All quiet in the bedroom for 5 years

[James38]

Hi,

My wife and I are in our late thirties. No children. We've been together for 12 years, married for 10.

I'm really struggling lately to come to terms with the fact that my wife doesn't want to kiss, cuddle, be close, have any intimacy or have sex. It's been 5 years now since we had sex.

The way I've dealt with it in the past is just to concentrate on my work and work and do overtime, because it stops me thinking and/or asking about it. However, when we spend time together and have days out, I can't help but be overwhelmingly attracted to her which by the end of the day results in me wanting to make love and all that funky stuff, only to be slapped down.

If I try to talk about it calmly, I get told that it's always the wrong time. It's never a conversation, it's always an argument. I've asked her to be straight with me - if she doesn't think I'm attractive enough or just doesn't fancy me for whatever reason, then please let me know and I can know where I stand.

It's got to the point where she has me questioning myself as whether actually, I'm wrong and everyone is like this. She says that life isn't like a hollywood movie and that holding hands and being close, etc, isn't real life.

So far I've had no desire to cheat on her with anyone else even though I am very frustrated. I don't think I ever will, but if it was handed to me on a plate one day, then who knows. From all the rejections I now feel like and old, ugly man whereas when we met I didn't feel that way.

After each time I try to talk and get screamed at (literally), I come away thinking that the answer is to never ask about it again and to just continue living out our lives like friends. However, that only ever works for me for a week or two or until we spend a nice day together out somewhere or out for dinner and then I'm all horny again!

A particular thing which nags at me is our honeymoon. She wasn't interested in anything at all and rejected my advances, saying I had a one track mind. I often bring that up because it really hurts me but she just gets angry again, perhaps understandably. We were in the Bahamas for two weeks in a really romantic setting, it just cuts like a knife to think of how things were then whilst all the other couples seemed to be close and happy and loving!

Since then, we've been on countless lovely holidays, stayed in top London hotels, fancy dinners, I feel like I've done everything. I arrange to go to places that she wants to go to, I buy her everything so ever wants, I try, try and try.

A couple of years ago, I made a concerted effort to be Mr Nice. I was Mr Nice for 3 months, never rising to any bait, telling her how much I loved her, how nice she looked, etc, etc. Not an act as such, more like how I always think things should be. However, that culminated in a holiday at the end of the 3 months which was again totally sexless and after that I stopped being Mr Nice. From there, I've just been aimlessly wandering, watching the weeks and months and years fly by.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I spend a lot of time typing things into google and reading similar stories, but most are about people complaining that they haven't had sex for a few weeks or that it's infrequent, like once a month. So, to have nothing for 5 years is rather upsetting. Even now I can here her voice in my head saying that I'm obsessed with sex because I'm writing about it!

Everything else in our relationship is great. This is all we argue about, and not because I want to argue about it, it's just that it's the only way once I ever mention it.

I'm not really expecting any replies, but if I get any it's a bonus. I don't want to divorce her or leave her, it would hurt me too much. I just want to be loved and cuddled and to have some affection come my way. At the moment and for many years, it's more like living with my sister or roommate and just lately, it's really getting me down.

I just don't know what to do.

James

chaos

I understand what you're saying about the uncomfortable feeling you have with the ...it's not fair on you etc.

I would just like to clarify that being married does not entitle any partner to expect anything from the other with regards to sex.

I do think however...from the point of view of the op that he is in a position of feeling frustrated and lonely.

Not at the lack of sex alone but most importantly at the lack of communication and trust.

It must feel very difficult to be excluded from a big part of your partners life with no attempt made to address your distress.

Another who thinks you're a saint, I appreciate your wife might have issues but unless she is willing to try and resolve them it doesn't bode well for the future. Really you're living just as friends which is sad

Another chap here who has been through almost exactly the same situation. I could almost have written your post. I was with my ex for 10 years and the last 5 were sexless. I got to 36, my self esteem was rock bottom and I had a breakdown. Once I was well, I walked out. She basically had decided that's what worked for her and what she wanted. I was not prepared, in my mid-30s, to spend another 30 or 40 years with a housemate.

I've been on my own for 4 years. Am I lonely? Yes. Would I like to meet someone? Yes. Do I miss sex? Hell yes, but not as much as I did when I used to lie in bed next to someone who simply refused to be intimate on any level or discuss it. Would I go back? Hell no.

Please, for your own sanity, leave. It will not get any better, and you will only get more sad, upset, depressed etc

I agree with notnew.

It's not the no-sex as such but the complete lack of empathy/compromise/negotiation towards you on this issue, and the failure to seek help or do anything about it, which would kill the relationship dead for me.

The situation won't change unless you both want that, and it sounds like she's happy and had no interest in things changing.

I'm surprised you say she's perfect, everything else is perfect etc. It sounds like as well as being celibate, the relationship also lacks other emotional connection e.g. sharing ideas, shared goals, the whole "we are a team" feeling.

Is any of this familiar?
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

couple of things.

Why do you have to make an effort to be Mr Nice?

If I were you I think I would leave.

I took the being Mr Nice comment to mean that rather than taking for granted that he was being nice, he was continually second-guessing his words and deeds to make sure that in addition they'd come across as being nice.

Hi James,

I feel for you. I was with my ex for 15 years, the last 2 of which we had just become mates. No sex at all. Prior to that, over about 5-7 years it had dwindled to very little sex, and always on his instigation. I just went through the motions. Even before then, it wasn't mind blowing.

We had the usual couple's ups and downs, though with hindsight, he was possessive, controlling and jealous and I'm mad at my self for not getting out sooner and wasting some of what should have been the best years of my life in the relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't 'off' sex, just didn't fancy him anymore. We had no kids, we had a nice lifestyle, but I didn't want just nice anymore (nor did I expect a Hollywood movie type of situation). So, when I was 39 I explained to him that it felt like I was waiting to die, and I didn't want to feel like this anymore. He agreed that things weren't 'right' and asked if I'd give it another 6 months. I refused as I couldn't see the point, said we'd already had 2 years of no intimacy and I couldn't see any going back. So, we set a date the following month that I would leave, the split was amicable (albeit sad, given the years we'd had together) but I've never looked back.

I think some people just grow apart. Can't comment on other posts here asking if your wife has deep seated issues (neither of us did). However, if she refuses to discuss it, I can't see how this can be resolved. We both agreed there was no-one else, that we still liked and respected each other, but it had run it's course. We were able to talk about pretty much everything and I went through a kind of grieving process for about 3 months afterwards, as I truly felt I had lost a very good friend.

Not sure if that's any help at all, I just wanted you to have a woman's perspective (and my libido now is as good as ever it was, I was just in denial for a while because he was more like a mate/brother than a lover!). Good luck with whatever you do.

James, another bloke here who was in the same boat except I had an enforced celibacy of 15 years.
I tried to hold my side of the wedding vows so I didn't look elsewhere, even though the opportunity did arise a few times (pardon the pun) until I realised like Notnew that it wasn't even so much the lack of a sex life but the lack of all the intimacy that should have gone with it.
I still haven't been intimate with a woman even though my ex and I eventually split just over a year ago.
I would love just to have someone to kiss, to hold but I guess that may have to wait until my next life

James, there is nothing more I can suggest that has not already been posted.

It could be a deep seated issue that she wants to forget from way in the past so councelling would seem like a good option. You can go seperately or as a couple.

I'd try to encourage her to go to concelling either as a couple, alone and/or both.
If this does not help then I think you are going to need to lay your cards on the table. You cannot live the rest of your life like this without some kind of understanding of why your wife feels this way.

How sad, i feel for you.

A healthy sex life should be part of any couples' relationship. If that is not for her, move on, there are plenty of women who need it too!

The 'she's so selfish' comments are not really fair.

Could it be a medical issue? Is sex for some reason painful for her, too dry or does it cause frequent cystitis or thrush? Does she orgasm, are you sure she wasn't faking.

What happens if you just give her a nice relaxing back massage with nothing else expected at all, would she accept that or will she not let you touch her at all.

You don't have to answer, just ask yourself and her of course.

Spock - sorry, but she is selfish. To have total disregard for the feelings of your partner and refuse to even discuss the subject, to not respond when your partner has tried everything possible and bend over backwards to do everything his partner likes and enjoys and treat them lovingly, to basically tell their partner that they are quite happy with a total lack of intimacy (which includes not just sex but cuddles and kissing without them necessarily leading to sex) and that they will just have to live with it even though they are unhappy with that is about as selfish as it gets. Take it from one who has been there and pray it's never you, as it's incredibly soul destroying.

Selfish? If there is a particular reason why she doesn't want sex then maybe not. But that you are not party to this reason because she won't discuss it then I think that is bloody selfish.

Ok so nobody has an 'entitlement' to sex once married but its a huge part of any loving relationship. Lack of sex is no big deal if you arw both singing from the same hymnsheet. I think she is being very unfair.

The entitlement should be to open communication. This is definitely lacking.

I am full of admiration for the OP James and the way he is handling himself and continuing to think well of his partner

When I was in the situation I was became bitter and resentful - in particular with the flirty act that my ex used to put on with me in the company of others which would disappear abruptly as soon as we were alone

We separated last year and whilst it's early days I can only echo not new's comment that it's lonely but not nearly as lonely as being in close proximity to the one you love and want and experiencing indifference and arms length treatment

Inevitably I lost confidence in myself and when it started to affect my work, my confidence as a dad, my enjoyment of social events and I started to become uncomfortable with people touching me (other than my children) - I decided to leave

Best of luck OP, and you are right that this place is a great resource and support even if you are not a mum

Lovely post burt I hope you find happiness

I think you are being very understanding OP. This is not a situation i could cope with at all. We have sex between 3 times a week and 3 times a month. 3 times a month bothers me. But i guess is realistic what with work and life and everything else. I'm a sensitive soul in this respect and would be questioning our relationship if we went without for one month let alone a year or five.

Whether your wife has reasons for being this way or not, she is being unreasonable and selfish for refusing to discuss them with you, and then to try to resolve them. For the sake of your marraige.

Some people really find the need to put women in the victim position?
Not all women are victims.

If we believe the info James has given us then he is working very hard to open communication lines with his wife and is being very patient.

Yet....some posters sympathy & concern lie with his wife.
While I do share some concerns, my immediate response is to the op who is asking for help.

Communication is a fundemental part of any healthy relationship. If op's wife is unable - for any reason- to communicate & be intimate with her dh then she does have a responsibility to at least TRY to explain why. Especially after so long.
It is simply not acceptable to say - tough-deal with it as op's wife is.

There is no moral high ground about having, or not having sex in a relationship.
OP has chosen to spend his life with his wife.... He thought they would be having sex, she doesn't want it.
That's how it is, he may feel he's been duped but a relationship changes and flows depending on the natures of the people involved and how much they connect. over at least five years they are not connecting and he is very unhappy. Either his wife does not want to connect with him in any way, or she hates or is uncomfortable with sex. Either he is happy to continue with their emotional connection, or he isn't. The choice is now his and to discuss with his wife , get a bit more information about what's going on then he can start making some life choices for himself based on what information comes out.
But vilifying the wife and congratulating the OP is sickening tbh..... No one has sex on tap just by virtue of getting married, it is a relationship that changes .
Marriage has a lot to answer for and really is a whole buch of patriarchal crap.

OP , get communicating and start making some decisions notepad of just passively waiting for your wife to" come up with the goods " .. It's not likely to happen atm you have to start communicating and connecting and making some plans and choices and stop with the woe is me attitude.

newyear i agree with some of your post-even though my reaction is firstly to be offended......not quite sure why

The wife should not be vilified....and neither should the husband be applauded in any way for going without sex ...

However this statement is minimising isn't it? It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy.

I also agree that the op needs to take control of his own destiny and life and be more assertive.

But....your post still sounds so......mean ?

Can't speak on your looks but emotionally, you sound like the perfect man!

As you can see, sex is a sore subject for a lot of people and you really aren't alone. I agree that you need to communicate about this. Is there a way this could be done that you haven't tried yet? Perhaps through a mutual friend.

It does sound that potentially something bad could have happened to her in the past. I have a friend (honestly, it WAS a friend) who had an abortion and as a result finds it extremely difficult to have sex.

From your comments, I have read that she wants no type of intimacy. I understand how much that hurts. My partner is not the snuggler I am and due to being together for a lifetime we aren't the insatiable animals we once were but rejection hurts so much.

You are a saint for not cheating. Perhaps talk to her about an open relationship, though clearly it is sex with her that you want, at worst this may make her realise how much she's hurting you

I really hope you sort this. You deserve to be happy and again, you sound lovely

NewYear I find your post astonishing. Have you actually bothered to read the original post and his subsequent comments? He has TRIED umpteen times to communicate but his wife REFUSES to do so and just goes into an argument (ie, shutting it down). And he has said, as others who have been in his position have said, it is not simply about sex - as you seem to think. There are no CUDDLES, no KISSES, not even holding hands.

To an extent I agree with your comment that sex is not just "on tap" but it is very clear that this thread is not simply about sex.

But if there is no connection there than that's just how it is... Only OP knows how close they are emotionally rather than physically and whether there is any close interaction between them in other ways .

Are they close intellectually or emotionally and do they talk meaningfully apart from their attempted dscussions about having sex?

I also feel really angry when it is suggested that there is something wrong with women who don't want sex.... Why should there be I mean I don't want to watch British Bake off every night but that's my choice how to spend my time. The expectation is based on the idea of marriage which is basically a patriarchal invention to have sex , children and help throughout life. True. And conditioning makes it continue.

Marriage doesn't encourage closeness I think often deadens it. Also what may have been ok for two or three years just runs out of energy.

I agree with you newyear.