I'm struggling to find the strength to tell him it's over...

[knowledgeispower]

This is probably a bit disjointed as I'm just in the process of realising that I've been taken for a ride.

In my heart I've known it for at least two years that my relationship with P is over.

We've been together nearly 6 years, nearly 5 of those have been sex free :-( We have spoken about it but never mention it now! He won't get help and has said in the past that his sex drive will return when it's ready?! At first it used to drive me up the wall but now I'm almost glad as I don't fancy him any more. He does use porn and I'm sure he must masturbate when alone. This upset me a few years ago now and I have even found evidence of online dating sites and messages from women. When confronted he denied it and it was a form of 'gaslighting' I believe. He made me doubt what I had seen with my own eyes! I think part of it was me not wanting to admit to myself that I'd moved 290 miles to be with someone who could do that to me.

I work part time and he is 'self employed' earning very little and I pay for almost everything. He is frequently online a lot if the time (facebook networking he calls it)

Then there's the dictating what I can and can't do in my own home. He picks fights and some days I dread going home if I know he's there (he still has his own place but the electricity has been put into a key meter and he needs to pay £190 just to get it to zero)

The nights he spends here he's on the sofa and will fall asleep with the television on and it normally stays on all night! It boils down to a complete lack of respect for my feelings or wishes.

I'm really concerned first and foremost for my dd who's 10 in a few months. How will all this impact upon her? More to the point how is it impacting upon her now!?

I have been short tempered because I'm so frustrated all the time. We have argument's over the silliest things and last time we had a big one he slammed his fists against the table and I'll admit it I was scared. The last time I mentioned us calling it a day he just shut down and was crying saying that he loved us and that he'd try to be a better man and was sorry.

I really feel like I'm wasting my life with this man...help!

I cannot take the kudos for it, unfortunately

How will it impact on a 10yo? IME 10yo girls are about as unsentimental as it's possible to get. Set it out to her that exP is an exP and if you get a response along the lines of ... 'thank God for that, I thought you were never going to realise he was an idiot'... try not to look too surprised, will you?

But if the truth is that he has some kind of malevolent hold over you and your fears about your DD are just a deflection from your own nervousness at what he'll do when he finds out it's over, be honest with yourself. Slamming fists, scaring people, and crying is very typical emotionally abusive behaviour. It's OK to ask for help when getting shot.

Thank you CES. I still haven't done it! He is still in my life.

Over the past few days I have done a ton of soul searching and realised how much time, worry and bending over backwards I've done in this 'relationship' all because I'm not only scared of being alone but because I've made it over complicated in my own thought patterns. All the times I've run over it in my head I've been focused on what he will do when I tell him its over. In practical terms I mean. He has played the victim card very well and I have fallen for it hock line and sinker!

I feel like I should have MUG tattooed on my forehead!

P.S I am scared. I think I can handle it though.

It is hard to take the first step, don't beat yourself up about it, keep posting for support.

You sound very clear headed to me. Just think how free you will feel.

You will look back and wonder why you lost 6 years of your life living like this...... Kids are resilient and see alot, plus you are strong and deserve better. Life with just the two of you will be just that. Keep focused, keep strong.

Thanks everyone who has replied, I know that as soon as I take that first step I'll be okay... More than okay!

Will keep posting :-)

You will need to apply for secondary schools at the beginning of year 6, so you'll need to have moved by then or you may not have a choice of schools.

As for not having said anything yet, when I was faced with this kind of situation, I decided I'm going to do it on Saturday. That took the pressure off me for the rest of the week.

Good luck.

I too would recommend that you back home before the end of year 5 so you can apply to a secondary school whilst living in the area.

Hope the eviction goes smoothly!

Good on you knowledge. Just remember The Script that he is likely to follow at least part of; some or all of the following list. I'm sure to forget a few, but likely others here will chip in with the rest of the list:

"But I luuurve you"
Promises to sort himself out, try harder to "be the man you want him to be"
Possibly offers to go to counselling
Comments that you're so fat & ugly that you'll never get another man, let alone one as good as him
Sudden onset of an illness, possibly a terminal one
Threats to you
Threats that he will commit suicide
Begging & pleading

These could come in any order, some may be repeated at different stages. But they are all part of the Script

Oops forgot - turning up on the door looking haggard and unkempt, implying that he doesn't care about anything any more since you were so cruel as to destroy his life

Thank you gals! This kind of support means a lot as I haven't told anyone in RL about what my plans are yet.

The plan is to move back to my 'home' area before the end of the academic year. I really hate the thought of leaving my job as its well paid and fits in around DD perfectly. I also know that there is a high level of unemployment in my home town and the nearest city is not much better job wise.

That is a scary proposition for a single parent. I'm hoping to return to University to study again once DD is settled at secondary school.

Thank you so much Allergictoironing! (Loving the user name) I have heard similar before and then pity gets the better of me :-/

I have been reading 'Why does he do that' and it is slotting into place perfectly. I can't believe how gullible I have been. I'm going from great sadness to absolute fury in nano seconds. The warning signs about the way he spoke/speaks about his ex are especially jaw dropping. He will say anything to slander her name and has even laughed at her misfortune since they broke up and she lost him. The fury is building!

OP I have just ended my relationship, we have a seven month old son, it's not so bad. Once it's over you'll feel so relieved not to have the stress and pressure any more. In my case it was a combination of long distance, work and not enough effort on his part in recent months. I figured I might as well be lonely without him as lonely with him.

You don't really need to read books about it (though obviously continue if they are helping!) - you don't need A Reason To End It. Being unhappy is enough of a reason, it's not anyones job to MAKE anybody else happy but we should all TRY to make the people we love happy. It doesn't sound like he tries.

I agree that you can learn a lot from a person by the way they talk about previous relationships.

Good luck, I know our situations are very different but it's always tough ending a relationship. I am sure your daughter will be fine, you'll be so much less stressed that can only be good for her.

Sounds like a similar situation to the one I found myself in when DD was 4. The ending of that relationship was a walk in the park compared to the confusion I feel now. I'm in a emotionally abusive relationship and now that the fug is lifting I can see it for what it is.

Thank you for the advice and it should be enough for him that I'm not happy and want to end it but I always end up giving it 'one last try' when he displays the behaviours that Allergictoironing lists above. I have even doubted my own sanity and taken ownership of the problems as solely my own.

Keep reading "why does he do that?", and keep the anger levels up as they will help. Maybe even pin up a list of The Script, make a game out of ticking off each item as he comes up with it and score which are his favourites. Should give you a private giggle at his expense, and help you stop feeling sorry for him.

You say "since they broke up and she lost him" - are you 100% sure that she lost him, & it wasn't that she dumped him?

I will Allergic, it is a great help. There are still moments when I'm doubting my judgement but I think that's because its become the norm to not listen to my inner voice.

There is a big elaborate story with regards to the relationship and the break up. She ended it with him but he knew it was over as he had forgiven her for a previous affair etc

All the usual bullshi* Allergic which puts him at the centre of his pathetic universe ;-) :- D

Once it's done, it might be worth looking into some counselling for yourself, basically to learn more about why you fell for this man's bullshit, and to rebuild your boundaries, so you don't end up with a different flavour of knob for your next relationship.
I'm not blaming you in any way - but women who have had one abusive relationship often have subsequent ones because they have had their ideas of what a relationship should be like, badly skewed. EG the woman whose last partner was violent will accept verbal abuse/substance abuse/constant pestering for sex as 'at least he doesn't beat me up'; the woman whose last partner was an alcoholic will accept a scrounging cocklodger because 'at least he doesn't drink too much'. Etc.

Thank you SGB, yes I agree. I'm going to just take care of myself, regain my self esteem and go to counselling once the dust has settled.

My former partner and father to DD was a compulsive gambler with a severe communication problem. In contrast this partner had a sensitive side and is very good at talking about HIS feelings. In the early days I thought I had a good catch! ;-)

I need to protect myself and DD from further damage. I'm in my early thirties so hopefully I will go onto to have a healthy lasting relationship.

I'm sure you will, knowledge, good luck with the future.

So...

Here I am, nearly 3 weeks after posting on here and I still haven't ended things!

Over the past month or so I have recognised that he is a liability and that sometimes it's more like having another child. My whole thought process has changed and I'm far happier than I've been in years! Like the post above says...I'm still struggling to actually do the deed.

Mainly it's practical things that I need to plan for. When he is officially out of my life I need to replace certain things that are his and will go with him.

I just feel like an utter failure and old before my time.

I'm so bogged down with work - mentally demanding job. I seem to spend all weekends cleaning, washing, housework etc. He does help around my home but I'm made to feel like he's doing me a favour! If I do ask him to do something (if I'm busy doing DD related things) he has responded by saying 'It's not my problem you chose to have a DD'!

It's not a partnership its a farce. I'm absolutely hell bent on him going. I just feel like its going to be a nightmare!

Sorry if I'm repeating myself, I just need a hand to hold...

It will be more of a nightmare now with him there, than what it is when he is gone.
It feels really hard at the minute because it is a change. A big change. But it is a change for the better.

As soon as you make those first steps to getting him out of your life a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders.

I have 4 kids and i too worried about how the kids would feel. My 5 year old shouted "YES!! See mammy i told you he was nasty!" When i broke the news to him being gone. All of my kids flourished from a few hours of him being gone - and they continue to do so.

I done it when all of the kids left for school.

Stay strong OP. You can do this.

We all know how difficult it is to break away. But trust us - it isnt too bad once you have the ball rolling. Simply just because the weight of him is no longer on you...believe me, it is a huge weight that you dont even realise!

Good luck

Thank you for your reply, I have imagined what it will be like when he is finally out of my life!

I'm pretty sure DD will understand when I tell her why he's gone (obviously in a child friendly format!) The thing is I think even though he is hardly ever outright nasty in front of her she is fond of him as he is really interesting to talk to (believe it or not!) I think he makes me look like the irrational one in arguements. It really is complex, to the extent he's managed to manipulate me!

I may request a few days off work and get the ball rolling.

So what exactly is stopping you from ending it..?

May be useful to write it down as there is a difference between practical considerations and imagined fears as to what ' may' happen....