Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

[brusslesprout]

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

Sounds a nightmare Bonsoir. Your whole day taken up .

Here in the UK, at least once they're in school, the day is uninterupted.

If I had a partner, my expectations would be that they contribute in a number of ways, it could be bringing in income, or domestic / diy, I wouldn't be too worried, as long as I felt the contribution was equal to mine in terms of hours put in.

It would be lovely to have someone sharing the domestic load, I'd probably value that more than financial contribution tbh.

DH and I have almost always earned pretty much exactly the same. We've been penniless students together, debt-paying grads, and then got to our 30s with a fairly high disposable income.

I think that it has been an ideal situation, that has made life very easy for us. It's always been clear that we contribute equally, we've had the same expectations of our lifestyles at any given time, and we've both always kept financial independence. As a result we don't really argue about money. I've never had the problems that friends have had, where their DHs see the wife's job as less important, or don't take equal responsibility for house work etc.

The down side is that it took a bit of mental adjustment for me to get my head round the massive change to our situation that maternity leave will bring. We've went over 12 years without ever needing to consider a lot of basic questions about what we consider fair (e.g. can I spend £100 on a haircut every month, if I'm not earning anything?). We needed to iron out things like this before TTC, but luckily did pretty much agree.

The plus side is that he automatically assumes parenting will also be done equally - e.g. sharing some mat leave, both going part time after, etc, which suits me entirely.

If his income doubled around now though, I think I could handle it...

There's a difference between being a child carer - eg being 10 and having to look after a parent with MS for example, which I agree is horrendous – and being 14, 15, 16, 17 years old and being expected to do a few chores and pull your weight in your home.

Apart from anything else it's responsible to train your DC in the realities of what running a home involves – both genders. It's not child labour, it's preparation. I'm not sending my 3yo up a chimney but I do teach my DC how to cook, do laundry, pick up after themselves etc and involve them in things like food shopping. And when they are older they will be expected to play a part so they can get some practice at this stuff. And yes, if you refuse to do that for your DC, I do take the moral high ground, I'm sitting up here in my judgy pants right now!

Yes and no. Lots of working parents eat with their DC at lunch time at least once a week. Typically parents and grandparents and nannies share out the lunch times. DP also has lunch with DD and DSS2 (different days because different schools). The nightmare scenario is for the poor DC who do have to eat at the canteen every day as it is really grim.

To me it is more important that we have the same approach to financial matters; when we met we both earned about the same and each had our own house (& mortgage ). Over the years he has earned more and I have been a SAHM. Now we earn considerably less between us but we still have the same values - ie: important to save, make pension provision, not waste money etc etc. In over 25 years the one thing we have never rowed about is money .

When my DD's older she'll be expected to do tax returns and have sex with her DP - I suppose you've got your judge pants on because I'm not making her practice and expect her to do educational and fun children's stuff instead?

bonsoir's point is that your children don't suddenly stop needing a parent at home because they've entered full time education. So far, the reason given for this is because they need guidance and discussion. So, I'm curious what happens in the six hours per day these teenagers are out of the house. If bonsoir had said she was at the spa or "doing house things" I wouldn't have needed to ask.

Ahem. Last night I got my DC to go through my expenses box and put the receipts in date order .

I was in two minds to ask them to input them in my spread sheets...

I wish I had. My accountant and the tax man are waiting.

When my DC aren't at home (and there aren't six uninterrupted hours - I'm lucky to get 2:15) I do all sorts of things, including work appointments, food shopping, seeing friends and running errands (lots of these). Certainly not gyms or spas .

It doesn't matter at all to me, which is very fortunate as he's been out of work for about 2 years now.

I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to be able to cover all the household bills myself, if not we'd be in a bit of a pickle.

In contrast to those of you who like that your DH earns lots of money so that YOU can spend time with your family - I go out to work so that we can BOTH spend quality time with our family.

I don't understand how people can be happy in relationships where the DH works all hours God sends to bring home a sufficient wage for the wife to stay at home and be - to all intents and purposes - the sole parent.

DH could be earning a great deal more than he does, but it would involve very long hours and travel and time away from home. That wouldn't work for us. He would hate not seeing the children and I would hate having to do all the parenting myself.

So we both work, on reasonable but not spectacular salaries, in jobs that are flexible enough for us to share the care of our children.

We're both in a position to step up to something more lucrative if the other ever lost their job and we lost one of those salaries.

When I met him I didn't especially care about his future earning potential, but i did care very much that he was committed to family life and willing to share the stresses and rewards equally.

For me I rent out property. So I am I suppose 'working' without actually having to do much other than deal with occasional issues from tenants and my Tax returns. I don't feel I am teaching my daughter that work isn't important, as we have a steady income, and I hope I can pass on the same houses to her to rent, so she will also have the same regular income. I would probably only do this on my deathbed though, so hopefully she would have already had a fully fledged career to support herself by then. I also know that when she goes back to school I will probably get bored. I could choose to spend hours in an office doing a monkey job or I could enjoy my free time. I don't know what benefit it would have to be stuck in an office feeling like a gimp just to prove to DD that I can wear a suit I think I would rather start an OU course!

OP
Change husbands.
Get a new one who earns shedloads of money and can treat you.
There is a thread here about this at the moment.
Maybe you can get some tips and make some new friends there.

oh no
clicked on the wrong thread

I don't feel like a sole parent because my DH earns a good wage. He earns well and sees the DC every evening and weekend. We do parents evenings, school meeting etc together and he does all the footie stuff with DS3.

We'll it shouldn't matter, but of course it does. Dh and I were both in low paid jobs when we met and it didn't matter but we were young and didn't have children. Now we both work and we both earn reasonable money so we have a decent standard of living.

Now, if I were looking for a new relationship I wouldn't be looking for someone who wasn't able to fully support himself to a reasonable standard. I could probably be just about financially independent so it's not a case of wanting to be kept, or wanting a man to pay for me to stay at home. I guess id be looking for some equality. Earnings would certainly be a consideration.

Thankfully, as that all sounds incredibly mercenary, I'm married and hoping to stay that way.

Wow, I can't belive how shallow some of the posters are.
Even some members who I respect, I've a totally different view of them now.

By the time my DW was expection our first I was earning £16k pa. with a £45k Mortgage & Bills.
We had £50 per month mad money.
On those finances we decided that my DW would be a SAHM

So no, it didn't matter.

To those who think differently.....REALLY!!!!!!

You don't know how lifes going to turn out. I would never have guessed my unemployed, in debt boyfriend would turn out to earn a really good salary. We just worked our way through the last 20 years supporting each other and being a team. Life has been challenging, probably the biggest is my son's disability but we pulled together and the money thing just sort of happened.

I agree it depends on individual circumstances and aspirations. A lot of people are quite happy on a not very high income that meets their needs. Others are always discontent with what they have even if it seems to be quite a lot.

Andy, your mortgage was less than 3x your gross income.

I believe household income matters, not the amount any one partner earns, but lots of people are more stretched than your example and that causes tension.

Out of interest Bonsoir, what age do you think DC have to be before they don't need you to be a SAHP anymore?

Some people think DC need a SAHP or childcare equivalent until they are 11 years old, some people believe it to be nearer to 16, others believe DC need a SAHP or equivalent until they are fully grown adults of 18.
Since your DSS is at university, he must be over 18, so out of interest, how old would he need to be before you would consider WOH?

I don't know! All I know is that at present I am uber busy with things I cannot outsource. We'll see how that evolves.

Lioninthesun, it is people who do "monkey jobs" that earn the wages you scrounge off to support your lifestyle. Maybe have a bit more respect for people who actually contribute to society for a living.

Not sure that DCs have much to gain in talking through their career choices with parents who themselves have little or no experience making their own way in the world. Surely they can just google job guides and get more information than these parents would have? Personally I think children should learn to be independent when they get to, say, their early teens instead of being mollycoddled and being turned into mummy's boys and girls. Surely this turns them into adults who are more resilient and resourceful.