Shaking and feel sick

[PurplePest]

Hello,

Apologies if this is rambling or all over the place but that's exactly what my head's like at the moment.

I don't post often at all but I'm a super regular lurker and find Mumsnet fab and full of great advice and info.

I am 38 and have a DD aged 5yo. We live with my 'partner' who is DD's Daddy. We've had a colourful past (but nothing hugely out of the ordinary) and broke up in 2007 (then I found out I was pregnant). DD and I stayed in the house until April 2009 and then moved out until Summer 2011. We - Mummy and daddy - seemed to getting along just fine. The reason for this split was a mixture of several things but instigated by my 'D'P. He said I didn't support him enough primarily. His Mum has vascular dementia and 'we' were the main carers. He also has two DS's from previous relationships so we were either looking after Mum or Ds's! But I feel I played my role very well and tried to be a good SM and almost-DIL.

Conversations, instigated by P whenever we were together, centred around getting back together, getting married, having more kids, being a family. Eventually, I bit the bullet and went back. Things on the whole have been good. We've lost three babies (February 2012 @ 14 weeks, February 2013 @16 weeks and July 2013 @9 weeks) and have supported one another well. I had a down period where it all got to me throughout October and November 2013 but came through it.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

For about 18 months I felt happy and didn't feel the need to snoop.

Moving forward to October 2013 - I needed to check my mobile phone charges as there were extra charges on the bill. Whilst looking innocently at the data, I noticed calls to a new number early in the morning, every morning, whilst he was on his way to work. And on his way back home. And whenever I wasn't at home / away for the weekend or overnight. Three calls to this number that totalled about 3 hours and the calls were made in the middle of the night. I was away.

I didn't say anything as didn't have the energy and wanted to see how things panned out.

'D'P is always a good, fun Daddy, found a decent paying job (was unemployed after redundancy for 18 months) and was loving towards me.

But - I've had this niggling feeling ever since and feel like I can't trust him. Still. So yesterday evening, he went to the gym after closing down his Yahoo page. When he left I went to see if there was a slim chance he'd not logged out. He hadn't. Emails to about three different women completely overstepping boundaries. Let's meet up for drinks, miss you, compliments, flirting, mildly sexual at times.

But the icing on the cake for me? I took in a 'friend' and her DS (friends with my DD and same age as her) who had split from her boyfriend and was in a dark place. Depressed and anxious and on a cocktail of AD's. 'We' helped her through it all. She ended up staying a year in total (August 2012 until August 2013). I had issues with 'D'P' and her being too close for my liking. On one hand he would tell me how terrible she was, bad mother, neglectful, irresponsible etc. But on the other hand they spent lots of time together whilst I was away. Away being for work or visiting friends or my Mum which I do often with my DD. He used to make me out to be nuts and losing the plot in terms of how I felt about their 'friendship'. I left it at that as there was too much going on in my head re my baby losses.

Emails between 'D'P and this bint - the one I took in, supported, sat with, talked with, shared my home with - catching up with one another. But snippets of the emails (all directed by him / instigated by him) were: miss you, when are you in London next (she moved to Czech after an ugly court case which I accompanied her to!) as I would like to see you, when have you got time for me?, have you got space in your heart / head for missing me?, we lived under the same roof for a year and I grew close to you mentally and physically and talking about me too and how I was being at that particular time.
I have changed his password and have added his email account to my iphone so can access today and until he can change it. Have forwarded incriminating emails to my work email so I have them Have also made a note of any suspect email addresses..

I have taken my laptop and some clothes for me and DD and am heading over to my Mums after school pick up. I can't bear to see him. It was hard enough being 'normal' last night as didn't want it all disclosed then whilst DD was in the house. I'm back on Sunday evening. I have put a friend on standby to have DD should I decide to talk to him.

He doesn't know I know yet but I am going to send him a text later saying that I know about his shennanigans but need time and space to digest. I am also going to ask him to stay with a friend for the week next week although I'm pretty sure he won't.

The house is in both our names. We're not married but he keeps talking about how he wants to be married. We've been engaged since 2005!!! Obviously we had a break.

I am going to email the 'frienemy' to tell her I know. I know it's not sensible but I want her to know I know.

I have spoken with two RL friends. Was helpful but my head is in a spin! I don't want to tell my Mum yet and am scared about what the future holds. My DD is sooooooooooooooo happy with us both and I'm panicking at the thought of changing her life.

I'm shaking, at work, can't eat, feel sick and can't concentrate. Am leaving in half an hour though. Feel sick, sick, sick...it's the 'frienemy' that has thrown me completely off balance. Such betrayal from someone I considered a friend and went out of my way to help.

I don't know what to do next...I feel lost. He's messed everything up big time.

I don't think I can think of him the same ever again. I won't ever trust him or respect him as a man or partner. He's a great Daddy but hasn't he ever stopped to think how he would feel if someone was doing what he was doing to his DD?????????????

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try and get as much info down as possible.

I won't be able to respond now for a while (not sure if I'll be able to today at all as at DM's and I really don't want her to know yet) but will be checking in soon.

Thank you for reading.

Was he going to come clean without you snooping? If he hadn't done anything wrong in the first place, your 'snooping' wouldn't have found anything anyway - so he wouldn't have known about it and you would have satisfied yourself that there was no issue. How on earth can he suggest that looking at emails etc is remotely on the same par as what he did? It is part of the script though, so at least he is playing his part well

Not good that he's making much of the snooping. It's one of those paradoxes whereby you're wrong for doing it only if it turns out you're wrong. If you're right, you're right.

Exactly mistle! I tell him this.

And he says that I should've just confronted him about his inappropriate contact with women and he would've stopped. I'm I think not. Not as bloody easy as that.

Fucking idiot. I am so angry with him.

crowler it's ridiculous but I guess he has to try and play the victim. He needs to have something to feel hard done by.

But I will stick to my guns on thus one. It's tiresome. I snooped and I found. End of. I hate snooping but one thing is for sure - I've been reminded just how powerful gut instinct / female intuition / spider senses are. Always follow them.

So he thought that his contact with women was 'inappropriate' (is that his word?) and yet kept on doing it?

Said he's feeding his insecurities and needed support whilst he was supporting me after losing babies.

I think he'd do it anyway tbh.

Said it's all been email, text and one of the women works at the gym so sees her there.

With the bitch frienemy it was a kiss and cuddle after she had left and was picking up some stuff..

Sad thing is that in all the emails I read, he's doing the chasing. Sad old man.

Please don't think I'm lapping his stories up. Just don't know what the hell to think!

I know he has epically fucked up. That's the bottom line.

As an aside - he is dyslexic and often his texts don't make sense so I still don't know what he meant by parts of them. He promises he didn't fuck anyone.

I will go to the clinic to get checked out anyway. It's not like I can trust him can I???

mistle inappropriate is my word! Not sure he called it anything!

Trying to cheer myself up so I have booked a hair restyle for this afternoon! I have long hair but am going to chop it all off! Therapy takes all shapes and forms!

Good luck at the hairdressers - hope you love your new hair.

Thank you MissScstterbrain. Will take my mind off things for a bit and will feel good afterwards. Not to mention the fact that he hates my hair short! Been thinking of doing it for ages...

Lol! You should think of other things that will bring you pleasure and make you feel good - bubble baths, new nail polish, coffee with a friend, a trip etc.

Now is the time to focus on yourself.

You asked: Can this relationship work?

In all honesty love, I don't think it can.

His responses are not the responses of a "good guy who fucked up in a moment of madness". In that instance I would expect my husband, for instance, to be BESIDE himself with guilt, grief, remorse. I would expect him to have given me everything I asked for without hesitation in order to give me a chance to think things through.

Please think on how he has responded.

When he didn't know exactly what you had found out he ADMITTED to you that he fucked someone. There is no dyslexia in this world that can explain "So I fucked someone, nobody died".

He has threatened you that things "will get messy" if you split up.

He has blamed you for his infidelity (and that IS what it is) thus:

1. You didn't support him enough when YOU had 3 miscarriages
2. You should have confronted him about his 'inappropriate behaviour' (kissing, cuddling and fucking other women, ringing them several times a day, chasing them via email and that's just the bit you know about)
3. You are unhappy. You are looking for an excuse to leave etc.
4. He refused to give you the one thing you wanted: space - until you had had to beg for it several times over.

Please read it in black and white. These are NOT the actions of a good man, partner or father. You deserve better than this man. Please don't be beholden to him and stay in this miserable, disrespectful relationship because you are scared you won't "do any better".

And please please, also, don't stay for your DD. Because actually what you teach her is that women don't deserve to be loved, respected and cared for, that they should put up with being treated badly for the sake of peace and harmony. She can still see her father but she will know that she doesn't ever have to be beholden to a shitty cheat of a man because of fear or guilt or anything else. Teach her how to make good relationship choices in the future by making them yourself now.

It will be hard, it will be scary but millions of women just as scared as you do it and make it through, and you will both end up better off.

pop that's a great post. Thank you.

All you say is true. He should be so up my arse he's touching my tonsils but I don't think he gets that. Let's see where this goes...right now I can't think...am taking each day as it comes and for now, the space is great.

It will never work with a man who thinks it is your responsibility to stop him messing about with other women

He wouldn't have done it if you had stopped him ?

Puh-lease

any you're right. It's not my responsibility to stop him messing around. But the good thing is that I am feeling angrier now. Slowly. And that anger should help me stay grounded and stay strong.

MissScatterbrain I am planning to make try and do nice things for myself to help ease the anxiety and the constant sicky feeling and lack of appetite. I have not eaten properly since last Thursday. Just can't face it.

This is so shit.

"I know he has epically fucked up."

No he hasn't.

He's been taking the piss out of you for years and you finally opened eyes and saw what was right in front of your face.

And sorry, but dyslexia is not the reason he told you he fucked someone else but you weren't allowed to be pissed off about it because nobody died.

Oh God, I am so, so sorry you're having to deal with such an epic wankbag. Get as far away from him as you can!

he says that I should've just confronted him about his inappropriate contact with women and he would've stopped

But you did OP! You already confronted him about inappropriate contact with women and he said he would stop. But he didn't stop. He carried on.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

That happened two year ago. Nothing has changed. He honestly thinks he can do this to you again. How many more years do you want to waste on this man?

You really are doing the right thing Purple, although it is hard it's not half as hard as living like this for the next 20 years or so.

Try to have a little bit of soup that you can sip and concentrate on looking after yourself. How did the haircut turn out?

did you talk to your boss? hope you did and he was understanding. will help to take the pressure of slightly if you know someone has your back and is forewarned that you're not at the top of your game.

as for the relationship - he is still behaving awfully, refusing to take responsibility for his actions and blaming you. that equals unable to change. i work with teenagers and there is absolutely no way forward until they can responsibility for their own behaviour and stop arguing and blaming. it's actually quite pathetic that you're dealing with behavioural issues with a grown man that i'm tackling with teenage boys. i was thinking it was immature in a sixteen year old but your 'partner' makes me realise some never get it. to me that seems like stunted development - immaturity and also just having missed a very basic lesson in how to be a responsible human being.

however it's not surprising is it? look at how he has been about the house and the work that needs doing in day to day life - utter refusal to take any responsibility but constant moaning and blaming.

he is so entitled that he thinks not only all the physical work is your responsibility but all of the emotional work too - you're meant to be responsible for his behaving like a vaguely decent human being and if he isn't then it's your fault.

he's like a spoiled, entitled brat. can you imagine being so fucking entitled you think it's someone else's job to clear up your shit in all areas of your life?

i'm sorry my second post may be out of context - really sorry but think i mixed you up with another poster whose partner had been abusing her about the state of the house as well as cheating. i do apologise, i'm just in from work and head scrambled

You're all right!

Thank you ALL for your messages. Some are hard to read as they tell it how it is but they're are good for me to read as will help keep me focused.

My boss has been brilliant and is being very supportive. So if I have to dash off due to added childcare duties I can. And also helps as he knows I'm not being lazy but just can't concentrate.

numpty I understand re scrambled head!

And interesting re the teenage boys. So true that some will never, ever get it.

Oh and my haircut is fab! Super short and makes me feel good! Really glad I did it as the small things make these horrible things a little better for a while.

He popped home (pre-arranged) last night and we had a little chat after DD had gone to bed. I think he has realised that I'm not going to soften this time and that I'm playing the long game. Told him he needs to bend over backwards at the moment as I did nothing wrong. He did it all. He is going to stay at his mates next week too but started implying he might outstay his welcome to which I replied that he should then book into a B&B. Said he's not going to faff about moving around for too long / a couple of weeks to which I replied that he was in no position to tell me how long anything should take! My point hit home I think.

Got a text message last night saying 'please forgive me. I will be the man you want me to be.' I haven't replied to that. The way it looks to me right now is that he'll never be able to be the man I want him to be and that this is over. I know I'm better off without him. But it'll take me a little while to let go completely although I am being strong and standing my ground. I will get there.

Good for you, Purple.

"I'll be the man you want me to be."

I find that so insulting.

It basically says that he could be that man if he wanted to be, but he hasn't been arsed until you turfed him out.

The reality is that this lowlife has no idea how to be a man at all.

Exactly Join exactly. Why didn't he be that man in the first place? He was stepping up to the plate in terms of bringing in money, sharing childcare, spent lots of time with DD and was doing up the house BUT what about his duties as a partner and lover? I guess he thought he could away with having this little sideline life whilst getting on with his other duties!

The mate he's staying with texted me this morning telling me that P will not give up on 14 years. Yesterday I asked if the friend who's putting P up knows everything and P said yes. So I preceded to have a very long text convo with said friend. He knew nothing! He's shocked and told me that P had lost me, was taking me for granted and to look after myself and DD. And for some strange reason, this text convo has also given me strength. His bonafide friend is disappointed in him and says he doesn't deserve me and DD. People are starting to see through his cocky façade.

Great to hear you are still being strong. How lovely that you love your snazzy hair do.

The problem with him is that its a long history of lies, fuck ups, indiscretions and other selfish twattish behaviours - how can you wipe all of these out?

Glad his friend now knows what the real deal is - these men can never be honest about themselves and their own failings. If he was a real man, he would have been honest with this friend wouldn't he?