Porn

[emtee]

I've had a brief look at other threads with a similar title but I just wanted to see what people think.

I found out a couple of months ago that my OH watches porn. I've had partners before who watch it, but with them I've always enjoyed a very healthy sex life. However, ever since we got together, I've struggled to get my OH into bed. He always had an excuse and wouldn't talk about it when I tried. He would get grumpy if I even proposed the idea of sex and then wonder why I was upset. I had sort of accepted this and when I was pregnant, it was actually a bit of a blessing. However, as soon as I found out he watched porn, understandably I was pretty upset. (doesn't help that I caught him at it as I walked out of our baby's bedroom after putting him into bed). I tried talking to him about it and he claimed it was a stress relief and didn't happen very often. I then explained how I felt about the severe lack of sex and he had a plethora of excuses about how he thought I wasn't happy with my body post baby and he didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to do. I ignored the fact that I think they were just excuses and went with it and explained the more attention he pays me, the happier I will be with myself. After that, things improved and sex has finally become a slightly bigger part of our relationship and although he still doesn't ever initiate things, he no longer huffs and puffs about it all quite so much and definitely seems to enjoy it.

However, he watches porn at every available opportunity it would seem. He works shifts and I am still on maternity leave. Whenever I leave the house he has a wank, and even does it when me and the baby are having a nap. I really don't mind the occasional wank, what bothers me is when he does it and how often he does it (not to mention the porn he is watching). If I try and talk to him about it he completely shuts down. I really don't know what to do! I'm really not happy at the moment but he just won't get that.

Am I being unreasonable?! I know blokes wank and watch porn, but daily and whilst I'm downstairs with the baby...

Emtee Im sorry he is still stonewalling you, it is so unfair.

You have been more reasonable with this poor excuse of a man than I could ever have been.

He is hoping you are going to shut the fuck up and drop it - but you aren't going to are you?

Personally, id be dropping him from a fucking massive heightbut I'm not going to tell you to do that, just offer support.

I cannot strikethrough today!

Urgh, sounds like a stroppy teenager. How can you respect him or even want to shag him?

I think you need to stop thinking you can change him.

Instead change how you are dealing with it.

You won't like this but the only thing that could possibly make him change is loss. Tell him its over as you deserve far more than this loser.

If you stay with him, I'll tell you exactly where you'll go from here.

You'll get more of the same.

He isn't going to give up the porn because he doesn't want to.

He knows that it is affecting your relationship. He knows that he is risking your relationship. He knows how upsetting it is for you.

And yet he is very, very angry at having to give it up. That tells you all you need to know really. He will be more secretive about it but he won't stop.

He's an addict - plain and simple.

That means porn is THE most important thing in his life.

He doesn't want to talk about it because what is there to say? "I am not giving up porn because it's more important to me than my family"...

Taking the iPad is akin to an alcoholic hiding the empty vodka bottles in the neighbours bin. Doesn't hide the smell on the breath or the incoherent speech - or for you the tissues in the bin and the lack of intimacy in the bedroom.

Like any addict who doesn't want to confront the issue you need to stop enabling the behaviour. That means consequences - significant enough to hopefully start to consider the cost of his porn habit.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through that.

Towards the end, I told my h that if he didn't give up the porn then that was it but he actually said he didn't know if he could. On reflection, I am glad I found evidence of extra marital activity because I suspect I saved myself a lot of grief ultimately.

The 'activity' he said was with women he met on the internet. I suspect he paid but he refuses to answer any questions and starts trying to blame me.

All I can advise is look out for yourself as the longer it goes on, the worse you will feel about yourself. BUT this is not your issue - it is most definitely his.

I now love having the bed to myself - no more waste of space.....

How are you doing Emtee? How was it when he came home? Thinking of you.

Hi all. Sorry for going a bit incognito!

We talked (properly and in person) and I gave him an ultimatum - me or the porn. He said I meant to much to him to lose and it would be the worst thing if we broke up. He has deleted it all and has taken the password off his computer. He has promised he will stop all that. But I have said to him that if I find out he's started again, I won't be sticking around.

I totally get what you all said about he'll keep doing it etc, and if I was reading the post, I would probably be saying the same thing and screaming at myself to have left. However, with the house and the baby I felt it would only be fair to give him one chance.

Things have improved I think. He helps much more with the baby and he even bought me flowers :-O

We shall see how it goes. Thank-you for all your support and encouragement, it really helped me get my head straight. Hopefully I won't ever have to revisit this thread...but if I do, I will definitely be following the majority of your advice and getting my butt out of there!

x

He has a serious problem and is in denial or simply doesn't want to change his ways, a bit of porn now and again is fine but he's clearly addicted and prefers that to human contact and a normal sex life, most of the porn he will be watching will not be a true reflection of a healthy sex life between a man and a woman. No better way to turn of a woman than to act the way your OH is, how can he possibly expect you to continue in a relationship with him when he's actually preferring a relationship with porn stars.

I don't see him stopping it until he has actual counselling, he will tell you he has but I doubt it's that simple for him.

So, now you will be monitoring his laptop use and his phone use, yes ? Like a 10yo who has to be protected from himself? How grim.

How does he plan to prove you can trust him ? How is he planning to reverse the idea that he has, over a long period of time, preferred online activities to making love with his warm and willing partner?

I appreciate what you're saying, but we've never talked properly before about it because I didn't know he was doing it. I'm hoping that this is a main reason why he just kept doing it, because he had no reason to stop.

Like I said, we shall see. It's only fair to give him a chance

x

The point is, he has to actually recognise he has a problem and wants to address it. It sounds like he's been caught out too many times by you and has been issued with an ultimatum, of course he's going to say he will stop, I don't think he can though unless he actually makes the effort to find out what he is living in another world that has nothing to do with reality.

But I don't really know what you're suggesting I do?!

I think he needs professional help.

I don't believe he has gone from refusing to talk about it, downloading it on to a memory stick, pretending it was a trap to catch you checking up on him - to giving up porn completely, committing to your relationship and having sex with you rather than use porn - all in the space of a few days.

Do you, honestly?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this with a young baby. It makes it so much harder to view objectively. I hope you're ok.

As an outsider looking in, I would advise you strongly to leave him. But you've made your choice and you're not going to, which is your choice to make. Having decided that, I think you should arm yourself with as much information as you can about why excessive porn use damages relationships and what porn addiction looks like. Knowledge is power, and in the unlikely event that your DP does want to give it up to keep you and strengthen your relationship, you will be able to support him to do that.

Good luck and remember that it is never a good idea to compound one mistake by making another because you're to embarrassed to admit to the first.

No, but surely the first step is deleting it and talking to me. Yes, it means having to 'take his word for it' but I feel we have too much to lose if I just leave him now. Having never spoken with him about it before, I have no concrete reason to assume it's all going to go tits up (no pun intended!)

If this was the third fourth or more time that it had happened and we'd tried to sort it, then yes, I would leave. But as this is the first negative thing that has happened during our relationship, I think it is worth seeing what happens.

I realise you all probably think I'm an idiot, but I've thought about it, and will continue to see how it goes and do my research on porn addiction. I have just watched the TED talk on someone else's advice which was fascinating.

Love, who is that you think should be doing all this research on porn addiction ?

Is it you ? or should it be him ? You are not the one with the problem (if you ignore the fact you seem determined to remain saddled with a porn addict)

like I said, what is he doing to rectify this and educate himself ?

Nobody thinks you are an idiot, the main point is he's got a serious problem and needs professional help, you catching him out again again proves that, as well as masturbating whilst you and baby are downstairs, never mind the rejection of you over porn. If he can overnight turn that around, I'd be amazed, he definitely needs to go see someone. I think you are being naïve if you think a chat with you will solve this, it sounds like it's been going on for years.

You don't want to give up on him and have a child together, obviously the right thing to do is to give the relationship a chance, possibly several chances. It may be that ultimately he needs counselling, if he is addicted then going cold turkey is going to be difficult but he is moving in the right direction and seems to have realised what he stands to loose.
Good luck to you both

"several" chances ?

How many chances to fuck up your wife and your relationship should one man have ? Where's your cut off, sherlock ?

I would say two chances where children are concerned and his transgression is with virtual women rather than a full blown affair. Does that answer your question Fucker?

yes, thanks, and you are rude