I can't go on.

[Squidwardtenticles]

Please don't judge me. I already know i'm a terrible person and a shit mum.

I met my Dp (I'll call him P because he doesn't deserve the D) when I was 15. We have been together for 16 years and have 3 children.

Practically from the first month of me finding out I was pregnant with our first P changed. He began to push me around and became very controlling.

I was pregnant with my second and he attacked some people leaving them seriously injured. He went on the run for awhile until he was found and sent to prison on remand. He got out when I was roughly 8 months gone.

He beat me so hard that the placenta ruptured and I ended up in intensive care.
Throughout the years he has beat me, called me names, put my face in the bin, spat on me, told me to show his friends my bruises then they all laughed.

I posted on here about him a few years ago. My head was a complete mess and I had a breakdown. I told how he had got down on one knee and proposed to me, only for me to open the box and there was no ring. It was a joke.
P used to go out most nights drinking, he would come home and wake me up just to push me about and belittle me. I wet myself many times with fright. During these nights out a rumour started that he was seeing one of the barmaids.
They would all laugh about how I was probably kept in a dog cage under the stairs.
It was known in my village what he did to me but nobody helped.
I could go on and on about the many times he has done awful things to me but you would probably get bored.

P was sacked from his job two years ago and refuses to work. So I go out to work, come home and clean up. He makes his money is a dodgy way which I won't talk about but it's one of the reasons I want him out of my life.

P no longer hits me but the damage is done, I have many scars inside and out. I don't love him. I don't think I ever have really. It's all been fear of P and the unknown. He's all I have ever known.

My sister was raped before Christmas and he told me he didn't want to know and that she and I were drama queens!
That was the final straw.
I don't want to leave my HA house either, it's all I have.

It's all I have known Tweasels. My dad was the same with my mum, my granddad did it to my nan etc..

My other granddad was a paedophile who abused hundreds of children.

My family is filled with sadness and abuse.

....And you're where that sadness and abuse stops. You're going to break the cycle and give yourself and your DCs chance to have a better time of it. But you have to pick up the phone, tell someone your story, show them your MN threads and ask for help. It's there waiting for you. :)

Squidward, sending you love and support xxx

And you have the power to stop the chain.
It's hideous my love, truly hideous. No one should be in your position but it can and is going to change because today you have made the decision to make a better life for you and your children.

Without trying to sound dramatic, do you want your children to enter into abusive relationships because they think it's normal? You are a great mum because you stay so strong for them but you will be an even better mum when you show them how to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I really admire you for how you've coped so far but imagine having a wonderful life without him in it. Imagine how good it could be with time and support. Use this and make the call my love please.

I'm ending once and for all. I feel strong enough to do it and the thought of it is making me smile.

If he starts I will just call the police.

Please stay safe. Top priority. Call the 101 number before you tell him it's over and then they can react more quickly. Have someone with you rather than being alone. Safety above all. Violent men are very dangerous when they think they have lost.

Make sure you have someone with you before telling him, please.

I won't do it tonight because he's just gone to the pub
But I swear that this time he's gone.

Life is too short.

If he's gone to the pub it's the ideal time to call the 101 number and also Womens Aid.

I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach

I'm talking to my mum and she said she will be there when I tell him to sod off.

Can you take the kids to your mums?

Op, what a cruel cunt this man is.

Please contact women's aid, please.

I have been helped by them in the past and stayed at a refuge with my children.

They will help you with everything and will also give advice re your ha property.

You are such a young woman and you deserve to be happy.

Keep reading the threads on here from women that have been abused and they are so inspiring. You will draw so much strength from them.

To put your face in a bin, and to pretend he had an engagement ring is fucking disgusting.

Good luck to you op x

I meant threads from women that have left abusive partners are inspiring.

Cogito is spot on when she says violent men can be dangerous.

He will be thinking to himself how ducking dare she.

The bastard.

Fucking not ducking.

Lobbing this phone out of the window in a minute!

Oh what a horrible man hurting you and making you feel like this. You need to be without him and so do your children. His temper and physical violence could happen to them. You should never be treated like this. Your worth so much more and he is a Nasty bully who is making your life miserable. I hope you can get out of this ASAP!!

Listen to these wonderful women's advice.

Sending you hugs and strength x

I mean he could loose his temper and physical violence with the kids.

I don't have any particular expertise with DV but I just wanted to add my voice to those saying please get out. You have had a horrendous time, you are not a bad person or a shit mother. He will not get your children. Just get the f* out and get your life back. Wishing you strength and courage.

My mum couldn't take me in because she hasn't got the room.

I don't want to take the children out of our home either.

Home is where the heart is, not where he is.

my advice is dont do anything rash, these things work best when there is a plan. make an appointment with someone in Womens Aid, or someone like a female community police officer that can tell you your rights, and you can plan how to get out so that you are safe. or else how he can be encouraged to leave.

dont tell him anything, or act different yet, or have any conversations about it, as he could get violent. but if he is ever violent again report it to the police and have him charged. take control.

i know you value your house. but you can get another house. you cannot however get your thirties back, or your own health if he is violent again. you are your childrens home. you. not the house. you create their home.

i know its hard. thats where getting support and a plan is so important.

look at what you have achieved. you have survived this relationship, and succeeded in going to college and having a job. most of us on here could not be as strong as you.

all we ask is that you think about getting more information about your rights, getting some legal support, some counselling.

it can time to leave safely. but you can do it.

you are not your family history.

He's already had my teens and my 20's. I'll be damned if I let him have my 30's too.

Squid. You do need to act but I'm worried he'll hurt you if you tell him to get out. You need to contact Women's aid and make a plan. He's not just going to walk out.

I know you're determined not to leave your home but you need to make sure you're safe. Please call and get advice about how to do this safely.

I agree with previous posters that you need to be prepared with advice, a plan and support.

I don't think having only your mum for support will be enough, you need to involve professionals (Women's Aid) and the police to make sure you make a safe exit and stay safe.