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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hedgehog thread 2

80 replies

Edenviolet · 16/01/2014 14:37

I have received so much support in my previous thread and I am really grateful.

I'm continuing to try and sort things out and have started another thread so I can update.

OP posts:

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 14:44

Excellent idea to get the taxi to GOSH or hospital transport.

I completely understand why you feel you have to be there at all the appointments. I think the doctors prefer the continuity anyway. This is the dcs health and you can't take any risks that he might have forgotten something etc.

What you say about his inner shame about having disabled children is very common among men. 90% of relationships break down because of it. Partly because of the strain and partly because of the bullshit that men and women have been fed for decades about having disabled children - that it's a tragedy, a failure, a problem, a lack, the beginning of the end, etc etc. You and I know that it isn't. It's all fine, our dcs will grow up and be reach their potential just like any other child. We look at them as little human beings, not little bundles of medical problems.

Perhaps DH is in denial about all this, perhaps there is something else behind his indifference towards them. Mine kind of sits on the fence about it, as he does most things but he would do anything for her - he just prefers it if I do it instead.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 17/01/2014 16:14

I've hit the wall of tiredness this afternoon, can barely keep my eyes open. Two younger dcs in bath and I'm sitting next to them with a cup of coffee trying to keep my eyes open!

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Original poster

Edenviolet · 17/01/2014 19:56

Rubbish afternoon.

Dd1 felt unwell and went to DM/dsis house as its v near her school and she couldn't go any further.iwent there to get her.

Whilst there I noticed that dd2s sensor for her blood glucose monitor was loose(its a small cannula) dsis said there were some tegaderm plasters in their med cupboard and went to get them. DM started getting agitated and stood over me so close when I was trying to stick sensor back down that I got flustered and the plaster stuck to itself and dd was getting upset in ca it hurt.

DM launched into an attack about them being her plasters and how irresponsible and selfish I was, how I shouldn't have an expensive system for 'that' pointing at dd2. She said she needed the plasters. Dsis said "but they've been there for over two years untouched from my operation" and DM got even angrier said how ridiculous it was and that we were taking her things. Dsis asked her what exactly she needed them for DM said it didn't matt they were just handy to have.
She would begrudge her own gc a couple of plasters and was furious. I went home straight away and have been really upset.

Sometimes I wonder what to do. Its no surprise I can't manage everybody in my life seems hell bent on causing problems. Dsis seems to be the only one at the moment being nice. We never had a good relationship before which was due to DM playing divide and conquer.

OP posts:

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 20:04

Call your sister, have a good chat with her. Tell her about DD and how she is now.

Your DM is behaving like a fucking ogre if you don't mind me saying so.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 17/01/2014 20:27

I can't believe the turnaround in dsis if I'm honest. We didn't get on for years, she played on her illness and DM treated her as the favourite making me resent her further.

Now that dsis ants to move out and get a job DM can't take it and is treating dsis like absolute rubbish, telling her awful things will happen to her etc its horrible.

Dsis has been learning about diabetes and doing an online diary with dd taking photos of her food etc so that she can learn about it and try and help.

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GarlicReturns · 17/01/2014 20:36

That's sweet of your sister. Do you think she's now realised what your mother is, and that she's been getting incorrect information about you?

It does seem like a good idea to ring her for a sympathetic chat :) Might be wise to take things slow with her, but also worth working on the relationship a bit. You need to feel there are people on your side at the moment - and it sounds like she needs that, too.

horsetowater · 17/01/2014 20:49

What is it with these mothers that think they can divide and rule their children? What did that ever bring anyone except grief? Trust me Hedge, your mother is not the only on that has ever done this. But remember to focus on the positive of course and perhaps keep it polite and friendly for a while as DM is sure to become jealous.

It's interesting that the changes you are making towards independence have affected other things around you in a positive way. DH being 'honest' at the CAF chat, Dsis, even your health is improving. Keep it up, you will get there.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 17/01/2014 20:53

DM has been making dsis life hell by the sounds of it, ever since dsis met her bf DM has been unhappy. I think she wanted dsis by her side forever.

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horsetowater · 17/01/2014 21:01

We all want our children by our side forever.

But we know what's best for them is to teach them how to look after themselves and encourage them so they can build their own lives, alongside their siblings.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2014 05:08

The truth is that men who have issues with having disabled children have the luxury of acting on those issues because someone else who may well be equally overwhelmed still gets up in the morning every single effing day and behaves like a grown up, allowing the poor diddums with the issues to wallow in self pity or fantasy.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2014 05:08

Sorry if disabled is the wrong word.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2014 05:11

Your mother is a bitch, Hedgehog. No other term for her.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 18/01/2014 14:21

Had a migraine this morning but feeling better now. I got too stressed as had to get ds to his club and dd1 didn't feel well and the house was a mess and I got stupid and panicky. Hadn't eaten either which didn't help.

Feel loads better now and dh has taken ds1 to his optician appointment as he needs new glasses.

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thepobblewhohasnotoes · 18/01/2014 22:16

How you doing tonight Hedgehog? Hope you're OK.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 19/01/2014 22:13

I have had a productive weekend, have been trying to de clutter and reorganise the house and made a huge effort to spend quality time with each of dcs.

I thought if I focused on some positive things I might feel a bit better in general. Concentrating on the dcs and the house seems better than worrying about the state of my marriage.

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Original poster

Edenviolet · 23/01/2014 12:05

Still doing ok, gradually sorting out things and continuing to be very careful with money and stick to budgets etc.

Hoping at some point to do driving lessons when have saved up abit and dd2 is a bit better as she hasn't been well during the nights.

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mathanxiety · 23/01/2014 14:33

Any luck with the loans/contacting the bank?

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 23/01/2014 14:34

I'm hoping to learn to drive this year too. I'm a year and a half off 40, it occurred to me the other day, that might be a good target.

Well done on managing to both declutter and spend time with the DCs. Goodness knows I haven't been keeping up with house stuff and I promised myself I would, and I only have 2 DC to contend with, I think you're amazing, honestly.

How are things between you and your DH?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 23/01/2014 21:47

Doesn't look like I can change the loan repayments as they won't extend the loan for me (it will be paid off in 2017) sowe will just have to pay it.if we are careful we can afford it but its a pain, although I suppose we had the money and agreed to the timescale initially so can't grumble too much

Things with dh are much the same in terms of us spending no time as a couple. He has been doing a lot more to help with dcs though and is off tomorrow as we have six appointments to go to, blood test for dd2, consultant for dd1, physio for three of four dcs and gp appt so will be a busy day.
Dh has been up every night with dd2 as she has had hypos every night for over a week and he hasn't complained. He has been trying to help more round the house and even did ds1 lunch one day for school.
It's a shame I never get the chance to even. Talk to him, I wish I could as I'm sure that somehow things would be better if only we could get some time together but we are so busy with dcs. I do love him and I want to be happy.

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horsetowater · 23/01/2014 23:13

Did you speak to the debt agency/ Stepchange or the bank about the loan? You can't carry on like this for another four years.

Deathwatchbeetle · 24/01/2014 09:57

New to your thread and not really sure of the issues involved but wanted to say for anyone wanting to know about hospital transport that my mum has to use hospital transport as she is not mobile. We are told that the first time has to be via the GP and from then on we phone up the hospital. They may well have taxis that they pay for your trip but as mum is wheelchair bound, she gets an ambulance.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 24/01/2014 22:27

Just the bank, will try debt place on Monday. Dh not keen as says it will 'ruin' both our credit ratings? Is that true?

Had a reasonably good day, very very busy but got all appointments out of the way. Have another physio appt next week and the caf assessment meeting but can manage those as older dcs will be in school and I have a few trips left on dd2 s taxi card that I didn't realise I had left so will use those.
Dh has been very helpful, and has actually been a bit more chatty with me, not just about dcs and appts and has been making me cups of tea so I think things are improving.

Still having huge problems with dd2 diabetes but dh has been up each night with her and has been very good wanting to discuss how to adjust her insulin doses and we have now changed to five injections a day rather than four.

Really hoping things carry on improving. Not looking forward to tomorrow as I know it'll be busy and I'm tired but hoping things go smoothly.

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mathanxiety · 25/01/2014 01:30

Your credit rating is really not important at this stage of the game, Hedgehog (and I am not sure if he is right).

gamerchick · 25/01/2014 06:16

Why are you giving her more insulin when she's obviously getting too much?

That diabetes stuff is the most frustrating thing about reading your posts. :(

Original poster

Edenviolet · 25/01/2014 07:47

Its not 'more' insulin just splitting the nighttime background insulin dose so that dd has 1 unit at night and 0.5 in morning as 1.5 each night seems to cause hypos all night.

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