Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

[brusslesprout]

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

I like quality time but one of the benefits of being on less momey is lots more time to yourself as childcare funded. I enjoy the break tbh so am retraining but have purposely waited as its silly earning more when kids are small unless its v high income.

It does matter to me how much dh earns and it also matters to him. Unfortunately we all live in an expensive world and having a family is a costly business. You only need to read threads on here about people not being able to put the heating on. I'm sorry but that cannot be an easy way to live and must cause a lot of tension. Money gives you choices.

When I met dh 6 years ago we earnt similar ish amounts, he now earns about twice that and I'm a SAHM. He had a terrible childhood and his achievements are entirely down to him working his arse off at college and uni without any familial support and then working really hard in his profession.

What attracted me to him is that he is ambitious and forward looking and this extends to all aspects of our lives, eg moving house, career moves etc etc. being motivated and successful often go hand in hand and I for one could not be with someone who is happy plodding along and just settling

If dh lost his job tomorrow he would take any job he had to pay the bills but would always be striving for the next thing and that is what I find attractive.

Some people are not "plodders" (nice word ) but just may be in jobs where there is not a lot of money floating around and employment is insecure - e.g. publishing, bookselling, arts fundraising or the charity sector.

I think it's fair to say that it doesn't occur to many starry-eyed 22-year-olds when they get together. If you meet your life partner in your 30s or 40s, it's probably something you are far more aware of.

It's probably a bit sexist to expect the man to earn more, but that is how some people think. If it's important to you, and a dealbreaker, then you should not complain if the man wants to consider something equally old-fashioned and borderline sexist as important to him - your cooking and home-making skills, for example... Or your breasts.

I imagine huge earning power is pretty low on the list of attributes most of us blokes look for in a woman. Near the bottom, I'd say. It just isn't relevant.

I always knew my dp would never be a huge earner as he was a musician for years and thats just how it was. But I did know what I wanted for us as a family and as long as that happened I am fine. I am more interested in my own career and financial standing than someone elses.

Bonsoir I have to take exception to your assessment based on my own experience growing up.

My mum worked, my parents divorced when I was a teenager and I had to take on a lot of responsibility for my younger siblings. I did school runs, I shopped, cooked and cleaned while doing my A-levels. I went to Oxford, got a first and have a much-envied career.

While I don't mean kids should have to go through what I did, I do think they should be contributing to chores and running the household as they get older, yes even when there's a lot of studying to do. There shouldn't be more for you to do when you have almost-adults around to help.

Also, I'm not sure it's good for teenagers to know someone is not WOHM just so they can be there for them and pick up after them all day. Especially when that person is almost always the woman because it gives them that dodgy role model. I'd say if you can find a balance, it's better in the long run for children to grow up seeing parents of both sexes doing as many different jobs as possible. I'm glad my DC know that me and their friends' parents have all kinds of jobs, including the women. That's the "setting" I want their minds to be on – that they can do anything they set their minds to and gender doesn't come into it.

Lastly there is such a thing as part-time work. It would be ideal if most of us could avoid working excessive hours and the work hours could be more fairly divided up and much more flexible, so that people could work and be there for their kids when needed. Eventually more employers will grasp this.

DadOnIce the question wasn't "do you love your partner because they can provide for you" but whether a partner's earnings are important. Add dh holds half the earning potential in this family of course the answer is yes. Anything else would mean that we weren't working together as a team.

This will continue to apply add my business develops because it influences where we can afford to live, savings, holidays etc.

That didn't mean I don't love him for richer or for poorer, just that our respective earnings have a big impact on family wealth.

My husband earns about half of what I earn. And he's never been good with saving so came into our relationship with nothing (in fact, a bit of debt which I helped him pay off), whereas I had saved and had property too. It does mean we have to consider things like how we will manage when we have kids and I'm not working (he could be a SAHD, but that's not actually what either of us want) and also when we married we had a long talk about whether we should have a pre nuptial agreement of sorts. In the end we didn't bother but it was something we both had to be very honest about. Though the difference in our salaries doesn't make me love him any less, and I like to think I would have fallen in love and married even if he wasn't earning at all, I'm not sure that's 100% honest.

I am surprised by the amount of people who say what their DH's earn doesn't matter. I've read so many threads where people are saying they really want to move as their family is squeezed in a small house or the local schools are shite, or they would love more money to take their DC on holiday, on more days out, buy more Christmas presents etc, not eat value food all the time. What your DH or DP earns has got to have some influence on these things. I don't see how the thread has to be about the usual old SAHM v working outside the home mum debate.

Yes it 'matters' because we have taken family decisions that mean my career is at a standstill. I worked part-time when the children were smaller and now need to be the one that drops them at school and picks them up from the childminders. We needed me to work locally to integrate us into the new town we chose to move to. All these factors mean that I am not in a position to advance my earning potential at the moment, so my husband's earnings pay the majority of our outgoings. In a few years I should be in a position to do further training to finally have a career rather than a job.

It's not what makes me love him, but life would be very hard for all of us if he didn't bring home what he does.

I like quality time but one of the benefits of being on less momey is lots more time to yourself as childcare funded.

WTAF! Are you being serious?
I really hope that I have misinterpreted what you have written because your posts makes it sound like you happily plonk the kids in state funded childcare whilst you go off and have some 'me time' without any concerns for the fact that the state cannot afford to pay people to have 'me time'.
I've nothing against funding childcare to enable low paid people to work, but your post doesn't come across that way.
I really hope I have misunderstood this.

You have to pay for full days anyway norude so its just convienent.

Wow, so many people judging their relationships, and that of others by earnings. Now that's shallow!

We have enough to live on plus more, but we are no different in our attitudes to each other and our own value within our relationship. When we first started out with hubby earning £55 on his apprenticeship and I was working a 60 hour week in a factory to keep us afloat. Now his job rewards well and I'm coming to the end of a long stint as SAHM. His value to me is no more now because he's the breadwinner now and I certainly didn't mean more to him in the early days because I was. I'm ending my SAHM stint because it's not enough any more and I want the satisfaction and challenge that working brings, but that will come at the cost of less quality time. Wages have nothing to do with our decision for me to return to work as we are doing nicely without, I may very well end up in voluntary work. Not sure yet but think that might be most satisfying.

Whatever happens, who we are to each other is not affected or defined by earnings. So sad that there are so many shallow people out there for whom earnings mean more than simply being able to afford to live.

DadonIce I think the point about starry eyed 22 year olds (or whatever age with no commitments / mortgage / whatever) is spot on.

It did occur to me when I met DP at 21, but then I knew what I wanted for myself, knew I was going to try for a good graduate scheme in a large organisation. I wanted someone with a similar outlook (non-necessarily grad scheme, but with some kind of career plan or goals). This is wider than jobs or money, but work ethic & ambition is certainly part of that.

I look at a lot of my friends and think more people should have conversations pretty early on about what they want and certainly before getting a mortgage together or having kids. I've seen so many people with wildly differing expectations of what their lives will look like post-30 / when they marry / when they have kids and it can cause huge resentment.

It is silly earning more if it puts you just out of tax credits or over the threshold to get CB.

Just as there's bugger all point in many women going full time if all they are earning is the increase in child care.

Women waffle about doing it because it will be worth it once the DCs are at school. Truth is wrap round child care is almost as silly as nursery and holidays can be impossible. Plenty of women and yes it is almost always women, end up working part time forever.

Lets be realistic, its women in a couple who are usually younger, take maternity breaks and it's women who miss their DCs and feel guilty.

So of course it matters to most of us what our male partners earn.

Do they care what we earn, yes if it's needed to make ends meet and yes if their own job is insecure. Funding everything as my DH does is very stressful in the present climate.

QueenThora - I wouldn't wish your teenage experience on anyone but I take great exception to people taking the moral high ground about contribution to the household and it being so good for teenagers. I don't agree - child labour is illegal for a reason and child caters, of whom there are far too many, are to be pitied and helped out of their sad circumstances, not held up as role models.

bonsoir let's pretend that having a job means you can't have meaningful talks with your 15 year old child and that the female parent therefore can not work. What do you do between the hours of 9 and 3??

When DH and I met we earned similar, but my earnings always had the potential to increase significantly more than his and they have done. It matters to me that he does not have hang ups about me earning far more than him.
In fact, it would make my life easier if he did not WOH, but he wants to and i am fine with that.

Well, it matters because he earns a lot more than me (he's a GP, I'm not a consultant yet) and we've gotten used to the level of income. Truthfully, I would like my income to match his, but I would have to go back to full time work then which isn't possible for me right now as I'm caring for relatives. I am determined to never stop working, and will keep my hand in as long as I'm healthy. I would never risk being a stay at home mum as I'd be too scared of being completely financially dependant, and I'd have to re-train if I stayed out of medicine too long.

Logg1e what does it matter what Bonsoir does between 9 and 3? I'm a SAHM and spend my days seeing friends, spa and gym days, doing house stuff. My family doesn't need any more money so I don't work. My DH pays about 70k in tax and a year so I feel like our family is contributing to society.

Dh earns less than me in a low status job. I'd like him to earn more and have more status because that would make him happy (and the extra cash would be nice).

However, I'm very happy with our lifestyle in that neither of us works long hours or has a massive commute, or has to take large amount of work home, or is on call in the evenings or holidays. We have loads of family time and aren't particularly stressed at the thought of work when we're not working. In this we're far more fortunate than many of our friends who have one partner on the big bucks, working away, with long working hours and never fully detaching from work, and the other carrying most of the parenting role at home.

Currently dh is on additional paternity leave with ds2. He's off for another 3 months and it's been one of the best times of our lives together I think. Unfortunately we can't afford for him to be a SAHD permanently. Maybe I should be more ambitious... .

I think we have the balance more or less right for us as a couple.

School hours aren't 9-3 where I live - DD does 9-12:30 and 1:30-4:30 on Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri and DSS2 does 8:20-6:00 most days but comes and goes a bit in the middle. And DSS1 is at home from university right now. There is no concept of a long uninterrupted day here. DC need lunch.

I truly hope DS meets someone who sees him as an equal and shares everything including a work ethic and financial contribution.

This thread shows lots want a partner with a work ethic, ambition and money to finance their life yet them give their partner none of that in return. Being a SAHP is not a job and most adults have a house to run and clean, and strangely most manage to work as well.

Its not a great message to send out to children is it really, sons you need to work hard if you want a wife and daughters theres no point bothering at school or uni just look for a rich man so you dont have to work

All that running backwards and forwards to school makes me feel giddy even thinking about it Bonsoir.

Is there no canteen? What do the DC do whose parents work?

You can do very well at school, go to university, have a career and be a SAHM. I have. Life is a journey with many different stages.

There is a canteen but very few DC eat there every day of the week. DD eats there if no-one else is available but it makes her uber-grouchy at 16:30 ie we all pay for it. DP never ate at the canteen even once as a child and doesn't like the idea of his DC eating at the canteen unless exceptionally.

I think the DC learn much better when they get a break from noise and screaming at lunch time.