Two years on and very little has changed...

[WhiteLight]

Two years ago, I started this thread about my husband's subtle bullying and controlling behaviour.

I got a lot of great advice, which to be honest I didn't feel I was in a position to take at the time.

Two years on, and my life has changed considerably. I have returned to work, I've got a very senior position in a fantastic company, and am quite the shining star.

I now earn much more working part time than he does working full time, I've lost 2 stone in weight, am more confident and successful than I've ever been, and am really, truly happy at work.

This has resulted in a whole new set of problems at home, and I could do with some perspective and advice.

Since going back to work (at his insistence), I've had to contend with a constant commentary about the hours I work (I sometimes need to work up to an hour after my scheduled finish time), and he's really unhappy that every couple of months I need to stay away overnight with work. Even though he works overtime nearly every weekend - which I have no problems with at all.

He hints without saying outright, that he thinks I'm seeing someone else, which I'm absolutely not.

He still complains about the house despite the fact that I work 4 days a week, and he does absolutely no housework, shopping or childcare at all.

I'm at my wits end. I'm now in a position whereby if I chose to end our marriage, I am equipped to do so, both emotionally and financially, but I have 2 children, nice lifestyle, all the usual MC trappings.

There's part of me wants to end it, because I now can, but should I just ignore it and hope he gets over what could be some kind of mid life crisis or insecurity? My kids have a nice life and I don't want to screw that up just because I'm not 100% happy.

He's a prick, he's always been a prick.

It's not some midlife crisis, it's him being the same prick he's always been.

I don't really know what to say to you if you think "middle class trappings" are a good reason to put up with someone like this.

Two years on and the abuse dynamic remains the same as it was all that time previously. You have wasted a further two years of your life by staying with this person. Did you think that he would somehow have an epiphany (HAH!); he has never thought that he has done any wrong by you in the first place!!.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are
being met here by this person?. What has prevented you from leaving to date; the house (this is but bricks and mortar), the children, fear, shame, embarrassment?. All of those feelings are misplaced on your part and no obstacle is insurmountable. You and he should not be at all together due to his abuse of you now along with added paranoia that you are seeing someone else. It has worn you down and you have become inurred to it as a result.

Do you still see yourself with him in say a year's time?.

He is not just insecure or having a so called mid life crisis; he acts like this towards you partly because he can. You are still there putting up with him and his controlling behaviour, you have allowed this abuse of you also to continue. You do realise of course that controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour?.

Did you ever read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. If you did not before now, then its high time that you did so.

If you think the children are having a "nice life" at home then you are sadly mistaken. They have seen and heard far more than you perhaps care to realise. They probably could even blame themselves for their parents private war. If you were to choose to stay with him they could well despise you for doing so and wonder why you put him before them during their childhoods.

Nothing re him will change because he will not and cannot change. You have also remained there for your own reasons. A "nice house" with all the supposed middle class trappings is no real substitute for a home where no abuse at all happens within it. Your childrens house is really no sanctuary for them is it?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.
Damaging lessons that's what.

You do also realise that the only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE.

Once a controlling bully, always a controlling bully. I'm glad you have more confidence and are more independent but it's clear he's hell bent on dragging you back down. Sorry. He's not going to get over anything.

It's not the MC trappings I'm looking to hang onto - my kids are happy and secure, and I just need some perspective on what's actually happening here and what others think of the situation I'm in. I can't see the wood for the trees.

That is all too clear, when you are in the midst of abuse the person on the receiving end, in this case you primarily with your children being victims as well I might add, cannot fully see it.

He is trying and succeeding currently in controlling you and now he's also adding his own paranoia that you are seeing someone else into this toxic mix.

He sees that you have become more happy and that threatens him because he thinks that you being happier makes you harder to control. He thinks you will fight back, he wants to keep you submissive and in check. He does not like the fact that you have lost weight and have become more confident in yourself; that is a threat to him.

What do you think of your H when you look at him?.

If someone else was writing what you have done, what would be your counsel to them?.

Again you have not answered what you get out of this relationship so I can only assume that you get nothing (emotionally speaking) out of it. MC trappings do not in any way compensate for the abuse at home that he metes out towards you (and by turn the children because he is abusing their mother).

Your H distrusts you and accuses you of seeing someone else, he criticises your working hours, he is unhappy that you have to stay away once a month because of work, he thinks you're seeing someone else?. What do you think of him?. You must hate his very being. The children do pick up on all the vibes; they see and hear far more than you care to realise. Am sorry but their life at home is built on sand.

Denial is a powerful force but staying in this marriage is really no option for either you or them in the long run.

What do YOU want to teach them about relationships here, surely not this frankly piss poor dysfunctional model of one?.

He was always controlling in nature but like many abusers kept a lid on it (he was likely controlling prior to marriage as well but you did not see or perhaps even minimised or excused the red flags) till after marriage and children. Such men too are very plausible to those in the outside world though I would think that perhaps one or two of your closest friends have some doubts about him.

Read too the thread entitled "why is it that people living with an abusive partner cannot see it".

This is not 'middle class trappings' it's a middle class trap.

You are trapped in a very strange relationship with man who controls and bullies you. The more outwardly successful and confident you become, the more paranoid he feels, the more he tightens his grip.

Please don't think your children don't notice, it's simply not true.

Attila, I'm afraid you could be spot on with many of the points you've made. :-(

its easy for all these women to say leave leave, its abusive. its actually not that healthy for children to have a broken parental relationship. where there is violence and rows in front of them, then yes this is a problem.

but ye havent suggested marriage counselling, which should be tried for a year at least before the upheaval of a separation, or havent asked if she has asked her husband what he wants.

do we not all try and control each other in small ways. are there ways to build up your husbands confidence so that he feels more secure? could you make him responsible for more housework and childcare and praise him for his support?

the comment, hes a prick hes always been a prick. you dont actually know this man.

what is he looking for? what is he trying to communicate? is he under stress in his job? is this a reaction to your depression? maybe it is scary for him losing control over you? maybe you can reassure him? maybe he isn't perfect - how can you reach him so he feels understood and heard.

i work from the basis, that people mostly behave how they know. maybe he doesnt know any better. he sounds unhappy. how can he become more happy. men love to feel necessary, to feel needed.

i have struggles myself in my marriage. but i dont think my husband is abusive or a prick. he is a human being with struggles. he is not always nice to me. i am not always nice to him. we are learning. marriage isn't easy. the first ten years are hard they say.

im just trying to put forward a different view to - he is a prick leave him. i mean that sounds easy. but it is actually very hard and final. if you can work it out, surely that is a better scenario for your small children.

wishing you the best,

You ask for feedback - what strikes me is that now you are working 4 days a week do you not stand up to your partner when he complains about the housework, seeing as he does none? Why do you let him get away with doing no childcare and shopping? Do you do all the cooking too?

What will happen if you stand up for yourself at home and challenge his controlling behaviours? What are you afraid of?

have you tried a date night.

sorry. hope my advice isn't trivial. men can struggle feeling pushed out after children. fussing over them every so often can help. he sounds like he is seeking your attention. seeking your love. were ye happy once? when were ye last happy together?

ladies, if a man was posting here saying, my wife has post natal depression, is crying all the time, and difficult to live with, very down, often angry, would ye say, leave the b*tch. no you would say, support her, be patient.

this lady loved this man enough to have his children and marry him. once this must have worked. maybe he is struggling in life. do we leave when things get hard. no we work at fixing it.

i know its hard OP, when you are doing your best, but husbands are sensitive creatures, and we must be sensitive to their egos. i did not attend to my husbands ego, and now i pay the price.

i must be silent more, praise him more, listen more, pay attention more. i must be patient. i do this because i have a child, and i don't want my child to come from a broken home.

i will be the adult. i will be patient. i will show that i am there for the rough and smooth times.

i am not the innocent. i caused some rows as well as had them caused.

if this man was violent and agressive my message would be different.

there is still hope, a way of reaching him, a way and time for him to grow and change. no?

Estarone - it's not recommended to do marriage counselling with a controlling bully. Relate, for example, supposedly pass couples on if there is any abuse going on. If your husband is neither abusive nor a prick then you are in a completely different situation than the OP.

In a situation with an absuive man, it is actually preferable to get the children away from him. It's very damaging to children to witness control and bullying. And this parental dynamic is linked to higher rates of mental illness among teens and young people - eating disorders, self harm, anxiety and depression.

estarone you are spectacularly missing the point and FWIW a marriage should never be 'hard work'. Husbands are sensitive creatures? ODFOD

So this man is making and obsessive commentary on the OPs working hours, thinks she's having an affair, does nothing round the house, and you think a date night will fix this Estarone?

If you've read The Surrendered Wife or given in to your partner's demands for more praise, more attention, more silence, more subservience; if in short the only way to keep your family together is to subjugate yoruself husband's mighty fragile ego, please do not think this is a) normal or healthy, or b) think that it is at all helpful advice for someone in the OPs situation.

I've never thought to ask myself "what do I get out of this?"

Most of the time things tick along quite well, so when things are like that, I have a relatively easy life.

It's when I don't fit the mould of what he thinks I should be or do, that I start to get grief. Unfortunately, this is becoming a regular thing these days.

let me remind you ladies, you are giving advice to people you have never met. they might take this advice

is it not better to recommend they see a counsellor who is qualified to determine whether it is controlling and abuse or not, before she leaves with the children?

are you qualified to read over the internet a one sided account and determine whether it is abuse?

you have never met this woman, and yet you tell her her relationship is abusive and her husband is a prick. and i am outrageous to suggest caution and an independant opinion in actual reality and not the internet land.

so who is missing the point?

OP for gods sake seek independant advice from an actual person that exists in reality for your relationship. someone not biased.

they can tell you if you are abused. and can give you strategies on how to communicate better as a couple if you are not.

before you upheave your life, split your assets, and change your childrens lives forever.

I genuinely think he can't handle the fact that I've grown so much as a person in the last while. Maybe jealous?

i must be silent more, praise him more, listen more, pay attention more. i must be patient. i do this because i have a child, and i don't want my child to come from a broken home.

Buy he isn't saying that, is he?

Two people in a marriage.

My EA ex was the same. My hobby at the time was am-dram. He encouraged me to go and enjoy myself (nice of him) but I came back one night to find him pissed, close to tears and complaining that he couldn't bear the thought of me in the arms of all these other men. As we were staging a panto at the time I pointed out that the 'other men' were a little too happy to be dressed as women to be contenders ... But what he wanted was for me to say 'for your sake dear I'll drop my hobby'.

That's what yours is doing. Nothing to do with love. All about the control.

whitelight

give him a chance to be understood, and to change. maybe he doesnt realise how bad he is being. maybe he needs your help. your compassion. your love.

again other posters with the assumptions. i am far from a surrendered wife. i am a realistic wife. i dont expect to be married to a perfect man. i married a human being with flaws, needs, expectations, dreams. maybe when i dont meet my husbands expectations he is disappointed. do i reject him? or do i understand him? understanding someone is not the same as changing for someone. being heard, being empathised with, is a powerful thing.

I know I'm being bullied and I told him that a couple of days ago, as well as telling him that he had to 'get a grip'. He did the 'yeah right' thing when I said that. He's putting pressure on me to do what he wants me to do, he's not happy that I want to do my job to the best of my ability or potential. He's insinuating that I'm putting my job before my family, and I don't think I am. I'm back at work because he wanted me to work, but he's still not happy.

He's trying to guilt-trip you into giving it up... but if you did quit your job he would say it had been entirely your decision. No-win situation and you're right, it's bullying.

I appreciate your comments estarone, but I'm not feeling any compassion in my direction from him. I'm not perfect but expected to be so. He's continually disappointed in me, and I want it to stop. I have flaws, needs, expectations and dreams too.

There's part of me wants to end it, because I now can, but should I just ignore it and hope he gets over what could be some kind of mid life crisis or insecurity?

You know deep down, what the answer is to the 'mid-life crisis' and 'insecurity' question. And it's not bloody date night.