Can a man ever really change?

[bofski14]

I have been with my partner for just over a year, in which time we have bought a house together and we have a six week old baby. Admittedly things have moved very quickly but it was love at first sight and we are madly in love. A few months into the relationship he told me that he loved me but that he should stay away from me for my own sake as he would end up hurting me. He said he wasn't a good person. I persuaded him to try and see that he does deserve happiness. He's been married before which ended quickly and was not a good experience for him and this has left him with little confidence and a complex about himself that he is unworthy of love. Lately he has been quite patronising to me asking if I'm stupid or telling me to go grow a brain if I don't get what he's saying straight away. He's told me to F off, he's shouted at me quite a few times and last night called me a c*nt. He says he's sorry and that he doesn't mean it and I genuinely think he's sorry. He says he loves me and he doesn't know why he's sabotaging everything. I have our daughter to think of. I don't want her growing up in a broken home but I don't want her witnessing this behaviour either. I feel so trapped because whatever I do, she ends up losing out. I have given up work to stay home and raise our baby so I feel very insecure. I feel like he's pushing me away and I'm scared I will stop loving him and the feelings won't ever come back. He said he wants to change. How can I help him? Can a man ever really change? I want to keep my family together.

A year? And he's already abusive? You should have listened when he told you that he was a shit because it sounds as though the 'love at first sight' phase was out of character and what you're being treated to now is the real him.

If he wants to address his behavioural problems, great, but you tell him he does it on his own time. Get yourself and your DD out of there before he hurts you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

re this comment:-
"A few months into the relationship he told me that he loved me but that he should stay away from me for my own sake as he would end up hurting me. He said he wasn't a good person. I persuaded him to try and see that he does deserve happiness".

That was not down to you to do; you simply cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship and you have done both here.

How do you know that his marriage did really leave him with little confidence etc?. She may well have got rid of him due to his abuse of her; do you really know why his marriage ended?.

Do you really know each other even now, do you think that you both got together far too quickly?. Your own position in a legal sense is also very poor.

Such people rarely if ever change and you are on a hiding to nothing if you remain with such a flawed individual. I doubt very much he will change, he has already told you all too clearly what he is like and you have allowed this to continue also.

Would you be still together if you did not have a child?. I doubt it very much. You and your child deserve better frankly. I would talk to Womens Aid; you will never be happy so long as this man is around you day to day.

I'm sorry to say that this is a classic pattern with the abuse stepping up a gear once you've given up work and have a new baby.

What support do you have in place - friends and family? Have you given up work full-time or are you on mat leave?

Can you talk to your HV about this?

Sadly this isn't going to improve and you need to make plans to leave whilst protecting yourself.

His marriage ended because his wife cheated on him. He can be the nicest man in the world, he's an excellent father and he provides for us. Most of the time everything is great. It's just this nasty side that comes out now and then. For example, last night it started because he said he'd joined a lottery syndicate at work that would be £40 a month. I said I thought that was a bit much and we could put the money to better things. His argument was that he earns the money so will spend it as he likes and we wouldn't miss it. He does earn good money and in a way, he's right. I might not have noticed if he hadn't told me. But the issue is as soon as I said I thought it was a bit much, he took this as a personal attack and got really defensive and that's why he had a go at me. He says he's defensive because he never had an opinion or any control on his marriage so now he is exerting his authority but it's a little too much for my liking and I don't want to be punished for something I haven't done.

He will not change if he can't see any action being taken over his behaviour. It will be best if you told him to leave.

Better for a child to be brought up in a "broken home" than with a 'broken' Mummy? Really, you don't want your child witnessing it's Mummy being abused.

Check out the 'Entitled to' website if you want to see what financial help you are entitled to or speak to Women's aid.

I don't really have any family support. My father lives abroad and my mother is married to a man I can't stand which causes tension to say the least so I don't go to her house. I have my brother who lives down the road. I don't really have any friends, just acquaintances. I worked part time and now I'm on Mat leave. I suffer with fibromyalgia so I'm not even sure I can manage going back to work after my leave runs out. His family are lovely but I couldn't tell them about this. I think he genuinely wants to change. I really do. I know I sound naive but maybe he's been damaged by his past. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on him but I don't want to be a doormat either.

You barely know the guy. You were pregnant within weeks (days?), and you gave up your job to depend on and raise a child with a virtual stranger, who has already shown himself to be a manipulative flake, and is now being emotionally abusive.
You need to open your eyes and realise your 'relationship' doesn't actually exist.

I don't really have any family support. My father lives abroad and my mother is married to a man I can't stand which causes tension to say the least so I don't go to her house. I have my brother who lives down the road. I don't really have any friends, just acquaintances. I worked part time and now I'm on Mat leave. I suffer with fibromyalgia so I'm not even sure I can manage going back to work after my leave runs out. His family are lovely but I couldn't tell them about this. I think he genuinely wants to change. I really do. I know I sound naive but maybe he's been damaged by his past. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on him but I don't want to be a doormat either.

I don't really have any family support. My father lives abroad and my mother is married to a man I can't stand which causes tension to say the least so I don't go to her house. I have my brother who lives down the road. I don't really have any friends, just acquaintances. I worked part time and now I'm on Mat leave. I suffer with fibromyalgia so I'm not even sure I can manage going back to work after my leave runs out. His family are lovely but I couldn't tell them about this. I think he genuinely wants to change. I really do. I know I sound naive but maybe he's been damaged by his past. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on him but I don't want to be a doormat either.

FWIW I fell pregnant after 5 months and my child was very much wanted

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
amazon.co.uk/dp/0425191656

Link won't work as I'm on a mobile. You need to read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. Please read it.

Just over a year + 6 week old baby suggests a very quick pregnancy. Anyway, the point stands. You don't know him in hot water and that's when people start to show their true colours.

Would he go for counselling? Does he know he has a problem?

Do you talk about stuff and why he's being like he is?

Textbook. When he told you he should stay away and he was a bad person he was setting you up. When you complain about his behaviour in the background for both of you is always "well I did warn you, you knew what you were getting yourself into".
Also the "poor me, I've been hurt" line. He's just full of excuses isn't he?

Are you sure his wife cheated? Are you sure she didn't just get tired of his abuse and kick his sorry arse out?

This won't get better you know, it's early stages but he's seeing what he can get away with right now and he's going to push and nudge at your boundaries till he gets things just the way he likes them.

Fuck Him Off. Can't be anymore succinct than that.

If you don't want to be a doormat then great. But that means not accepting pathetic arguments like he's earned the money so you don't get to say how it's spent. Also means you don't make his excuses for him with ideas like damaged pasts and so forth. When faced with a bully you have to be very, very strong and challenge, challenge, challenge. Never back down or think it's your responsibility to fix or save him. Once you start down that road you are sunk.

In the meantime, do everything you can to not be dependent on him. Have your own money, get back to work as soon as you can, form a strong social circle of friends. Right now a big reason why you're still there is because you don't think you have a choice.

He does recognise there is a problem. In November I was packing and ready to leave but he persuaded me to stay and said he'd go to counselling. He said he would try anything but he doesn't know where to start and to be honest I don't know either. I've suggested he sees the GP. After my baby was born, she was quite poorly and we had to stay in hospital for a week and so he was home alone. I thought that week alone would have made him realise what it would be like if we left and he said he missed us terribly. Things were ok for a while but I've had two of these explosive episodes since Xmas.

And thank you for the book recommendation. I will try it. I am wary of contacting Women's Aid. I don't want them to think my baby is in danger or to involve SS. His ex wife is a social worker in our area and I would be so ashamed if anyone in real life knew about this.

All of the reasoning for his bad behaviour seems to come down to his marriage.

You want him to change OP obviously, but does he want to? At the moment he doesn't even want to take responsibility for his own behaviour...

xpost with OP: it's good that he's willing to try counselling.

But realistically - if he goes via the NHS he'll get 12 sessions of CBT.

If he goes privately he'll be forking out around £30 per session.

Self change is a very long slow process, and you've got to be absolutely committed. That's where the crunch will come. And realistically, he may not follow it through.

WA won't think your baby is in danger or involve the SS if there is no need to do so. Is your baby in danger?

You need to leave him. I'm sorry - but it is very clear and the damage will get worse if you stay with him.

You need to get out as soon as feasibly possible before he escalates further and before you feel so trapped you're in fear for your life - and before your daughter sees any more abuse.

She will be next, probably.

I am really sorry.

No my baby isn't in danger. He has never been violent to me and is a very doting and kind daddy to our girl. It's just me that gets the brunt of it verbally which at times is quite shockingly hurtful. I'm glad she has no idea what he says. That's why I want to get this under control now before she's old enough to see. My parents are divorced (no violence-affair) and it was horrendous which is probably why I'm trying so desperately to keep us all together. I just want to belong in a family. When he's mean to me, it makes me not like him and I'm worried that I will leave one day and it will be his fault and I'm so mad at him for that. I feel like he's taking my family away.

Can I ask why your parents divorce was so horrendous?

I do read that here a lot: my parents are divorced so I've decided to stick with this man who has affairs, hits me, calls me a cunt etc.

I mean, was it the divorce itself that was horrendous or the way your parents dealt with it?

He will change if he wants to - I doubt he does.

You can't get someone else's behaviour under control though... that's entirely up to him.

Once he sees what how big commitment the process of self-change involves - financially, mentally and emotionally - he may not be keen..

Your baby doesn't understand words yet, but babies are hypersensitive, she will pick up on the emotional tension between you. It won't be long before she begins to understand words.

Yes, you're right - he is taking away your family, your hopes and dreams.

he is a wanker.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that because he may not like himself when he is horrible to you, it is Ok, and he can change.

He can't. It would take years of serious therapy to change a mindset that is as damaged as his.

And that would be in someone who WANTED to change. He sounds like he thinks he can get away with it because each time he does it, you have stayed and this gives him permission, as it were, to up the ante. It also diminishes the respect he has for you (if there is any to begin with).

There are two ways to do this. Stay, and have a wasted half life treading on eggshells with a person you resent and fear in your house, and around your daughter, - or leave, and deal with him as best you can, and move on to the life you deserve - maybe with someone new, eventually, but for now, with your little girl and in a place of safety without this arsehole dragging you both down.