please someone hold my hand, just confronted H on online affair and other problems

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Posted about this just over a week ago. H has been having an online EA for about a year, on and off. Has also been trying to contact other women online, as far as I can tell unsuccessfully. There's a whole bunch of other stuff in the background I'm unhappy about (he's moved out of family bed, drinks too much, is generally very critical of me and my family, tells me I don't do enough housework etc.) We have a nearly 3-year old.

I've confronted him about this woman before. He totally denied and I swallowed it, largely because didn't have the energy to deal with it. Confronted him again last night, said I knew he was lying, had hard evidence etc (which I do).

He has reacted saying a) he can't trust me anymore (because I snooped) b) that this proves he needs to move out and c) that I'm paranoid.

I'm gutted. Somewhere in the back of my mind I really hoped that he would say "I'm really sorry, I love you, lets make this work." Not a bit of it. I know instinctively that his behaviour proves that he needs to ship out but for half an hour last night I found myself wondering if he was right and I was just causing fights, being paranoid and driving him out.

I just feel, right when I should be feeling brave, really really wobbly. Am absolutely dreading telling our DD. Feel really really low. Can someone give me a good talking to?

EA also stands for Emotional Abuse, and he is twisting things to absolve himself of responsibility for the consequences of his shitty conduct towards you.

I'd be ready to bet good money that the distance between you, the constant fault finding, and the ruination of your sexual relationship coincided with his decisions to seek friendship (and more) with other women. It's a way of making the primary relationship bad in order to justify actions outside it, and/or being emotionally invested outside the marriage to the extent you are no longer aware or bothered about the state of it.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. His first reaction (unless based on shock of discovery and utterly and rapidly reversed) shows that he isn't interested in remaining in the marriage.

He seems remarkably keen to leave.

Is he actually going?

scaevola thanks.
He's asking for a bit of time to build up some savings before he leaves. But he does seem to be keen to get out.
I feel awful. I've known this was coming for weeks/months. Thought I might feel a sort of catharsis. Just feel awful and mainly because of our DD.

also by the way was using EA to mean "emotional affair" but I realise it also stands for "emotional abuse." I think both are probably relevant here.

Just desperately want not to screw things up for my DD at the moment.

It's Ok, I knew you'd meant Emotional Affair. I think both meanings apply.

And I doubt it would be wise to let him stay to "build up savings".

You might want to see a solicitor before tackling the admin of separation.

Do you have any RL support?

its not you.
he is not interested in staying married, he wants to fool around. he couldn't take marriage.
you are not wrong, paranoid. please don't upset yourself. you will be lots better without him.
you don't need to tell your dd right away, first recover yourself.
wish you all the good luck.

I agree re not letting him build up his savings - remember this is FAMILY money, not his.

He is twisting things round to make you look like the bad guy so ignore him and remember its HIS actions that are breaking up the family.

No, it's not you.

Get rid of him and don't give him time to build up savings or you'll end up caving in and letting him stay. Tell him to go to one of the women he has been contact online. I am sure they will be delighted to have him. NOT!

agree lekkerslaap. well said.

Thanks all. I know that I am finally starting to be strong and that I'm on the right course. It just feels like s* now.
And I really want him to have a relationship with DD so I want him sort himself out and get something appropriate so my DD can stay with him. I don't want him floating from girlfriend to girlfriend. But I can see that letting him stay to build up savings isn't going to be much fun.

And breathe....

I agree with scaevola's summary. It is never a good feeling to end a relationship but you'll feel worse if you let him drag his heels. You're already having doubts, feeling guilty and the danger is you start back-tracking and lose your nerve. You've caught him red-handed so use situation to your advantage and demand he leaves straight away. DD will accept anything you tell her at this stage. Good luck

He can have contact with DD. That's down to his effort.

He's betrayed you both, and you need to value yourself and her more than this.

Tell him to go asap. He can go stay with a mate to build up savings.

Don't let him stay, so he can save. It's family money, it's his problem. He needs to go, the sooner the better.

He can't trust you? That's rich coming from someone having an EA. He's laying blame on you. Don't let him.

Longdistance I know, I know... but its surprisingly persuasive. Particularly as I know that in a trusting relationship snooping is bad. I know the end justifies the means etc but it still leaves me looking like a paranoid, controlling witch.

That's how he wants you to feel. You aren't.

OK snooping is bad. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that. But you can't now 'un-know' what you know and pretend nothing ever happened. 'Paranoia' is the fear of everything and isn't rational. You had suspicions and you acted on them... totally rational. 'Controlling witch' when applied to a woman demanding basic respect simply means 'assertive'.

He's dragging you down. Don't hold his coat for him while he does it. Stay strong.

Be strong. Make him leave. He needs to know the grass isn't greener. Maybe sleeping on couches will open his eyes. Sounds like he's having it all his own way.

It doesn't make you look like that at all. It makes you look like a strong woman who is prepared to look out for herself and her child and not stand for being badly treated.

It is not up to you to maintain his relationship with his DD. That's his issue.

I don't want him floating from girlfriend to girlfriend. Again, not your issue. If that's what he chooses to do, as unpleasant as the thought may be for you, it his choice ultimately.

Get him out now. Really. You deserve better and have no obligation to allow him to save up for a new love nest with whoever.

Agatha I know but I desperately want to make his exit as smooth as possible, not just for my dd but for selfish reasons too: I want him to be as helpful as possible with childcare/finance.

Given his past behaviours though, can you actually see that happening?.
He's already being unreasonable here and will remain so.

This silly man is either going to throw away his marriage based on an online affair, or he is going to remain with you, a foot in both camps whilst he decides wonders which is the best way to go/whether it will really work with the OW. Its not about building up savings. & even if it were, you arent there to facilitate his affair whilst he saves up enough money to leave you! What a ridiculous notion.

He is like a silly young man with a crush and delusional grass is greener mentality. Get him out. All the things you are saying I want him to be as helpful as possible with childcare/finance, I don't want him floating from girlfriend to girlfriend - what makes you think YOUR actions can actually guarantee HIS actions/reactions? There truly is no point in trying to second guess and/or guarantee his actions. You cant.

If you let him sit around he will see no reason to change. You need to give him a short sharp shock. Get him to leave asap. If he is going to have a change of heart then thats the point at which he will have it - nothing will change if you simply allow this to go on dictated at his timescale, and dont do anything to change his circumstances so he can take full responsibility for what he's done.

MistressDeeCee I know. I know everything you say is right. It's just really really tough at the moment. And while, based on his present behaviour, I'm past caring about the marriage, I really don't want him to break our daughter's heart.

thanks everyone.