Could really do with some advice from anyone who is a non resident parent

[BadBeckySharpe]

Having tried to stay together for the sake of our dd I've realised it just isn't possible. I'm trying to think through a plan for the best way to separate before raising it with dp. Theres noone in RL i can talk to about this so would really appreciate any thoughts from those who have gone through a separation.

Dp and i have a toddler dd. Both dp and I work full time and earn around the same. We own our house jointly though I own a greater share as I paid a large deposit (we have a written agreement to reflect this).

I think dp would want to continue living in the house from comments he has made in the past. I would be willing to move out and dp could buy out my share. He is as close to dd as I and is a great father so I have no reservations except that people will think I'm a lousy mother.

Whilst dp would be the resident parent I'd expect to continue to collect dd from nursery every day and help with bath/bedtime. I'd suggest we take a day each at the weekend but that dd would always sleep at the family house. I really think she is too young to keep swapping between homes. I also think this way she continues to have a quiet, familiar, spacious home with a garden rather than moving between two cramped, noisy flats.

My hope is that we can be amicable but I don't really know what sort of reaction I'll get from dp. Is there anything else i should be thinking of? I feel awful keeping this secret from dp and his family. I think having to lie to everyone over Xmas has made me realise I can't continue like this.

I really don't think you should give up residency OP.

After school club or a CM (one not loads) will not hurt your child I promise. Also that's the future and yes while you need to think about it you also need to deal with the present.

You sound very anxious OP please don't give up your daughter over fears. I have 2 dc and have never drove. If the worst came to the worst I would ring an ambulance or take a taxi.

And also who says your soon to be ex will be happy giving you free range over the house which won't be yours anymore?

Your putting a lot of trust in him...

And dc do sleep in flats,

I agree that the Op is putting a lot of trust in her DP? The most likely scenario is that he will move in a new gf. Which will make contact at 'home' very difficult.

?

Queeniethecorgi

Why is he so committed to staying in the house?

Good grief, I really do despair at some people on MN

Perhaps because he likes being in the family home with his own daughter? I really don't get why some posters on here are so anti-men.

Why are you letting him?

This is, perhaps, a more pertinent question. Although it is definitely not a case of ''letting'' him as Queenie suggests.

The only way he can be forced to leave is with a court order. In the same way that it is in your best interests to stay in the house until it gets to court it is also in his best interests as well for him to stay in the house until this goes to court.

I would suggest that you might soon regret moving out and leaving dd behind.

I'm in a better financial position to bear the costs of buying another home and it won't be in dd's interests for dp to get into financial difficulty

The court will take this into consideration if you cannot agree on what to do. Also, in this case you may also be expected by the court to pay him maintenance if you cannot come to some agreement yourself without involving the court.

However, if you do move out before any agreement - or if no agreement then before it goes to court - then you are putting yourself at a disadvantage.

Slightly different PoV. My DM split with my DF when I was little. She had contact with us EoW at her house.

They have an incredibly amicable relationship, we all have Christmas dinner together for example (including their respective partners).

DMs reasoning for being nonresident included feeling we'd be better off with my DF due to her emotional state at the time they split and guilt because she was choosing to leave DF and didn't want to hurt him further by taking his DCs too.

I have a good relationship with both of my parents and I love them very much but honestly there's still (20+ years later) part of me that feels my DM abandoned me / didn't want me / thought her life would be easier without us around etc.

I think part of that is because it was (is?) unusual for a mother to be the nonresident parent so it felt like there must have been some issue with us - that if it was just about them splitting then she'd have taken us or at least fought over custody. Logically as a grown up I know it should make no difference that it was DM that left rather than DF but as a child it did.

I'm not saying don't let your ex have residency, my DF did an excellent job I think, just a warning that it can add an extra dimension in a child's mind. If it was possible I would be aiming for 50/50ish shared care. Having 2 homes would be much better than 1 home and one place you go stay sometimes.

I rarely post OP but occasionally I am moved to - and this is one such occasion.

What comes across, unintentionally or not, is that you seem to undervalue your role in your DD life. I know dads can and are equally good parents to their children (and sometimes better) and that FT jobs compromise the time for children and the country life can be a wonderful thing blah blah blah.
But, you are her MUM and I know that, as a parent, I would rather compromise all those external things to be there (at least half of the week and ideally as the resident parent) to comfort the child when they are scared in the night, or become unwell, or are frightened or worried or all the other million times when you want your mummy's arms around you.

I think you are thinking of the logical, practical aspects of yours and your child's life and perhaps not placing enough emphasis on the bit that has the biggest impact on whether you and she are happy. That is, that you have as much opportunity to be together through the boring, routine, but essential parts of being a family, as you possibly can.

I would urge you not to get too caught up in the other stuff at this stage and think about how it will really feel for your DD to not have you around that much, because I think that will be the reality if you are the NRP.

Nickymanchester- I'm wondering why OP's DH isn't tying himself in knots trying to find ways for his dd to stay in her family home, with or without him, like the OP is. Why he's putting his wishes first, and not thinking about what's best for dd.

Queenie probably because the OP hasn't told him yet that it's over.

OP- I would not plan on dh taking it well when you tell him. Being dumped can make the most rational people behave out of character and IME men particularly find it difficult to accept.

Do you really want to be 200 miles away when your dd starts school and you are not in a position to attend the majority of events? Even if you don't see it as a problem your dd will be very conscious of your absence especially as it is still mainly mums attending.

Queenie probably because the OP hasn't told him yet that it's over.

OP- I would not plan on dh taking it well when you tell him. Being dumped can make the most rational people behave out of character and IME men particularly find it difficult to accept.

Do you really want to be 200 miles away when your dd starts school and you are not in a position to attend the majority of events? Even if you don't see it as a problem your dd will be very conscious of your absence especially as it is still mainly mums attending.

I am wondering if you're apprehensive of dealing with your DP over this for whatever reason, is there more to it? Is he a difficult man to deal with? And that you're looking for the best possible outcome for HIM so he won't be so angry perhaps?

No way is this scenario right for your dd or for you. And yes you do matter in this even if it is your decision to leave the relationship, I hope you're not punishing yourself for that.

Thanks all. There really isn't any hidden issue with DP around this, I know a lot of posts on MN are about awful, selfish, abusive partners but DP really isn't like that.

I guess I don't feel I have any more right to stay in the current home than dp. He has just as much right as I do to stay in the home (I don't see the fact that I paid the deposit as relevant to be honest, it would seem petty to me to bring that up with dp). I'm not emotionally attached to the house but I think dp is (it was the first home we bought together, he's done work himself on it etc).

More and more I'm thinking shared care might be the way forward. I think I could just about buy another home that would be suitable for dd (safe, near nursery/transport, outside space etc) if dp bought me out. I might have to let him pay in instalments though and use my savings in the interim. We could then perhaps have dd half the week each and hopefully she will be ok. I'm prepared that she might hate staying in her new home with me at first and if we need to build up the days slowly then so be it.

I don't think I could agree to let dd live 200 miles away. I do think I'll have to be flexible though about letting her spend chunks of time there sometimes, it just isn't reaonable to expect dd to travel all that way over a weekend. Ultimately I want dd to be happy and once she is old enough to express what she prefers I intend to listen carefully to her.

I'm very practical in nature so I'll certainly ensure dp and I enter into a written agreement, preferable before I agree to move out. I do want us to try to stay amicable though, I don't want to fight for things for the sake of it, it isn't a battle and I don't feel I have any greater right to dd than dp.

OP please feel free to PM me, as I said before I'm in the position you are considering and if I can provide any help or advice I will. No one can really say whats best as we aren't in your shoes and it is a very very difficult decision. I wish you the best.

X-posted there with you OP. Sounds like a good plan and one that will hopefully be the best for you all. I completely agree with the statement about you not having more claim to dd than your dp does. I felt completely the same but sadly I know not everyone feels that way when the time comes to separate. Good luck

Unfortunately I think you would struggle to prevent the move if your soon to be ex was determined to do it, in all the upheaval of a split your DD would have close family near by to help care for her. My brother was in this situation and his solicitor advised him that he didn't have a leg to stand on - he was choosing to leave and leaving his wife and child in an area where they had no family whereas his child was not yet in school and his wife wanted to move to live near her parents. He didn't agree and got a new solicitor, spent a lot of money and took it to court and lost.

Agree, Stripypenguin, that's why I would get advice and try not to give up residency status.

After, my ex and I split, he became involved with quite a ...difficult woman (fortunately for just a short time). It can happen. Then where will you be?

You are thinking hard about protecting your DD and your H. You need to protect yourself too.

OP to me you sound very sad and unhappy and underestimating your importance in your DD's life. Or at least you did at the beginning of the thread. I'm glad you're moving towards the 50:50 arrangement in your mind. I don't think your DD is going to care that much what kind of flat you're in - she's going to want to be with you, her mum. And as she gets older she is going to want and need you more and more. Is someone suggesting to you that you are a less than adequate mother because you work and because you don't live in the so called idyllic countryside? I may be reading this wrong but it seems to be that someone or some people (in laws?) are eroding your confidence in yourself. Grandparents, cousins and countryside are no replacement for a mother, none, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Is there any way of working on your marriage ? I found the first years of parenthood an enormous strain on our marriage and Christmas is especially difficult when trying to reconcile your new own nuclear family with your 'old' families.

Thanks all, really appreciate all the advice on offer, its helping me think things through.

Maybe I do feel less than a great mother, I had never wanted children but dp did, so in some ways I feel I agreed for him. I love dd and would do anything to protect and comfort her, I try really hard to be a good mother but I don't have a good relationship with my parents and I worry I'll end up making their mistakes.

Mystery: your right that we've found parenthood a strain on our relationship. A combination of dd's poor sleeping and my need to just have space to myself after a 15 hour day means we've slept in separate rooms for over a year. We've tried to book a babysitter and go out in the evening but we found ourselves sitting yawning in a pub thinking about the early start with dd and wondering if it was too early to go home and relieve the babysitter. If we had family nearby to help maybe it would have been different.
Some couples seem not to need time alone together but I think we're just not like that.

I've thought about couples counselling but so far I've struggled to find anyone nearby that would offer a late evening appointment (the earliest we could make it would be 8.30pm). I'm going to keep looking, I think dp would be willing to go.

Dp's family are lovely and really not to blame in any way. They would be devastated if dp and I split. Which just adds to the guilt.

Lots to think about, thanks everyone for taking the time to post.

You sound utterly exhausted and it's no wonder you have no time for your relationship. Things will get easier though as your daughter gets older and starts to sleep better. The early years with children are very tough especially if you are also working full time.

DP sounds like he wants to make it work - it would be great if you could find counselling to go to together. Or even just for yourself. You seem very self aware - I doubt you will make the same mistakes as your parents.

Good that DPs family are lovely. Sorry, I was on the track there. I think you need more than the odd night out to 'find each other again'. Maybe you could leave DD with DP's family for a weekend and go and stay somewhere close by (but far away enough!) so that you could get some proper rest and spend some time together?
Wishing you all the best.

the WRONG track

Mystery: we did plan to go away for a weekend a few months ago, dp’s parents were to look after dd alone for the first time. A couple of months before we were due to go dp’s father fell ill unexpectedly and died shortly after. It was a truly awful loss for dp and his family, dp’s father was a lovely man and adored dd. Our priority since has been looking after dp’s mum rather than focusing on our relationship. Needless to say we wouldn’t expect dp’s mum to babysit anytime in the near future in the circumstances.
Originally I’d planned to try to talk to dp about things on our planned weekend but it’s all fallen by the wayside understandably. I guess dp’s loss is also one of the reasons I feel so guilty about saying anything.

Dp and I do try to give each other a break by looking after dd and letting the other go out and have a lie in in the morning but we’re just not getting the time away together. We’ve spent birthdays apart, gone to weddings alone. I didn’t even go to dp’s fathers memorial service. It’s hard not to drift apart in the circumstances, you start to feel you’re not a part of each others’ lives beyond co-parenting.
Hats off to couples who manage to stay happy together, I seem to be surrounded by couples who are!

Anyway am going to stop rambling and treating MN as counselling. I feel more positive than I did when I first posted and that’s the important thing.
Thanks all, much appreciated.

Why didn't you go to DP's father's funeral?

There doesn't sound like there's much wrong with your relationship. No abuse, infedelity, lying....?

I honestly think you're totally exhausted and have come up with this plan to- unconsciously- give yourself an opportunity to get some time off and rest...not that you would ever admit that to yourself and it doesn't make you a bad person, but I would make getting some sleep and time to yourself a priority before making any long term decisions about your family's future.

Sounds like you have both been through a very very difficult time recently. I would give yourselves some more time before making any decisions about your relationship

Also think you might be able to save your marriage... I know finding time for counselling / time away together is really hard, but it's easier than divorce!
It's got to be worth negotiating an earlier finish one night a week at work for a while, and getting a baby sitter? (ask at nursery - I had no worries leaving my daughter with a key worker she knew well!)
Or just taking some holiday - both of you - to spend done together, whilst your daughter is in nursery.
All of that isn't easy, but it IS easier than divorce. Be sure you want to divorce first.
I'll post my experience of shared care / homes separately.