All quiet in the bedroom for 5 years

[James38]

Hi,

My wife and I are in our late thirties. No children. We've been together for 12 years, married for 10.

I'm really struggling lately to come to terms with the fact that my wife doesn't want to kiss, cuddle, be close, have any intimacy or have sex. It's been 5 years now since we had sex.

The way I've dealt with it in the past is just to concentrate on my work and work and do overtime, because it stops me thinking and/or asking about it. However, when we spend time together and have days out, I can't help but be overwhelmingly attracted to her which by the end of the day results in me wanting to make love and all that funky stuff, only to be slapped down.

If I try to talk about it calmly, I get told that it's always the wrong time. It's never a conversation, it's always an argument. I've asked her to be straight with me - if she doesn't think I'm attractive enough or just doesn't fancy me for whatever reason, then please let me know and I can know where I stand.

It's got to the point where she has me questioning myself as whether actually, I'm wrong and everyone is like this. She says that life isn't like a hollywood movie and that holding hands and being close, etc, isn't real life.

So far I've had no desire to cheat on her with anyone else even though I am very frustrated. I don't think I ever will, but if it was handed to me on a plate one day, then who knows. From all the rejections I now feel like and old, ugly man whereas when we met I didn't feel that way.

After each time I try to talk and get screamed at (literally), I come away thinking that the answer is to never ask about it again and to just continue living out our lives like friends. However, that only ever works for me for a week or two or until we spend a nice day together out somewhere or out for dinner and then I'm all horny again!

A particular thing which nags at me is our honeymoon. She wasn't interested in anything at all and rejected my advances, saying I had a one track mind. I often bring that up because it really hurts me but she just gets angry again, perhaps understandably. We were in the Bahamas for two weeks in a really romantic setting, it just cuts like a knife to think of how things were then whilst all the other couples seemed to be close and happy and loving!

Since then, we've been on countless lovely holidays, stayed in top London hotels, fancy dinners, I feel like I've done everything. I arrange to go to places that she wants to go to, I buy her everything so ever wants, I try, try and try.

A couple of years ago, I made a concerted effort to be Mr Nice. I was Mr Nice for 3 months, never rising to any bait, telling her how much I loved her, how nice she looked, etc, etc. Not an act as such, more like how I always think things should be. However, that culminated in a holiday at the end of the 3 months which was again totally sexless and after that I stopped being Mr Nice. From there, I've just been aimlessly wandering, watching the weeks and months and years fly by.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I spend a lot of time typing things into google and reading similar stories, but most are about people complaining that they haven't had sex for a few weeks or that it's infrequent, like once a month. So, to have nothing for 5 years is rather upsetting. Even now I can here her voice in my head saying that I'm obsessed with sex because I'm writing about it!

Everything else in our relationship is great. This is all we argue about, and not because I want to argue about it, it's just that it's the only way once I ever mention it.

I'm not really expecting any replies, but if I get any it's a bonus. I don't want to divorce her or leave her, it would hurt me too much. I just want to be loved and cuddled and to have some affection come my way. At the moment and for many years, it's more like living with my sister or roommate and just lately, it's really getting me down.

I just don't know what to do.

James

I agree my first post is extremely harsh... Sorry OP don't take it to heart it's just you can't make people be or do what you want them to be or do and the suggestion that you can do so in marriage just infuriates me.

5 Years is way too long. You've no kids, so none of those considerations. Just go. Or of course, do what most people do and exit via an affair.

op I really feel for you - and although I haven't ever gone 5 years without, I know what it's like to contantly feel like you're obsessing about it (that's how I ended up here). The simple fact is (and this is where I can offer some advice) that whilst your wife - for whatever reason - doesn't want sex, there's not a great deal you can do. I used to pester my wife, which I really hated doing, and we ended up having sex once a week but consequently it felt like a box ticking exercise

I found that just ignoring the situation worked for me (though she now thinks I'm having an affair) though this clearly isn't going to work for you. What you said about throwing yourself into your work really resonated with me and whilst I don't think you should embark on an extra-marital affair, I do think that you should take up a hobby of some sort (without your wife) that will bring you into contact with others. It may give you the opportunity to experience a different dynamic, which could lead anywhere.

James, the only thing I have to add to all the pertinent comments you already have, is to say remember that the biggest and most important sexual organ resides between our ears, and not our legs.

Yes, sex drives can be different between people, but the two of you have a serious communication problem with can be helped with relationship counselling if she also wants to address the issues between you.
If you can improve communication and intimacy, then sex might follow.
Might. You cannot change her behaviour, only she can or may be able to. Depending on what issues she has, it may be very or even too hard for her.
You need to decide what the lesser evil is for you: carrying on as you are or leaving if she does not engage in some kind of counselling to improve your relationship.

James, I have nothing useful to add to what others have said. I did want to reassure you that you, and others on this thread (and lurkers) are not alone.

We all find ways of coping when we can, and when that no longer works, well who knows?

Any news on this? Have u had the conversation or any further thoughts? X

My brother's exP refused to have an intimate relationship with him on the basis she was "done with all that" and he lived with it for 10 years before finding the courage to leave and move on. He was only in his early 40s at the time. When he found a new partner, he discovered to his horror that he wasn't able to physically perform in the bedroom, a problem which was later diagnosed as psychological and undoubtedly a direct result of his exP's actions. Don't risk going down the same route. If she isn't open to counselling or discussing it in an adult manner with the objective of changing her attitude then be brave and move - hopefully to a new life with someone who will respect you and will participate in a mutually enjoyable adult relationship.

Why did you not have a frank conversation about three days into the honeymoon?

Sorry, but I can't hear anything but "Wahwahwah, validate me, validate me!"

James I feel so sad reading your op. I can relate to your wife so much.
When stbxH and I met we were at it all the time for the first 6 months but faded significantly after that. However we never had longer than 6 months without sex and that was after childbirth, 5 years is completely unreasonable imo!

I know all the things you say about feeling rejected are exactly what my ex used to say to me. I did love him deeply and did fancy him but I just didn't have much of a sex drive compared to him and I resented his approaches as I started to feel like he pestered constantly. I always felt if he left me alone my sex drive might return but towards the end of our marriage he did leave me alone and all I felt was relief.

There were several things which happened that I feel affected our sexual relationship. Firstly, it took quite a lot to get me in the mood and ex used to sulk about how much effort he needed to put in. Secondly, ex occassionally suffered with mild sexual disfunction and often our attempts were overshadowed by this and would result in ex being withdrawn for days afterwards. When we went to relationship counselling the counseller suggested that I may have subconsciously tried to avoid sex to protect myself and ex from his negative behaviour. Thirdly, and probably most importantly was my sexual history prior to meeting my ex. I had slept with a lot of men. I loved the chase and the thrill of being with someone new for the first time. I found sex in a long term relationship boring and was deeply ashamed about that.