Stupid argument, no sleep and I'm questioning it all

[Whydo]

Dh is lovely. After abusive XH I thought I'd never be happy, but I am. We got married last year and now have a 3 month old dd (as well as my 2 from previous marriage).

I'm tired. Very, very tired. Dd still wakes 2 or 3 times in the night and I had terrible insomnia in pregnancy, so I don't think I've had a proper sleep in over 6 months. I can't nap, so I never catch up. All par for the course.

This really was a petty fight.

Dh has been offering since day 1 to take dd for the night. Beginning of December I bought bottles, expressed milk, explained what to do, and looked forward eagerly to his fortnight off work so I could have a night off. One night, that's all I wanted.

Well Christmas came and went and it was "never the right time".

I'll throw in that I've started with PND symptoms too.

Last night dd was really unsettled and I was struggling. She woke an hour after I fed her. Dh woke too and was sympathising. 2am is a terrible time to talk but I was so tired and asked why he never gave me the night off. He said he didn't think dd was ready.

I said I was so tired. I didn't mind doing it all, but I couldn't cope with him offering my heart's desire and not doing it. I said please don't offer things you don't want to give me and please don't lie to me.

I admit that was an emotive word to use.

Dh leapt out of bed, shouted at me to Fuck off, and that he wasn't having that.

He came back 15 mins later and was very apologetic and sorry that he'd scared me.

We've talked but I feel so confused (a lot of it is exhaustion ). XH would promise to do things and never do them, so I know I have a hang up there. He would also swear and scream at me and frighten me.

I feel so down now. How could my lovely dh shout at me to fuck off, on the day I'd told him I spent hours crying and was so tired?

I want to move on and forgive him, but I don't want this to happen again. He promises it was a one off and a mistake. He's trustworthy.

Please be gentle.

Twoandtwo, exhaustion is the root of all evil.

We already had to cancel once because dh was ill, we can't let them down again. I'll recover. It'll just take longer.

I keep meaning to go to mother and baby things to meet people (new to the area although family are nearby), but I never get to the point where I feel I can. Maybe now things will be different.

I would say to your DH that you are just not up to it - 12 hrs is awful if you're feeling tired. And I would ask him to do two nights so that you can recover a bit.

Mistle I don't want to let people down

I did indeed and I tell you what it was worth it because now at four he goes straight to sleep no problem at 6:30pm and lets me lie in on weekends, sometimes until half past ten !!! And oh boy do I appreciate that! It's very rare for it to take that long though, you will get there.

If you are that tired I would explain and not go. If that's something you cannot do all I can advise is sleep whilst travelling when you can, let other members of the family take over with nappy changes etc! Drop hints that you are tired someone may let you have a nap and be more than happy to keep baby happy for an hour or two.

Oh and coffee! Of course.

Good old coffee. Dh has just sent me a message saying we're not going and I'm going to sleep :)

Brilliant!

You will feel brand new.
Sometimes things need to get worse and blow up a bit before they get better !

Enjoy you're sleep!

So glad your husband has seen the right thing to do. I hope you manage to sleep. When my ds was a baby I used to lose time. I would sit and look out the window for what felt like a minute and realise 10 or 20 minutes had passed. It's hell. When he was 8 months I did (not so) controlled crying with him. it worked. He still got up at 5.30 but at least I was getting more than 4 hours sleep. Not for everyone I know but it was a necessity for me. I promise it does get better. Big hugs x

Parenthood :)

Clouds I'm doing the lost time already. Have been hallucinating a bit too which isn't nice, I'm sure it's just lack of sleep though.

I really hope this is a turning point.

OP you've had lots of good advice here re. your dp. All I wanted to add was...you say you can't nap, is this because you can't drop off? This was me too, but I still sometimes went to bed for half an hour and closed my eyes when dd had a nap. The physical and mental rest did me good although I didn't actually sleep. I know it's harder for you with older DCs but you need to look after yourself and force yourself to get rest when you can, especially with PND rearing its ugly head.

Thanks Batmam (love the name). I'll give it a go :)

Just a quick update, dh stepped up :) he did the 3am feed 3 nights in a row, and has been insisting I get rest. He hadn't realised just how shattered I was, and I think he was holding on for her to sleep through.

He's just popped to get something from the shops, and has taken dd with him (his idea). I really believe he just needed that push into taking the initiative.

Thank you so much for all the brilliant advice.

How lovely.I'm so pleased for you.Have a good weekend.

I'm so pleased your dh has stepped up. Sleep depreviation and feeling out of your depth are both awful.

Hopefully you can discuss your triggers with each other now you are both feeling more rational and "together"

Fantastic news - I hope that you're already feeling some of the benefits.

Whydo: I'm pleased for you.
I agree with PottedPlant. The guided meditations stop your mind racing and they usually tell you to relax your muscles -I usually fall asleep after a few minutes if I'm listening to one.

Also are you drinking coffee and tea to get you through the day?
If so gradually cut it out and replace with herbal tea or water.
The effects of a caffeine drink can last for several hours which would prevent you napping.

Camomile tea is a great relaxant.

Why has he not been doing alternate nights from day one? Because he's at work all day? You're working all day too, caring for your child and doing housework; that's probably more tiring than going out to work. Sure, he'd be tired every other day, but could recover the next, and so could you. I'm surprised it wasn't you telling him to fuck off in the middle of the night, you must be exhausted.

Really sorry - only read page one and didn't see the thread had progressed, so glad your dh is helping more now.