Tell me about emotional affairs...

[Livingthedaydream]

Regular but NC'd.

Why do they start?
Where do they go?
How do they end?

[Oblomov]

This thread is making me feel ill.
The number if posts saying 'oh I never knew this' is pathetic. ' oh I had no idea' = please f**k off . You insulting to all females with half a brain.

[skyeskyeskye]

my XH claimed that he was unhappy in our relationship, but instead of working on that and talking to me, he developed an EA with his mates wife and told her all of our alleged problems (that I knew nothing about) and emailed/texted her thousands of times. All his attention was on her and how good it was making him feel, rather than talk to me.

You are wrong to be pursuing a married man. If he genuinely has a bad marriage, then he needs to end that before embarking on a new relationship with anyone.

In the same vein, you need to sort out your own relationship and end that if it is no longer giving you what you need. But it is never going to work out while your time and emotion is invested in another man.

[YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE]

many woman on here will be thinking. Better not be our husbands your with. please do the right thing. If you feel your relationship is over, don't make another relationship over because you are not happy.

[Back2Two]

lyingwitch is spot on.
It is blatantly obvious from your posts that you are on a roller coaster and you have absolutely NO intention on getting off.
You are loving it.

It's like talking to a drug addict about the downer whilst they're high. Ain't going to mean a thing.

Only if you have the strength of character to see the whole picture....have respect for his wife and your partner, have the strength to stop the inevitable misery ahead .....only then does this thead mean anything real.

[Back2Two]

living your posts really sound quite awful to an outsider.
You're so deluded and smug about it.
Are you having the biggest love affair ever?
Are you like some sort of Disney style couple?
Has no-one ever felt love like this before?
Have you found love in a hopeless place?

Bollocks. You're kidding yourself so blatantly. You sound young, immature and selfish . Get a fucking grip and sort out this mess .

[InTheRedCorner]

It's like talking to a drug addict about the downer whilst they're high. Ain't going to mean a thing.

Very true.

[Cambridgechick]

My DH has had a series of emotional affairs. I think that people who have them must have something missing where empathy should be. I'm sure I'd love to have my ego massaged by some young, fit guy, but I would be constantly thinking of the pain I was causing and couldn't cross that line.

Thing is, if you end it he will move onto the next EA because its addictive for these men, just like my husband has done every time I've caught him out in one of these "friendships"

I suspect there's no point telling you anything because you are utterly self-centred. I pity your partner with all my heart.

[whodhavethunkit]

I'm a married mum of 3 currently in the grip of an EA. The OM is in another country to me so there is absolutely no way that it will ever go any further. Like you though, OP, I love the thrill of it and the way he makes me feel. But I also go through times of intense guilt where I cut all contact. It is always short lived though. I miss him terribly when I go NC so cave in. He is also married with a dc. I know that it is all complete fantasy and neither of us has any intention of changing our lives for the other. I know what we are doing is very wrong. I know that I am selfish and don't deserve the wonderful DH that I have. I know that the only real way forward is to go NC and stick with it. I'm just weak.

[InTheRedCorner]

Fucking hell. Weak men, weak women. Fucked up all the way.

I wish I had wise words but I don't, I hate selfish people.

[Tonandfeather]

I love my partner, i am not in love with him right now. I feel i could if he just mans up a bit and becomes a bit of a provider. I am the breadwinner, he is content to earn just enough to keep us living but wont strive for anything more.

Like the married man, you mean? Is he an ambitious provider then?

An ambitious provider who is hoping to screw around and hurt his wife?

Stop being such a ridiculous princess who's looking for a man to be a provider. As you can see, ambitious providers aren't all they are cracked up to be.

Provide for yourself.

Be on your own and if you want more, earn it yourself.

Stop expecting a man to prop up your life. Especially don't expect a man who's committed to someone else to solve your life problems.

[jojoanna]

If you go down the path of an illicit shag the line will be crossed and there is no turning back. Even if nobody ever finds out you will know .

[Pukkapik]

Living -
There are two things here - dissatisfaction with your DP, and the only way to improve that is to sit and talk and tell him that you need more from him than you are getting and that you want to make it work. Otherwise, things will just get worse.
The EA ...this has warning lights all over it. This guy loves the excitement, cannot believe he has found a mental and physical attraction so accessible..but I do NOT believe when push comes to shove, he would choose you. If this guy was seriously concerned about the potential end of his marriage, he would be more troubled, upset and concerned about everyone's feelings conflicting round about him. Sounds like he simply can't believe his luck that a woman is throwing herself at him in his last days in a company. It will be so easy for him to fuck you and go.

[Valeria1977]

OP, whether you can see it or not right now, you are following a script. In years to come you will curl up with embarrassment at the memory of all this. It is not a pleasant feeling when the scales fall from your eyes too late and you see things for how they really were. It is an awful feeling to judge your own behaviour and find it so lacking.

It doesn't matter if you truly love him or not, with regard to how this will affect you long term. You will still feel sick when you remember things you did and said.

So if you can't stop this for your partner or for the thought of OM's wife, then stop it for your future self.

I had an EA and felt that I was in love. I was single, he was married. He didn't pretend that things were dull at home. He said he loved his wife and didn't understand why he had these other feelings.

I let the situation and my feelings go way too far. I didn't have the foresight to see that the pain caused would be so far reaching. I was caught up in my immediate feelings. I was weak. And all the drama meant I was feeling something - not just plodding along being a bit lonely.

After a few weeks of intense emotion, we went no contact. It was torment. And I had no one to blame but myself. But I was still in this bubble of drama and emotion. Then I had an email from his wife. She had known something wasn't right. She had found out about me. Her message was amazingly measured and dignified. She just wanted to make sure I would stay away. I promised her I would. After that it was easy to keep up the no contact. Once I had made the promise to her it was like an extra lock on the door if ever I felt weak.

I felt utterly ashamed. I still felt heartbroken. I felt unable to confide in my friends. There was no relief and it was all my own doing, which made it feel even worse.

I did a lot of reading on mumsnet. I read about the effect of affairs. I read about why people give themselves permission to have affairs. It helped.

Whenever I thought of him - and he still comes to mind now and then - I made myself think of how I felt when I read his wife's email, and how I would feel if I met her face to face. Small and stupid and ashamed.

This is a selfish thing you are doing, but I think you know that. Telling you to think of others isn't working. So think of how you will feel when it comes out and you have to explain to your partner or to OM's wife. Protect your future self from feeling sick to the stomach forever because of something you do now.

Only you can know the truth about your relation with your partner. But from the outside it sounds as if you don't love him and have no respect for him. Are you scared of being alone?

Come on, OP, what do you think is the right thing to do? What do your own morals and upbringing tell you?

[MrsBennetsEldest]

Haven't you heard of the expression ' Fools Paradise' OP? The emphasis is on the word FOOL. Which is what you are if you believe this MM and all the tosh he is spouting about his relationship with his wife and his homelife.
You're a fool if you believe you are anything more than an easy jump. The pair of you are not love sick as you pathetically put it but just sick. Selfish. You are blaming your partner for you actions. Take some responsibility FGS.
Fast forward a few weeks. He has moved on to pastures new and has shared details of your 'fun' with male colleagues. Word gets round about the person you really are. That will be a lovely ending to your fairy tale romance.

[Sensitivesituation2]

Valeria Thank you for taking the time to post this. I too am in the same situation, I am not single. I also have read all the other posts and your post has hit me hard. I am currently having an EA, I have seen the OM this morning. I know that it is wrong. OP I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. I didn't want or plan for this to happen, but it did.

I am already embarrassed at my behaviour Valeria. I know nothing will come of this, he will not leave his wife, nor will I leave my DH. It can only hurt everyone more and today it ends. I just want to talk to him all the time - why - because he boosts my self esteem and makes me feel great about myself.

OP I hope you do the right thing. I know you are not a bad person, neither am I.

[Cambridgechick]

My DH has had a series of emotional affairs. I think that people who have them must have something missing where empathy should be. I'm sure I'd love to have my ego massaged by some young, fit guy, but I would be constantly thinking of the pain I was causing and couldn't cross that line.

Thing is, if you end it he will move onto the next EA because its addictive for these men, just like my husband has done every time I've caught him out in one of these "friendships"

I suspect there's no point telling you anything because you are utterly self-centred. I pity your partner with all my heart.

[Valeria1977]

sensitivesituation2 I hope you find the strength to make today the last day this continues. As soon as you are able, delete email addresses, phone numbers, block Facebook etc. you may have them in your memory but that will fade in time. Bring your focus back to your dh, and decide if you want a future with him. Every day counts. Only one life, so live it in a way you can feel proud of.

[Valeria1977]

Can I also suggest that you stop yourself from thinking things like this:

I didn't want or plan for this to happen, but it did.

I said this to myself too. It's a way to sidestep a bit of the responsibility for what happened. It's not helpful to you. Unless you take responsibility for what happened, you can never work on yourself to make sure it won't happen again. The fact is, if you look back on it, you will be able to pick out the times when, if you had done something different, you wouldn't be where you are now. It didn't just happen. You (and I, and everyone in this position) allowed it and enabled it to happen. Just because it wasn't planned out, doesn't mean it 'just happened'.

[NanaNina]

Think OP you need to find someone else in whom you can confide about your EA with this work colleague as MNs are getting angry with you and I can understand why. I can also understand the thrill of the affair - it is intoxicating and flattering and makes us see the world in vibrant colours. I think while ever you are in the "first flush" as you are now, you won't heed any advice on here. I understand the need to talk to someone about the excitement in your life (it's half the fun) so maybe try to find someone who you can trust.

Just remember you may well get very hurt...........he will probably say he can't leave his wife because of the kids, but when they are grown he will do so...........yeah right.

[Cambridgechick]

Before I met DH I was in a 'relationship' with a work colleague who turned out to be engaged. I was infatuated with him, he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen and the physical attraction was electric. However I was one of a series of 'outside interests' and he made it clear to me that his fiancé came first. He convinced himself that he wasn't cheating if we didn't have penetrative sex; everything else was ok though. As soon as I found out about his long term GF I knew it was doomed; he was a highly-sexed man who liked to play the field. My experience with my DH leads me to believe that there are many men who will do this if they can get away with it because its fun and it boosts their ego. I do remember feeling very bad for his fiancé and I broke it off and moved onto someone else.

I think no one else has mentioned the most important thing here, though. If there are children involved, that changes everything. I'm a big girl now and if my DH eventually fucks off or I kick him out, I will get over it and may eventually find someone else. My children will never have another father, and the repercussions of his actions will leave a permanent scar in their lives. This is what I wrote to one of my DHs 'Facebook friends' and she dropped contact after that. It didn't stop him going on to have other EAs though.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Nobody has the right to tell anybody else where they should and shouldn't post. Yes, this is an emotive subject. During my break-up I would given it a wide swerve because it would have been too painful for me. My choice to read it or not.

There are some threads about horrible subjects here on relationships... does anybody go onto them and tell the poster not to post? No, they don't. Don't do it to this one either.

Nobody thinks that affairs are a good thing. I've never ONCE seen anybody say so, but to treat 'OW' as the scourge of the devil is ridiculous and unjust. My best friend, OW as she most definitely was, is a good and kind woman who made some bad choices. None of that detracts from the fact that she's a decent human being.

... and if you persist in your ridiculousness, better get the blood service to add an additional criteria - 'Have you EVER been an OW?' If yes, you can't donate...

I'm fed up of the silliness and spite on here, I really am. Take responsibility for your own feelings and experiences and perhaps have the sense NOT to open a thread about OW and affairs if you can't offer anything other than insults. It's time that MNHQ made a stand about it because NO other OP of any other topic would be pilloried like this.

[Fairenuff]

Nobody thinks that affairs are a good thing. I've never ONCE seen anybody say so

Actually, I have seen a few posts encouraging affairs. Mostly from posters who were already in the position of OW. But they are most definitely in the minority, thankfully.

[jojoanna]

Lying extremely good post

[Valeria1977]

I agree with what Lying says. NanaNina, don't you think it is worth trying to help the OP to see the situation she's in a bit more objectively? Yes, words on a screen might not make a difference to her, but equally they might. She has asked for help.

[elsabel]

Just found out my dp has been having an emotional affair with someone from work. I caught him out.

Where did it start? Apparently i didnt give him enough attention and he confided in the other woman.

Where did it go?
They started flirting, connecting and meeting up in secret. In the meantime he checked out of our relationship.

Where did it end?
With him leaving me and our 7 month old daughter. Its all my fault of course.

Realise the devastation it causes