Tell me about emotional affairs...

[Livingthedaydream]

Regular but NC'd.

Why do they start?
Where do they go?
How do they end?

Well its clear from your posts that you have no intention of stopping your EA. I cant see anywhere that you feel any kind of guilt or remorse towards everyone else involved at the moment, so i'm not exactly sure why you're posting or what you hope to gain from this.
I am struggling to understand

I could tell you how my DH's EA affected me, I could tell you the circumstances leading up to it, I could tell you how devastated,hurt and humiliated I was, but I wont as I don't think that will make a difference to you right now.
Because you have justified it already in your head, there is simply no point in any of us telling you what you should or should not do or telling you the rights and wrongs of it all.

Can I just ask if your MM were to leave his wife and Dc's for you would you end your relationship to be with him?

Can I also ask if you have thought about the massive fallout should this come out, ( and I mean really truly thought about it) How would you feel about this situation then?

I agree with the self-importance issues.

But feminism must have completely eluded this poster, who talks about her partner "manning up" and "providing". Who thinks that as she's not getting enough attention from a man, it's ok to mess around with another one who'll take his attention away from the woman he's committed to.

It's always struck me as immensely hypocritical when folks whinge about not being paid enough attention, but are only too happy to let some other sucker suffer that fate.

I think there is a false sense of superiority in 'winning' a man, by having him choose you rather than another woman.

The problem is that the only kind of man who would do this is not worth having anyway, so he's not so much a 'prize' as a forfeit.

You don't win a cheater, you get lumbered with them.

The ones that are worth having wouldn't be interested in extra-marital affairs. They would either turn down the offer or do the decent thing and end their primary relationship first.

OP I have had a friend go through this. The whole reason she embarked on it was because of abject misery at home. With the wrong guy. Neither of them were horrible they were just wrong for each other. Split up eventually but not until she realised that the EA satisfied nothing in real life.

Your posts, particularly the last one, sounded incredibly contradictory. Either you want him to leave his wife for you or you don't and you are content to carry on in this fantasy world for the rest of your days.

I'd say deep down you want him to leave and set up shop with you and all will be hunky dory. I am afraid that if that happened you'd be doomed to failure and end up in another affair with someone else. You haven't even slept with him yet he could be shit in bed for all you know! (you know you are going to get physical with this guy don't you at this rate?). He has kids. So you're going to have to make friends with them once the two of you are shacked up - how is that going to go down with them as the woman who spilt up their mum and dad and caused so much pain? That is reality, not some meaningless bullshit on a text message.

An ea is an affair I don't care if it involves any touchy feely or not. You are currently cheating on you partner - being married has nothing to do with it.

The reality of this is not pretty. It won't be if he leaves and moves in with you. You have nothing of substance with this man.

So your partner might be a pain, why don't you just ditch him then if he's such dead weight?

You know as well right if this married man can cheat on his wife he is more than capable of doing it to you?

You don't deserve a flaming for posting and wanting to know about others and their opinions. I feel quite sorry for you as there is a hint of desperation in your messages. There is not one person in the universe, me included, who has not at some point in their lives caused deep and painful hurt to another, intentional or not. It's just this particular topic has hurt them and it's not easy reading.

But you sound seriously messed up and confused and I think you should get some form of counselling to talk through your priorities. Your issues I think go deeper than a crap relationship and enjoying a fling.

This is not normal behaviour and the world you inhabit in your head with this man is not real - just remember that.

I hope you find a resolution.

I also do not intend on leaving my partner. I do love him but at this moment I just need a bit more love and attention and I am not getting it from him right now. I do honestly believe we will be ok in the future

See this is what I mean about not being realistic. How are you ever going to achieve such a content state with your partner if you exhaust your energy with something that is not real. Relationships take work and if you aren't prepared to do the decent thing and leave your partner then you need to end this affair.

This guy isn't choosing the poster over his wife though. He wants her AS WELL as his wife, for a while until he gets fed up or he's found out. He's also made it very clear he's not going to leave his main relationship. Of course he's claimed he's not happy in his relationship - he probably thinks the poster wouldn't have got involved if he was honest and said everything's just fine and he wanted a roll in the hay for as long as it lasts.

There can be no superiority in being an extra.

Unfaithful men never assume unfaithful women are just as selfish as them and always think women need to think a man's relationship is a shambles before getting involved. Wrong. HE'D get involved even if this poster said her relationship was just great and unfaithful women are no different. The difference is he probably knows it's not a lovejob and has no need to think it's any more than a brief diversion, whereas the poster probably needs to think she wouldn't be acting this way if 1) she hadn't fallen in love and 2) her relationship had been better.

The normal outcome of these messes is that the man tires soonest of the needy woman looking for a rescuer and either ditches her or when found out, drops her like a hot brick.

Update.

Broke up with partner yesterday.
MM is now separated.

So you all live happily ever after?!

Livigthedaydream... I was wondering how you were getting on; I'm glad that you've ended things with your partner, it reduces the complication and was the right thing to do. I expect it feels a bit weird at the moment though and that your mind and thoughts are running away with you, but that's normal. MM will have to do some thinking too and coming to terms with the end of his marriage. It's a major change for both of you.

My advice would be to take your time to regroup your feelings and decide what you want your life to be like once everything has settled.

Whatever you do, don't leap into coupledom with MM right now, not if you think that you'd like to be a couple one day because you'll start from a slightly different position; it's a tiny distinction but still significant.

It may be that you'll want to be together at some point or maybe that one or both of you will decide that's not what you want. Either way, make no sudden moves and only very considered, minor decisions for now. I wish you well, everybody deserves to be happy.

I wouldn't officially call your married man 'separated' as presumably he only split up with his wife a few days ago? Anything could happen. I'd focus on yourself now for a while tbh - well done on getting out of a relationship that you weren't happy with but both you and the MM need some time alone to focus on what you want out of life, without distracting each other IMO.

Getting involved in a relationship with a man who had only just split from his wife is normally a recipe for disaster.

Livingthedaydream I have returned to this post often since it was posted. I was wondering how things were going with you?

I have also come back to it again and again for some strength for myself..... As I said in my post, I am in a similar situation. I am finding things very difficult. When tempted to contact mm I have come back to advise on this thread and it has helped me immensely. We have been nc since that day, but I have had a setback... we met up again and things went to another level. We did not have sex but we had physical contact. I am so beyond angry with myself and I feel like I am back to square one again. I am finding this so incredibly difficult. I cannot change the fact that I see him everyday, but I have to get him out of my head for good now. I have never done anything like this before, and I am hurting and don't know how to get through this. I felt like I was being strong, and now this.

Please anyone who is on the verge of an EA, just think about things. You do not want to be sitting in my shoes right now. Other posters seem to think this isn't the place to post about this. For me I think it is, there are those of you who have been here, and those of you who have been on the other side.

I'm calling bullshit....no one could be unaware of other people and what is happening, and for me to say that means you are a moon unit.

Sorry if this offends as you said earlier I say it as I see it.

Hello Sensitive try not to be so hard on yourself. You cannot help these feelings. They consume me and I am sure they do with you too.

So, I did tell a colleague about what was going on. She has actually been very supportive. She knew of my problems with my partner and has also seen me and MM's relationship blossom. He does not know I have told her though.
Last Tuesday I was talking with her about my partner and asked her what I should do. I then said "no, i know what to do, i'm doing it tonight" and that was it. My head was set. I felt sick all day, e-mailed my parents for advice back and forth all day. Drove home and as soon as i walked in the door I told him to sit down and ended it with him. He was in total shock. It was awful. I feel very sad for him and guilty for hurting him but i do not regret my decision.
I then stayed with my granny for a few nights whilst partner was getting his head together and then he was away this weekend for a long weekend so I managed to go back to house. He collects the rest of his stuff tomorrow.

MM had a big talk with his wife and said he wanted to separate. He works in a different city to where he lives and so he has now moved out and is lodging with a colleague.

Last Sunday night he booked a hotel and I went to stay with him. We drank, had a laugh and had a good night. Monday we went to another hotel and I basically was there to be supportive to him after he had spoke to his wife again and he was extremely sad about his kids.

He is not feeling so sad about his wife, but he is desperately sad for his kids. He is now looking for a permanent place to stay.
His wife is upset but also knew it was coming. She said that to him. They have agreed that the kids come first in everything.

I am happy just to take things as they come. I need to work out my finances, catch up with friends and just get my head together.

I feel a lot happier now. I was right to end it with my partner. I was really not happy and now I am excited to just live on my own and make the house my own too.

To be honest I probably wouldnt have ended it with my partner if it wasnt for this thread.

MM is a rock to me and I to him. We get on like a house on fire. I will not stop seeing him.

Thankyou lying again for another good post.

Whatever you do, don't leap into coupledom with MM right now, not if you think that you'd like to be a couple one day because you'll start from a slightly different position; it's a tiny distinction but still significant.
It may be that you'll want to be together at some point or maybe that one or both of you will decide that's not what you want. Either way, make no sudden moves and only very considered, minor decisions for now. I wish you well, everybody deserves to be happy.

I am definitely not going to become a couple with him at the moment. We both do need to think about our lives and what we want.
I do want kids and to be married, he has been there done that. So he will need to have a huge think about what he wants from life and if he would want to go down that road again with me. I hope he does but that will be further into the future.

I could have let him stay with me at the house but i have taken the decision not to do that. I do want some time on my own. I do want to meet up with him for dates and things but nothing more for now. I do hope we can be together in the future and I get excited thinking about it.
He feels the same. We are on the same page so there is no pressure.

I had an EA which turned to a physical and EA. we both left our spouses 8 months ago and have been together since.
I'm not proud of our behaviour although both our exes seem (and say they are) happy. Both marriages were having big problems.

It's been a rollercoaster. We are very in love but it has been hard. We kept it quiet for a long time as we didn't tell anyone we had an affair.

Anyway - PM me if you like. I know what you're Going through

If you're meeting up with him for "dates and things" that amounts to jumping straight into a relationship with him.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

No it's not really overly relationshipy. We have both calmed down the txting as well so we can have a bit of breathing space. We really were txting, calling chatting all throughout the day. Now he is lodging in the city we work we can no longer liftshare so that is less time together too.

At the moment we are just supporting each other through the break-ups. We can't talk to many people about it, or the ones we can dont know the full picture. So we really are offloading on to each other. Not great but we don't have anyone else.

Theatoz - thanks for your post. I have no doubt in my mind that my partner will be much happier in the coming months. Even MM's wife seemed to know what was coming and even though she is sad I think she knows its right for them too. If we do become a proper couple we won't be making it public for a good year or two. The thought of that is hard but I don't want to cause upset to the other people now.

You may not see it as "overly relationshipy" but you have jumped straight into a relationship with him.

How about taking a few months sabbatical and really striking out by yourself?

I think I was in one around 15 yrs ago with a guy from work. I spent a lot of time with him, always spent lunch time with him. Went out after work with him. I was in denial I think. He obviously had feelings for me but it was all unspoken. I had strong feelings for him but couldn't admit them to myself. Everyone at work could see what was happening. We were together all of the time at work, well actual work allowing.

We didn't text as mobiles weren't as common then. It only stopped when I moved jobs. It was only then I realised what had been happening. There was no physical contact at all to be fair but if DH had have done this I would be livid. DH has no idea it happened.

This seems to be a very wordy, sanitised way of saying that you dumped your partners and lied to them about there being no-one else involved - and quickly booked 2 nights in a hotel together.

You're deluding yourself massively if you think keeping your relationship secret is to avoid upsetting the other people involved. You're keeping it a secret so that neither of you get exposed as cheats. Your guy might also be keeping it a secret from his wife in case it falls flat with you and he wants to go back.

Unless you spoke to his wife, you don't know that she "saw it coming". That's just what he says.

She's probably being advised by her women pals now that there's another woman involved. I hope she gets the evidence she needs of that too.

I've seen the messages between them. And no he had to book a hotel before moving in to colleagues house so I just went to be with him. We didn't do anything. Also, Yeh we didn't tell them about us obviously because why would we when they didn't need to know? But we also did not want to hurt them anymore than was needed. I needed to break up with my partner anyway as I was so unhappy and it wasn't just about MM

I have a feeling you are going to get so fucked over.

Look after yourself!

Thanks Living.

Thanks for the update, a lot has happened in your lives in a short time. Like Glow says, take care of yourself......

You did the right thing to break up with your partner who you were unhappy with.

You say you are going to take it slowly with new guy but it doesn't look slowly from the outside. Anything could happen with him, but I really would suggest getting some distance between you, concentrating on yourself and your friendships for a bit, if possible. A break-up with children is VERY different from a break up without and it is likely to turn very messy.