I don't want him to have his vasectomy

[ElBombero]

Got 2 gorgeous babies, both decided to stop at 2. So DH gone and booked it, he's having it done in 11 days right now I don't want any more children but I'm only 30 (he's 40) so lots of time yet to change our minds. So final.
But he won't have it, says how lucky we are to have healthy happy children, why risk it? And although I'm young he says he's not and he's done.
Told him today that u didn't want it done. He said sorry El, it's not up for discussion

Also, once you get to 3 you are properly outnnumbered. I've got a friend who is one of four. Her parents were strongly of the view you should stick to even numbers to reduce the chance of factions.

part of the pre op counselling should talk about the (hopefully very unlikely) possibility of something happening to your DC.

This is what was said to me when I asked my consultant to tie my tubes at dd2's birth (section) 'what if something happens to her after birth/her early years' I didn't think about it at the time, but it is a bullshit statement. As if getting pregnant again would replace what I had lost! Like I could just so easily replace a child by having another. It is insulting, as if I don't know my own mind & body (which was struggling with the second pregnancy as it was)

If you'd lost a child you would certainly see it's not meaningless! You don't lose a child and decide to TTC because you need to replace them.

I haven't lost a child, but know people who have & I agree. It's not like breaking a vase... "oh, I'll just pop to the shop & replace it" It makes that human life seem meaningless.

A tag line here at MN is that if he doesn't want children (or anymore children) he should take care of contraception. Which he is doing. Dh wasn't sure we were done, I was. That is why I had the op.

Anyone who is prepared to take responsibility for what they want (you said he didn't think he would cope with three) is to be admired. If a woman came on here sayings she didn't want anymore, didn't think she could cope with #3, but her dh did want more, it would all be in her favour, about how he should think about her needs/wants.

Thank you different. The problem with trying to replace a child is there is always one missing. You have two children knowing there is one missing so you have a third, but when the third comes you know you are still missing one. I did not have any of mine because I had lost one but I do know that feeling, I always know I am one short.

Anyone who wants to argue with me, step away from the keyboard and kiss your child. Be glad you can. Or another option for you, go and post a new thread on the loss boards and ask how many people had another to replace a child they lost.

Seriously, if you can argue that your child could be replaced you need to take some time to appreciate them, really, really appreciate them. I hope my parents never say that about me.

OP just on the contraception front I had a terrible time on the coil and it messed up my cycles completely. I was on the pill for 16 years and resented finally just being given a drug with no discussion on the impact to my body when I was so young! I found the excellent book Taking Charge of Your Fertility a great way of managing natural contraception and incredibly reliable - not to mention an eye opener in how my body work . Worth giving it a read to see what you think.

confuddledDOTcom No problem. A very good friend of mine lost her first & she went on to have 3 more children. She never got over her loss (stillborn) and even now she will always say she has four children, not three.

She always talked about her loss & I can't imagine anyone telling her to have another because she lost her first.

Like I say, at the time, it seemed just like any casual comment from my consultant, but after I had a change to think on it, it just felt like an insult. That I could be shallow enough to want to replace my baby.

Sorry I haven't read the whole post. We have the same age gap as you do between yourself and your husband. I would love to another child but my husband is now 46 and he just won't budge. My youngest is nearly 6 and I have to accept my DH reasons which are mainly he feels it unfair to the child that he will be a much older dad to this one.

I have had the mirena coil for nearly 5 years so we had some breathing space to decide, would that be an option? He is meant to be going to the drs to talk about getting a vasectomy but that a different story!!

If a consultant is using words such as "replacement baby" then that is worth a complaint.

If however they are referring to the possibility of wanting more children after your family has changed irrevocably, then they are describing something that does happen frequently.

Counselling is the norm before sterilisations, and does need to include its intended permananency in a world which can throw terrible things at anyone

I'm not sure where anyone is reading this supposed idea of replacement babies into anything?

It's a valid question to ask - how would you feel about never being able to have any more children if your wife left and you met someone new or your children died? Neither of those situations are about replacing children but they are big life changes that potentially influence your feelings about vasectomy.

I don't think doctors should be berated for asking sensible questions about a permanent operation because some people want to read into it something offensive that isn't even being said and never was.

How can someone who hasn't lost a baby comment on the sensitivity of a comment? That's like saying something isn't racist to a different racial group or the lovely men on the feminism boards gently explaining why something isn't sexist.

If our GP had asked that question he would have had it explained maybe not so politely that our children are not interchangeable and we didn't make family planning decisions based on the death of our daughter.

Please, if you can't see how offensive it is, stop trying to explain because you aren't making it better.

I can see how offensive the idea of replacing a baby might be to someone who has lost a baby.

What I'm saying to you is you have misunderstood.

That is not and never has been what anyone suggested when asking someone how they would feel about never being able to have more children if their wife left or their children died.

If you choose to take it that way because you are understandably blinded by grief it is your prerogative however it will remain something that doctors validly ask men going for a vasectomy because it is important and relevant to their feelings about a permanent and mostly irreversible operation.

It is an absurd and meaningless question to ask, aside from its utterly squalid insensitivity. Do people advocating having a "spare" husband just in case one falls under a bus????? (sorry to lighten/lower the tone, and I know there is no comparison really, but that's just how ridiculous the question about losing a child must seem coming from doctors who frankly, I'd have thought would have had more empathy training.)

OP- something I notice from your posts on the vasectomy....you talk about "babies" and "pregnancy" as being very much the phase that you are emotionally involved with. (iyswim?) Rather than the children-sweaty obnoxious teenagers/young adults that results from a pregnancy and a baby. I know you will continue to love those babies as they do become adults, but I think if you stop to think less of the all-consuming pregnancy-baby phase and more about the next bit, then you'll be able to come to terms with not having any more. The idea of cuddling a sweet smelling newborn has even non-maternal and menopausal ol' me sighing wistfully, but it passes.....

advocate

It's not about having spare children or replacement children and you will note that it is only you and others objecting to the idea of this who have used those phrases.

It's about having the ability to have children. There is no comparable example re: spouses because that would involve someone performing an operation on you to ensure you could never have another spouse asking you if you have considered whether you would like to retain the ability to have another relationship if your current spouse left or died.

Having/wanting more children after a child dies, as you suggest, is not about replacing them. Having another relationship after your wife dies is not about replacing her either.

It is not remotely suggesting either is about "replacements" it is about considering how sure you are about ending your fertility permanently and making sure you have thought more widely than just your current family set up.

Offred, you should really stop. You can not know what you are talking about and you are not making it better.

I am not "so blinded by grief" I am years beyond it with four children since. It was my first baby that died and I know what it is to have another baby afterwards. I actually find that statement more offensive than anything on here. I'm not allowed to have an opinion on something affects me (not you!) because you've decided I'm blinded by grief??? You're no better than the men who go on the feminism board and tell women that they have it wrong and wouldn't understand because they're women.

The point of the question is whether you totally definitely do nt want any more children, regardless of whatever changes there may be in your life, or whether you can actually only say 'well, if my life continues on this path I don't want more but I suppose if such & such happened then...' Because that is something to consider.

Of course you can have an opinion.

As can I.

This is a thread about vasectomy not about the loss of a child. The question have you considered "how you might feel if you lost your dc?" Does not mention anything about replacement children and unless your argument is that all children conceived after the loss of a child are replacements (which I completely agree is offensive) then I don't see how it is coherent.

They are asking whether you would still want to not have the ability to have children NOT saying "wouldn't you want to replace the ones you lost with shiny new ones" you are reading into it things that are not there and if anything perpetuating an idea that subsequent children are "replacements".

Living is that all about watching your cycle n only having sec in certain days? X

ElBombero sort of :) it's charting your BBT to see when you ovulate and then either using protection around your fertile window or abstaining. You also look at cm and other markers. I get it isn't for everyone but it showed me so much about how my body works that I had no clue about. Thought I was well read on the subject but oooh no! Both me and my DH learnt tons.

I fully credit it with successfully stopping me from getting pg and also helping me understand my fertility and cycle so I could get my bfp. Once I give birth that is the method I will be following again. Check out reviews on Amazon as well, the majority of which are rave reviews and 100s of them. Fab book that if I have a daughter I will give to her. Doesn't stop STDs of course but I'm assuming that's not going to be an issue for you!

Even if you decide not to follow it, it is still worth a read to help you make the right contraceptive choice for you and DH. It need not be so final as vasectomy at this stage for you both. Hope you manage to find a good resolution for you both :)

Forgot to add it's not the rhythm method which is pretty useless, as two of my friends would say clutching their DCs

If 'rhythm' means just calendar, then it's not that reliable. If you combine calendar with temperature and mucus, then reliability improves enormously. We used NFP plus condoms at risk times successfully for years. It's probably not for those who do not want to cycle track diligently, or those for whom a pg would be disastrous.

When my cycle started to go weird (perimenopause) I did not want to continue with it, and that was when we knew we'd reached the age and stage to be OK with finality of vasectomy. Though with the amazing non-clearing DH, condoms have remained on the shopping list for much longer than we ever anticipated.

Just had the phone call to say it's done, know it's the right thing but still shed a little tear :( x

I hope it's been straightforward for him.

And that you are getting your mind round it.

Thanks feel a lot better now, almost relieved that it's been done. It was hanging over me like a black cloud before but now it's done I just feel calm, I can just sit back and enjoy now.

BUT still hurts like hell when I think I won't ever be pregnant again or feel another baby inside me, have another newborn. Hoping that will pass though I'm at the utterly smitten with the new baby stage at the mo