Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

to all on the new thread. I've been lying low with early nights the answer.

Clouddancer yes yes, I love what you said. I can believe it on a good day. But somehow on a bad day there is a parasite in my brain that has me believing I've broken up a family.

I have a range of alter egos which help when I'm doing these difficult things. When I couldn't see the way forward at all, I was Ellen MacArther sailing singlehanded round the world and out of sight of landfall or any landmarks. . Now, doing these difficult things, - about to go non contact with my FW mother and stepfather too, I am an emergency paramedic, doing battlefield triage to get all the wounded that I can out of this emergency in as best shape as possible. It ain't nice, it ain't pretty, bystanders can be standing by gobsmacked thinking what on earth is she doing, - and with what I'm doing there ain't time or energy for being nicey nicey to those who don't shape up, or who are standing in the way. We are so brought up to be and do nicey nicey, but it ain't appropriate for emergency situations.

I keep saying to myself, I am the only person the DCs can rely on. So it so matters I don't waste my energy on miscellaneous FWs who suck my strength and focus. I need to be solid.

I have just been sorting through finances and setting up direct debits. Am aware now I am more away from FW's FWittery, so much of the rest of life is more straightforward. When I was dealing full time with his mindgames I would never be up at 8 on a Sunday sorting out the gasbill, my priority, it would have to be squeezed in a gap at a time of his choosing. Again not my preference, but I so love this feeling of being on more solid ground - even if there isn't the money there.

What I find so difficult is that I feel what I am doing with FW and my abusive family is right. But I know all those around me are saying what IS she doing. Maybe I've been faking it for so long no one wants to believe the truth.

FairyFi option 5 is SOOO clever. I think I would fluff my lines or fall over the coffee table or do something to mess it up. But in a smoother future I'd love to be that woman.

good analogies there red it makes a lot of sense that way.

but what really stuck a chord with me, 'faking it for so long'

good to be noticing and enjoying the differences huh?

x-post red - it wasn't ME being clever, it was a realisation of how things had been working, and why things had worked for me, after the event.

I have just told him I have had enough. he is now claiming it's all my fault.

Sorry to drip drip drip, how did your kids react when you told them.

Totally relate to what you've put Red.

Daisee the initial telling was a massive shock for my kids. They cried. But later on that day, huddled under a duvet together, DS, 11, who isn't emotionally mature at all, but had seen lots in the last year as around more, came out with some really wise things. DD, 14, usually wiser, who'd been away for the last year, found it more of a shock because she hadn't seen how bad it had got.

I'd suggest get some comfort dvds in, hot chocolate, warm duvets, some comfort food. Cancel anything stressful elsewhere. Consider pulling a sickie and having a duvet day or three. Its like a bereavement, the outside world can wait.

I think it helps to think concretely what might change for the kids and what not and get the story as straight as possible first. e.g and we will be staying here till the summer, so you will still have your bedroom, but then things might change, but I will let you know as soon as things are clear. For ours absolutely everything changed (schools, countries, friends), so there was a great deal for them to absorb, a tidal wave, and I think it matters to get your comfort where you can.

But sometimes, we just need to tell the truth, bleak though it is. I have lots of friends who avoid telling bad news and avoid you when you are going through bad times. I am so clear this isn't a good way to be! There is a clarity which comes from telling the truth, painful though it is. Good luck, am thinking of you.

I love your alter egos red.

daisee as it all happened on front of the dcs they didn't need to be told as such.
But I did reiterate several times I love you. daddy loves you. and when they asked if it was because he pushed you over (I thought hopedthey had forgotten ) and called you names? I said yes but you need to know that if you shout or call me names or misbehave I will NEVER ask you to leave because you are my children forever and your home is with me for as long as you need it.
Dc2 was having behavioural issues at the time (no surprise under the circs) so I needed her to know her place in my home is safe no matter what.
And I also on the advice of another wise MNer said OK no we are a team. us together. we can do this as a team. they seemed pleased to be part of it.

I also said they will see him.

thanks both, ds1 has obviously got a sense of what's occurring. fw hasn't. quelle surprise.

red, it is amazing, people were still saying leave the door open, regarding my mother, even when she was clearly, so clearly even I could see it, abusive to me as an adult, never mind how I grew up. There is such a strong investment socially in motherhood, it is seen as beyond the pale to sever that tie. My mother is worse than FW, I think, the only thing I have got going for me is that I was neglected as a child, and abandoned as an adult, in other words, she cut off any and all support (and did some bizarre things which would out me if I put them), so actually, her mission in life is to prove she does not care for me, which now mostly means leaving me alone. And I realised, if I actually ask her to do something, like visit gdc, she will stay even further away.

FW, on the other hand, I realised today, he is still trying to get back in the door and using dc to do so. Seriously?? Planet delusional.

Yes, yes, to having time to do stuff which matters to you. I am just working on unparalysing my brain enough to actually do it.

Cloud, I am so sorry xx Sometimes your brain feels like its made of noodles (mine does anyway ).

hi
I was told about this thread on the thread I made 5weeks and 2days ago (cant believe ive been out for tgat long, it seems much longer)

Hi toffee your name sounds familiar. Do you feel able to remind me of your story.

Hi toffee lovely to see you. welcome to the thread hope you and the dcs are well. 5 weeks already. time flies. I hope you are feeling more relaxed as time passes.

Hi toffee. Is that a good thing, that it feels longer? I know I quickly felt like a different person - or rather, returning to the person I used to be - once I was out. I was taken aback by how quickly I felt the change.

hi toffee xx

cloud hoping it all starts coming clearer soon. Glad you have found some strategies for keeping your m at a distance.

I have been having weird memories surfacing. one which hit me really suddenly was that years ago a previous (lovely) ex's uncle threw me across the room (i had taken the banter a bit far) i ran out of the house into a taxi accidentally breaking a vase in my hurry to get out. he pulled me out of the taxi and dragged me back to the house on my back.

And my ex just stood there looking appalled and did nothing. But did not speak to him again after for a very long time.

What struck me about this was - how odd that I had just forgotten that and that thinking back at the time I wasn't that shocked. why not?? He was a virtual stranger. I must have had a really weird attitude to violence.

And that the fact that ex did not hit him made me love him all the more.
I know there is a theory that some survivors go to men who think will protect them. FW would probably have taken someone apart for less but I would pick someone who looked appalled and still could not raise a hand any day. i don't want someone to protect me I want someone who understands how appalling FWs are.

Aaaah that is a lovely man. I wish they wore badges or.possibly badgers .

Hi everyone. Melancholy remembering it's a year almost to the day that I properly split with FW. Looked at another forum I was posting on at the time, and reminded me of all the screaming, intimidation and smashing things that went on that night. And I never called the police. Oh how far I've come. I can still feel that panicky feeling in my chest reading it back, trying my best not to react, to do / say whatever was needed to calm him down before he woke DD. He finally moved out in May, I cannot describe how glad I am that I will never again have to endure his rants.

He finally moved out in May. For me it was a case of speaking to him just as if he was a 'normal person', rather than pandering to his moods and whims. This of course wound him up so I could almost see steam coming out of his ears. I told him if he ever kicked off again I would call the police, and when he did, I called 999. He was removed from the house and I have had peace ever since.

Things are (of course) not over, once a FW always a FW. But I'm a totally different person now extracted from his influence. Project for 2014 - get finances sorted, and help DD cope with having a FW for a Dad.

No idea what my point is. Just wanted to get that out.

Thanks for posting, their was a point and you've made me cheerier

mink, I think I just looked to any relationship for love, it is why I ended up in a series of (diversly) abusive ones. But I had no idea what love was. The story about the exes uncle is awful, how dare he treat you like that. Ask you to stop, maybe, or leave, but physical assualt?

Protection can take many forms, understanding and helping with barriers/boundaries, practising respect and healthy relationships would be one.

daisee, thank you, how are you doing? I think it is good that you made the call to get support with how you feel about work. Also, I think you told your partner the r/s was not working for you, if I read things correctly, am tired so maybe did not. Strength and courage to you.

toffee, not aware of your back story, but sounds like you have done an important and necessary thing.

noregrets, you also did an important and necessary thing. Good that you are recovering and finding yourself.

for everyone else.

mink, sorry, on clarity, it ebbs and flows, it is getting better, but there are times when I am exhausted with it all. The emotional manipulation, and the chip, chip, chip through dc works. He knows what he is doing.

He knows what he is doing.

Yes they do don't they the nasty fuckers.