Tell me about emotional affairs...

[Livingthedaydream]

Regular but NC'd.

Why do they start?
Where do they go?
How do they end?

My h started an emotional affair in early 2010 with a work colleague whilst I was heavily pregnant..
They started meeting up after dd was born for secret drinks and connecting at work, he checked out of our marraige yet denied an affair.
I finally walked out with the dcs in early 2012.
The result a 15 year marraige over, three devastated dcs and a divorce on the horizon.
He is now in full blown relationship with her..incidentally he is 46 but went against the stereotype if younger woman., I am 41, she nearly 60.
Hes a feckwit...

Well the OP seems to have disappeared which is why I posted that she needed to find someone else in whom she could confide. Yes her head may agree with all the posts pointing out the pitfalls of this sort of relationship and she may feel guilty, but her heart will win out I think because the excitement of an affair is incredibly powerful. I also think that affairs are far more common than most of us believe, given that 50% of marriages/partnerships break down.

OK they break down for all sorts of reasons and 2nd marriages/relationships break down quicker than 1st ones which isn't surprising because all of the emotional baggage that gets dragged into the new relationship, and the whole step parenting issue. I would guess that many of these marriages/partnerships break up because of affairs.

My own view for what it's worth is that marriage doesn't really work very well, especially for women (and this is reflected in the high numbers of women who petition for divorce) as opposed to male petitioners. Incidentally when the law changed to make divorce easier it was said that it would be a "Casanovas Charter" - but that's not the case, as it suits men to be married far more than it suits women.

Lying Agree 100%. I have commented on this post which I know has helped me, and who knows who else this has brought reality home too. This is an emotive topic, and just as there aren't as many posted by the OW for fear of flaming, doesn't mean its not happening.

Valeria OM is away for a week. As is my DH so I can sort my head out. Unfortunately is isn't as easy as deleting numbers, I see him every day. This is going to be tough but I know what I need to do. Only one life, so live it in a way you can feel proud of. This!

There's a really good book on EA by Dr Shirley Glass - it's called 'NOT just friends'. It contains some really interesting advice from a relationships counsellor.

A few things I remember:

• people who have EAs (some may progress to full-blown affairs) are generally NOT unhappy at home, rather they have the opportunity to connect with someone - often at work - and they become good friends first
• the intimacy builds largely because both may think 'I'm married/with someone else' and don't expect anything to develop
• often ppl still have good sex lives at home
• the EA provides all the excitement and intimacy of an affair and can be just as destructive.

I read the book because I was in an EA for two years with a guy 12 years older than me. He was married with two kids and I was single. We met at a university evening class. I think I was probably naive about what I was getting myself in to. He said later on that I was a distraction and helped get him through a tough part of his life.

I don't see him any more and I am gutted to think that my involvement with him, albeit non-physical/sexual, could have hurt his family life. If you are reading this and you're in a secret relationship with someone other than your partner then please read the book I mentioned at the start of the post - some great advice there, as well as on this thread.

I know that book is oft quoted as some sort of bible here, blueballet but I didn't find it very useful, it irritated me and didn't resonate at all. Even the quiz... my friend, who was in the depths of her affair, did the quiz and it told her that she was 'on the slippery slope'. She was so far on the slope that she was off the other end!

I'm glad that it helps some people, it really does depend on whether it strikes a chord for you but if it doesn't there are other resources that can help.

I bought that book for a pal who was going through this and we both thought it was excellent. I read about it here and looked it up. I wouldn't have thought it was comfortable reading for anyone who is having or has had an affair though.

Poster seems to have gone AWOL anyhow. I think some of them start threads at the weekend just to get their affair fix. As soon as they go back to work on Monday, everyone who bothered to post gets forgotten.

I don't think that,, Tonandfeather, not at all. People having affairs have nowhere to turn to vent, voice concerns, ask questions, etc. They post here and get flamed. Are you really surprised that some of them don't return to a thread they started?

I guess SOME get a bad reception, but those always seem to be the ones whose selfishness and self-absorption shines through in their words. I've seen others where the response is quite different. Don't agree that people having affairs have nowhere to turn to either. That might be true for some, but not all. Too sweeping a statement.

I stand by what I said. I think some post to get their fix, bleed others dry and then disappear when they are next able to get their bigger fix e.g. the lover.

If you're right that every time a person having an affair starts a post they get a hard time, what drives people (who must know that) to post then? A masochistic fix?

I really don't know why anybody posts anything, Tonandfeather but 'to bleed others dry'? How arrogant and self-absorbed that statement is. People aren't obliged to reply to any OP about anything. Some post to help, some post to pass the time. Anybody who feels 'bled dry' should give the boards a rest.

I don't like the slating and spite that's levelled at people who post for support. No other 'type' of OP would suffer that. OPs who happen to be having an affair are not 'punchbags' for general verbal abuse; that's what they often get and it's not ok.

OP did post that she had no-one to talk to in rl about this.

Yes, thats it, I cannot talk about it in real life and need to offload.
I know this is awful.

However, I don't think, on this thread there has been any flaming.

In fact I think posters have been remarkably restrained considering the insensitivity of some of the OPs posts.

She claims to be a regular and yet blithely posts in relationships about an affair.

Any regular will know that many people here have been on the other side of that situation and have been tremendously hurt by it.

Fairenuff... OP is NOT responsible for posters deciding to read and join in a thread. There are lots of awful subjects discussed in relationships board. If those are too difficult for somebody to read then it is their responsibility not to do that, nobody else's.

Of course, some people just love to come onto such threads and lash out or stir. Up to them I guess. Who knows anybody's motivation or doing anything?

You seem very invested in this LWITW?

Yes people can avoid certain posts, but have you forgotten that the poster started this disingenuously posing as someone who was just after a discussion about emotional affairs?

I opened it because some good friends have just been hurt by what the poster has been involved in and like I said, I bought one that book you disliked. It's not personally painful to me, but I hate what my friends have been through and thought it might be a good discussion about what I'd read recently.

I agree with Fairenuff that some of the posters posts were very insensitive and so it's kinda understandable if that irritates and produces a response in kind. You say people must take responsibility for what they engage with, but seem to be overlooking the responsibility of a poster to post sensitively about an issue that has hurt many. Why are you doing that? As far as I could tell, the poster was getting some good advice and quite a few nice kind folks were sharing their stories to help. The poster didn't even come back to say "thanks". Then you posted, lashing out at people for treating other women like the "scourge of the devil". Very strange.

Tonandfeather... I'm not personally invested in this at all, although you might have caught references to my friend who has been through hell - as the OW - and perhaps it tempers my responses.

The title of the thread was really clear, so people open and read at their own insistence. I'm gjad that book helped you, it didn't help my friend and when I read it, I didn't think it was very helpful, but everybody's different.

The OP was talking about her own circumstances, nobody else's. It's not an easy subject to discuss but it is the one that is most inflammatory and guarantee to cause name-calling. My 'lashing out' as you so inaccurately describe it, was my way of calling the pointed hypocrisy on this board towards OW who seem to be uniformly vilified. That's not acceptable; if a poster named-called any other OP on any other subject, they would be shouted down. Whether you agree with my post or not, it was certainly not 'lashing out' nor directed at anybody.

Many of the posts on this thread are quite helpful, even though they're sad to read - the other posts are a mix of spite and anger and general name-calling. Nobody is going to keep returning to a place where they are verbally abused and on that, I'm unclear why you think any OP on a chatboard should feel obliged to call back onto any thread to say, 'Thanks'.

Good manners to acknowledge people taking the time to share their stories, really.

Your post just seemed ill-timed to me, when the poster was getting good advice and others were sharing their own painful stories as the OW - and not getting any backlash, probably because they wrote sensitively.

The book didn't help me but it did help the friend I bought it for.

Personally I think if someone writes about something that's caused pain to others and they know that will be the case, whether it's drug-taking, alcoholism, drink driving, addiction, affairs...ANYTHING really, it's understandable if people post with emotion, especially if the poster is displaying little sensitivity in what she writes.

My post (the one you refer to) was in response to NanaNina and some of the ones before that one, not CambridgeChick's post or any of the other stories shared.

Emotion is fine, name-calling isn't and there is often an abundance of both. Posters who feel bullied won't likely return to a thread though, that's understandable.

There are lots of awful subjects discussed in relationships board. If those are too difficult for somebody to read then it is their responsibility not to do that, nobody else's.

Equally though, LWIW, you are responding to my post, in an effort to temper my response. You don't have to read my post, you don't have to comment on it, yet you feel compelled to.

That is the nature of discussion and that is why posters respond to the OP, be it positive or negative.

I have no problem with your posts Fairenuff, or anybody else's really. The only ones I object to are the unfair, name-calling ones. I don't mind that people have opinions, whatever they are, I certainly do.

Well have there been unfair, name-calling ones on this thread?

I am back now. I was busy at work and also cannot really go on MN when my partner is about.

So maybe my posts have been insensitive, too blunt. It's just how I write. I do not want to offend anybody but I cannot do anything if you are. If you don't want to read about emotional affairs or are just going to get angry reading this thread then I would suggest you do not come back to this thread.
Hearing anyone say it's gross, pathetic, making them feel ill - doesn't help.

I don't know why I started this thread. I guess i did just need to offload and yes, maybe it is true I wanted to see if any OW have been the ones the MM has ended up with.

Don't get me wrong, the MM I am having this EA with has said he isn't going to be leaving his wife, well, not anytime soon anyway. I am fine with that. I also do not intend on leaving my partner. I do love him but at this moment I just need a bit more love and attention and I am not getting it from him right now. I do honestly believe we will be ok in the future.
I also cannot break up with him as I cannot afford the rent on my own. Shit reason? Yes. But still a reason.

To whoever asked how do i know I am the only one MM is seeing? Simply... I don't. I am 99% sure he is not but even if he was it's nothing to do with me. I have not slept with him and do not see it as my business.

I would love for MM to be with me. I would love it if we were both single and could start a real relationship, but we can't right now so this is the best I have got.

It is easy to tell me to grow up, move on, stop contacting him etc but I just do not want to. I like him, we get on so well. It is like he is my soulmate. So why would I stop it?

What a ramble that was and I am now going to watch this thread through my hands over my eyes.

Thank you to Lying especially and the other women who have inputted from their EA experience.

Oh, I feel silly now. If I'd realised you were taking the piss all along, I wouldn't have bothered posting .......

I would love for MM to be with me. I would love it if we were both single and could start a real relationship, but we can't right now so this is the best I have got.

Why?

Seriously? You would love to have a man who you know already will lie and cheat? If that is all you think yourself worthy of, then it explains a lot.

You don't love your partner. You probably don't understand what it feels like to love someone. When you do you will get what I mean. You even say yourself that you are only with him because you can't afford your rent.

I'm sorry for you that you think so little of yourself but there isn't really anything else to say that hasn't been said already.

Deluded.

I think you have self esteem issues.

"I like him, we get on so well. It is like he is my soulmate. So why would I stop it?"

Because what your doing is incredibly selfish and hurting other, innocent people who have never done anything to you to deserve you fucking up their lives with gay abandon?

Is that not enough of a reason for you?

I think you have self importance issues.

I also do not intend on leaving my partner. I do love him but at this moment I just need a bit more love and attention and I am not getting it from him right now. I do honestly believe we will be ok in the future.

If that is what you genuinely want and believe, then you need to stop investing your time and emotion in another man.