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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't go on.

97 replies

Squidwardtenticles · 11/01/2014 21:00

Please don't judge me. I already know i'm a terrible person and a shit mum.

I met my Dp (I'll call him P because he doesn't deserve the D) when I was 15. We have been together for 16 years and have 3 children.

Practically from the first month of me finding out I was pregnant with our first P changed. He began to push me around and became very controlling.

I was pregnant with my second and he attacked some people leaving them seriously injured. He went on the run for awhile until he was found and sent to prison on remand. He got out when I was roughly 8 months gone.

He beat me so hard that the placenta ruptured and I ended up in intensive care.
Throughout the years he has beat me, called me names, put my face in the bin, spat on me, told me to show his friends my bruises then they all laughed.

I posted on here about him a few years ago. My head was a complete mess and I had a breakdown. I told how he had got down on one knee and proposed to me, only for me to open the box and there was no ring. It was a joke.
P used to go out most nights drinking, he would come home and wake me up just to push me about and belittle me. I wet myself many times with fright. During these nights out a rumour started that he was seeing one of the barmaids.
They would all laugh about how I was probably kept in a dog cage under the stairs.
It was known in my village what he did to me but nobody helped.
I could go on and on about the many times he has done awful things to me but you would probably get bored.

P was sacked from his job two years ago and refuses to work. So I go out to work, come home and clean up. He makes his money is a dodgy way which I won't talk about but it's one of the reasons I want him out of my life.

P no longer hits me but the damage is done, I have many scars inside and out. I don't love him. I don't think I ever have really. It's all been fear of P and the unknown. He's all I have ever known.

My sister was raped before Christmas and he told me he didn't want to know and that she and I were drama queens!
That was the final straw.
I don't want to leave my HA house either, it's all I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squidwardtenticles · 11/01/2014 23:59

He's come in drunk as a skunk so i'm staying upstairs out of the way. I shouldn't have to live like this.

His new insult is calling me a slut btw Confused

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 00:07

Sticks and stones... sticks and stones..... Now that you've got a plan of action you can finally detach from the name-calling. Stay strong.

estarone · 12/01/2014 00:19

i agree with CES its only names. you shouldnt have to listen to it, but neither do you have to do what he wants, which is to react to it.

instead you can channel that into action. make your plan. keep posting. keep dreaming.

many women have escaped situations like yours, by being organised and getting the right help.

its a question of doing it once and doing it right. that takes time. so that you are left in the best possible situation.

but i repeat, if he is violent, or abusive, then phone the police every time.

technically, if he is drunk and out of control, and being verbally abusive as in name calling, then this is abuse. it would to my knowledge violate a protection order, if you had one. i could be mistaken.

this is the kind of knowledge you need to acquire by liaising with Womens Aid.

but nothing rash, and don't discuss it with him or give him any warning of your plan.

EllieInTheRoom · 12/01/2014 00:20

I haven't got any advice OP but Ive just read your post and I felt so sad for you. I cant believe so many people have stood by and not helped. Then I read your later comments and I am so pleased you are rallying and you are going to beat this bastard and get the hell away from him!

So I just wanted to say, you are not a terrible person or a shit mum, you're brilliant.

Let him call you a slut, the twat will be laughing on the other side of his face soon when you're gone

Thanks
ButDadSaidICould · 12/01/2014 00:34

I can understand why your house might feel like all you have left, but it really isn't. Your children are, your future is, but not your house (as much as it might feel that way).

Protect your children, protect yourself. Keep the house if you can, but don't waste precious time and energy fighting for it if doing so compromises your safety. It feels solid and secure but you're strong enough without it.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 12/01/2014 00:44

Oh god you poor thing, I'm so sad and horrified that you have to live like this. Bloody well done for finding the strength to want to change things

I agree that you need a plan. I really really think you need to make sure you report all of his abuse to you- obviously that's something that should be done anyway but if he is the primary carer to your dc he might try to keep them. the children normally stay with the primary carer because that's whats best for them but by having his behaviour on record it will mean they can be protected and can stay with you where they're safe

Stay strong, you can build a better life for you and your children and it will be so so worth it

jenwa · 12/01/2014 08:09

Hoping you ok this am and he wasn't nasty when he got home. X

Original poster
Squidwardtenticles · 12/01/2014 16:19

I must of left my Mn profile logged on because I have come in from work and P had read everything.
He's gone out to the pub and said he's moving out tomorrow.

I don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
estarone · 12/01/2014 16:35

hi there are you safe.

was he angry.

if he comes home and is abusive and aggressive or violent, then you need to ensure you are ready to phone the police.

can you ask a friend to stay in with you over night to ensure that when he comes home, you have someone there and are safe.

its ok not to know how to feel. when you have been emotionally abused, it is hard to even name your own feelings, as you haven't been allowed feel.

you will have conflicted emotions. but your physical safety and that of your children really is the most important thing - isnt it?

and from your descriptions your partner is not that safe to be around.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 16:38

Call the police now. He's angry now, knows your plans and is sinking down alcohol on top. This is potentially a very, very dangerous combination and you need to stay safe.

ProjectGainsborough · 12/01/2014 16:44

I second the idea to either go and stay with your mum for the night, even if it's on the kitchen floor, or get someone over.

Hopefully tomorrow he'll be gone xx

BuzzardBird · 12/01/2014 16:47

Yes, police now. He will be pissed off and drunk later. Its time to end the cycle now Op. We are all here

estarone · 12/01/2014 16:56

odds are you are going to need support in the house tonight.

make plans. dont be afraid. the law is on your side. what he does and the way he treats you is not only wrong, but against the law.

CCTVmum · 12/01/2014 16:57

You need to contact Police like cog says this minute and they will take you to Womens Aid or another Refuge. This is very dangerous situation as he will lose everything which can have dire consequences. Excellent advice post Cog on stopping the abuse now.

Corabell · 12/01/2014 16:59

Please get yourself safe and call the police.

jenwa · 12/01/2014 19:59

Oh no! Yes you need to stay safe.

Glenshee · 12/01/2014 23:08

Hope you're ok OP.

fireandlife · 12/01/2014 23:17

Stay safe, thinking of you.x

Offred · 13/01/2014 00:41

Very worried about this. You need to call the police and see if they can put you and the dc into a refuge.

This man is absolutely sadistic and he nearly killed you and his child when you were pregnant. There is nothing worse than that, therefore nothing he isn't capable of.

Please, please, the house does not matter. Leaving is the most dangerous time. You don't want your dc walking in on your terribly injured or dead body after he has beaten you just for the sake of trying to keep a house.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 13/01/2014 00:44

Dear God. Good luck.

Noregrets78 · 13/01/2014 01:01

These are the worst when the OP vanishes. I hope everything is OK OP, whatever has happened please do let us know you're alright.

desperatelyseekingsolace · 13/01/2014 07:01

Hope you are OK OP.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/01/2014 08:23

Thinking of you OP and hope you are ok and safe

MadIsTheNewNormal · 13/01/2014 08:38

If it's a HA house then why don't you report him anonymously to the police, he'll get put away for a long time (hopefully) and you'll be free to carry on living in the house, no-one will be any the wiser and there will be one less criminal piece of scum on the streets.

Can't believe you went on to have two more children with this utter piece of shit after what he did to you in your first pregnancy.

How old are your children?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 08:47

@MadIsTheNewNormal. It's not very helpful berating the OP for having more children. Victims of seriously abusive relationships are threatened, coerced and terrorised into making all kinds of decisions that, to an outsider, seem irrational.

OP I hope you are OK & safe this morning.