It's over..just waiting for him to leave (think its all my fault..)

[Saditsover]

P has always had an issue with how much I speak to EXP re:DC. I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't put firm restrictions on how much we speak/email as things do crop up fairly frequently with the DC (both toddlers). It's not excessive by any means, probably 3 emails a week regarding arrangements/behavious issues etc. probably one phone call every three weeks, texts on handover days if we're going to be late/something changes.

P goes absolutely mental if I say EXP has been in touch (he thinks he is intrusive, manipulatie and controlling, I just think he's a very good, hands on dad). But yes in the past he has been a bit controlling, he is quite self aware about it and a good, wholesome person, which I am grateful for, for the DC.

Met up with EXP yesterday for an incredibly business-like coffee as we have school applications coming up and we needed to sort out the schedule or the next few months. The meeting was brief and to the point.
I didn't volunteer this information to P as I knew he would rage. But he knew there was something I wasn't telling him, so I said where I'd been, but even before I told him, he already ended it with me, telling me if he can't trust me and if I lie to him, there's no future. He sees it as a complete betrayal.
Genuinely don't think he's using it as an excuse and just wanted out anyway as he wouldn't be afraid to walk away and isn't cowardly about it.

Question is, although my motives for seeing my EXP were pure, is it my own fault for not being upfront. Or is he a controlling person? I'm so shocked by his very strong reaction and treatment of me, I'm completely faithful and put DC then him first. I guess it is my fault for being a stupid wimp about this. I'm alone again and waiting for him to move out, the atmosphere is terrible so I'm taking DC to their dads tomorrow.

Sorry it's so long..x

I didn't think he'd be back last night as it was so late, I un double locked it. I'm so stupid. I think I did it because if he did come back, which he did, I knew he didn't have anywhere else to go and I thought the police talking to him would change things, make him realise how he was behaving...I'm such an idiot.

DC daf is dropping them off at nursery today. He is still here but has taken extra keys like the back door (there's only one), but no rear access. I think it's just that he keeps repeating that he will get me thrown out that makes me believe him. But you're right. I'll have to tell the LL that he was arrested. I'll call Women's Aid. Should I go? Is it safer if I pack up and take DC away from all of this. I'm so exhausted I don't have the energy to move, but I'll do it if it means not being fearful

*dad

How did he get in?
Today you really need to contact women's aid as a matter of urgency. I think you need legal advice which WA may be able to help with.
He can't throw you out of your own home, but equally you can't throw him out. However what you can do is seek legal advice and start the process to get him removed. If you don't get anywhere with WA then call social services. That's your child's home and he's a threat to their safety so they should be interested, do a visit and advise you regarding the legalities. They may get him to sign a written agreement not to enter the house but they don't have much power, you need legal backing.
You could also change the locks, call the LL to tell him why and wait for him to take you to court for access. That's not legal but it might be expedient and I doubt he would go to court would he? If you have records with police and SS of his abusive behaviour I doubt the court would grant him access to the flat over you and the children anyway.
Good luck.

You need proper advice. Don't leave the house if it will leave you liable for the rent for the next X months.

And yes, taking the double lock off was a very bad choice. You need to realise he won't change his behaviour for any reason.

What does he mean 'we're out'? You don't need to go anywhere with him. You r relationship is over, it just needs him to understand that.

Yes phone LL and tell him DP was arrested and has caused criminal damage in the past. IF you wants to stay in the property.

Personally I'd pack and go miles away with the dc. Get new schools/nursery.

Oh sadits - you unlocked the door so that he could get back in 'because he has no-where else to go'? In the hope that the police would talk some sense into him?

Really, don't do that next time! If he has 'nowhere' to go (there are B&Bs, friends sofa, back seat of the car, bus station bench) that is not your fault. It's his. He had a nice little set-up, and he just couldn't help himself fucking it up, trying to controll it all. Well done to you for seeing it and not accepting it.

Morning sad it's a mistake I made many a time. You live and learn .

I actually left my shared rental as after five years of shit of exp I just wasn't up for the fight. But I only only had one dd at that point . I remember him making me shit about the hand over so I felt I had to ask him to come , which is what he wanted. So he hobbled on his crutches very slowly and we were very late, dd was itching to hurry but I couldn't say anything as it would seem I was 'eager' to see him

Not all men are like this, I married the most unassuming,kind trustful man since.

He probably won't contact LL as he may just think this will blow over. Your best bet is to phone LL and talk about what you can do. Some are very sympathetic and may allow you to change locks .

Please don't continue this as it don't get better.

There is another thread where a woman is going through something similar , I'll try fnd it .

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1957943-Why-does-he-deny-the-patently-obvious?msgid=44228695#44228695

OP have you called your LL yet? Do it ASAP, tell him what's happened and say that you need to continue the tenancy on your own and change the locks for your own safety. Bugger the legalities of changing the locks, just do it. As a PP has said, it's unlikely he'll take you to court if you do and even less likely that he'll win.

Also don't want to tar lts of blokes with the same brush ! There are lots of healthy minded men out their too.

Maybe spending time when you can yo find out you are attracted to these men. I did it was a real eye opener!

I second seeking legal advice & Getting help from Woman's Aid .

Also who pays the rent You or him ?

Please don't keep him in your life OP he will not change it will only get worse

www.ncdv.org.uk

Please call the above organisation and try to get an emergency injunction to keep him out of your house.

I believe Women's aid will come and change your locks too if you call them.

Bit worried about the OP. are you ok OP?