All quiet in the bedroom for 5 years

[James38]

Hi,

My wife and I are in our late thirties. No children. We've been together for 12 years, married for 10.

I'm really struggling lately to come to terms with the fact that my wife doesn't want to kiss, cuddle, be close, have any intimacy or have sex. It's been 5 years now since we had sex.

The way I've dealt with it in the past is just to concentrate on my work and work and do overtime, because it stops me thinking and/or asking about it. However, when we spend time together and have days out, I can't help but be overwhelmingly attracted to her which by the end of the day results in me wanting to make love and all that funky stuff, only to be slapped down.

If I try to talk about it calmly, I get told that it's always the wrong time. It's never a conversation, it's always an argument. I've asked her to be straight with me - if she doesn't think I'm attractive enough or just doesn't fancy me for whatever reason, then please let me know and I can know where I stand.

It's got to the point where she has me questioning myself as whether actually, I'm wrong and everyone is like this. She says that life isn't like a hollywood movie and that holding hands and being close, etc, isn't real life.

So far I've had no desire to cheat on her with anyone else even though I am very frustrated. I don't think I ever will, but if it was handed to me on a plate one day, then who knows. From all the rejections I now feel like and old, ugly man whereas when we met I didn't feel that way.

After each time I try to talk and get screamed at (literally), I come away thinking that the answer is to never ask about it again and to just continue living out our lives like friends. However, that only ever works for me for a week or two or until we spend a nice day together out somewhere or out for dinner and then I'm all horny again!

A particular thing which nags at me is our honeymoon. She wasn't interested in anything at all and rejected my advances, saying I had a one track mind. I often bring that up because it really hurts me but she just gets angry again, perhaps understandably. We were in the Bahamas for two weeks in a really romantic setting, it just cuts like a knife to think of how things were then whilst all the other couples seemed to be close and happy and loving!

Since then, we've been on countless lovely holidays, stayed in top London hotels, fancy dinners, I feel like I've done everything. I arrange to go to places that she wants to go to, I buy her everything so ever wants, I try, try and try.

A couple of years ago, I made a concerted effort to be Mr Nice. I was Mr Nice for 3 months, never rising to any bait, telling her how much I loved her, how nice she looked, etc, etc. Not an act as such, more like how I always think things should be. However, that culminated in a holiday at the end of the 3 months which was again totally sexless and after that I stopped being Mr Nice. From there, I've just been aimlessly wandering, watching the weeks and months and years fly by.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I spend a lot of time typing things into google and reading similar stories, but most are about people complaining that they haven't had sex for a few weeks or that it's infrequent, like once a month. So, to have nothing for 5 years is rather upsetting. Even now I can here her voice in my head saying that I'm obsessed with sex because I'm writing about it!

Everything else in our relationship is great. This is all we argue about, and not because I want to argue about it, it's just that it's the only way once I ever mention it.

I'm not really expecting any replies, but if I get any it's a bonus. I don't want to divorce her or leave her, it would hurt me too much. I just want to be loved and cuddled and to have some affection come my way. At the moment and for many years, it's more like living with my sister or roommate and just lately, it's really getting me down.

I just don't know what to do.

James

How was your sex life before you got married?

My male friend told me he was in a similar situation. His wife also blocked any attempts to talk about it and made him feel as though he was being unreasonable.
You're not alone.
He finally left her a couple of months ago. Its been quite tough for him but he couldn't stand the thought of 20-30 more years living like this. The loneliness was killing him.

I don't really know what else you can do.

Well, we were married after just two years. Things were good for the first 6 months or so and then it all started to get less and less frequent.

She's not a great talker, so I don't know why that happened. It just went to like once a week, once a month, once a quarter, then once a year until about 2008 when it all stopped!

At this point, I'd take any form of intimacy!

Hi James - would your wife go to relationship counselling with you at all? If she won't talk to you about it without arguing it doesn't look like the situation is going to get resolved between the two of you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no useful advice, have had sex once since August 2012 which was a 'see, we DO have sex' 2 minute job after I'd tried once again to talk about it with my husband. That bit about your honeymoon really resonated with me and had me swallowing several times. I was mid twenties on my honeymoon, two weeks in an exotic location, very luxurious, fabulous enormous bed with those sheer curtains around it. Couldn't have been more romantic. Didn't have sex once. I'm now late twenties, we have been together for six years.

Really nothing useful to say except I totally hear what you're saying and if you've felt anything like I have - ugly, rubbish in bed maybe, maybe not good enough in other areas (I tend to talk a lot, maybe I'm boring, or not intelligent enough), the list goes on - you have all my sympathy.

Your wife is being very unreasonable.

It is very unfair of her to not even be prepared to discuss this issue. Nobody should be expected to live without kindness and respect from the person they love.

When you argue about it, what does she say?
Does your wife acknowledge any concerns?

"20-30 more years living like this"

Thing is, its hard to change somebody and you need to think about if it's a deal breaker or not.

Even if you told your wife that it's likely that your marriage would end eventually and she started sleeping with you even if she didn't want too.. would you be happy with that.

Have you asked her if she would mind you both having an open relationship even to see what her reaction would be?

It can be very lonely without any kind of intimacy from your OH.. it would be a deal breaker for me.. I couldn't live with that.

5 years? Dude, you've been a saint. I can only understand a fraction of what you're going through, but I know how the repeated rejection and constant assertion of how 'unnatural' or 'entitled' your physical love for your partner is can get you down.

Really wish I had something more to offer than sympathy, but if you're lucky some good advice will be forthcoming. There are people on here from both genders who are facing similar problems, with luck they might have some answers.

Again, my sympathy and best wishes.

Would getting divorced or leaving really hurt more than you are already hurting?

It's not going to get any better after 5 years.

I would seriously think about some short term hurt and rebuilding your life.

Do you want kids?

Apologies for the harshness of this post. I'm responding without the window dressing because I think you need the jolt. You're asking for a cure and you're not going to get one.

As far as I can see you have the following options:

1. Resign yourself to a life without sex

1. Ask for an open marriage

1. Have an affair

1. Divorce

Responses 2 and 3 could of course result in divorce anyway.

You can't have a relationship with this woman on the terms that you want. No amount of being reasonable about things or achieving validation from other people about your POV is going to change that. You need to accept that sex is not going to feature in your marriage. The next step is to decide if you can live with it (and how) or not.

It may be worth having a conversation with your wife about her past. Is it possible she has been abused or suffered some sort of sexual assault in the past? IF she has, she may require counselling which might improve your sex life.

Or she could just not fancy you at all.

Either way, there is nothing you can do about it. Your wife has to admit it is a problem and want to change it. The only thing you can do is one of the four options above.

purrforagoodkip - Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry that you're in a similar boat to mine and from what you say, that's exactly how I feel - exactly. I would love to have some romance! Perhaps we need to swap phone numbers and run away! :)

uptheanty - She has given many reasons over the years, but the most recent is that she just isn't that way inclined and therefore what I'm asking for is a personality transplant.

OhWesternWind - I hadn't considered relationship counselling actually.

I even approached my ex about this a few years ago, to find out if I had some kind of deep-seated issue which might be an obvious cause, but she said no. She did say however, that some people show love in different ways, rather than physically. That kind of made sense. It doesn't help though.

I don't know how you stand it. I think your wife is cruel as well as extremely unreasonable. She clearly has a problem but unless she addresses it then it's more of the same. You shouldn't have to be extra nice to get cuddles, kisses and yes, love making, it's part of being in a loving relationship.

I don't know what to advise apart from insisting your wife gets help and you will fully support her. If it was me and that wasn't possible, I'm afraid I'd be moving on.

Thanks everybody so much for your replies. I honestly hadn't expected so many! Good site.

Just reading them all is very helpful to me, at least I can see that I'm not so odd for wanting a bit of love in my life.

It's given me lots to think about, so thank you all again. It's extremely hard to consider thinking about leaving somebody whom you love so very much. I think she's perfect in every other way, it's a shame you can't buy romance from Tesco and just sprinkle some in her dinner. :)

How are things outside of the bedroom? Are you close friends, do you hold hands, do you look deep into each other's eyes and hug?

In my experience, my lack of interest in sex came when I didn't feel close to my husband. Having a close relationship is like 27/7/365 foreplay! Without it, I'm not in the mood.

Once we sorted through our non-physical intimacy issues my sex drive started to come back again. Now the only days we don't play together are when either of us are simply too tired or the opportunity isn't there. We can wait until our DD goes to bed! It's a big difference to 10 years ago when we were in trouble as we lost our way in our marriage.

She has given many reasons over the years, but the most recent is that she just isn't that way inclined and therefore what I'm asking for is a personality transplant.

This comment, to me, is her laying her cards on the table. She's saying 'If you want to be with me, this is it. Get used to it and stop wanting more'.

If you really want to give this one more try I'd insist to her that you go for couples counselling. But, TBH, if your marriage has been completely sexless for five years and she says that's just the way she is, I think you have to face the fact that she doesn't really want sex. Maybe she doesn't want sex, full stop, or maybe she doesn't want sex with you, but it amounts to the same thing.

So, IMO, you have a choice: 1) accept no sex and learn to live with it, because you love her and everything else is great; or 2) divorce and move on, thereby giving yourself the chance to meet someone with whom you can have a full, loving relationship. Personally, I think you need to prepare yourself for option 2 as I really don't see her changing after five years.

Your wife is behaving in a very selfish manner.
I think she's taking your love for her for granted.

I would leave if I was you. Then again, i would have left 4.5 years ago. Thats more a reflection on me not you!

If you've truly tried everything to encourage your wife to talk then maybe it's time for action.

You deserve to be loved & to feel good about yourself.

How hard it must be for you. It is really hard when a couple have very different sex drives. Could it be that your wife has sex drive issues before of an underlying medical issue? I would go to the doctor and have a blood test (sorry, I am not medically trained, but could it be hormonal?).

Does she show you any affection otherwise?

because of an....

There is a thread on this is aibu called 'to want more sex'

I don't see how it can be perfect in every other way.

It is perfectly normal to want and have an expectation of regular sex in a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean you have an entitlement to it, of course, but it is a normal desire and one that is fulfilled (with varying degrees of success ) in most successful relationships.

Some people have sexless relationships by mutual, happy agreement. That's great and we're all different. This is not one of those relationships. You want sex, she doesn't. Dichotomy.

Sex in a happy relationship encompasses so much more than actual intercourse. It is a look across the dinner table. Holding hands walking down the street. A hug after a hard day. All are physical expressions of affection and desire and a way of saying to the other person "I love you and want to be with you." As a social species humans have evolved to express some emotions through touch.

If that is completely absent in your relationship, I don't see how things can be perfect. You may as well be living with a hologram.

OP there are regularly lots of threads here from posters who are unhappy in sexless marriages for years. You are not alone.

I think you have had the patience of a saint. I can only agree with posters saying the likely hood is that your wife is asexual, and that she is indeed happy as she is and will resist change.

I think good advice would be to have a last go at reaching for a reason for why she is like this. IF it's something that can be helped out with counceling then it's worth pushing for it. Ask her if you can about her past.

Sadly, if she is genuinely happy as she is - then you should go your separate ways. Both of you deserve a life with a partner that makes you happy.

It sounds to me like your wife has deep-seated issues that she would need to work on and resolve before the situation stands any chance of improving. Until she's ready to do that, I can't see any room for improvement, so you're just going to have to decide whether to accept the situation or get out.

Many survivors of sexual abuse have issues like this and while they can dissociate from their bodies and have sex with new partners, they're playing a role and detached from their true selves. Once they're in a serious relationship and happy with their partner, it becomes increasingly difficult to separate the roles, but yet impossible to reconcile the loving relationship with sex, so they distance themselves from any physical contact.

It sounds very much to me like this could be the case with your wife. Is there any way you can broach the subject with her gently and encourage her to get counselling for herself. Read as much as you can about the situation and try to look for any other typical behaviours you recognise in your wife. It can be traumatic for both partners in a couple to go through this kind of therapy, but it will lead to a much more fulfilling life for her and for your relationship in the long term.

and hugs to you, James - you sound like a lovely husband and she's lucky to have you!

Hi OP,

I work on sexual issues with adult survivors of child sex abuse, and it occurs to me that your wife could be a survivor. (much of what you say echoes what I come across every day. With that in mind, I'm uncomfortable with some of the 'she's so unfair to you' comments

Having said that, if she doesn't wish to address these issues (whether caused by CSA or not) there's not much you can do about it other than accept things as they are, or leave.

I'm sorry that you're in this position, it sounds like you're doing your best in a difficult situation