Stupid argument, no sleep and I'm questioning it all

[Whydo]

Dh is lovely. After abusive XH I thought I'd never be happy, but I am. We got married last year and now have a 3 month old dd (as well as my 2 from previous marriage).

I'm tired. Very, very tired. Dd still wakes 2 or 3 times in the night and I had terrible insomnia in pregnancy, so I don't think I've had a proper sleep in over 6 months. I can't nap, so I never catch up. All par for the course.

This really was a petty fight.

Dh has been offering since day 1 to take dd for the night. Beginning of December I bought bottles, expressed milk, explained what to do, and looked forward eagerly to his fortnight off work so I could have a night off. One night, that's all I wanted.

Well Christmas came and went and it was "never the right time".

I'll throw in that I've started with PND symptoms too.

Last night dd was really unsettled and I was struggling. She woke an hour after I fed her. Dh woke too and was sympathising. 2am is a terrible time to talk but I was so tired and asked why he never gave me the night off. He said he didn't think dd was ready.

I said I was so tired. I didn't mind doing it all, but I couldn't cope with him offering my heart's desire and not doing it. I said please don't offer things you don't want to give me and please don't lie to me.

I admit that was an emotive word to use.

Dh leapt out of bed, shouted at me to Fuck off, and that he wasn't having that.

He came back 15 mins later and was very apologetic and sorry that he'd scared me.

We've talked but I feel so confused (a lot of it is exhaustion ). XH would promise to do things and never do them, so I know I have a hang up there. He would also swear and scream at me and frighten me.

I feel so down now. How could my lovely dh shout at me to fuck off, on the day I'd told him I spent hours crying and was so tired?

I want to move on and forgive him, but I don't want this to happen again. He promises it was a one off and a mistake. He's trustworthy.

Please be gentle.

I don't think its annoying, I think its quite cruel. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. He is offering to alleviate that for Whydo and then not doing. Giving her hope and taking it away again. Soul destroying.

He shouldn't have promised and not fulfilled and he shouldn't have shouted BUT everyone is tired at 2am. You sound absolutely done in. A small baby tests everyones limits unless you are extremely lucky and get a sleeper (and even then..) so if this is your first spat I think you're doing rather well. I would chalk it up to experience and although not forget it maybe file it and try and move on. I do appreciate how difficult that is when your exhausted (and your dh has told you to f off) I hope your night off comes soon x

Parenthood, Funnily enough I am currently in counselling for it. I've missed an appointment for it because I can't leave the house for crying. Now that's stupid.

Balloonslayer, he does say that now I've explained what I meant (just as you described), had he interpreted it like that he would never have gotten angry. I just don't think he realises how exhausting it is.

"I felt stupid for believing he really wanted to help me." I am sure you do Can you tell him this? Part of me thinks it is because he is just not in your position and hasn't experienced that overwhelming exhaustion so doesn't realise the implications of what he's doing. Part of me thinks he sees childcare as your job which he 'helps' out with.

PND is more often than not associated with a lack of support btw.

Clouds, me too! :)

Scallops, I do think we've slipped into a rut of me doing it all. We need an overhaul.

Pick a weekend day and that's your lie in. We've done this from day one and its worked well, no resentment and 2am rows.

Its hard, as I felt guilty he was working 45/50 hr weeks but he got up and I had my lie in and if she needed feeding again he'd bring her back and we'd snuggle and feed. It's helped us all.

It was two in the morning and you called him a liar. I would have told you to fuck off too. Who wants to be spoken to like that in the early hrs. I think you are both tired and you should just have a chat with him and move on.

Look at the bigger picture op.

As for pulling his weight with the baby, a simple chat could sort all that out.

I had three under two and just got on with it when they were babies, although my husband was very good around the house etc.

A simple chat about both of your expectations is the way forward.

Santa that sounds good.

I really don't know how I'm going to cope with a weekend away at his parents. No time to talk, No hope of a night off, and I burst into tears every 5 minutes. We can't not go, this is our belated Christmas visit, and I can't stay at home because half the family haven't met dd yet.

Blonde, I had the simple chat, more than once. My only mistake was not attaching a date.

Why can't he do his first 'take her a give her a bottle in the night' in his parents house? Or you could have a nice long daytime nap while there, with him and his family joining forces to look after all 3 DCs for a whole afternoon?

Then it's time to either shit or get off the pot.

You have two choices here, either shut up or put up. If I were you, I would just chuck him in at the deep end. Arrange some time to yourself at the weekend and leave him with the baby. Unless he experiences how exhausting a baby is he will never be able to empathise which is what's needed here so that he can appreciate how exhausted you are.

Pick a time at the weekend when your child is more likely to be in good form and off you go.

This was very effective when my children were babies and very demanding. My husband was brilliant but we still had the odd falling out.

You are making a rod for your own back if you don't deal with this now.

Why can't you nap when baby is asleep?

Walkacross, it's a nice idea, and they could definitely do the taking the dcs off in the afternoon, but it's a tiny house where everyone would hear dd screaming all night long and dh would stress and it would probably put him off for life.

My betting is you will see a whole different side to him when you visit his parents.

He will be so hands on in front of others, especially his parents.

Blonde, I can't nap because I can't. I've never been able to sleep during the day. I don't fall asleep easily no matter how tired I am. It's a pain in the arse but I can't change it.

DH actually hit the floor when he didn't get up quickly enough to see to DS on 'his' morning at my parents' house (I only shoved a little harder than normal).

Either you need to do the shifts option - but that's an 'every night' solution, or you need two nights a week where the whole night is his responsibility and you deal with the other 5 - he can hardly complain about the split and he can catch up a bit during the following days (after 8am).

I understand that. I never napped either. I always used that time to clean the house or get myself ready.

You need your sleep now more than ever. Have you spoken to your gp about your insomnia? Perhaps he could give you a mild sleeping tablet just to help.

If you have pnd, getting help is your priority at the moment.

Mistle

I don't know if I can seek help right now. Abusive XH is taking me to court, he's been abusing the dcs when in his care, I've got a big battle ahead, I don't think I can risk them blaming mh issues.

Oh and I can't imagine sleeping tablets and breast feeding go together.

That's just an excuse.

If you recognise that you have symptoms of pnd then you have a responsibility to see your go before it gets worse.

You will need all of your strength to cope with exh but your priority is making sure that are well.

It will only get harder to see your gp if you let pnd go.

It doesn't have to be pills. Your gp will advise you of the different options.

I know that if I was in your position sleep and my general health would be more important than breast feeding.

It is ok to prioritise yourself op.

It's an excuse, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment. I've got so much on. I'm a coper. I cope. If dh hadn't offered I would have carried on coping. Now I feel like the rug's been whisked from under me and I'm stuck.

It's very much the straw that broke me.

I sought help to deal with XH raping me amongst other things, but That's barely been discussed and I'm nearly out of sessions.

I'm stuck. If I try to get help for PND and it's used against me and the dcs end up unprotected I will never forgive myself.

But this wasn't about XH. This was about dh. Dh needs to pull his weight at night. I shouldn't have asked him not to lie. It's ok if the fuck off was a one off.

Thanks for all the advice.

I really sympathise OP. My DS is 4 and a half and only slept through the night from four years old! I got used to it. But like you, first few months were dreadful he was up every hour. I had to give up breast feeding for all our sakes and then other people
Could feed him whilst I had a rest. Is there any gyms near you with a crèche ? An hour in the gym a few times a week may help you to feel
More positive, also strangely it does make you feel a hell of a lot more energised! I feel super after some
Excercise, mentally and physically.

Parenthood, wow, you survived 4 years?

No gyms suitable, but I do need to get out and exercise.

Dh has sent me an email apologising for letting me down and making excuses not to help.

We'll be ok.

Any tips on getting through this weekend? I look a state, my eyes are swollen, I'm exhausted and tetchy, and his parents are lovely but hard work. Oh and I'm supposed to be meeting a load of aunts and uncles I have yet to meet. And to top it all off, it's a 12 hour round journey.

Whydo if you are too tired for the week-end at your PiL, say so and don't go! I am sure the wider family will be disappointed about not meeting the Baby, but it shouldn't be at the cost of your emotional and physical well-being.

Incidentally, DH accidentally woke our Baby coming to bed last night and we had a row at 2 am, as I felt he had then just left me to deal with it. Both of us said things we regret this morning, but I had had four children on my own all week and he had driven for 3 1/2 hours, the Baby is weaning and teething and we had both slept badly. If it is out of character, I would try to move on from it and explain more temperately what you mean.