It's over..just waiting for him to leave (think its all my fault..)

[Saditsover]

P has always had an issue with how much I speak to EXP re:DC. I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't put firm restrictions on how much we speak/email as things do crop up fairly frequently with the DC (both toddlers). It's not excessive by any means, probably 3 emails a week regarding arrangements/behavious issues etc. probably one phone call every three weeks, texts on handover days if we're going to be late/something changes.

P goes absolutely mental if I say EXP has been in touch (he thinks he is intrusive, manipulatie and controlling, I just think he's a very good, hands on dad). But yes in the past he has been a bit controlling, he is quite self aware about it and a good, wholesome person, which I am grateful for, for the DC.

Met up with EXP yesterday for an incredibly business-like coffee as we have school applications coming up and we needed to sort out the schedule or the next few months. The meeting was brief and to the point.
I didn't volunteer this information to P as I knew he would rage. But he knew there was something I wasn't telling him, so I said where I'd been, but even before I told him, he already ended it with me, telling me if he can't trust me and if I lie to him, there's no future. He sees it as a complete betrayal.
Genuinely don't think he's using it as an excuse and just wanted out anyway as he wouldn't be afraid to walk away and isn't cowardly about it.

Question is, although my motives for seeing my EXP were pure, is it my own fault for not being upfront. Or is he a controlling person? I'm so shocked by his very strong reaction and treatment of me, I'm completely faithful and put DC then him first. I guess it is my fault for being a stupid wimp about this. I'm alone again and waiting for him to move out, the atmosphere is terrible so I'm taking DC to their dads tomorrow.

Sorry it's so long..x

'P' sounds very jealous and controlling. It's wrong to be secretive but, if he is making openness impossible by 'raging' then he's simply trying to control you through bullying. That's never acceptable. Better to be on your own than with a bully.

That's it. If he'd been more relaxed about it and understood about the need for us to co-parent then I wouldn't have kept it from him. It just feels so horrible. He called me a slut for meeting up with my Ex even though in the next breath he said he knew there was nothing going on/ nothing sexual.

sounds like you're being the grown up here and he isn't. I am only very re ently separated but ex and I speak/text whenever necessary re dcs and I know it will tail off but if I need to contact t him re DC I will.

I am sorry he has done this to you but he sounds very jealous and maybe this stems from his own trust issues in previous relationships?

So sorry, sounds dreadful. Sounds to me like the current partner is controlling, not the ex. Does he have trust issues generally? Temper issues? None of which helps for now I'm afraid. Stay calm and see if you can talk through once his initial reaction has subsided. If he's generally like this and can't see how bad it is, then life with him would be pretty intolerable long term. Let him go and stew for a while, then see.

I think he does have trust issues Mini; he always said from the outset if he ever has reason to doubt me or mistrust me, then he'll just walk away. Reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels the need to contact EX re: DC when needs be.
I don't see why I can't be friendly and amicable with EXP (he has a new partner and is happy), why is that so unreasonable? I just want to set a good example of how to behave to DC.

Think of it as a lucky escape.

Thanks Megan, it's so horrible. He has both anger and trut issues..I think I just decided to ignore because I wanted it to work, stupid girl.
I'm not sure if he'll calm down, he's so final about things. But I guess if he doesn't then at least I've found out what he's really like. It hurts.

You have the rest of your life to communicate with your ex because of your kids. Do you really want the stress of always explaining this to your dp, it's too draining to go through this all the time.
If he doesn't realize and accept that this is how it will work then you don't really have a future. Btw calling you a slut is disgusting and such an ugly reaction to this is a red flag.

He doesn't have trust issues, he has nasty bullying bastard issues.

I've always been quite feisty and known my own mind, wanting to bring the DCs up like that, but I feel weak and scared. Why am I clingin on to the hope he'll change his min about me when I know deep down he's not good or me or DC? I feel so irresponsible and pathetic

Sorry about the typos, silly phone

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this. My step father was like this, and as we grew up he became more and more jealous of me and my siblings, not just my df.

It sounds like your possessive and jealous 'p' is trying to make you feel insecure, confused and afraid in order to keep you just where he wants you. He calls you a slut and you think it's your fault? His unreasonable and bullying behaviour is already eroding your self esteem, otherwise you wouldn't consider that this situation was your fault at all.

As your dc get older he may start to view them as competition for your attention also. From what you have said of him he does not sound like a good man.

I do feel bullied cogito. And it's flippin exhausting coffee, having to justify any communication I have with EX

Your P is the one with the problem. Don't let him back down and stay!

You are better off rid of a man who calls you a slut.

If he changes his mind and you let him stay it will be the thin end of the wedge. He will be cranking up his behaviour until you change what you do to comply and stop him being shitty or your living conditions are as now so bad you are trying to remove your kids from it.

I'm not sure he is a good man anymore shelves, I thought he was. But he doesn't treat me well. When I say EXP for coffee I got this rush of good feelings; it felt so nice to talk to the only other person in the world that feels about DC similarly to how I do! And I'm genuinely pleased that he's happy with his new girlfriend.

I want him to go now, I've had enough of him hanging around on the sofa in a mood. Grumpy and demanding.

*saw

You're right magoria, he does have to go. I hate the weak bit of my personality that backs down when I feel lonely, it's pathetic, I'll be strong this time. I have to.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as the French say.

You've probably hung on in there in the forlorn hope that this current bloke will somehow see the light re your ex and behave better towards you as a result. Unfortunately such types do not and never do so. He just wants you to himself in a cage of his own making; this bloke likely only cares for himself and getting his own needs met.

Do not back down and let him stay whatever you do. You'd be better off on your own rather than stay with a person who all too casually calls you awful names. I hope this bloke moves out sharpish; do not stop him from leaving.

Good luck op, you and dc will be much happier without his shittiness in your lives.

NC to gladitsover for you now!!
Your boyfriend sounds awful. Dodged a bullet there!

So he has told you it is over and is leaving you but is sitting on the sofa grumpy and demanding.

What is he demanding? Your relationship is now ended so he gets to demand nothing of you. Having said that he shouldn't be demanding in a relationship (I hope that makes sense).

He isn't going anywhere unless you make him is he lets be honest it was all hot air to put you in the box he wants you. He now wants you to 'make it up to him' I bet.

I know it is easy for us to say get rid.

It is horrible to be alone, especially when the DC go off to their dads for the weekend and you are really alone.

You will get there though.

well said Cog!!!

I contact my ex all the time, not even always about dd either.
He is the same with me, and he loves how well me and his new dp get on.

Don't look back op.

He sounds horrible.

You are a good mother putting your kids first.

Hope you are ok, op.

Sounds like your most recent partner is projecting. He's jealous and controlling and this is not your fault. How can you possibly live your life this way for the rest of your life? It's insupportable.