Can you give me some perspective on what FIL has done - will show dp thread.

[Seewhatyouhavedone]

I've NC for this as it's instantly identifiable to my family . Could get long.

Df has never been a hands on dad and was actually quiet shit on being a good role model. Who ever he was married to at the time got his full attention. His current wife I actually really like. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't even half the half hearted attempt at a relationship with DF. But I'm ok with this I'm used to it.

They are unfortunately going bankrupt . They have lost their house but have yet to hand the keys in. They are living in rented accommodation. Their house was lovely and Dsm really looked after it. It was her home.

Dp and df did a deal for a sum of money and shook hands on it, it was that dp could have what he wanted out of the house for some of his property's, radiators,boiler, kitchen units,washer dryer ect.... When dp arrived at my df old house,df stated if you see anything else you want take it.

While my dp was there they took down the kitchen and then he returned leaving FIL there with the keys.

My df rang me two days later saying Dsm was horrified at the state of the house. She was in tears . She was shocked that they had taken more things that she assumed they would take. But she was distraught at the damage FIL had caused.

He had ripped the fire place off leaving plaster hanging of walls, taken the radiators but not drained them spaying water and soaking all the carpets through with black water. Woodwork was smashed to pieces. Apparently it looks like some one took a hammer too it. I haven't seen it but I believe it.

It's took a full day to clear it up.

FIL doesn't give a shit about anyone. He is incapable of feeling empathy for anything/person.

Dp and fil see it as 'well they have lost the house, they don't live there now,what's the fuss'

They can not understand that this is a fucking awful thing for them to lose there lovey home and now some one has gone in and trashed it needlessly. Dsm was devastated. They had fucking drills and common sense. They didn't have to rip it pieces and make such a mess.

I think it's really hitting Dsm that she has lost her home now.

The damage was done while dp wasn't there but I'm ashamed to admit dp would probably would have left it that way too .

I'm starting to see traits in dp that are in his df and I hate it. We have had a massive argument this morning saying terrible things about each other's family's . Tbh if they had done it to a random stranger I would still feel the same. It was brutish , insensitive and thoughtless. It's really rocked the foundations on which our relationship is based on as dp is usually a very caring person or is that quality only afforded to me?

Any thoughts?

He's a thoughtless insensitive twunt who can't think beyond himself or the next 10 minutes in general.
But then that's hardly news to you is it?
I think that the thing that's bothering you most is that you hoped your DP wasn't like his father and it seems he might be.
Try to support the mans poor wife and work on teachng your DP not to end up as his git of a father.

hopping I feel like I don't even know dp.
He says I'm overreacting

Are you married?
Do you have children?

I would try to get some counselling for yourself, to sort out exactly what you think and feel.

Is it that you think FIL did it to "get back" at those who had forced the bankruptcy? How has he treated ex partners?

How does your DP treat those who cross him? Ex partners?

This is not a list of questions for you to answer here unless you want to, but for you to think about to help you crystallise your thoughts and emotions.

It sounds like more of a misunderstanding to me, than deliberate malice. From what you have said they had been told to take what they wanted from the house, and they have taken that literally. I'd imagine their thought process was that your Dad and SM, had lost the house already, so any damage caused was the banks problem. I can see why your SM felt differently though.

We're not married have one dc.

It was dp father that did it to my fathers home that was being possessed.

Dp isn't a violent man and tends to mediate rather than cause arguments

Well firstly, it's awful for your SM, and must be a massively stressful situation. I'm sorry.

But...

It wasn't your partner who created the mess. It doesn't sound that bad if a whole house of destruction only took a day to clear up. I think your SM would have been just as distressed at tidy empty spaces, given the situation.

It does sound like needless mess, like not draining radiators.

It depends a bit for me how long until the keys go back? If SM is living there for another month, it's bad - if she's just in collecting stuff as they're out this week, not so bad.

Was your father even deliberately messy to say "fuck you" to the repossession?

Honestly, it sounds like you have some back story here. If you started both having a go about your families, and you feel he is like your father in other ways...

I would advise that you both agree to drop this specific argument (as I say, he didn't cause the mess) and also try to make a pact to keep the discussion about the two of you, not about your families. Then work out what the real issues are - with a counsellor perhaps, if you've reached an impasse already?

addicted I agree with them taking what they wanted as df give them free reign but I don't think they had to damage it do much.

Maybe I am over reacting

I'd take a step back. Removing stuff from a house can be a messy business. Your step-mum is probably projecting her sadness at losing the house onto this and the reality that the house is no longer 'hers'. I'm sorry they're going through this.

Sorry if my OP. Wasn't clear !

My father and step mother going bankrupt - they have lost the house but yet to hand keys in its only just gone through court. They are not living in the house. They moved a few weeks ago to a private house in anticipation of the house being seized. Dsm goes back daily to pick mail up.

It was my partners father who did the damage taking the stuff out .

Ah - crossed wires, I thought it was your father, not your partner's father.
I still wonder how long your SM is in the house for though.
There isn't really a tidy way to rip a kitchen out.
I'd be more concerned about the value of the property being affected - but that depends on whether it was only ever going to go as rockbottom auction price. If it's open market, I do hope your father has agreed a fair price.

It does SOUND like unnecessary mess. But - you didn't see it. I do wonder how bad it was, and how much your SM would be upset by anything. I've just had building work done, including kitchen coming out and as I say - it just doesn't look tidy.

The issue sounds more like your father should have managed your SM's expectations.

Tbh they were lucky your DF gave them the ok to take what they want - to cause wilful damage whilst extracting it was just totally disrespectful regardless of the circumstances.

I would be very concerned OP if I were you too, about what it says about your DP and FIL.

When the house is sold by the mortgage company, the money they get for it will be used to offset the amount owed by the OP's father and stepmother. By trashing it, presumably, the sale value will be reduced.

The FIL and DP were very thoughtless and have potentially caused a lot of trouble for the father and stepmother of the OP.

I think what would have been better for DSM not to go back to the house. Even if they'd removed radiators etc sympathetically she would have been distraught.

Whether your DP is going to turn into your DF I don't know.

He's a fucking twat and so is his dad. So what if they have lost the house, that was their home and they had to walk in there and see the home they loved trashed. It's a matter of respect and the pair of them obviously have none of that for anyone. Also the awful position you have been put in!

Who the hell goes into a house and rips it to pieces when they could have just been respectful and taken what they wanted without causing any damage at all. That house will be bought by someone who now has to do a shit load of work they shouldn't have to because a couple of oafs with tools were too lazy to do what they were there to do properly. They might not give a shit if they were in your DFs position but they shouldn't assume that others wouldn't care.

Disgusting the pair of them, your P should be very ashamed and I don't blame you for doubting your relationship, if he had one bit of respect for you and your father he wouldn't have pulled that kind of shit. Your father still held the keys, it was still his home when they ripped it to pieces.

I can see traits in dp that I see his father does.

Dp father is actually a textbook psychopath . Dp thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

They're not even living there now?!

Sorry, but I think over reaction then, from you. I totally understand why your SM is upset, but there's no point in taking longer to do a tidy job (and I still question how bad it was) if they don't even live there!

I'd be livid if they'd reduced the value, but if you're leaving it with no boiler, radiator, kitchen etc - I think that horse has bolted whether the carpets are dirty or not.

Every sympathy for your SM, but this is not about the mess.

What I would expect from my partner, is that he could see my point about SM being upset. A bit of understanding. But I don't think they did anything wrong.

I think a nice gesture would be something nice for the new house (nice bed linen, a lamp, whatever) and a sorry that she was upset to find it that way. But I don't think they did anything wrong. As far as they were concerned, they were ripping stuff out of an empty house.

But just as this is not about the mess for your SM, I think it isn't for you too. So I'll repeat what I said above - drop the house arguments, but do talk about the underlying issues.

I've actually calmed down after reading some of the opposing views , I did originally think Dsm was projecting but df rang me up to say he had been and it had been a right off.

I too would be very worried that the debt will now be greater as the sale value will be lower.-pookamoo

Very generous of your DF and totally unnecessary behavior from your DP and FIL.

I think your Dad was in the wrong in the first place, tbh. AFAIK, you're not legally allowed to take out or give away integral bits of a house like that if it's being repossesed. He could be in trouble for that.

cabrin there is underlying issues that need addressing .

But cabrinha the mess will surely devalue the house further.

The OP has said that her FIL took more than was expected - maybe the kitchen wasn't something they even considered they might take out!

Df is going bankrupt so I don't think they will be affected if the sale is low, or is it?