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Relationships

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Original poster

How long does it take, on average, to get over a crush?

24 replies

CrushyMcCrushCrush · 08/01/2014 02:02

Because I've had a really big one for the last 3 months and I want it to stop now. No good can come from it, I'm married with dcs.

I think of this person all the time, feel miserable when I can't see them and elated when I do.

How long should I expect this to last?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 07:53

Probably until you successfully divert your attention into something else. Crushes can be harmless fun but if this one is affecting your ability to lead a normal life you'll have to take action. How do you come into contact with your crush?

Original poster

CrushyMcCrushCrush · 08/01/2014 08:14

Thanks. It doesn't feel like fun which is why I know it needs to stop. Actually we are friends but due to practical circumstances now no longer really come into contact very often. That is, I know, probably a good thing, but it doesn't feel good at the moment. I worry that it's more than a crush sometimes, but whether that's the case doesn't really matter as nothing can happen.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 08:25

Then I think you have to stretch 'not much contact' to 'no contact' and, at the same time, find ways to make your life/marriage/self more absorbing and satisfying. What is it your friend represents do you think and how can you have more of it in your life if the friend didn't exist?

Original poster

CrushyMcCrushCrush · 08/01/2014 09:19

Yes. The contact situation is sorting itself and we will hardly ever see each other, but we do keep in touch by email although that is getting less too. I am not sure exactly when or why the friendship became something more - for me that is. Some people just get under your skin I think. We certainly became very important to each other which is as it should be with friends - I miss the easy and interesting conversation, the many things we have in common, the laughter, support etc. You can't just suddenly get all those things immediately elsewhere. My marriage is fine but we have stresses too, like everyone.

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 08/01/2014 09:22

I miss the easy and interesting conversation, the many things we have in common, the laughter, support etc. You can't just suddenly get all those things immediately elsewhere.

Yes, that is very true. But you can start building up other sources in your life for those things. Would it help you to start listing possible options here?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 09:26

Easy and interesting conversation you can get anywhere. What is it that turns this into a crush?

Original poster

CrushyMcCrushCrush · 08/01/2014 09:31

I don't agree that you can get that anywhere, actually. I have lots of friends but only very few who really "get" me. Isn't that the same for everyone? I don't know how this has developed into stronger feelings but it's got a bit out of hand and I'm not thinking clearly anymore.

HotDAMN any ideas welcome! I haven't got much beyond waiting and hoping the feelings fade.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 09:43

'Getting you' is quite different to easy and interesting conversation. 'Getting you' means that this person makes you feel valued and interesting as an individual, there's an emotional connection and you can be the 'real you' that maybe you suppress normally as you go about your other roles... wife, mother, colleague, whatever. That's what I mean about what makes it a crush.

Does your husband not 'get you'?

Thants · 08/01/2014 09:49

Does this person show any interest back at all? If they do you won't be as to get over it. If not then maybe a year. Annoying but that's how long it's taken me to get over the annoying crushes I get

Original poster

CrushyMcCrushCrush · 08/01/2014 10:29

Yes DH gets me too, there's really no issue there apart from dealing with family and life/work stresses. DH is wonderful actually.

My friend is pretty amazing too - attractive, intelligent, interesting, kind etc. I feel truly privileged to have this relationship which is why I am miserable about the lack of contact now.

Thants there has been nothing but friendship back, nothing inappropriate at all. We both used to make an effort to spend time together often, but like I said, due to work and accommodation changes recently this can't happen much at all anymore. A year seems a long time!

OP posts:

procrastinatingagain · 08/01/2014 10:35

I was also going to say about a year, sorry . My recent one took about that long, and now it's ended, I really can't understand what all the fuss was about. It's so nice to be back to normal and on an even keel. Hope you recover soon.

macygracy · 08/01/2014 12:07

I am in similar situation, however I know it's mutual. For those that say a year, is that a year of no contact? What if this person keeps flitting in and out of life?

procrastinatingagain · 08/01/2014 12:12

I saw my crush 2 or 3 times during the year. Just to say that we had kissed on one occasion, then he wasn't interested, but I thought I was at the time. Was probably just pissed off to be rejected though tbh . I'm not in a relationship by the way, and neither is he, which made me feel a lot worse about it all. Anyway I'm fine now.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 08/01/2014 12:19

What if this person keeps flitting in and out of life?

You have the choice whether you let them.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 08/01/2014 12:22

I mean, you obviously don't have the choice whether they contact you, but you can be unavailable / say no / decline events where they will be, etc.

Original poster

CrushyMcCrushCrush · 08/01/2014 13:04

procrastinatingagain glad things are better for you now. I will prepare myself for a year then! Ugh.

If my friend were to suggest meeting somewhere, which is quite likely, I am not sure that I would be able to say no. The thing is that we are friends so nothing unusual about meeting up - the problem is all in my head!

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 08/01/2014 13:33

I am not sure that I would be able to say no.

Then you are feeding the crush and lengthening the amount of time it will take to get over.

Understandable. But within your power (and yours only) to choose to say no.

procrastinatingagain · 08/01/2014 21:13

Thanks crushy. Hope you get back to normal again soon too. Why do things have to be so complicated?

GhettoPrincess001 · 09/01/2014 04:19

It can take years. However, it does take effort. You can't imagine that, 'what did I see in you' moment. However, it comes....eventually.

Despite being in a relationship I was still jealous of the person he was dating. (She had chased after him like a rat up a drain pipe and flattered him into a relationship. Not least financing their shared business venture and also paying for a week's holiday to the Caribbean.)

She also once asked me outright if I was seeing him. Me not understanding the question replied that I was not scheduled to. It later dawned on me that she meant in a romantic sense. She knew I was married. Maybe she'd seen the spark in both our eyes ?

I once met up with him at an agreed time and place for legitimate reasons and wasn't wearing my wedding ring for safety reasons. He noticed this and by the look on his face he thought all his Christmases had come at once.

However, I put integrity above all else. I wanted his respect in the long run and also my marriage. So that's exactly what happened, absolutely nothing.

It gladdened my heart when I saw on his daughter's facebook page the photos of his wedding to someone else.

stillgoingon · 09/01/2014 11:39

Mine has been going for 1 year 3 months and is as strong as ever. In that time I've laid eyes on him once and had no other direct contact. Despite this, I'm pretty sure it's mutual but have no idea of his intentions.

Neither of us are married but both have children and live with our longterm partners. We've known each other 20 years and nearly got together then but I was with someone else. By the time I'd split up with him, he was with someone else and she was pregnant. I got on with my life, eventually met someone and had my own children.

When we met again a year or so ago it was very evident that the spark was still there strongly. Almost irresistable in fact. Yet, no action has been taken by either of us, which is right.

I won't have an affair physically, I'm aware that I may be having something of a onesided emotional one, hard to say. Life with my DP is OK but I haven't been that happy since I went back to work after my last child. If I hadn't run into him again, I would probably just be ticking along in a slightly unsatisfied way.

I'm not sure what will happen. Probably nothing. But if he ended up single I'm not sure what I would do.

In the meantime, I do get some enjoyment from the fantasy and boredom alleviation, but a lot of frustration too.

GhettoPrincess001 · 10/01/2014 00:09

stillgo - your last sentence resonates with me

Charcoalbriquettes · 10/01/2014 00:37

Ignoring his emails feels empowering. It is something you can do to get yourself over him.

Charcoalbriquettes · 10/01/2014 00:37

Ps not that I did ignore his latest message

Tonandfeather · 10/01/2014 02:01

There are infinite possibilities that you'll meet people who 'get' you. That's not strange at all. If one or two people have in a lifetime, why not anyone else?

However there are times when people make it their business to 'get' you and folks who have a physical crush on eachother have a hell of a propensity for "mirroring" so that it LOOKS like they 'get' eachother, but it's not real.

It reads to me like you're hoping he'll suggest meeting up, you'll pretend it will all be fine and platonic, while secretly imagining him leaning in for a clinch.

Face it, you'd have no willpower if he did and you'd carry on pretending that you hadn't meant for it to happen.

If you REALLY don't want an affair with this guy then steer clear. But I think the most realistic hope is that this guy doesn't want an affair with a married woman and won't push it, because you sound too far gone to have any willpower.

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