Porn

[emtee]

I've had a brief look at other threads with a similar title but I just wanted to see what people think.

I found out a couple of months ago that my OH watches porn. I've had partners before who watch it, but with them I've always enjoyed a very healthy sex life. However, ever since we got together, I've struggled to get my OH into bed. He always had an excuse and wouldn't talk about it when I tried. He would get grumpy if I even proposed the idea of sex and then wonder why I was upset. I had sort of accepted this and when I was pregnant, it was actually a bit of a blessing. However, as soon as I found out he watched porn, understandably I was pretty upset. (doesn't help that I caught him at it as I walked out of our baby's bedroom after putting him into bed). I tried talking to him about it and he claimed it was a stress relief and didn't happen very often. I then explained how I felt about the severe lack of sex and he had a plethora of excuses about how he thought I wasn't happy with my body post baby and he didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to do. I ignored the fact that I think they were just excuses and went with it and explained the more attention he pays me, the happier I will be with myself. After that, things improved and sex has finally become a slightly bigger part of our relationship and although he still doesn't ever initiate things, he no longer huffs and puffs about it all quite so much and definitely seems to enjoy it.

However, he watches porn at every available opportunity it would seem. He works shifts and I am still on maternity leave. Whenever I leave the house he has a wank, and even does it when me and the baby are having a nap. I really don't mind the occasional wank, what bothers me is when he does it and how often he does it (not to mention the porn he is watching). If I try and talk to him about it he completely shuts down. I really don't know what to do! I'm really not happy at the moment but he just won't get that.

Am I being unreasonable?! I know blokes wank and watch porn, but daily and whilst I'm downstairs with the baby...

OP, I wrote him a long letter in the end as it was the only way he would listen to what i had to say (although I did have to sit with him whilst he read it as he initially refused).

I really can't imagine being in a relationship with an adult who behaves like this.

What will you do when you realise he is still watching porn?

If you can only communicate through letters, do you think that it might be an idea to seek some couples counselling?

You do all the housework too, don't you? And the night feeds if DC is ff? I'll bet you can can go days without a hug, or an "I love you" or a kiss however brief.

He checked out long ago, if indeed he ever checked in.

You certainly will need a lot of luck

This man does not respect you and isn't committed to you or his family. He will not stop watching porn.

What do you love about him?

He can still be a father if you split up.

Do you respect him OP?

I couldn't.

Not any more. I asked him to delete it and he said he would but I've just found his memory stick hidden inside something else and he's just moved it all onto that. This sucks.

Oh emtee.

What are you going to do?

Oh dear, you have hitched your wagon to a LOSER

best to unhitch it, otherwise this is how your life is going to be from now on

a man that actively chooses porn over a warm and willing partner is majorly fucked up, and tbh, isn't someone I would want to build a family with

The only time this man appears to communicate with you is when he is lying through this teeth.

What a pathetic little man he is.

You know it doesn't have to be like this don't you?

Oh and he's put a password on his computer. I don't know what I'm going to do. We have a mortgage and I only work part time. There's no way I can afford to be on my own with the baby. I have no one to talk to either as it's not really a subject I want to bring up with my mum.

I also have the same issue with my partner completely wanting nothing to do with me physically and masturbating over porn in secret , I found out this approx 2 years ago after taking a laptop into get fixed and finding heaps of porn site cookies . I confronted her about this and she tried to deny it blaming on our young son .
I put this up because it is not just women who's husbands secretly watch porn , but also men who's wives will discreetly watch a bit of porn for their own desire whilst claiming no interest in sex at all .
I have no problem with people watching porn , but if it starts to affect your relationship then it's a massive problem . Like mine rigt now

Oh I know it's not just men (this was never meant to be a man slagging thread!). I don't have a problem with porn per se either. Like i said, I've had partners in the past who watch it. What do you do though?! (rhetorical question) If we didn't have a young baby and a mortgage I'd be gone by now. I don't want him to come home tonight, I really don't. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do anymore. I feel your pain Dad1975!

" There's no way I can afford to be on my own with the baby. "

Quite a lot of people start with that one as a reason why they feel obliged to stay in a piss-poor relationship but there is help available. I'm sure you can't talk to your Mum or anyone else immediately about his grubby habits but there's nothing to stop you getting some impartial advice on what independence would look like in practice. Are you married to this OH?

No, luckily. I'd been banging on about it for ages but I'm glad we're not married now

I rarely post but your situation has struck such a cord with me.
I have now been separated from H for just over a month. He has had a problem with porn for years. I knew about it when we moved in together 10 years ago but at that time we still had a fairly healthy relationship.

Following the birth of DD who is now coming up 4, our sex life and all intimacy pretty much ceased. We even went to counselling in Spring last year but the porn escalated. I had no idea how bad it was until I checked his computer and actually found images of him with some one else as well as porn every where. This - on a machine that he would let my DD use.

We split from that point on. I am part time and we are massively in debt and I don't know how we are going to go forwards in terms of division of assets but I can tell you that the relief at not playing second fiddle to this obsession is immeasurable. I did not realise how unhappy I was and how I craved any sort of attention from him until he had gone.

I have good and bad days still but I know that I will never relegate my needs again as they are vital to my well being.

Sorry for the essay but I wanted you to know that you were not alone and that you don't deserve to live like this. If you need any support then please pm me

Screaming frog , did your husband admit how severe his problem was ? And did he realise how much it affected you?

Thankyou Screaming Frog.

He claims the password and hidden memory stick were 'to test if I was checking up on him'.

Dad, certainly following my daughters birth he knew exactly how I felt about it. The last two years have been hell. I stayed because I thought he had more respect for me and our family but sadly this was not the case. Unfortunately I just got a string of broken promises and my self worth kept plummeting. I would rather be a single parent and in debt than with someone who has so little respect for me.

I can't advise anyone as to what is best for them but hope that sharing my story helps them to know that they are not alone.

"'to test if I was checking up on him'."

The correct response to that is 'how stupid do you think I am?' He's up to his armpits in spunky tissues, he's this close to the relationship hitting the crash barriers and he thinks testing you is a reasonable excuse?

This one's a wanker on every level

Emtee - I think he needs a gentle reminder that in normal relationships if someone has broken your trust and they want to gain in back they should be doing everything they can to prove they aren't hiding anything and certainly not setting traps.

He is an arse love, honestly he is.

Does this man think you are completely stupid ? It would seem so. Are you going to go along with that shit ? Why is he the one testing you, when you are not in the wrong. He's certainly an ace manipulator, isn't he ? What a shame he doesn't apply some of the ingenuity in the bedroom. Idiotic man.

How are you Emtee? Been thinking about you

Ah thank you ScreamingFrog. Not great. We were texting whilst he was at work yesterday and he was blaming me for snooping and said he'd sleep on the sofa etc but when he got home he got into bed and I asked him to sleep downstairs til we'd had a proper conversation at which point he lobbed a whole load of his stuff down the stairs and started to pack a bag and said he was going to stay elsewhere (despite having no friends to go to and it being midnight) I pointed out it was him who said he was going to sleep on the sofa and that he was just running away. He ended up going for a walk instead. We had a talk and it was still all my fault but I explained why I feel as I do and that I'm not spending the rest of my life being second best to his hand. I thought it was a bit better but we've not spoken today and he's gone to work 2hrs early and has either hidden his ipad (I caught him clearing the history this morning but said nothing) or has taken it to work. I actually need to use it to do the food shop but hes not answering my texts or calls and I imagine I'll get accused once again of snooping or checking up on him.

So yeah, not a clue where we go from here!