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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Passive aggressive?

57 replies

lovemenot · 09/01/2014 18:14

Marriage is over.

Last time I tried to have this conversation with him, I was told I was a selfish bitch for ruining dd's life just to get what I want. (I get called a fucking bitch every argument, it's never his fault, only mine etc etc).

I tried again today:

Me to him...

Me: We need to talk soon, let me know when it suits you.
Him: Talk at me, you mean.
Me: WE need to talk, to sort out how to deal with all this.
Him: Well you have your plan so go ahead. (slightly threatening tone)
Me: Fine. I'll email you. Whether you engage or not is up to you.

End of conversation. Grrrrrrrr!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 18:25

Sounds like the conversation is over as well. Sorry about that. If you feel threatened by his aggressive behaviour or manner than do be very, very safety conscious and seek help if you believe it will escalate. At the same time, if you haven't already, take legal advice on how to start the divorce process.

onetiredmummy · 09/01/2014 18:36

Stop trying to get him involved, the decision is made & he has no control over how things play out now. Let him react however he likes, just think about what you want to do..

Get a solicitor involved & they can deal directly with him. If you like, you can tell him if he wants to contact you, he can go through your solicitor. Unless you have to have ongoing access to children then you don't actually have to engage with him at all.

Are you OK? Brew

oopsadaisyme · 09/01/2014 18:41

It is passive aggression -

My (newly) ex would do similar, if I tried to discuss an argument, or talk things out that were important after a disagreement (though instead of 'fucking bitch' got called a 'baby killer' (went through a world of hell after a miscarriage, so was a very good way to 'shut me up', or 'fat cunt, go eat some more cake' after putting on a few pounds -He was very articulate, obviously!)

But he very quickly followed that up with 'I take it back, your fault etc', made it all better of course (sigh!) x

Anyway, being sworn at, then blamed, pretty much passive aggressive (hurt you by swearing at you, then blame you), just a way to try and gain power over the situation -

You seem to be wanting to discuss things as any adult would x

Original poster
lovemenot · 09/01/2014 19:02

I'm ok, thanks. I know it's over and have known for some time. I put off doing anything about it over the festive season, though I have spoken to solicitor and he's ready to act when I am.

We've been to counseling, he walked out when the going got tough. Arguments are never discussed, he never apologises for the names he calls me. Communication is horrendous.

I will email him the options available....ie, sell house and buy two smaller ones, or he move out until dd finished her education (she's 15) and negotiate the sale of the house then, or release some equity from his business if he really wants to stay in this house himself, or spend a shitload of money on solicitors and go to the "womens" court!!

My biggest problem actually is that I can't cry. So I feel like a dam that's about to burst but it won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemenot · 09/01/2014 19:03

oopsadaisy.....I'm glad he is your ex!

OP posts:
oopsadaisyme · 09/01/2014 19:26

love yep, I'm glad now too! xx (getting there anyway, he was a lying manipulative shit (and I'm glad I can say that now and think a bit clearer with him gone) -

Passive aggression can get to someone when you start to believe it -

I did, never again x

Original poster
lovemenot · 21/01/2014 18:38

A brief update to my ongoing saga - Seeing as he wouldn't engage, I emailed him some options about the future. I heard him laugh as he read it. He emailed me back the next day saying it was all my fault, I'm a bully etc etc etc. I didn't respond as I'm no longer debating who did what and who said what. A few days later I sent him contact details for free mediation, asking that he consider it and saying that private mediation will cost x amount. He said he would look at it. Silence since.

Anyway, early this morning he went to Germany on business and did not tell me he was going, nor when he will be back. And it seems he did not tell dd (15) either. (I only know because I heard him on the phone).

OP posts:
Handywoman · 21/01/2014 20:13

Hopefully this business trip will give you time to call tax credits, get other documents organised etc.

ScottishPies · 21/01/2014 20:29

While he's gone could you move all his stuff into the spare room (if there is one) and email him to tell him what you've done. He didn't have the decency to tell you about his trip away, why should you have to tell him about something you were planning to do!

If your feeling stronger, you could pack all his stuff and put it in the garage for him!

Are you able to discuss how your feelings with family/ friends? If you do pack his stuff you may need emotional support when he comes home and realises that you are serious and not prepared to take any of his crappy behaviour anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 20:29

I don't think you should hold out much hope for mediation with this one. Mediation requires everyone in the room wants to work together to keep the costs down. He sounds like he'd be a very hostile participant. Best of luck

ScottishPies · 21/01/2014 20:32

Could you phone his work and ask his colleagues when he'll be backfrom his trip. You could say your planning a supprise meal and want to make sure the timings are right and when you asked H before he went he wasn't sure of the flight times?

Handywoman · 21/01/2014 21:00

Good plan, Scottish

Original poster
lovemenot · 21/01/2014 21:19

I'm already in the spare room! He didn't bat an eyelid when I moved in here.

He is the boss so no colleagues to phone.

He'll be back on Thursday. Is it bad that I'm really not surprised that he didn't tell me he was going?

Having dinner with dd and she announces "oh yeah, I think dad might be in Germany, I think he said something about it last week. I think."

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Handywoman · 21/01/2014 21:21

Do you and dd discuss anything re you and H?

FluffyJumper · 21/01/2014 21:27

Yes, think you should only do mediation with someone you basically trust. Do you trust him?

Original poster
lovemenot · 21/01/2014 21:30

Before I moved into the spare room, I had a chat with her. I told her I was unhappy that dad wouldn't stop calling me an effing bitch every time he was angry, and that I didn't deserve to be spoken to that way.

She knows him fairly well, and she also knows that he doesn't apologise and she tends not to engage with him too much.

By the time this is all over, she will know that she will never have to accept that type of behaviour from anyone.

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Christmascandles · 21/01/2014 21:33

If it were me I think I would've lost patience by now. Sounds like you've done more than enough, stating the options as you see them ,emailing mediation links etc..what do you want to do.?what is your preferred option in all of this .?

I think you ought to start thinking what you want your life to look like moving forward and start putting it in place. I.e put the house on the market and to buy a smaller place for me and dd.

He probably thinks you wouldn't dare do anything.
Just go for it Thanks

ScottishPies · 21/01/2014 21:36

Okay so you have Wednesday to get things clear in your head.

  1. What would you like to happen? eg.you/h get back together? you/h seperate but live close to each other? you/h seperate and never see each othet again? etc.
  1. Review your answer. Are you being honest to yourself?
  1. What steps can you put in place to get to where you would like to be.
  1. Review your preference again. Remember, no matter how much you want him to change he won't THEY NEVER CHANGE.
  1. Start to action your steps.
TheSparklyPussycat · 21/01/2014 21:41

Get that divorce petition filed asap, would be my advice. If you think it is over, it is over.

Original poster
lovemenot · 21/01/2014 21:57

What I would like to happen is for us to sell this house and buy two smaller houses. But.....he bought this house just before we met and even though it is now a marital/family home he has already said to me "why would I want to sell MY house?". So he will not agree until he absolutely has to.

I am self employed with a very small income, and that along with my age will prevent me from getting even a small mortgage alone.

I know he will not change, we have been to counselling, he walked out after 6 sessions, it made no difference. I am done.

I have given him time to respond to the mediation suggestion. Next step is letter from solicitor.

It's funny, I've told him how I feel, I've moved into the spare room, and he has done the complete total of Nothing. Nothing to try to fix it and nothing to end it. You are right, he does think I don't have a leg to stand on and that I'm too stupid to take on the fight.

OP posts:
ScottishPies · 21/01/2014 22:25

Okay, so he is not going to sell the house.
And you think you won 't be able to get a mortgage.

Lets take a step back here.

  1. What legal rights do you have over the house - you'll need to speak to a solicitor to clarify this. Could you do this tmrw?
  2. if the solicitor advises that you wont risk anything by moving out, then the next step is tothink if you really need to buy a house immediately? Isn't the key thing to make sure that you and the dc are emotionally safe and secure. This can be quickly achieved by renting somewhere. Once you feel safe you can then built up your strength to battle with stbxh for your rightful financial share.

It all depends on the legal advise.

FluffyJumper · 21/01/2014 22:45

How long have you been together?

Original poster
lovemenot · 21/01/2014 22:51

Solicitor has said not to move out, that if I show any ability to support myself and dd, then I reduce my claim on the house. Even if I moved out, I do not have enough to pay rent - even with child support.

He reckons that due to my low income it is highly likely that I'll be allowed to stay in the house until dd is finished her education.

H (who has a law degree) will know this. I just have to be ready to give it the final legal push and no matter how nasty he wants to be, he will not want to spend a shedload of money on legal fees (I hope).

It's just so damned hard to take that final step. He's been in control for so long and has such a vicious streak when challenged, that I'm afraid to open the floodgates.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemenot · 21/01/2014 22:52

Together over 16 years but only married four and a half years.

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dunfightin · 21/01/2014 22:54

It is scary, but all is doable.
When you get used to not being sworn at it is wonderful You will look back and wonder why on earth you let anyone behave like that to you.
Just take baby steps. You have the solicitor, you have a couple of days. Make the spare room your haven and your safe space.
He sounds like a right one, so don't expect him to negotiate fairly. It sounds as if he is pushing you to behave irrationally so that he can get to play the sane one/victim in all of this.
Get someone in RL that you can let all the anger and frustration out with, and work on not letting him push your buttons or your DD's.