I don't want him to have his vasectomy

[ElBombero]

Got 2 gorgeous babies, both decided to stop at 2. So DH gone and booked it, he's having it done in 11 days right now I don't want any more children but I'm only 30 (he's 40) so lots of time yet to change our minds. So final.
But he won't have it, says how lucky we are to have healthy happy children, why risk it? And although I'm young he says he's not and he's done.
Told him today that u didn't want it done. He said sorry El, it's not up for discussion

..although they say you have to consider it 'final' my DH had a reversal after we got married and we went on to have 2 kids. So the vasectomy I am talking about was his vasectomy was his SECOND vasectomy. Poor sod spend hours in there with them grappling with scar tissue.

I'm in a similar kind of position, or have been.

I'm also a thrombophiliac and so my options are limited. I wouldn't do anything that involves messing with my body because of it, soI don't blame you not doing the coil etc. Pregnancy is dangerous to thrombophiliac, I had done it three times ( once pre-diagnosis and I lost her) and I was so happy with my two children and my life. I begged him to get done, he said he would but basically he didn't think the suffering I had been through matched what he had to go through. We have two more children and took him to the gp who made the appointment as soon as here said he has six kids ( not all mine). I'm really unhappy and I've been on antidepressants, I love all my kids but I have two I didn't want to have. It's hada big affect on our relationship.

If he wants no more children, don't try to make him have more.

A vasectomy is not that final. It can be reversed, and sperm could be collected in future.

It may even be possible to store now sperm so that you could use it in future. Talk with a reproductive health clinic?

You can also discuss these issues with your doctor or at the clinic. They should be aware of the different possibilities at the moment.

You need to go into vasectomy understanding that it's intended as permanent. Reversals (rarely available on NHS) don't always work, and sperm retrieval isn't always possible either (blocking the outflow can permanently alter production).

Freezing sperm is an option, but if you're thinking of that, perhaps it might not yet be the right time for sterilisation. If he is going to opt for a procedure with a 10% rate of complications (beyond transitory post-op ones) and a small chance of serious long-term pain, then he should really want the intended outcome.

The kind and sensitive doctor my husband talked to shortly after our 3rd child was born said. "What would you do if your baby dies?"

Horrid question but definitely something to consider.

(sorry to repeat that.. it bothered me for weeks and I feel bad sharing)

Yes that's what I asked xh amongst other things. He didn't go through with it because he thought it was something I'd decided to make him do and didn't think he needed to think about it.

After the initial appointment I was asking him if he'd thought it through and making sure he understood that I felt he should make the decision as an individual based on what he'd feel if we split up, if the children died etc...

Really good job I checked and pushed him because he would have gone through with it based his perception of what I wanted (which was wrong). Just one more example of him making himself a passenger in his own life...

I don't like that question one bit. I didn't have #2 to replace #1 and she has never been a replacement.

The death thing is horrible but not meaningless. It's certainly something we considered.

We wanted three children. We aren't really constrained by finances or logistics. If we were - that is, if the only thing stopping us having a DC4, then a vasectomy would be a worse idea, because finances can change. If a child died (crosses self and shudders) then he would still be one of my children and he would always be one of my three. So that's different.

if the only thing stopping us having a DC4 was money or other practical considerations*

If you'd lost a child you would certainly see it's not meaningless! You don't lose a child and decide to TTC because you need to replace them.

That's not what I meant - sorry for any offence caused. Some people would say "no, my lost child was irreplaceable" and others would say "we will have another baby to honour our lost child".

It's not stupid to consider which you think you'd be if the worst happened. It's horrific, but it isn't stupid or empty.

Sorry to repeat such a horrible question and cause upset condfuddled.

It did make us think though. There is no question of replacement but for us family size is determined by financial restraints rather than desire. We knew that if the worst happenned we wouldn't want any more children and decided to have the vacectomy. 10 years ago it may have been a different answer.

I actually don't know anyone on any of the loss forums I've used in the last 8 years who've wanted to replace a lost baby, not to mention the outrage over Eastenders (which I followed all the way through the thread to Elstree with MNHQ) on MN. I don't think it's fair for anyone who hasn't lost a child to say how they would feel about it. Hug your child and be glad you don't know how you would feel.

You didn't cause upset, Mymble I'm shocked that a doctor would ask that though, it's the doctor I don't like not the repeating of it. I like things like that coming out because as found out two years ago on MN there is still so much myth and taboo surrounding baby loss and it needs to be talked about.

Did you say you had factor V leiden blood clotting condition? If so, that gives rise to risks during pregnancy (eg late miscarriage, stroke). Could that be part of his reasoning?

His fertility, his choice.

I am in similar situation but am the one wanting sterilisation. DH has known how I feel for 2 years. Have held off because would prefer it to be a joint decision (and ideally for him to have the snip!) but can't continue like this forever and have told him it's ultimately my decision, he is not best pleased!

Avoiding surgery is a good idea if you have a thrombophilia, it's a quick procedure for a man, not even a GA. As much as he felt sorry for himself afterwards it did make my OH very apologetic over how he has treated me over the years about it. For a woman it's not so simple.

Our GP asked the same question about your children dying. Maybe it's a topic they are trained to bring up. He said to us that they would advise against a vasectomy if the youngest was under a certain age. 18 months I think t was.

Interesting that some of you (r DHs) were not allowed the op within eighteen months of the last DC, given that mine is having his within twelve weeks. Maybe the guidelines have changed.

Our youngest was 9 months (6 months adjusted). I think the six kids did it for our GP though!

I think I'd have to be held back if it had been said to us!

I don't think anyone was saying people who lost children would want to replace them. I think it is a valid question to ask about a vasectomy because it is about ending your ability to have children permanently. You need to think about things like death and divorce because they can help focus your mind on whether you are really committed to never having anymore children.

It's a totally different thing to how you deal with the loss of a child.

Our GP did insist we waited until our youngest was at least 18 months - we first went to ask when DS2 was 5 months following a pregnancy scare which made us realise we were done at 2 & our baby making days were well & truly behind us. For us, the waiting was a pain in the arse & meant sorting out another coil.

Yes factor v, double chromosome too so on anti co-ags throughout pregnancy and induced to avoid spontaneous birth.

DS is 4 months old. DH also got asked what would happen if our children died. He said they were irreplaceable (not that dead children are replaced, but that's how he saw it)

Thanks for all your responses made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

I think it's normal to have a wibble about putting the baby phase behind you. My friend had a lovely baby about three years ago & I'll admit it made me broody. I was VERY relieved my DH's vasectomy had drawn a line under our baby days, as I was able to acknowlege the broodiness and enjoy cooing over my friend's baby without spending months agonising over what to do about it. I love my boys very much and they are plenty for me - my cup runneth over & all that.

Well I'm sitting here holding the result of my dh postponing his intended vasectomy because of my collywobbles. We'd always been adamant we only wanted two children, but after the birth of my second child, while I hadn't changed my mind really, it just seemed too permenant too soon. So I now have a 6 month old alongside the 2 and 4 year old. I love him every bit as much as his brothers, but I'm so tired, overstretched and permenantly guilty I can't quite be the mother I want to be to each of them. My dh has now had the op, I absolutely know its the right decision,but still I feel a bit sad.

I have one dd who is 1 and I knew after I had her that I was done, I adore my daughter however I know absolutely I do not want to put my body through another preg/birth and am very happy to be mum to one child. My partner would like another however I have said no I will not have another, we have discussed it frequently and I have repeated that another child will not be with me.
I fully accept that he may choose in future that he would leave as I am absolutely unwilling to have another child.
This may make me unfair to some mners however this is my body and life and I have the right to decide whether I have another child or not. Regardless of whether it is unfair to my dp.

YY to being the mother you want to be. My friend who has 3 DC advises stop at 2, she knows how guilty I felt having another baby because I felt like I was taking my time away from DD. From being no.1 in the house and all playtime dedicated to her too well not being. Mummy just sits feeding all day/night, all I ever seem to say to her is gentle/be careful/quiet/don't put it in his mouth!! Poor little thing has had her world turned upside down. To have a third would mean even less time with her.