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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm struggling to find the strength to tell him it's over...

58 replies

knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 21:25

This is probably a bit disjointed as I'm just in the process of realising that I've been taken for a ride.

In my heart I've known it for at least two years that my relationship with P is over.

We've been together nearly 6 years, nearly 5 of those have been sex free :-( We have spoken about it but never mention it now! He won't get help and has said in the past that his sex drive will return when it's ready?! At first it used to drive me up the wall but now I'm almost glad as I don't fancy him any more. He does use porn and I'm sure he must masturbate when alone. This upset me a few years ago now and I have even found evidence of online dating sites and messages from women. When confronted he denied it and it was a form of 'gaslighting' I believe. He made me doubt what I had seen with my own eyes! I think part of it was me not wanting to admit to myself that I'd moved 290 miles to be with someone who could do that to me.

I work part time and he is 'self employed' earning very little and I pay for almost everything. He is frequently online a lot if the time (facebook networking he calls it)

Then there's the dictating what I can and can't do in my own home. He picks fights and some days I dread going home if I know he's there (he still has his own place but the electricity has been put into a key meter and he needs to pay £190 just to get it to zero)

The nights he spends here he's on the sofa and will fall asleep with the television on and it normally stays on all night! It boils down to a complete lack of respect for my feelings or wishes.

I'm really concerned first and foremost for my dd who's 10 in a few months. How will all this impact upon her? More to the point how is it impacting upon her now!?

I have been short tempered because I'm so frustrated all the time. We have argument's over the silliest things and last time we had a big one he slammed his fists against the table and I'll admit it I was scared. The last time I mentioned us calling it a day he just shut down and was crying saying that he loved us and that he'd try to be a better man and was sorry.

I really feel like I'm wasting my life with this man...help!

OP posts:
Doha · 15/01/2014 21:31

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't love you but he does love the life meal ticker and lifestyle that goes with it. You owe it to both yourself and DD to leave, but you know that don't you?

Doha · 15/01/2014 21:31

aghhhhh meal ticket !!!

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 21:35

Doha, yes I think this too. I feel so ashamed :-( However, I'm not going anywhere and neither is DD :-) He has a one way ticket out of here...!

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 21:37

I still can't grasp that this is happening to me. I'm a relatively confident person but I have shocked myself.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/01/2014 21:41

So he doesn't actually live with you? Tell him the relationship is over and he is no longer welcome in your house. If he has a key, ask for it back - or just change the locks. As he doesn't live with you he has no right of entry to your house. If you are scared he will become aggressive, have a word with the local police station before you tell him to go - if need be, they will come and remove him from the house by force.
Your DD will be glad to see the back of him (he's not her dad, is he?) - a lazy, selfish man who treats you both with contempt is not someone she will miss.

TeenyW123 · 15/01/2014 21:44

He's a cocklodger, but without the cock or money a lodger would pay.

Do as SolidGoldBrass says and change the locks and leave any of his belongings in black bags outside.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 21:52

SolidGoldBrass no he isn't her Dad. He is generally pleasant but lately has been showing his true colours in front of DD by picking arguements.
We do go out an awful lot though for sports after school activities etc!

He gives me money to get shopping each week and towards my electric bill but its not much. There is an awful lot of his stuff here so god knows how long it would take to get it all out! I just want him out of here asap to be honest. I did think about contacting the police before asking him to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 21:55

Teeny you have just made me LOL :-) never heard the term cocklodger before!

OP posts:
akawisey · 15/01/2014 22:01

he's probably a wankbadger too OP he brings nothing to the table does he?

Do yourself and your DD a lovely and massive favour and get rid.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 22:09

Nope he doesn't and he's no Bradley Cooper either ;-)

Seriously though I have supported him with everything and feel as though all my efforts are in vain as he lacks the ambition and drive that I had in buckets (it hasn't completely left me)

The main issue in splitting up is that I'll be on my own with my little one in a big city up North whilst virtually my entire support network is nearly 300 miles away :-(

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/01/2014 22:20

So have you thought of moving, if you have a support network elsewhere? Does your daughter start secondary school next September.

This bloke sounds a complete waste of space. Why don't you arrange for your daughter to go to a friend's for a full day at the weekend (prime the mum as to why) and get someone to come and help you pack all his stuff up. Put it in your car (sorry, I'm presuming you drive, if not then into a taxi) after making sure he'll be at his house, then take it round there and dump it.

You can give him an explanation afterwards. He'll think you're mad for passing up such a catch but hey ho, I'm sure you'll cope!

akawisey · 15/01/2014 22:26

I think you're pretty much on your own as it is. I reckon things will look different to you when you've taken that first step.

Been there too. Twas lovely to have lost all that weight without even trying.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 22:39

My daughter is in Year 5 so she doesn't start secondary school until 2015. Its such a massive transition that I need to be there fully for her without worrying about Mr Negativity breathing down my neck.

Yes I do drive so that could be an option.

I hope they do look different. I so need to do this. I know he'll play the victim but I just have to bite the bullet.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 15/01/2014 22:41

Oh and will be moving back 'home' when DD starts secondary school. That's the plan anyway.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/01/2014 22:59

Wouldn't this be a good time to move? It would be difficult to move next year because of putting her name down for schools and she'd have to be in year 6 in a new school for such a short time.

Would you miss him if you did move?

lookingfoxy · 15/01/2014 23:20

Get this waster out your house!!
Im so annoyed at your post im willing to come to your house and drag the lazy sponger out by his balls.
This is what your daughter is going to think is an acceptable relationship, you are her role model.
Please in future only allow yourself to be treated in a way you think would wish your daughter to be treated in an adult relationship.

Sorry for the rant !

AnyFucker · 15/01/2014 23:23

Well, he's a spaffjuggler without the spaff

Just tell him "this isn't working" and simply don't let him in any more

Job done

lookingfoxy · 15/01/2014 23:23

Sorry none of that was very constructive.
If he starts getting arsey phone the police right away, they will take him out your house and get your key. They can be there when he removes his stuff as well, please dont let him intimidate you.
If you can move back home I would do it now to give your dd the chance to make friends before starting secondary school.

Twinklestein · 15/01/2014 23:46

If you're looking for strength - look to your daughter - is this what you want for her? Wouldn't you both be happier without him? Do you want her thinking that men generally lazy sponging fight-pickers? What's he even doing at your house? Life will be a lot easier without him.

BeCool · 16/01/2014 00:19

Also remember OP this is your decision. You don't have to listen to or take on board all the whining and pleading that will no doubt come your way when you tell him.

He has his own flat - this makes things so much easier for you. As others have said, tell him it's over, recover your key and leave him to move on with his life.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/01/2014 00:44

Never mind what he says or does. He has no rights at all over you. He has a home to go to, which makes it even easier to throw him out of yours.
How much 'stuff' does he have? Is it a couple of binbags full, or a carload? If you were to wake him up right now and tell him to get out, you would not be breaking any laws, you know. (Though, OK, I am not suggesting you do this as it will be an unnecessary disturbance to your DD. Just tell him to piss off in the morning) The only consideration is that you cannot, legally, destroy or dispose of his possessions without giving him a reasonable opportunity to reclaim them.
If, once you have thrown him out, he persists in pleading for another chance or turns up howling on the doorstep, you can (again) involve the police to make him go away.

You can do it. You can get rid of him and you and DD can move on and enjoy life without him.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 16/01/2014 07:26

Thanks for all the responses guys, just going to get DD to school then work out plan!

It really is very complicated as I have made it that way, I have no doubt I can do this. He needs to move on, more importantly so do me and DD.

I'll be back...

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 16/01/2014 07:31

Spaffjuggler! :-) I have been a lurker on mumsnet for years... think I'll be hanging around a while!

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 16/01/2014 07:34

IMO preferable to move while your DD is still in primary school if you can. Then she will get to meet a few people before moving up to the big school. Ditch your partner.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 16/01/2014 07:35

Spaffjuggler! :-) I have been a lurker on mumsnet for years... think I'll be hanging around a while!

OP posts:
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