Stupid argument, no sleep and I'm questioning it all

[Whydo]

Dh is lovely. After abusive XH I thought I'd never be happy, but I am. We got married last year and now have a 3 month old dd (as well as my 2 from previous marriage).

I'm tired. Very, very tired. Dd still wakes 2 or 3 times in the night and I had terrible insomnia in pregnancy, so I don't think I've had a proper sleep in over 6 months. I can't nap, so I never catch up. All par for the course.

This really was a petty fight.

Dh has been offering since day 1 to take dd for the night. Beginning of December I bought bottles, expressed milk, explained what to do, and looked forward eagerly to his fortnight off work so I could have a night off. One night, that's all I wanted.

Well Christmas came and went and it was "never the right time".

I'll throw in that I've started with PND symptoms too.

Last night dd was really unsettled and I was struggling. She woke an hour after I fed her. Dh woke too and was sympathising. 2am is a terrible time to talk but I was so tired and asked why he never gave me the night off. He said he didn't think dd was ready.

I said I was so tired. I didn't mind doing it all, but I couldn't cope with him offering my heart's desire and not doing it. I said please don't offer things you don't want to give me and please don't lie to me.

I admit that was an emotive word to use.

Dh leapt out of bed, shouted at me to Fuck off, and that he wasn't having that.

He came back 15 mins later and was very apologetic and sorry that he'd scared me.

We've talked but I feel so confused (a lot of it is exhaustion ). XH would promise to do things and never do them, so I know I have a hang up there. He would also swear and scream at me and frighten me.

I feel so down now. How could my lovely dh shout at me to fuck off, on the day I'd told him I spent hours crying and was so tired?

I want to move on and forgive him, but I don't want this to happen again. He promises it was a one off and a mistake. He's trustworthy.

Please be gentle.

It was 2am. He probably absolutely intended to do it, and you called him a liar.

Talk it through in daylight, yes, but he needs to be VERY apologetic and aware of how inappropriate and nasty he was to shout that at you.

He also needs to ask you exactly when you need him to do a night and then DO IT.

Bless you, am suffering from sleep deprivation myself. My DS won't take the bottle but we are persevering so DH can do a night every week on the weekend.

Eirik, thanks for replying. I think my hurt has more to do with my past. I had explained to dh that dd will not like it and will probably not sleep much. I probably shouldn't have been so honest!

We're off to see his family for the weekend this evening, so there's no real time to talk. I just want to stop feeling so sad.

Atrocious he had already apologised a lot. He seems very surprised by his own reaction. Sleep deprivation is torture.

Dh is lovely

What is it with all these threads at the moment starting with the 'lovely' DH who then turns out to be anything but?

Telling you to fuck off when you challenge him is a huge red flag, also from the following it doesn't sound like this is a one-off, have I read correctly?

XH would promise to do things and never do them, so I know I have a hang up there. He would also swear and scream at me and frighten me

Tonight, just tell him it's his turn, go and sleep in a different room and leave him to get on with it.

What is he doing during the day-time to give you time to rest?

I said please don't offer things you don't want to give me and please don't lie to me

I think I'd be more insulted by this, than by being told to Fuck Off. The implications with the former are far deeper and potentially more hurtful than a knee-jerk "Fuck Off".

This is just my intepretation of the semantics of it though, the relationship behind is another question, especially if you feel he isn't stepping up to act as a parent.

OP lay your cards on the table with your husband and be very clear about how his empty promises make you feel and what this is doing to your relationship. You need him to understand how exhausted you are too.

As for there not being a right time for him to step up and feed your DD that is utter bollocks! My DP led the feeding of my DD from day 1 as I had a C-section with complications and couldn't do a great deal. My DD is not even a month old but she is "ready" for her father to care for her in the middle of the night - she doesn't know and doesn't care as long as her needs are met.

In fairness to your DH he "may" be nervous about doing a feed without you holding his hand but if so he just needs to man up and do it.

I think if you suspect PND it's worth getting a doctor's appointment sooner rather than later too.

BTW I think if I had been in your position and he had "sympathised" at 2am I would have got the car keys and buggered off to a hotel for a couple of nights telling him to get on with it - then he would know what he was sympathising with.

He sounds like a selfish twat to me - sorry.

Jean, that was XH, not dh. This really has only happened once. It's very out of character. But sadly due to previous abusive marriage I worry about missing what's really in front of me. Dh is a good, kind, gentle man. This was surprising.

I really feel for you. It's so hard when you're exhausted and given your past relationship this must have been incredibly upsetting.

I just wanted to share that DH is a lovely, calm, gentle man but when our DD was tiny we had a very similar swearing in the night argument, when he said some awful things (he called me the C word). He had never done it before and has never done it since - I think for him it was the pressure of new parenthood, the exhaustion (and probably a little bit of guilt that he hadn't really been pulling weight).

We had a very serious, honest chat in the light of day and he apologised a lot. He has never shouted at me like that since. He also did really step up with helping at night.

If that doesn't happen, then I think it would be time to start to look at the relationship but if it does then hopefully you will be able to see this as a horrible one off.

Keepithidden, yup, I definitely offended him. He admits he hadn't stepped up, but was hurt I called him a liar.

Xena, it's the nervous thing. He worries about doing things wrong, but I can't hold his hand through everything, especially not when I'm holding on by a thread.

Notadoctor that's very reassuring. Yes I think he does feel guilty.

You've already had good advice about his shouting and swearing and I agree with what has been said.

He said he didn't think dd was ready

He's her father! When does he think she'll be ready to be cared for by one of her parents? He means he isn't ready. You know that. Talked to him about that, make sure he knows what to do and then, as another poster said, leave him to get on with it. Because not only is it just as much his responsibility as yours, your DD will react much better to him doing regular slots now than she might in a few months if it's only ever been you.

Also, is there anyone that can give you a break during the day to sleep for a few hours? There's no shame in that - it's the only thing that kept me going some weeks when I had two under three!

Oh and now he's back at work in the day time, if he was here he would let me rest but I would have dd with me and still do the feeds.

but was hurt I called him a liar

Another red flag to me, ignoring the real issue and making it all about him.

I would be very wary of this man. All this talk is cheap, he's not pulling his weight and stepping up to fatherhood.

What else does he do round the home OP?

Overtired, not really. I could ask my mother but she'd be more likely to come round and nag me to get out of the house than to just let me rest.

Jean, he does pull his weight with the housework, but does sometimes need reminding.

I do think it's down to nerves on his part. He doesn't want to get things wrong, and I've done it all before, but I don't know everything! I'm not perfect! I don't want to be the "ultimately responsible" one, I want to do this together.

It was 2 am, and it sounds like you are probably both very tired. Is DD his first child? I agree that him shouting at you was out of order, but it is sounding in your posts like neither you or DH trust him to be able to look after DD as well as you can. If he is nervous about doing a whole night, which it sounds like he is, have you considered starting by him doing a bottle once in the night. You could go to bed early, and he could give a bottle at 11 ish, which could give you a good long period of undisturbed sleep. You could then build up to the whole night when he is more confident?

OK, well if this is genuinely a one-off and everything else is fine and he's pulling his weight, then let it go but insist on him doing more with the baby.

This weekend could be a good time to start - take yourself our for a couple of hours and leave him to it.

It sounds as though it was a bad time to 'discuss' this and what you have is a DH who is just not currently stepping up to the mark, rather than an abusive one that is happy for you to be ground down. Hopefully, with a discussion in the daytime you'll be able to get your point across better without him taking umbrage.

1. See Dr about possible PND and get some support there.

1. Can you sort out somehow to sleep elsewhere on a Friday and Saturday night so that you can get a good night's sleep - I presume your DH is only working Mon - Fri so doesn't work on Sat or Sun, so he wouldn't have a disturbed night just before he was working.

Just so you know what's reasonable, my DS had awful colic as a baby - DH took the first shift and I went to bed at 9pm and got some sleep and DH woke me at 1 or 1.30am and I took over for the rest of the night (DS would continue screaming until 5am). So I didn't get a full night's sleep - but I did get a solid 4 hours - and he was also short of sleep but again got a solid block.

You told him the truth, he told you to fuck off. He is dangling this carrot and that is quite a nasty thing to do to someone who has said she needs support and is particularly low.

I agree with keepithidden, what he is doing is much deeper than a 'fuck off' in the middle of the night.

Notaddicted, yes this is dh's first child. He's very good with her and I'm always reassuring him that he's doing brilliantly. I trust him completely with her. I think the 11pm idea could be a winner. I think his lack of confidence is giving him a reason to not help at night, and that's not fair.

When she was a few weeks old he would get up in the night with her between feeds, but when she was about 5 weeks old he had an important work thing that needed lots done on it and so I took over all night duties. That ended a month ago and it's still me doing it all. I don't expect him to do it on a work night. In fact when I asked over the holidays I literally wanted one night off. No more. Just one day to feel human. Instead dd had some of the worst nights so far and I felt bloody terrible.

Have you thought about going to counselling after your relationship with XH it may help you to put that in the past.

It was early in the morning, you're both tired - DP has given me a few fuck offs when I've started having a go at 2am it's just one of those petty over tired rows, I wouldn't worry about it. He's apologised and If it were me I would apologise too but also explain that it is a bit annoying when he says he will do something and he doesn't, if he can understand that great. If he can't understand that then that would be the red flag, not saying fuck off

"He admits he hadn't stepped up, but was hurt I called him a liar."

But if someone promises they will do something then never doing it when asked outright, then that offer WAS a lie.

Or put another way . . . it doesn't matter if he was telling the truth when he offered, that he really really REALLY meant to help out, if he won't help out when asked to, then the offer was not a true offer, and therefore a lie.

How about saying to him something like: "I am sorry to upset you by calling you a liar. That came out wrong. What I meant was that you promised to help by taking DD for the night but whenever I have asked you to keep this promise, you have not done it. That means my expectations of help from you turned out to be not true. In my extreme tiredness I summarised this by calling you a liar and for that I apologise. Now - you MUST do as you promised and give me a night off and if you ever shout at me to Fuck Off again you are out the door."

Sorry xpost, mistle, the shifts thing sounds good too. I just want some decent sleep

Scallops, it's the carrot that hurt so much. I felt stupid for believing he really wanted to help me.

Mistlethrush offers v good advice I think. We had a v similar situation when our DD was about 6-7 weeks old.

Hang in there, this all gets easier