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Original poster

I don't want him to have his vasectomy

73 replies

ElBombero · 09/01/2014 23:35

Got 2 gorgeous babies, both decided to stop at 2. So DH gone and booked it, he's having it done in 11 days Hmm right now I don't want any more children but I'm only 30 (he's 40) so lots of time yet to change our minds. So final.
But he won't have it, says how lucky we are to have healthy happy children, why risk it? And although I'm young he says he's not and he's done.
Told him today that u didn't want it done. He said sorry El, it's not up for discussion Hmm

OP posts:
Blondeorbrunette · 09/01/2014 23:46

Would he agree to postpone?

EdithWeston · 09/01/2014 23:47

Did you discuss it before he booked it?

Whilst pre-op counselling will ask if the partner is happy about the op (because it is believed better if it's a decision of the couple) your consent isn't required, so you cannot prevent him making this choice about his fertility. Do you know why he feels so strongly about it?

DustBunnyFarmer · 09/01/2014 23:48

Two kids is plenty. And he's right, it is up to him. If this was a female poster saying her it was her male partner trying to lay down his will on contraception/her fertility, we'd all say so. Being over 40 myself, I can assure you I'm a lot less bright eyed, bushy tailed & energetic. At our age more kids a few years down the line starts to have a bigger impact on saving for retirement, our ability to retire early etc. You don't say how old your DCs are, but assuming a year old, he'll still potentially be supporting them through uni in his early 60's. More babies in a year or two means supporting kids through uni on a pension or working on after 65. Count your blessings and enjoy the family you have. (My DH had the snip when DS2 was about 2 - celebrate the end of taking the pill too!)

NotNewButNameChanged · 10/01/2014 08:16

OP, you say you BOTH decided to stop at 2. You have two, therefore contraception is required. He is taking the necessary steps to limit the family to the number you BOTH said you wanted to stop at. And as Dust quite rightly says, each individual is responsible for their own body and their own contraception and we see that said here time and time again about women. Men have exactly the same right. All you can do is make your feelings known but the decision is his. He's 40, I am sure he knows his own mind and is unlikely to change it.

Helltotheno · 10/01/2014 09:46

OP I guess the real issue here is that deep down, you want another at some point, despite agreeing on the face of it with your husband that two is enough. I can empathise with you.. it's hard to accept at a relatively young age that your baby-making days are over.

Still though, others are right in saying that he's doing something you both agreed and doesn't need your permission.

I suggest you level with him and tell him that you don't feel it's over for you. At least that way, you'll have fully explained how you feel although it's not likely to change anything...

It's an emotive subject and not an easy one..
The best thing you can do is be honest with him.

nobutreally · 10/01/2014 09:54

I had a similar situation - dh had the snip booked - our two were 8 + 6 at the time, and NO plans for another & I suddenly got cold feet. Even through I didn't/don't want any more, it just seemed too final. I talked to him about why it felt too final ... and he understood & cancelled the op. We have talked since (this was nearly two years ago) and I might nearly be ready for it now. Of course it's his choice, but do see if you can explain to him why you don't feel ready.

RRudyR · 10/01/2014 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Showy · 10/01/2014 09:59

I do understand. DH is booked for his tomorrow afternoon and it was a joint decision. We have two dc (2 and 6) and we are 33 and 31 respectively. We can't afford any more dc, we have no more room. Do I want another baby? Oh God, yes. I've always wanted 3. I am very sad that I won't ever be pregnant again. I'll never give birth again. Never have another baby. I feel so young to be closing that door and letting go of what I would choose in an ideal world.

But DH cannot countenance the idea. He had depression after each child, found the baby months extremely difficult. We have our futures ahead of us. There are a lot of things we want to do. We're so blessed.

I'm going to quietly shed a few tears tomorrow while he's in there.

It's the right choice. It's also okay that I feel very sad about it. It will pass.

scaevola · 10/01/2014 10:16

I think it's the sense of finality that can be problematic. There's a big difference between choosing to have X number of DC and choosing to remove the option of ever having one again.

Even if you are sure your family is complete, it can take a while to be truly ready for sterilisation. We always knew that our youngest would be our last but, despite the logical aspects of choosing permanent contraception at that point, weren't ready to actually do it until I hit the start of the perimenopause.

But even with at level of certainty and the belief my fertility had dwindled naturally to the point where conception was seriously unlikely, I had a wobble in the week before the op and started googling sperm storage. The emotional aspect of the finality of sterilisation can be surprisingly strong.

Shatteredmamma1 · 10/01/2014 10:16

Hi Op
Does your DH understand the finality of
this? Of course you have your two, but
part of the pre op counselling should talk
about the (hopefully very unlikely)
possibility of something happening to your
DC. What if you separated and he wanted
children with someone else? It is non
reversible on the NHS and if you wanted a
coil that would be a good option maybe?
Hope you reach the right decision for you
both.

TalkativeJim · 10/01/2014 10:28

Um, sorry but I don't like AT ALL the simple 'It's not up for discussion' comment.

You may have already discussed it. It may be that all you need is more time to really accept something that is genuinely for the best. Or, you may have changed your mind and him now having it will put your relationhip under strain. Who knows? - because it's now 'not up for discussion.'

People who have that as their answer to their partners wanting to discuss subjects which are life-changing, and a fundamental part of their relationship and future life together, are damn fools. Stuff like this should ALWAYS be up for discussion - because it's too important not to be. Even if it's already been discussed. It's called caring about how your partner feels.

Ignore that at your peril.

Offred · 10/01/2014 10:37

Your current partner choosing to have a vasectomy does not affect your ability to have another pregnancy or baby in the future.

It is entirely his decision.

The vasectomy is not so much an issue as much as his resolute feeling that he doesn't want anymore children, at 40 with a much younger and fertile wife I can quite understand why he would choose a vasectomy.

You are entitled to feel this decision has an impact on your relationship because you may find that at some point you want another baby more than you want him but if you don't want another baby right now and are otherwise happy there is no issue right now and you can afford to see how things go and make a choice if they change unless you are absolutely sure you want more, in which case vasectomy or not you are incompatible because he really doesn't.

It would be deeply unfair of you to put pressure on him not to have the vasectomy now he has decided firmly to do it.

Offred · 10/01/2014 10:39

I thought he was saying his choice to have a vasectomy is not up for discussion, which is completely fair. He has made a decision.

He should be capable of listening to the op's feelings about it though, providing she isn't trying to interfere in his choice and accepts his decision.

scaevola · 10/01/2014 10:43

I think talkativeJim makes a good point about the communications issue which exists here as well as the contraception one.

HavantGuard · 10/01/2014 10:48

It's his body and his choice.

You have had a chance to express your feelings about it to him and he has made it clear that he doesn't feel the same way.

Keepithidden · 10/01/2014 11:09

I had the snip a year or so ago now, I talked about it with DW but ultimately it was my decision. I have always made it clear that if she wants more children then I will not stand in her way (what that would entail would be her choice). The finality of my choice was for me only although I was conscious of the impact on others.

DustBunnyFarmer · 10/01/2014 11:28

Also, in the absence of any other reliable methods of contraception for men, this is the only way he can sure of not having another child he doesn't want. I know 2 women who engineered an "accident" against their partner's wishes, which I think is really underhand. Of course, that goes to the level of trust in a relationship, but in your DH's position (knowing how you are wavering) I don't think I'd be keen to delay the op.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 10/01/2014 11:39

DH is at his preliminary appointment now, as it happens... has just rung with his op date.

After DC1 there was a period where I was desperate very ready to TTC#2, but for practical/logistical/financial reasons DH said he thought we needed to wait four or five years which might have ended up being never and certainly would have ruled out a DC3 altogether. I was frantic and did seriously consider divorce.

We agreed not to mention it again for six months; he caved first after four months and I was pregnant next cycle. But I truly don't know what I would have done if he hadn't, because I was absolutely not done.

What are the bars to your having a third? just the agreement, or your circumstances, or your health? Can you try to be objective and do lists of pros and cons against each other to make your feelings more describable?

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2014 11:57

This, but I agree that it is ultimately his, rather than a mutual, decision.

I also want a third child but my dh steadfastly doesn't. So we haven't had one, despite various pleadings discussions over the years, and now I'm likely too old. In some ways I wish he'd had a vasectomy so I could have put the possibility of a third out of my mind - but of course, it was his choice (he's been meticulous with contraception and has always agreed to accept an accidental pregnancy so I can't even complain he's being unfair).

willyoulistentome · 10/01/2014 12:07

I had this exact same thing a few years ago, when our kids were sonmething like 2 and 4. We had two kids and he had already had three in a previous marriage, so I could totally see where he was coming from. But...I did want another one.

He went ahead, knowing I was not happy about it. I even had to go and sign a form at the docs to say I was aware. I cried while doing it and the doc told me if that's how I felt we should consider other concraception methods.. But I knew it was right for HIM, and I still COULD have another one if we ever split up( while I was young).
In retrospect, it was the right thing to do. I'm glad we stuck at two. In fact the prosepct of another fills me with dread now that I am out of the 'zone'.

Original poster
ElBombero · 10/01/2014 12:09

No he said he would postpone.

We did discuss it, I was the one that suggested it. I got diagnosed with factor 5 in pregnany which means I can't go on oral contraception so agreed it was the best thing.

It's just right now I don't want anymore children. But what happens in 5-6 years, I'll only be 35, both my babies will be at school. Just sad thinking I'll never have another baby.

He's so sure because a) we have one of each gender b) they are both happy and heathy c) if another baby we'd need bigger car, holidays would cost more, childcare costs etc. d) he couldn't cope with any more!!

Thanks for grounding me, I know we are so lucky and I should enjoy my family. We did both agree. My head says do it mainly for financial reasons, it's just my heart x

OP posts:
scaevola · 10/01/2014 12:13

Is it all forms of hormonal contraception that are ruled out?

If not, did you discuss mirena or implant for 5 years, with vasectomy following if still sure? For once 5 years out from the baby 'zone' a permanent contraception might be a whole different prospect. Or at least trying one of those, and reverting to vasectomy if it proves you don't get on with it?

Original poster
ElBombero · 10/01/2014 12:19

This is going to sound incredibly selfish but I wont have the coil, quite traumatised by PFB birth and vagismus means any internals are really horrific for me. So guess it's the only sure fire way of no more babies, just got cold feet

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 10/01/2014 12:45

TBH, now that mine are in junior/primary school, I couldn't bear the thought of starting the baby stage over again. If you are grappling with mardy toddlers, you may be fondly recalling the snuggly babe in arms stage, but there is so much to look forwards too having slightly older children. Having another in a few years would impede some if the adventures you can have with only older children.

Andy1964 · 10/01/2014 13:41

Interesting reading through some of the replies on this thread.

OP,
My DW and I decided it was time a few years ago for me to 'be done'
She experienced similar feelings to alot of posters in that she found it difficult to accept that we were not going to have anymore children even though we had both talked about it and had both agreed.

Concerns over the finality of it all seems to be common, I didn't realise that until I read the replies.