please someone hold my hand, just confronted H on online affair and other problems

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Posted about this just over a week ago. H has been having an online EA for about a year, on and off. Has also been trying to contact other women online, as far as I can tell unsuccessfully. There's a whole bunch of other stuff in the background I'm unhappy about (he's moved out of family bed, drinks too much, is generally very critical of me and my family, tells me I don't do enough housework etc.) We have a nearly 3-year old.

I've confronted him about this woman before. He totally denied and I swallowed it, largely because didn't have the energy to deal with it. Confronted him again last night, said I knew he was lying, had hard evidence etc (which I do).

He has reacted saying a) he can't trust me anymore (because I snooped) b) that this proves he needs to move out and c) that I'm paranoid.

I'm gutted. Somewhere in the back of my mind I really hoped that he would say "I'm really sorry, I love you, lets make this work." Not a bit of it. I know instinctively that his behaviour proves that he needs to ship out but for half an hour last night I found myself wondering if he was right and I was just causing fights, being paranoid and driving him out.

I just feel, right when I should be feeling brave, really really wobbly. Am absolutely dreading telling our DD. Feel really really low. Can someone give me a good talking to?

He must have thought he'd pulled the wool over your eyes after brazening it out the first time you confronted him. Accusing you of snooping etc is kind of missing the point. He's not a guest in some hotel with you acting as chambermaid and nursemaid to DD. He has been absenting hmself from normal married life. He may be very good with DD and hopefully even separated he will want to maintain a good relationship with her - but don't let him use her as leverage.

Perhaps he has some notion this online carry-on somehow doesn't count. How do you really know he's not fixing up encounters with other women, going off and coming back as he pleases? As he clearly thinks the world is his oyster let him have free rein, put his case on the doormat. Be calm and cool, say that as you are evidently cramping his style, he will be better off staying elsewhere. If he is a good father he will understand that whilst your relationship is over you have no wish to prevent him from seeing DD. Arrangements to see DD that disrupt her normal routines as little as possible can be managed. If he is as cavalier about being a dad as he was about being a H, the sooner he goes the better.

OP yes - of course its tough at the moment. A bolt from the blue like this would knock anyone for six. Its awful. However there is a 'but' in every response you've given generally on here. Now its I don't want him to break DDs heart. Again - as if you have a certainty that YOUR actions will categorically determine HIS actions. There is no way on this earth you can predict or control a person's actions in this way. I hope you have good friends and advice to help you see, a man so into an EA that he will dump your relationship isn't exactly a man invested in his DW and DD, and that you & DD will be unhappy anyway if you let this man mess your life around; DD is going to become very aware that things aren't right at home, and that's not very stable for her. Don't you want better for yourself,than this? & for your DD as a girl who will grow into a woman and be in a relationship herself one day, not to see a dysfunctional relationship played out before her eyes? & tbh I'm still at a loss as to how/why you feel you are actually able to determine how this man will behave towards you/DD once relationship has ended, in an "if I do this, he will do that" kind of way?

You're in a traumatic situation. Its not easy to just say "ok, he has to leave" and then promptly dump his cases outside. It sounds as if you'll have to get him to leave shortly however; as you'll feel a whole lot worse in time to come if you don't stop the 'buts' and deal with the situation that's staring you in the face. For the sake of yourself and DD. She needs you as a mother its not about pinning your hopes on a man suddenly becoming a brilliant father, when he's plainly shown you he's prepared to leave and live apart from DD's day-to-day life anyway. His EA is his priority. You & DD are not. The shock of telling him to leave may somehow bring him to his senses, you never know. Right now though he isn't invested in your relationship, everything is going his way so he's doing exactly as he pleases whilst making you feel bad. You don't deserve to live this way. Good luck, and I hope you have RL support and guidance at this time.

MistressDeeCee I haven't told anyone in RL yet. Maybe this is part of the problem. I'm very very proud about this sort of thing, have always been phobic about talking to friends about this, can't ever talk to family about it etc. I know its irrational but I regard it as a sign of abject failure. I also feel that I don't want to talk publicly about problems inside a marriage unless those problems become insurmountable, so generally I've buttoned up about stuff until its been "resolved." Maybe things are now apparently past the "point of no return" I should speak to someone.

I have other stuff I have to be on top of as well starting new job soon etc and worried about not having any RL support but the thought of telling people literally makes me feel nauseous.

Be brave. I think you know it's time to move on. Maybe sit down and make a plan of action. Speak to a trusted friend. It won't be easy - but you will,get through it.

Can I suggest that you make it your goal to tell one person in the next 48 hours. Once you have done that, telling the next person will be easier and so on. You have to get over this hump of keeping it to yourself. You need support, but unless you give yourself a deadline of speaking to someone about it, I think that you will just rumble on and eventually this will get swept under the carpet.

Other posters are right when they say it will be so much easier for your DD to do this now as you will be able to shield her from the worst parts of this.
My Ds are 13 and 10 and I haven't been able to shield them from very much at all sadly from finding out what a selfish prick their Dad is. It is very much harder on them and I wish this had happened years ago for their sakes.
You sound like you are still hoping he will come to his senses, but you will feel much better if you take some control back and make some decisions for yourself and your DD .You have been given some good advice on here it is now up to you, good luck.

Mrscaindingle I know. I am very aware of this. In some ways I wish I'd done it when she was even younger.

He certainly has your self esteem on the floor. It happens to the best of us!

I second scaevola. Actually I think your best bet for any outcome you want is to find your rage and chuck him straight out. He is a mess, and he is dragging you down with him.

Ffs, how can you be described as paranoid and untrusting, given its clear he isn't trustworthy. The longer he stays there, the more he will mess with your head and have you thinking you are responsible for his shitty behaviour.

You aren't. You never were. Oh, and looking for confirmation of infidelity you already know on your gut exists, but will be denied by an EA DH, does not make you the shitty betrayer instead of him.

Voicing it can make it seem more real. Two adults with a marital crisis is not unusual, I don't think you'll hear the word failure from the lips of the friends you tell.

Divorcee and single parent. You may shrink from the labels. Growing up you may have thought that there was some kind of stigma attached; this isn't what you signed up for. DD will still have two parents, you don't need him to validate your role as DD's mother. Living with you she won't be raised in a home with a tense atmosphere. She won't have her parents warring in whispers or face angry silences.

If you share a confidence with a friend, you don't have to paint them a picture, simply say that sadly you and H have reached the end of the road and are separating. It is not going to be anyone's business to know specifics unless you feel able to disclose more.

Donkeys I know... and I'm sure when I do get around to telling people they will be supportive. I'm lucky in that I have a fair amount of old friends who I know will be supportive, albeit they are not all that near.

I've always had this belief call me old fashioned that within a more or less healthy relationship (I mean excluding situations like DV/serious EA or cheating) too much talking out of school is a) disrespectful to your partner and b) boring for friends. But he's really crossed that line now....

I have listened to so many conversations with friends saying "I'm going to leave him" again and again and again and not do anything about it. It's kind of wearing.

So I've just decided to come onto MN and do it here instead! :)

desperatelyseekingsolace (Im probably going to get flamed here!) but much of what you say comes across as you having a need to control. ie you want to control how your husband is when he leaves.You 'hold in' in a controlled way, rather than possibly letting a close friend or relative know whats going on so you can get a little RL support. Lots of posters have given good and caring advice but you dont seem to have much of a response to it. Yet youve manged to be specif in what you want your husband to do and also what you dont want him to do, once your're not together. You talk a lot about what YOU feel you can do - but not up to the point of leaving this man so you and DD can have a better life. Im not saying whether you are right or wrong to do this just that its very noticeable, to me. Having a need to control everything wont always make yourself - or others - feel good. Either way its a rotten situation you're in and the best thing in time would be to take yourself and your DD out of it. Control or whatever else it is, doesnt matter more than that.

desperate nothing clever to add but sending you lots and lots of love, hugs and strength. I too made a discovery on Thursday and it's made my head and world spin.

I too will be facing the 'how could you snoop?' convo when I confront P tomorrow evening. He'll milk it to the max.

Purple sorry you are going through this, it's horrible. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. "d"h has been in a sulk with me since I confronted him and every time I have talked to him to try to find out why it happened he turns it around to make me the criminal with accusations that I am a bad mother, attempts to rake up ancient examples of my once having flirted with someone in a bar (this supposedly happened and I don't remember it at all in the first three months of our relationship so if it is true it's hardly comparable.) He is making me question my sanity.
Do you feel able to talk about your situation?

Mistress fair enough, you are probably right. I have been putting off telling people. I am absolutely dreading people, to be honest. Nearly told my dad yesterday but bottled it.

It's so funny - they pull out the 'you've snooped' card; How dare you think that he's got something to hide or done something? What a bitch you are for looking for 'evidence'! Even when you find it, you are still in the wrong! Not him, oh no.

There's paranoid, and there's good reason to suspect...

captainmummy that's not even the worst of it. What's been even harder to take is the torrent of verbal abuse he has unleashed since I called him on it. He has criticized literally everything I do: he said I am bringing our daughter up wrong, that I am stupid because I can't drive, that my family are bullying him (even though my mum is terminally ill and my dad is disabled and struggling to cope on his own after having to put her in residential care.) I am also dirty apparently and not ambitious enough even though I earn more than him by about a third.

Stay strong.

DSS - well of course he is being a vile bully. He is now telling you how useless/stupid/dirty/lazy you are, to deflect from his pathetic short-comings. He had an online affair? It's all your fault; somehow.

He can't blame himself for the breakup of your relationship, because that would require a degree of thought and introspection that he doesn't have, so he hits out wildly at everyone and every thing, even your ill and disabled parents. It means he doesn't have to look at his own behaviour, while he's distracting everyone with yours.

He will never be in the wrong. That's your place. Nothing he has done will be wrong, ever. He will never accept any blame.

Tell him that if you're so awful, that he'd be best off leaving.

Tell him to go. You'll not be cheated on, AND insulted by a cheat. That's a step too far!

desperate it's scary how similar our 'D'P/H's sound...

I'll get the same...you violated my privacy blah blah to try and override the huge huge betrayal. I'm anxious about it as I don't know what I'm walking into tomorrow evening.

I would love to talk...I expect there'll be loads to talk about on Monday after our chat.

Will read this thread properly in a bit as only skimming on my phone at the mo!

I have started a thread if you want my back story...Shaking and feel sick...

Big hugs for you xxxxx

He doesn't trust you. That's a good one. Time for a solicitor. Good luck. You don't believe it now, but you will come through this.

Can you link your thread Purple?

Gonna try captain. On mobile and a bit rubbish!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1962936-Shaking-and-feel-sick

Did I do it???