The Dating Thread 68.

[Bant]

Support for everyone, dating online or in real life.

No judginess, no shoutiness. Nuff said.

Sort of have to agree to disagree here again. I have friends so Im not looking for anymore really. If I don't fancy someone my "funny button" sort of switches off. Otherwise I feel that I have too much "murky stuff" going on. Im a door closer I guess. I don't do nebulous.

Oh and if I have to wonder about anything after a couple of dates then my intuition tells me its not right and I dump. It should flow. Even if for argument sake it may be me, then it will always be so too. Still a dump

Bant I have never been one to follow the 'rules'. Apart from anything else, I didn't find this thread until I had been dating for quite some time. I have certainly learned things, but I have always had my own rules. I feel, if I knew there was never going to be a second date, it was my responsibility to inform my date. I always did so as quickly as possible, as that is how I would like to be treated. I have made a friend from on-line dating who has become very important to me. Mr OMG knows about him, we have met, and we text often. He will always be my friend. Mr OMG is fine with this, wish quite frankly is just as well. I will not be told who I can be friends with.

Second dates; agree Bant must be interesting and attractive, and be able to hold my attention. While I have had quite a few, I don't know if anyone else finds the same, the person you meet on a first date can be quite different to the person on the second?

Interesting debate! I'm a coffee only on the first date, if I like them and there's time I'll stay for a second but then I'm off after that and will wait for them to get in touch or not. If they ask me out I'll politely decline (as in Monday's date) if I'm not interested, it's a bit rude to ignore someone if they actually take the time to ask for a second date.
I wouldn't get in touch with them at all after the date, if I don't hear back from them first, just prefer it that way, I think a guy will naturally ask if he's interested so there's no need to chase him up.
I agree it's pretty instant whether I fancy someone or not...but...that can grow from getting to know someone. I've fancied someone on sight only to sit and chat and think 'actually, no' halfway through the date, usually because they're just not interesting.

Dont you're most probably catching sleep for your early flight (or should be!) so have a great time, lucky you

I've asked that question on here before though, dreaming - if I've had a date where I just wasn't feeling any attraction or spark and I couldn't tell if she liked me or not, should I send a message saying 'thanks but no thanks' or just leave it.

Some people said they'd prefer to be let down quickly, some said they'd be annoyed by my assumption that they fancied me.

If they message me, then I send the 'no spark' text.

Generally I don't do second dates as I think there should be some kind of feeling of a connection there on the first. If it's just a pleasant enough evening, but no attraction, then I don't bother. I haven't been turned down for a second date yet, although a couple have 'got back together with their ex' after a second date, having said yes to a third, and some have turned into short relationships.

Ho hum. I'm on the OD sofa at the moment though. Seeing what happens in real life instead. It's just as confusing but you get more fresh air.

Personally I'd prefer silence after the first date than a 'no spark' text.

Just on a personal note Bant I don't give a damn what people here say. If I feel no attraction, chemistry, spark, call it what you will, I am not wasting my time on a second date. However, I do feel it is good manners to tell the person as soon as possible. If it were me, I would be sitting waiting and wondering, so I let the person know quickly. I am always gentle, and don't blame them in any way, after all we are who we are, and are all human.

I suppose it could also be that at my age I can't be bothered playing games. If a man liked me he would say so, if he doesn't and didn't have the balls to tell me, he is not the kind of man I would like to know anyway. So, I would simply go back to whatever site and try again. (Not a sympathetic old soul am I?)

Haha calm down guys! I'm always comfortable but just a confusing place to meet so I waited somewhere else obvious. He found me, now in a nice quirky little pub, having a pleasant evening.

I wasn't trying to imply you're wrong, dreaming- I was saying that I asked for people's advice on etiquette on here and that's what I was told. Some agree with your point of view and would rather be told 'no spark', some would find it offensive.

Horses for courses

Bant No, no, I didn't think you meant I was wrong. It is, very much as you say, horses for courses. (Do you like cake?) Would be better?

Oneday Sounds hopeful? And.... a real live loo update Fingers crossed.

Profile deleted now!
Ive decided im not ready for a relationship, just companionship and see what happens. Ive been thinking the last week about my ex. However, i know it wont go anywhere. So Mr Four and I happy to enjoy each others company atm.

Hello again.

Thanks for the responses. girlie I sort of hope he is, but at the same time, I feel more secure knowing there's an emotional distance :)

It's the man I'm seeing's birthday in a few weeks time. I don't know what to get him. What level of gift would be appropriate? Should say here, I don't really do presents or birthdays (but I get that other people do). I don't celebrate my own or get presents.

Any advice would be great. Especially from men! Thanks

Hi Folk, I had the same dilemma as it was smallfeets bday a few weeks ago! Tbh I found it a bit of a pita as it was straight after xmas, I was skint and feeling uninspired!! In the end I got him a book that was to do with explaining everything in the world to the every man kind of thing (I have made that sound much worse than it was) and a nice card. He seemed pleased with that!!

Just to add my tuppance worth to the above debate, I had a few dates where I was a bit meh but would have gone on a second date if they had asked me but wasn't bothered when I never heard from them again!!

In the other instance where I have been a definite no and they have got in touch I ignored Its tough in the dating jungle!!

However am not sure about all this they have to be interesting and attractive surely it's more about the whole person. I think you can almost be unrealistic when searching for the 'perfect' partner. You have to remember that no one is perfect - not even me

In the end the important thing is whether you get on, they are a decent human being and you want to be with them imo.

Oh dear. The last few days of feeling quite happy are now, quite clearly, quite over.

Since I last saw him, I've been over come with alternating waves of happiness and sadness.

I'm in a sad dip now and I feel like I just need to end it (with him, not life!). Stupidly, because he has now told me he likes me etc. I'm convinced that he spends his nights away from me meeting up with other women and I don't hear from him because he is too busy chatting for hours with someone else.

I wasn't bothered about this before. Before, I was quite satisfied that he liked me well enough and I could trust him because he seems really honest and had given me no reason not to (or maybe I was less emotionally invested and so it didn't really matter). I'm well aware that this is all me and not him because he is, I know intellectually, no more likely to be seeing anyone else now than he was previously, and, in fact, possibly less likely given he 'really likes' me. But then given that all my serious boyfriends and husband cheated on me, I feel I've now been elevated to that position of a place where I can be cheated on. But the fact is, this time last week I trusted him and now I don't really. All based on the fact that in between those two days, he told me he really likes me and, if he could, he'd like to see me more often.

It makes no sense.

I probably should end it just to protect him from me. :(

girlie that book sounds really good.

Oh Folk I think I asked you this before but have you had some counselling?

You deserve happiness, don't end it with him because you think you are not worthy to be happy, talk to him about your thoughts - even the dark ones. If he is worth his salt he will support you.

Will see if I can find a link to the book, it was from The Works

Recently started girlie. There just seems like so much ground to cover though, and so much to wade through, and such a huge mountain to climb...

The thing is, I don't want someone to support me. I just want to be able to have a nice boyfriend who likes me and respects me. That's all. I don't have any dreams or illusions of love or happily ever afters. I just want someone who isn't going to betray my trust.

Thanks, re the book.

Oh I've pm'd you :)

found it

Well support is mutual and important in relationships, as well respect and trust, i reckon anyway

No, you're right of course, it is just as important. :)

I just don't want to let him see just how imperfect I am, I suppose.

I pmed you to

I know letting someone get close and see the 'real' you is very scary.
This is the closest I have let someone get in a very very long time so I do know how you are feeling

Got it thanks :)

I think part of it is that the only person I ever trusted with the real me was my exH. Despite everything, we are amicable and he is still very supportive of me in many ways. But mainly because he knows I have no one else in the whole world

The worst thing is, I know that if I were to relay to him, word for word, everything this man has said to me and done for me etc then he would have all the answers. But he's also the only person I can't talk to!

Other people would just say "ooh he sounds lovely, I'm sure he really likes you" whereas my exH would say "Look..." and then pragmatically spell it all out for me in a way which would have me saying, "No, you're right. It's obvious really..." in whichever direction that might be. And then I'd only have to remember his words when I doubted myself. He was good at that sort of thing.