Could really do with some advice from anyone who is a non resident parent

[BadBeckySharpe]

Having tried to stay together for the sake of our dd I've realised it just isn't possible. I'm trying to think through a plan for the best way to separate before raising it with dp. Theres noone in RL i can talk to about this so would really appreciate any thoughts from those who have gone through a separation.

Dp and i have a toddler dd. Both dp and I work full time and earn around the same. We own our house jointly though I own a greater share as I paid a large deposit (we have a written agreement to reflect this).

I think dp would want to continue living in the house from comments he has made in the past. I would be willing to move out and dp could buy out my share. He is as close to dd as I and is a great father so I have no reservations except that people will think I'm a lousy mother.

Whilst dp would be the resident parent I'd expect to continue to collect dd from nursery every day and help with bath/bedtime. I'd suggest we take a day each at the weekend but that dd would always sleep at the family house. I really think she is too young to keep swapping between homes. I also think this way she continues to have a quiet, familiar, spacious home with a garden rather than moving between two cramped, noisy flats.

My hope is that we can be amicable but I don't really know what sort of reaction I'll get from dp. Is there anything else i should be thinking of? I feel awful keeping this secret from dp and his family. I think having to lie to everyone over Xmas has made me realise I can't continue like this.

I'm not a non resident parent so hope you don't mind me posting.

One thing that I think you mind need to consider would be what would happen if your DP were to meet someone else and move them into the house. This may make it difficult for you to go into the house and help with bath/bedtime.

The reason I mentioned this is because my ex doesn't let me in his house when I collect the children if his current girlfriend (I say current as they change yearly!) is in the house.

Problem is OP you can't force your dp to accept your decision to split & go along with all your plans. I've never heard of a non resident parent doing the pick ups from nursery & daily bed/bath times & taking the weekend in the way you describe & this being a long term solution.

The weekend in particular may well be a sticking point, as your dp will have no 'nights off' with this plan whereas you get every night in the week 'off' so you can go & socialise/have a sex life while he cannot. He will probably not want you staying over at his house & looking after DD on a Saturday night while he socialises & its inhibiting any chance of a future romantic relationship for him if this is proposed. Which isn't fair.

If he takes the split badly he may not want you at his house daily to do the normal routines. You may no longer be welcome in his house once he has bought you out. If he takes the split very badly indeed & takes the route of being malicious or spiteful then he could refuse you access or try to make your contact be at a contact centre, supervised for an afternoon every 2 weeks. He may not want to be the resident parent at all. You may not have a key for his house.

I totally understand your trying to keep things for DD as stable as possible, but I don't think your plans are workable unless your dp is not going to get angry, resentful or hurt at the split, which is unlikely.

I'd suggest that you tell him without delay, then try to reach a solution that you're both happy with. If its amicable then it will make it all easier, but if its not he may just reject any proposal you make & access for you will end up being one weekend out of two, as it tends to be for the NR parent in my experience. Your main questions are; does he want to buy you out of the house & keep living there & does he want to be the resident parent. If either are no then your plans are stopped dead at this point.

I wish you luck, & remember to post again if you need any help :)

OP as the others have said you need to think very carefully about this decision. It would be lovely for your daughter to not have to move or leave her lovely home and still have both parents there for her.

However, that's whilst things are amicable. If you and ex fall out he can easily say he no longer wants you in his home. When he meets a new partner, however amicable things are, he's not going to want you in his house in the evenings, it just wouldn't work. What then? He might refuse to change things to allow you to have daily contact with your daughter. A routine and pattern of care would already be well established which is him as the resident parent and a settled happy daughter. So you'd have to apply to. Court. You may find a Court are unwilling to unsettle your daughter or make big changes to her life and you may get contact of only every other weekend with her. Meanwhile your daughter, ex and his new partner/wife live in your old family home and depending again on how he and her are it could be very hard to see your daughter resident in their home with them and you not able to see we very much at all.

Sounds doom and gloom but plenty of people have been there. Be very careful what you chose as it can be very hard to change once it's been in place for a while- Courts will always favour the status quo and are reluctant to change residency unless necessary.

Thanks for the posts, I really appreciate it, gives me lots to think about.
I guess I naively thought that as we're not at each others throats and there's no affair or anything then the split would be amicable.

It never occurred to me that dp wouldn't want me involved with dd as he'd struggle to manage his job and balance caring for dd without my support (he has no family nearby) so thought he'd want me picking dd up etc.

I guess I hoped that in a two or three years when dd was a bit older we could share residency. Dd took a long time to sleep through the night and is still a very light sleeper. I worry that we'll both end up in noisy flats so i can have shared residency and dd will pay the price. I was hoping her sleep would get better as she got older then it wouldn't matter if dd were in a flat. I also worry its too much change in one go, new homes, mum and dad splitting etc.

I don't want to prevent dp having another relationship at all and can see the practicalities could be difficult if I was still coming into the family home.

An even bigger issue is that dp would like to move closer to his extended family who live 200 miles away. It would be nigh impossible for me to get a job in that part of the country so at the moment I'm the barrier. His family adore dd and she adores them, she is so happy and relaxed there, partly because she sleeps so well as its so quiet. It's a beautiful part of the country and dp had an idyllic childhood and he wants the same for dd. I can feel he resents me for being the obstacle although he tries not to show it.

I feel torn in two between wanting dd near me but feeling guilty that I'm wrecking her childhood. Every time I think of the polluted, noisy, hectic, unfriendly environment I'm making her live in I wonder if I'm putting my needs before hers. I worry she'll resent me for it when she's older as will dp and his family. I just can't see a solution that's going to be right for all three of us.

OP. I am a little biased as we've had loads of problems with my DP's ex. They made short term arrangements which went on loner than planned, we tried to change it back but she refused and by the time we got to Court it had become the status quo. He never thought she'd be anything other than amicable and child focused but now she's a total notch and the kids suffer for it!

The fact that he would love to live near his family 200miles away is a big issue in my opinion. If you leave and become the non resident parent he has a good argument for moving away especially if he does it before your daughter starts school and it's to move closer to family. There's a good chance you'd get a Court to agree to not allow your daughter to move but there's a chance you wouldn't be able to stop him. Your daughter would be 200miles away!

Also, don't think because he works he "needs" you to do these things. My DP works full them, we have 50/50 residency of his two children and I am a stay at home mum to our children- including his two young children. Not that there's anything wrong with that, they are happy and treated the same as my own- but would you be happy for another woman to raise your daughter? My DP's ex absolutely hates it and it causes so many problems.

Just think everything through with the worst case scenario.

Go 50 50 then you can still do nursery and baths etc but you wont be in each others life.

Also think about financial things such as maintenance. Even in 50:50 shared residency maintenance is due as one parent is considered the resident and one person the non resident parent (by the CSA) and whoever holds the Child Benefit is entitled to claim maintenance from the other parent.

I'm a non resident parent with a 7 yr old dd and been separated from my ex for several years.

My situation was very similar to yours in fact - it was my choice to split, he had a super flexible job at the time and he stayed in the family home with dd. I wont lie, its been hard, but now that we're a few years down the road I don't regret my choice.

It takes a lot of strength for any parent (mother or father) to be separated from their child when it's not what they really want but is in the child's best interests. Whatever tou choose hopefully you can stay amicable after the split as it does make things a lot, lot easier.

Thx bumble bee. It's heartening to have a positive story.

I have no direct experience but on the issue of whether your DD would resent you later for not permitting the move 200miles away.... The answer surely has to be 'no'? Surely there's much more likelihood of her resenting you because she saw you relatively little in her childhood and you 'let' her go.

It sounds to me as if you are going to be giving a lot away - your home, resident care of your DD. Is this perhaps because you feel guilty about instigating the split?

Why are you prepared to move put of your lovely sounding home and be the non-resident parent? Is is guilt or is because your partner would make life difficult and refuse to move out? Cities may be smelly and noisy but they are also vibrant and full of things to do. You can't project your dd's feelings in the future; resentment that she didn't have a country childhood, boredom at growing up in countryside with nothing to do, or feelings of abandonment by mum, or gratitude that you selflessly gave her the opportunity to grow up in an idyllic place? It's difficult. Is there something else motivating you offering to move out of home and be non- resident parent?

I guess I do feel guilty for instigating the split. Dp has said before he would want to stay in the home if we split and as keeping things amicable is so important I'm trying to find solutions.
Also there are practicalities, dp works more flexible hours than i do, I'd be relying more on him/childcare to look after dd than he would. Also I don't drive which I know sounds like a silly thing but I've had sleepless nights when dp has been away worrying about what I'd do if dd fell ill.

It's more about moving near family than just moving to the countryside. Dp grew up in a close extended family and benefited from close relationships with grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins. I can't offer dd that. With me she'll face an assortment of childcare providers, particularly once she starts school. Instead of being picked up by her GM from school (as dp was) it will be an assortment of after school CMs. I know these sound like small things but they all add and will shape her childhood.

I might believe that being near me trumps everything else but whilst it might make me happy it might not be best for dd. And it's not as though I'm even able to be with her all the time, I rely on full time nursery.

I've been thinking about this for a long time and its why I've stayed with dp so far. I don't think he will want to split, he's a kind person and we've managed to stay together without arguing lots, although we do live separate lives in many ways and we aren't a couple.

I think that for most children having their parent around does trump everything else. She can spends holidays with grandparents enjoying the scenery, but nothing would help her get over the loss if a parent.

Also, it sounds like you are tying yourself in knots to make everyone happy and the solution seems unworkable. You have to face up to having a shitty time ahead to go through this split. If you have a greater stake in the house your dp will just have to suck it up and move out.

Most child support is worked ou on how many nights the child is with each parent so your plan leaves you paying out but looking after your child and with no security for the future when your dp could just move 200 miles.

I think you need to just come up with what works best for you and your do will have to do te same then negotiations can start. It will cause arguments and be unpleasant but you have to accept that as part if the process.

How would you feel if your dp moved away with dd once you split? Practically, would you be able to travel to see her if she was nearer to his family? Or move closer yourself?

I spend most of my time 200 miles away from my dd as the area she lives in has no jobs in my field. I'm lucky in that I can afford to have a flat near to her as well as where I work so I do the travelling every other weekend rather than with her. It is tough at times esp when getting up at 3am to travel across the country. Not something I enjoy but ultimately I am doing it for dd's sake.

Only you can decide if you could cope with being apart from dd if they did move away. As other posters have said, if you went to court further along the road (as I have) you may find that they will keep the status quo (or as close to as possible) rather than splitting 50/50. You can however ask a court to prevent the move, but it would be up to them to decide what's in your dd's best interests.

If you have a greater stake in the house your dp will just have to suck it up and move out.

Unfortunately, it doesn't actually work like that

I really can't understand why you are writing yourself out the picture in this way. There are compromises to be had, certainly, but for you to turn yourself into an EOW parent 200 miles away, does not seem to be the best solution for your daughter, however kind your H is.
Would you not consider 50-50 split and get a rental flat near the family home?

I think you are putting yourself down a bit here. At the moment DD is a toddler. A couple of years goes very quick, then she be at school and the guilt of working FT will lessen. Yes she may have to go to after school club but my DS does and he really likes it. Will she really see lots of her cousins if she moves away? People all have their own lives; they obviously make the effort to see you all when you visit but kids grow up very fast and bigger cousins may prefer to see friends than little cousins etc. I loved growing up in London and felt sorry for country folks(although I suppose a pony might have swung it lol). I think what others said about if your ex meets someone it won't be so easy for you to pop over all the time either. Please value yourself as a mum and put you and DD genuinely first not other people. Sorry for long reply.
Not driving doesn't matter.. You can get a taxi in any emergency. Because it's your idea to split I don't think should matter either. It doesn't mean you gave to be separated from DD and live in tiny flat. Maybe as you both still get on you should try counselling? Can't remember if you said you already have?

Yes if it's an amicable relationship try counselling or mediation. If it is only amicable because you are treading on eggshells to keep him happy then that is a reason to want out and you shouldn't feel guilty in any way. And maybe it sounds mean but without your large deposit you wouldn't have your nice spacious house so I would really try to hold onto house and not give it away!

I think you need to talk to your dp. these are decisions that are surely best made together not just by one parent? you seem to be trying to get everything all sorted out before anything even happens? surely if he is a nice man as you say he deserves to be part of this process and your dd deserves that too?

I'm not meaning to be harsh just shocked about the plans and scenarios you are going through without having said anything. my h and I separated before Christmas and while it was on the cards and I had thought finances and things we sat together to discuss dcs and what would be best once we had decided to separate.

I think it sounds like a lovely idea to keep your dd in family home but what would she think about mummy leaving every night at bedtime if you were to do that? also my ex and I started with him being in my home a lot doing school runs etc as he too did a lot of that, as I had just returned to ft work. but this was just to start with for dcs. I couldn't have done it for longer than the 7 weeks we did it for as I didn't like leaving him in my home and him letting himself in etc, despite it all being amicable enough, he had chosen to break up the family and I resented him for that. he does still do a lot of school pick ups but then keeps them at his new house for tea and they have also started to stay over, which in time, will happen more often.

I think in nicest way you have to remember what was the family home becomes your dp's family home and not yours.

I think all your thoughts are very bravely in best interests of your dd and you can only be commended for putting her needs before yours. I cant imagine being that far away from my DDS.

please talk to him. maybe 50/50 can be sorted. wishing you good luck.

You sound really anxious.

Two bits of advice:

1.learn to drive

1. If you own the bigger share in the house, can you buy him out? Why is he so committed to staying in the house? Why are you letting him? He's not putting himself out as much as you are for your dd's happiness, is he, OP?

Basically, get as much as you can for you and your dd- and do NOT give up residency. You sound like the much more committed and involved parent.

What you're proposing is, you do all the care and but she continues to officially have residency with ex- you're shooting yourself in the foot there.

thinking about it done more, just because its you instigating the break up it doesn't make you the baddy if you like re dd. you sound very much like she is in forefront of your mind. dont feel you should have to not have 50/50 or be resident . you are as equally entitled as he is. please talk to him. it might help things fall into place. mediation is there if you need it too regarding all if your concerns. dont take everything on your shoulders. its so hard to do that. share the load.

Agree with those who say it would be a mistake to be NRP. I split up from my ex when DD was a toddler. We are very amicable, and have remained living near each other. Residency is about 65:35 in my favour. DD has coped brilliantly with having two homes.

To be honest I think the key to our amicability is that we both have our own lives and have moved on. XP has very nice new partner, who is a big part of DD's life. We needed our own space, and to do our own thing with DD.

Please don't write yourself out of your DD's life. Having her mum as a key figure in her life is 1000x more important than a country childhood, or even cousins and grandparents (lovely as they are).

Your partner has said that he would like to stay in the house if he split. Of course he would! Wouldn't you like the same, in an ideal world? Why does his wishes over-ride yours?

I would be very careful about enabling a situation whereby your daughter and partner move away, out of some misplaced sense of self sacrifice, because you feel guilty about instigating the split.

It's possible that your daughter may interpret it as abandonment when she's older, no matter how much you try to convince her that you believed it was for her own good. She may just feel that if you had really wanted to be with her, you would have made it work wherever you were. These kinds of reactions are not rational, they come from a deep emotional response, of child needing its mother and her not being there.

The country is all very well, there are many pluses, but there are minuses too in that it looks pretty and is very clean, but can be dull if you're stuck there for long periods. Personally, I think it's more important that your daughter has a mother on site to talk her through periods, bra buying, skincare, depilation, other girls, boys, first sexual experiences etc, than the benefit of looking at fields full of sheep.

Thx all for the posts, its given me lots to think about, I'm not going to make any rash decisions and i need to have a talk with dp before I can decide anything.

It's a tough one as dp is a good dad (he's certainly no less involved than me) and fundamentally a decent person. I'm struggling with acknowledging I don't love him anymore as it isn't because of anything specific he's done. He's really not at fault and I think he will be very hurt and I do feel guilty about that.

Shared residency is something I need to work towards. I'm not going to fight for the house though if he really wants it. I want to start off on a good footing. I'm in a better financial position to bear the costs of buying another home and it won't be in dd's interests for dp to get into financial difficulty.

We co parent well and I just hope we can keep doing it even if we don't live together.