Shaking and feel sick

[PurplePest]

Hello,

Apologies if this is rambling or all over the place but that's exactly what my head's like at the moment.

I don't post often at all but I'm a super regular lurker and find Mumsnet fab and full of great advice and info.

I am 38 and have a DD aged 5yo. We live with my 'partner' who is DD's Daddy. We've had a colourful past (but nothing hugely out of the ordinary) and broke up in 2007 (then I found out I was pregnant). DD and I stayed in the house until April 2009 and then moved out until Summer 2011. We - Mummy and daddy - seemed to getting along just fine. The reason for this split was a mixture of several things but instigated by my 'D'P. He said I didn't support him enough primarily. His Mum has vascular dementia and 'we' were the main carers. He also has two DS's from previous relationships so we were either looking after Mum or Ds's! But I feel I played my role very well and tried to be a good SM and almost-DIL.

Conversations, instigated by P whenever we were together, centred around getting back together, getting married, having more kids, being a family. Eventually, I bit the bullet and went back. Things on the whole have been good. We've lost three babies (February 2012 @ 14 weeks, February 2013 @16 weeks and July 2013 @9 weeks) and have supported one another well. I had a down period where it all got to me throughout October and November 2013 but came through it.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

For about 18 months I felt happy and didn't feel the need to snoop.

Moving forward to October 2013 - I needed to check my mobile phone charges as there were extra charges on the bill. Whilst looking innocently at the data, I noticed calls to a new number early in the morning, every morning, whilst he was on his way to work. And on his way back home. And whenever I wasn't at home / away for the weekend or overnight. Three calls to this number that totalled about 3 hours and the calls were made in the middle of the night. I was away.

I didn't say anything as didn't have the energy and wanted to see how things panned out.

'D'P is always a good, fun Daddy, found a decent paying job (was unemployed after redundancy for 18 months) and was loving towards me.

But - I've had this niggling feeling ever since and feel like I can't trust him. Still. So yesterday evening, he went to the gym after closing down his Yahoo page. When he left I went to see if there was a slim chance he'd not logged out. He hadn't. Emails to about three different women completely overstepping boundaries. Let's meet up for drinks, miss you, compliments, flirting, mildly sexual at times.

But the icing on the cake for me? I took in a 'friend' and her DS (friends with my DD and same age as her) who had split from her boyfriend and was in a dark place. Depressed and anxious and on a cocktail of AD's. 'We' helped her through it all. She ended up staying a year in total (August 2012 until August 2013). I had issues with 'D'P' and her being too close for my liking. On one hand he would tell me how terrible she was, bad mother, neglectful, irresponsible etc. But on the other hand they spent lots of time together whilst I was away. Away being for work or visiting friends or my Mum which I do often with my DD. He used to make me out to be nuts and losing the plot in terms of how I felt about their 'friendship'. I left it at that as there was too much going on in my head re my baby losses.

Emails between 'D'P and this bint - the one I took in, supported, sat with, talked with, shared my home with - catching up with one another. But snippets of the emails (all directed by him / instigated by him) were: miss you, when are you in London next (she moved to Czech after an ugly court case which I accompanied her to!) as I would like to see you, when have you got time for me?, have you got space in your heart / head for missing me?, we lived under the same roof for a year and I grew close to you mentally and physically and talking about me too and how I was being at that particular time.
I have changed his password and have added his email account to my iphone so can access today and until he can change it. Have forwarded incriminating emails to my work email so I have them Have also made a note of any suspect email addresses..

I have taken my laptop and some clothes for me and DD and am heading over to my Mums after school pick up. I can't bear to see him. It was hard enough being 'normal' last night as didn't want it all disclosed then whilst DD was in the house. I'm back on Sunday evening. I have put a friend on standby to have DD should I decide to talk to him.

He doesn't know I know yet but I am going to send him a text later saying that I know about his shennanigans but need time and space to digest. I am also going to ask him to stay with a friend for the week next week although I'm pretty sure he won't.

The house is in both our names. We're not married but he keeps talking about how he wants to be married. We've been engaged since 2005!!! Obviously we had a break.

I am going to email the 'frienemy' to tell her I know. I know it's not sensible but I want her to know I know.

I have spoken with two RL friends. Was helpful but my head is in a spin! I don't want to tell my Mum yet and am scared about what the future holds. My DD is sooooooooooooooo happy with us both and I'm panicking at the thought of changing her life.

I'm shaking, at work, can't eat, feel sick and can't concentrate. Am leaving in half an hour though. Feel sick, sick, sick...it's the 'frienemy' that has thrown me completely off balance. Such betrayal from someone I considered a friend and went out of my way to help.

I don't know what to do next...I feel lost. He's messed everything up big time.

I don't think I can think of him the same ever again. I won't ever trust him or respect him as a man or partner. He's a great Daddy but hasn't he ever stopped to think how he would feel if someone was doing what he was doing to his DD?????????????

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try and get as much info down as possible.

I won't be able to respond now for a while (not sure if I'll be able to today at all as at DM's and I really don't want her to know yet) but will be checking in soon.

Thank you for reading.

What bouquet said, break it into small manageable segments like an orange (spit out the pips as you go and by the way he IS a pip!) How very dare he treat you and his daughter like this? I could do the deed you mentioned upthread. Castration is part of my day job. I am used to using sharp sterile instruments though but I could change that! ;)

hows it going Purple? - I'm worried about you!

Purple - hope you are ok.

You can tell him that he would have a grievance (of your 'snooping') if he has not had something to hide!!! As it is, you found evidence of him being a complete shit, and he doesn't like it.

Def, keep all texts, and see a solicitor asap.

Morning all.

I have just skimmed through all your replies and I have to admit I am laughing and crying at the same time. For the simple reason that you are amazing and the support I am getting is giving me strength and making me think about things that might not have crossed my mind.

DD and I are back home. He and I talked for a few hours before I agreed to bring her back. We went through every emotion - anger, sadness, so much and there was shouting, crying and everything in between. For the last couple of hours we spoke calmly and rationally re moving forward just this week...

I will probably keep drop feeding as my head is a muddle and I'm rembembering things he said all the time.

We will talk again this evening about him going. He knows I want him to. In the meantime he will sleep in loft. And see DD. And we will try and keep things normal for her for those couple of evening hours a week.

He leaves for work at 6am and is doing lots of overtime at the moment.

He assures me I don't need to go and get checked out for STD's as he has not shagged anyone.

He says it's the cyber / virtual relationship thing that he enjoys. He says he and the frienemy only kissed and cuddled one day after she left when she came back to collect some stuff and bought beers with her. Bitch bitch bitch. I think she did it on purpose. I really do. But I still don't know what to believe. Processing if all. Part of me says no effing way has he not shagged someone. The other part says believe.

But it doesn't been matter anymore. He effed up.

I have done a sick day today to process and veg out. I still can't face eating but am with a friend today who will at least coax me into eating a biscuit with my tea.

He is being lovely at the mo. And has said he will delete every contact on his phone and email infront of he. Will give the Shirley Glass book a go and think about counselling. These were the things we spoke about when things had calmed down. We are not together. I
Have emphasised that. But I
Have also said that I will not make things difficult in terms of him and DD. They spend a lot of time together. I want
As much normality for her as poss.

What a bloody mess.

You are all amazing. Thank you from the bottom if my heart! Xxx

A few things - he admitted to fucking someone so he's now backtracking?!

The way he treated you and justified his cheating is just horrendous so please remember this if you are tempted to give him another go.

Also Shirley Glass is more for those who are considering reconciliation -and counselling should be for you alone as you have had a lot to deal with recently.

I would really recommend him leaving ASAP otherwise it will be really hard to move on with him whining and breathing down your neck.

Child access needs to be formal so that everyone knows what is happening, when and where. All handovers to take place on door step and visits to be away from the home which should be your sanctuary.

Dear Purple, he's just telling you a bunch of shite. Please tell him to fuck off.

Consider this: if he had any decency he'd move out and not force physical proximity on you. That would be a show of deference and regret on his part - and perhaps a sign that you could consider moving forward with him. Business as usual is just a way to make you second-guess your version of events.

he's full of shit, and if you don't go and get legal advice, this shit will happen again and again.

don't be stupid about this, its not fair on your child

I can't think straight.

I am going to tell him to go again this evening.

I can't do anything proactive today but will sort legal advice tomorrow. I simply do not have the energy today. After being with family all weekend and with him for a big part of yesterday talking I am spent.

I am taking everything he says with a pinch of salt.

Although I am being strong I found myself swaying somewhat yesterday. Which is why it's best to see him as little as possible right now I guess. He has less opportunity to feed me poo.

he admitted to fucking someone else in his text and is now saying he just cuddled

You will not get any straight answers from him

Do not trust him for one second!

It doesn't matter if it's a cuddle or sex (and seriously, there was sex). There's no difference. Please.

Yesterday he texted you " He wrote yes I fucked someone but no one died" - so what part of that says he hadn't shagged anyone?. Whether he was lying yesterday or lying today doesn't matter - he lied full stop. About something that is so fundamentally important to a marriage that it can't be glossed over as something he said in a rage to hurt you without him being a total and utter bastard in the first place.

So - a lying shit, and either unfaithful or someone who tried to hurt you in the worst way he could. Either way, beyond the pale IMO

Please don't just beleive him, purple. As others have said - he's admitted 'fucking' someone. (Maybe not the frenemy, maybe someone else? Is he saying - 'No I didn't fuck her' instead of 'No i didn;t fuck anyone?' Big difference.)

Get an STI for your own health/peace of mind; then tell him you've done so. If he thinks you are making a point, then yes, you are. He is a sneaky lying shit and he should know that you think that.

hope you're OK Purple.

I understand that its extremely tempting, when someone is on their best behaviour, to give the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not going to tell you to give up your relationship -- only you can decide that.

But I think you should insist that he moves out, albeit temporarily, while you sort it out. If he stays put it will be too easy for him to normalise things without him really facing up to what's happened.

I think it is easy for others to be clearheaded about this (to others looking in it is obvious that he is lying to save his skin) but when you are in the midst of it, the reality is it is sometimes done in stages. It is hard to turn your feelings off like a tap. I think you will come to realise in the coming days that unfortunately he is a shit. The lies will keep on coming. And you deserve MUCH better.
He can still see your DD for 2hrs each evening without him living there.

She can be your focus.
I am sorry you have to go through this sadness. The future will be much brighter x

He is being lovely at the mo. And has said he will delete every contact on his phone and email infront of he. Will give the Shirley Glass book a go and think about counselling.

That's great but, when you think about, that's not what you wanted is it. All you wanted was for him to move out to give you some space and time to think.

Hold fire on the counselling. He can read whatever books he wants if he wants to inform himself, but he should not be doing it for you. He should do it because he wants to and chooses to, regardless of whether or not you are together.

He slept with someone else and is still lying about it. You cannot believe a word he says. Go for that sti check anyway. You cannot trust his word on this.

Now. Concentrate on one thing. You have asked him for one thing. You have asked him to move out for a while.

Is he doing this for you? Or are all his promises just hot air.

It does not mean it's permanent. It does not mean you can't change your mind. But for now he should move out. Will he do that?

I have been reading all your posts. Thank you.

Quick update - he is going to stay with a friend today. He'll come back to see DD in the evenings for an hour or so and then go.

He's being very agreeable and says he knows he's got lots of work to do and months and months of making good.

I don't know what'll happen but some space is a good start. I feel OK but will have to go into work tomorrow.

It's hard juggling all those day to day things when you just want to curl up and weep. But it makes it all worthwhile when DD is being her usual happy self and is not aware of what's going on with her parents.

It's a start Purple. Now, when you are in the house without him, make sure the doors are locked and leave the key in the lock so that he cannot just let himself in. He will have to knock.

Ideally he should not come everyday, because he will still be trying to get you to change your mind, still putting the pressure on you. He is supposed to be leaving you alone.

Make sure he pre-arranges a time to visit that is convenient to you. Could you get someone else to be there so that he doesn't try to talk to you. The purpose of his visit is to see his daughter but he will use this opportunity to try and ingratiate himself with you.

Remember, right now, all you want is space.

The best option would be for a friend or relative to come over during the hour that he is there and for you to not be in the house at all. They could come over just before he is due to arrive and ring you when he has left.

That way he won't get to see you at all but will still have time with your dd. What do you think?

He went last night. I slept well. He is not going to come back to see DD until Friday now and on Saturday DD and I are off out for the day. He'll spent Sunday with her.

Work will be difficult today but I guess best to get back into routines.

good luck at work today purple. it might be good to have a bit of routine and distraction, you never know. is there anyone at work in a more senior position you'd feel comfortable talking to and letting know you're under a lot of stress?

Think I will tell my boss today so he knows. I have so much on at work too that I should say I'm not feeling great as I know concentration might not be my strongest point this week!

Is there any way this relationship can work?

I may well sound mad but I am swinging from hot, cold, good, bad, love, hate and everything in between...

Early days I know but need to think of all possibilities...he says he'll do everything in his power to prove to me it's us he wants...do I explore??? And how do we even start working through this mess???

I am lost.

I think you need to take one day at a time, Purple. You don't need to decide to cut him out forever. I'm impressed that he's moved out and given you some space. That's a really positive move, and one that assumes some responsibility.

Purple - wrt the house, when he was out of work, presumably you were paying the mortgage - and the fact its coming out of your account still I would think is positive - I would hope that would mean that you would get more of any uplift if it came to selling it. Might be worth working out what you have put into the mortgage payments between you.

It took me a few days but kept reiterating that that's what I needed him to do. He's making a huge deal about the snooping but I say I am glad I snooped. Otherwise I would be none the wiser.