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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a man ever really change?

55 replies

bofski14 · 08/01/2014 15:19

I have been with my partner for just over a year, in which time we have bought a house together and we have a six week old baby. Admittedly things have moved very quickly but it was love at first sight and we are madly in love. A few months into the relationship he told me that he loved me but that he should stay away from me for my own sake as he would end up hurting me. He said he wasn't a good person. I persuaded him to try and see that he does deserve happiness. He's been married before which ended quickly and was not a good experience for him and this has left him with little confidence and a complex about himself that he is unworthy of love. Lately he has been quite patronising to me asking if I'm stupid or telling me to go grow a brain if I don't get what he's saying straight away. He's told me to F off, he's shouted at me quite a few times and last night called me a c*nt. He says he's sorry and that he doesn't mean it and I genuinely think he's sorry. He says he loves me and he doesn't know why he's sabotaging everything. I have our daughter to think of. I don't want her growing up in a broken home but I don't want her witnessing this behaviour either. I feel so trapped because whatever I do, she ends up losing out. I have given up work to stay home and raise our baby so I feel very insecure. I feel like he's pushing me away and I'm scared I will stop loving him and the feelings won't ever come back. He said he wants to change. How can I help him? Can a man ever really change? I want to keep my family together.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/01/2014 12:56

but for now, have him leave and live elsewhere while your dad is here so you can spend some nice time with your dad. then consider the future.

cestlavielife · 09/01/2014 12:57

you cant help him change it has to comefrom him witha good therapist. you can support if he goes on that journey but unless you are a CBT therapist you cannot help him, no.

and try some counselling even a few sessions for yourself too.

Diplopoda · 09/01/2014 13:04

''Textbook. When he told you he should stay away and he was a bad person he was setting you up. When you complain about his behaviour in the background for both of you is always "well I did warn you, you knew what you were getting yourself into".
Also the "poor me, I've been hurt" line. He's just full of excuses isn't he?''

This ^^
Classic abuse - draws you in, shows true weak-as shit-colours, blames you,down ward spiral, repeat repeat.
Get out now.

meditrina · 09/01/2014 13:12

I think it is very important that you return to work.

As you are not married, you need to keep an independent income. This is true for all, but seriously importantnt for you. You need to be associating on a regular basis with people who will treat you with respect so you see, every working day, the difference between normal interactions and how he is treating you. Do not let yourself become isolated.

Meerka · 09/01/2014 13:45

Yes, do return to work if you can. It gives you the confidence of earning your own money (specially if you're with someone who can be off about money) and it can really help your self respect - and it lets you speak to other adults in a job-orientated setting.

If you have got to the stage of feeling dead inside it will take a lot longer than 6 weeks to rekindle anything ... IF it's possible to at all. 6 months minimum, more like 18 months. Sorry, it's a long time but 6 weeks is very little to hold your temper in.

If, if he can change at all, it will take a lot of time. As madeofstone says, it's a very hard job.

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