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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's over..just waiting for him to leave (think its all my fault..)

64 replies

Saditsover · 09/01/2014 17:50

P has always had an issue with how much I speak to EXP re:DC. I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't put firm restrictions on how much we speak/email as things do crop up fairly frequently with the DC (both toddlers). It's not excessive by any means, probably 3 emails a week regarding arrangements/behavious issues etc. probably one phone call every three weeks, texts on handover days if we're going to be late/something changes.

P goes absolutely mental if I say EXP has been in touch (he thinks he is intrusive, manipulatie and controlling, I just think he's a very good, hands on dad). But yes in the past he has been a bit controlling, he is quite self aware about it and a good, wholesome person, which I am grateful for, for the DC.

Met up with EXP yesterday for an incredibly business-like coffee as we have school applications coming up and we needed to sort out the schedule or the next few months. The meeting was brief and to the point.
I didn't volunteer this information to P as I knew he would rage. But he knew there was something I wasn't telling him, so I said where I'd been, but even before I told him, he already ended it with me, telling me if he can't trust me and if I lie to him, there's no future. He sees it as a complete betrayal.
Genuinely don't think he's using it as an excuse and just wanted out anyway as he wouldn't be afraid to walk away and isn't cowardly about it.

Question is, although my motives for seeing my EXP were pure, is it my own fault for not being upfront. Or is he a controlling person? I'm so shocked by his very strong reaction and treatment of me, I'm completely faithful and put DC then him first. I guess it is my fault for being a stupid wimp about this. I'm alone again and waiting for him to move out, the atmosphere is terrible so I'm taking DC to their dads tomorrow.

Sorry it's so long..x

OP posts:
victimofjealousy · 09/01/2014 18:25

Have NC for this. I had to post. I had a long and fairly painful relationship with a man with trust issues. Recently divorced and so into the idea of being in love that he wanted to be with me all the time. I was flattered but wanted a bit of space. His jealousy forced me into making excuses why i couldn't see him (meeting at work etc), which he then discovered wasn't true by asking a mutual friend. I should have backed away then, or set out my boundaries clearly - i.e. I like you a lot but I need my own space. I didn't want to hurt him as he would always accuse me of not caring, and bit by bit I lied more to try to save his feelings, and to protect myself from jealous fits. I hated myself. Trust me - this will ONLY get worse. Let him walk away now. It took me 7 years to get out of this relationship, and although there were many happy times, his controlling nature made me very unhappy.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 09/01/2014 18:27

Lucky escape if you ask me - help him pack

piratecat · 09/01/2014 18:29

he called you a slut?

about says it all. what a childish man.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 09/01/2014 19:24

Sounds like out of the frying pan into the fire, tbh.

you would be well rid.

anyone who cannot understand the importance of good, friendly communication between parents has no business being the partner to one!

I cant understand how he can try to control you and complain that you ex is controlling!

Original poster
Saditsover · 09/01/2014 20:55

Thank you so much for all your replies. It helps so much.

DC are safe at their dads, it all got horrible..he was up in my face screaming at me so I called the police. He made DD cry.I can't believe this is happening. The policeman stood up to him and he still tried to argue with him! They couldn't arrest him as he hadnt physically hurt me, just been threatening. He's due back here tonight. I know I should go and stay somewhere else but it's my house too and it's all my furniture. Bastard. Have started telling people in RL so they can help me sort this tomorrow. I'm scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saditsover · 09/01/2014 21:00

Thanks for sharing your experience victim of jealousy, I'm so glad you manage to escape

OP posts:
magoria · 09/01/2014 21:13

Can you secure all doors and windows/put keys in locks so he can't get in?

Yes2014 · 09/01/2014 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes2014 · 09/01/2014 21:19

Whoops don't know how that link got in my post! Sorry!
If it wasn't clear- for these guys it's all about control. It's not love.

Original poster
Saditsover · 09/01/2014 22:15

Called the police again as he came back drunk and threatening. They've taken him away. I just feel numb, I can't believe this is happening. Bastard, I hate him. My head just feels fuzzy.
He was crying, saying that he's been victimised because he's the man, when minutes earlier he turned out all the electricity so I was sitting in the dark and had to go upstairs, then he turned it on again. Then he texted my EXP horrible things about me, that I'm an unfit mum. And he said tomorrow he would throw me and DC out onto the street. This doesn't feel real.

OP posts:
Tinkertaylor1 · 09/01/2014 22:22

Oh my goodness.

Who house is the name in?

WhereMyMilk · 09/01/2014 22:24

Be safe, lock yourself in and double lock with key in.

At least he is showing you exactly who he is meaning all of those softer feelings for him will be well and truly gone making it easier emotionally for you to get rid.

Be safe,x

Charlie50 · 09/01/2014 22:32

This is awful. Hopefully they will keep him in a cell for tonight. Can you get someone to be there with you when he comes to get his things? And maybe get the locks changed in the morning. Horrible man he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. Be safe.

Blondeorbrunette · 09/01/2014 22:34

Who's house is the name in?

What are your plans for when your doc return?

What did the police do?

Original poster
Saditsover · 09/01/2014 23:43

It's joint tenancy, he keeps saying that he's going to ring the landlord to get me taken off the lease.
The police arrested him for disturbing the peace (intimidating me), a police officer came back to tell me they promise to call me before he is released as I don't feel safe.
I'm scared because he's different to other men in my life , he's more unpredictable and vindictive.
I think they'll provide a chaperone so he can get some bits.
It's hideous. I don't want to leave the house, we're round the corner from nursery and school in the future. I start my new job on Monday ffs. I can't believe this is happening.

Have double locked the door by flipping the switch and put the chain on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saditsover · 09/01/2014 23:45

DC will stay with their dad to tonight and tomorrow and I we to the grandparents from there. I can't help blaming myself, I've let them down.

OP posts:
Custardo · 09/01/2014 23:51

you've not let them down - you have been a good parent walking away from this clusterfuck of a man

Tinkertaylor1 · 09/01/2014 23:51

Actually he is like a lot of men. He is just a plain old classic wanker bully abuser.

You phone LL and tell them he was removed from property and want to start the lease up in your own name ,

I know what it's like to lie over something so innocent because they will make it in to something bad.

Honestly I used to lie about walking home with the shopping because exdp thought I would be shagging random taxi drivers Hmm I used to get the taxi to drop me off before my street. Then one day he 'caught' me and I sounded as guilty as he'll and I'd done nothing?

He will never change . Only get worse . You have done fab fostering a good relationship with dd df. Do you want this prick round your dd. what if he turns in her?

Have you any ideas what to do next?
I would make house safe.
Talk to LL

Start sorting financial issues out.

Tinkertaylor1 · 09/01/2014 23:52

Cross post.

You have not let them down! You just kicked a wanker out there life!!

Original poster
Saditsover · 10/01/2014 00:07

I'll ring them tomorrow, he'll probably try and call them too. its just so vile, I'm not used to this sort of behaviour. Are a lot of men like this, really?!!
I don't know how to make the house safe other than double lock the doors when I'm in. Thank god DC are away. Thank you..I'll keep telling myself that it's not my fault as the thought that it is, is unbearable. I just didnt know he was like this. I genuinely thought he loved me and DC.
I'll try and sort finances like tax credits and things tomorrow. I think I have something on my head that is a magnet for controlling men. Sorry, I'm all over the place at the moment..have left the lights on so I can sleep hopefully

OP posts:
shallowkitty · 10/01/2014 01:49

Hope he stays away , stay strong and I hope u are okay tonight

AllOverIt · 10/01/2014 05:56

I hope you got some rest OP.

You've had a lucky escape from him.

Evil bullying twat Angry

Original poster
Saditsover · 10/01/2014 07:36

Thank you. The police released him last night when he'd sobered up and he came back here about 3. At that stage I had in double locked the door. He immediately came up to the bedroom and put the light in and told me tomorrow that we're out and I need to pack my stuff.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to go.

OP posts:
teenybash7 · 10/01/2014 07:49

I started reading this thread and wanted to post quickly 'please let him go - it will only get worse' but read the rest and am astonished at the speed it has.

It's awful for you now, but I am so glad that he's shown his true colours - you know now that he's a horrible, controlling bully.

If he hadn't and you'd patched things up it would be so much worse.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position and hope your rl friends/family can help you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2014 07:54

I think you should talk to the police again and also Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. He cannot throw you out but you can get him removed because he's violent. BTW if you double-locked the door how did he get up to the bedroom? You should not be alone.