Two years on and very little has changed...

[WhiteLight]

Two years ago, I started this thread about my husband's subtle bullying and controlling behaviour.

I got a lot of great advice, which to be honest I didn't feel I was in a position to take at the time.

Two years on, and my life has changed considerably. I have returned to work, I've got a very senior position in a fantastic company, and am quite the shining star.

I now earn much more working part time than he does working full time, I've lost 2 stone in weight, am more confident and successful than I've ever been, and am really, truly happy at work.

This has resulted in a whole new set of problems at home, and I could do with some perspective and advice.

Since going back to work (at his insistence), I've had to contend with a constant commentary about the hours I work (I sometimes need to work up to an hour after my scheduled finish time), and he's really unhappy that every couple of months I need to stay away overnight with work. Even though he works overtime nearly every weekend - which I have no problems with at all.

He hints without saying outright, that he thinks I'm seeing someone else, which I'm absolutely not.

He still complains about the house despite the fact that I work 4 days a week, and he does absolutely no housework, shopping or childcare at all.

I'm at my wits end. I'm now in a position whereby if I chose to end our marriage, I am equipped to do so, both emotionally and financially, but I have 2 children, nice lifestyle, all the usual MC trappings.

There's part of me wants to end it, because I now can, but should I just ignore it and hope he gets over what could be some kind of mid life crisis or insecurity? My kids have a nice life and I don't want to screw that up just because I'm not 100% happy.

maybe he is jealous, or feels sensitive that you have grown so much. how can you reassure him. you are doing so well in work. how is he feeling. becoming a father is a big deal for men, it can bring up a lot.

how does he feel? what is going on for him?

I am sure that he is not also jealous but feeling very insecure at your new life that's why he's so paranoid that you might be having an affair.

That's why he's tightened his grip.

May I ask what would happen now if you ask him to take on an equal share of the housework and childcare?

He's insinuating that I'm putting my job before my family, and I don't think I am. I'm back at work because he wanted me to work, but he's still not happy.

No-win situation which is exactly what he wants. Don't work? You're lazy and need to earn your keep than creaming off his Hard Earned Money. Work? And you're a selfish cold-hearted career woman who needs to think of his needs the family.

so you should see a family therapist to sort it out, and to get it to stop, and to be heard, and so he can be heard, and so you reach a realistic compromise.

i wish you the best, and i feel empathy with you.

Bullies can only be stood up to and challenged. Compromise equals weakness when dealing with a bully. Stay strong OP. Whether you stay or leave, if you stay strong in the face of this campaign & don't compromise in order to please him, you will retain your self-respct

compromise is a necessary part of all mature adult relationships. you can present compromise as a solution. if it is not accepted, then you can point out that you have presented a reasonable compromise, at least, so the fault is not yours.

correction - compromise is a negotiation.

children should come first. adults second.

This is not a mature adult relationship. It is one of a bully and their victim. Compromise is not possible with a bully. And you're quite wrong about children coming first. As they say in aircraft safety talks.... fit your own mask before attending to others.

what does this even mean fit your own mask first.

how does this translate into actual life.

as a parent, your childs wellbeing should be central to any major decisions you make. you are no longer a single person with no dependants. that actually means something. it means putting them first.

if as a mother you had a choice between your mask and your childs mask, then you put the mask on the child. surely?

You haven't been on an aircraft lately, have you? :) When fitting oxygen masks, parents are explicitly told to fit their own before fitting their children's. Standard procedure. Because, as in life, we the parents need to be in good shape, emotionally & physically, if we are to do the right thing for our DCs

This sounds like a version of what I had for nine years.

I left and have never been happier.

Yes, I recognise this scenario.
When I was a SAHM, no income of my own I could not do anything right. Constantly critical, and reminded that he was keeping us. So, I went back and got a degree.

It was never acknowledge that this might be a good thing, Thor told my student loan was a drop in the ocean and I'd be better off working a minimum wage job. I now know I'm an amazing mum & wife, I just had the wrong husband.

Got a graduate job with a big multinational. He didn't get that this was a good thing and kept criticising that all my flagging about at uni was a waste of time as I was on graduate wages.

Within 18 months I was warning the same. Also doing all childcare and housework. The extra money went I to his pocket and down the pub. He also accused me of putting my job first, of having an affair, of ignoring him.

Yes, he had a fragile ego. And I tried. For 15 fucking years, I tried. It made not one iota of difference.

He liked me dependant and skint. It made him feel superior. So of course when I succeeded at some thing, when I responded to his criticism and proved that I was as good as him. If not better. It shattered his fragile fucking ego.

It took me years to realise I was miserable, that he was a bad husband and a mediocre father.

We split. I was the best ex wife ever, didn't even ask for child maintenance, split the assets fairly. Offered access to the kids (who were upset but ok).

And I got the hell out. I was sad, afraid of being on my own, worried about the kids. But most of all relieved. A huge weight lifted off my shoulder. And we were both better patents apart than together.

Good luck OP, make the right choice for you.

If you're safe enough* and are pondering staying/going, then issue an ultimatum - you aren't happy in the relationship and unless $specific things change you won't be staying.

• ie. you're not at risk of violence/emotional abuse/you have access to money and important documents and so on - but use your own definition - is that a safe conversation to have with him or might it lead to him hiding assets/being abusive and so on.

Whatever you do to change yourself, get a job, give up a job, lose weight, put on weight, he will always be a prick who will put you down and criticise you and make everything all your fault.

What do you want OP? Do you want to spend the next 5, 10, 20 years with this man? Do you want him to suck the joy out of every triumph or good time in your life?

You don't need him. You certainly don't sound like you want him - understandably! So maybe it's time to bite the bullet and make the decision you know has to be made. There's something about your OP that made it sound like you are asking permission from us. You don't need anyone's permission - not even his. You have made amazing strides forward in the last 2 years. He hasn't changed a jot.

If you think there is any possibility of saving something - and if that's what you want - then maybe try and have one honest conversation with him (if it is safe to do so). Tell him this is it - crunch time. If he reacts like an arsehole there's your answer. If there is anything genuinely decent in him it may give him the shock wake up call to actually start examining his behaviour.

Good luck

estarone in an abusive relationship it has nothing to do with what he feels an abuser will try to convince his partner victim that it does so they will try to make him feel better in order to make the bullying stop.

It is not about what he feels. it is about what he thinks. He thinks he is better. he thinks see deserves it. he thinks he owns her. he thinks she should do all the housework while he does f all. because he thinks he is more important than her.

And it us bloody difficult to change what ssomeone thinks especially when they benefit from thinking that and there us very little cost to them. they get looked after they get their own way.
the only way to make it cost them is to leave if they don't change. And he hadn't changed.

As for compromise that won't work unless he is the one doing he compromising. For example my x said it was ok for himto call me names in front of the dc if i didn't cook him the right tea. i said it wasn't.what compromise would you suggest - that he gets to call me a bitch but not a cunt? Or i agree to cook him whatever he wants as long as he doesn't verbally abuse me?
It isn't compromise if one party is so far in te wrong that compromising even a little means accepting some degree of completely inappropriate behaviour. that is not compromise it is not putting up with a foible it is sacrifice. and some sacrifices are not worth making.

And a rs in which one party does everything is neither a marriage nor a family.

And OP yy to what others have said call him on it and tell him to step up. if he doesn't (and get hadn't so far) then give yourself permission to end it if that will make you happier.
You cannot change him only yourself and you have already done that and he is still causing you pain.

Well done though OP for all you have achieved.

It's when I don't fit the mould of what he thinks I should be or do, that I start to get grief. Unfortunately, this is becoming a regular thing these days.

I want to give you a hug for this line alone.
People may tell you what to do but in the end it will be your choice on how to proceed and it will only happen when you are ready.
But hear me when I say you are amazing. You have got a job which pays well, supported your children, listened to the demands of a man who seems to have no perspective and maintained in amongst all that a happy home. This is all achieved against a backdrop of criticism.
Don't ever doubt your strength or achievements and it is not for him to judge you only to support and love you. It is his choice if he achieves this or not.
I agree to tell him what you expect form him as a partner and see if he can do this.
Personally having been in an EA relationship when I did this, my ExP levelled a torrent of abuse at me every time I dared to bring up how I felt. Now I realise this is not the reaction of a 'normal' partner.
As Bernard says, you got change HIM, only whether YOU are happy with how it is going. And that is your choice.

tweedlezee thank you so much.

I have been tiptoeing around his ego and failing to live up to his standards for a long time and spent a lot of that time thinking I wasn't good enough at anything. I now realise that actually I'm pretty good at most things, and am not taking that crap off him any more.

I've prepared myself to take him on over this behaviour, and I know he'll not be happy about it at all. I'm not at any risk of harm over this, nor are the children. It'll be lots of sulking and silent treatment, which I can handle (used to it).

I'll be back later.

I think if the sulking and silent treatment start you need to call him on that too. Maybe not immediately so your first words have time to sink in. But he needs to know that this isn't acceptable either (unless you are talking about a few minutes like a normal person might be quiet for after a row!)

No, I'm talking about a weekend of silence.

That is passive aggressive behaviour.
Do you find that he will punish you with something after this silent period? Are the DC's aware of this period? Will he change his behaviour towards then during this silent period?

You might want to start asking yourself these questions as they may help you to decide how you feel about the behaviour.
Some people are fine about it, others are not. I was a person who decided my ex-P's behaviour was un-acceptable. That was my decision about the choices he was making.

If the OP asks for what she's due - equal share of housework, shopping, cooking, childcare - plus the cessation of interrogation on her working hours, accepting her overnights without fuss etc - I'd be surprised if he accepted all of that with only passive aggressive silence as response.

Children may well feel happy and secure in an enduring and stable abusive relationship. However if you think about that for a minute you may see that in order to feel happy and secure in it they will have normalised the abuse. Therefore being likely to repeat the patterns in their own adult relationships.

Just because children seem happy and secure, if the relationship is abusive, that does not mean you should not leave, IMO that is all the more reason to leave and disrupt their idea of what is a normal and happy LTR.