Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

[brusslesprout]

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

The only reason, and it's the only reason I'm a SAHM is whist I have always worked full time. My paid, travel cost and the nursery fees meant we'd be losing money about £300pm. So we made the choice for several years I would stay at home and bring up children.

I'm bored and would love to return to work. Don't get me wrong I love DD, but there is only so much arts and crafts / play-doh one can do DC2 arriving next week. DH and I have decided that we'll take a view on me working towards the end of the summer and go from there.

I'd love a PT job, however the pay is shit. If I'm going to go back to work it has to be worth it financially. If I can contribute to paying the whole mortgage every month that would be amazing. I know DH does feel a huge amount of pressure as the sole wage earner. We make it work.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with children (whatever age) asking their parents for advice. The problem only arises if they are not able to problem solve without asking others because it isn't a skill they they have ever needed and therefore haven't developed.

Teaching is stressful IMO because it is, by and large, an environment where you have to reconcile huge differences among people (staff and students) in terms of intellect. It is hard to get large institutions of disparate minds working in harmony.

Much easier to be in a highly competitive field where the less quick witted are not around to slow things down.

There is a massive difference between talking through your preoccupations and choices with other rational adults, and leaning on others to solve your problems. Not the same thing at all.

It is rarely a good idea to try to solve problems entirely on your own.

I get pissed off as 'friends' who do judge me as a sahm. But most of them have huge mortgages, and both parents have to work. We have a small mortgage and manage financially very well. I don't tell anyone that, nor do I judge them. Sometimes they admit they envy me. Sometimes I envy them, their own money, being with other adults. But the thing is its choice, our life is ours to live how we choose, end of. It boils down to, are you happy, if not change it!

And Georgie, my dh is the high earner we never see! But he would be like that whether we had cd or not, that's how he is. It was hard when they were tiny, now not so much. ( although being the only homework nagger is hard)

Geckos That was similar to my experience as well.

Now more than 10 years on, the same people are telling me how 'lucky' myself and DP are, which gets my goat no end because these were people who had similar backgrounds and opportunities to myself & DP, but made different choices.

Similar values around money and work ethic and general ethics are more important to me.

Since we've been together we've had periods where I earned significantly more than dh, where I was a sahm and he earned a good salary, where he was starting a new business, I was still sahm and neither of us earned anything (that bit was scary!), and now he is earning a lowish salary (hopefully on the increase!) and I work part time and don't earn much. I'm hoping to study for a new career in the next couple of years and dh is very supportive of that too.

We both consider each other equals - we both pull our weight in this family - it's about contribution not income. And (within reason obviously) we both feel job satisfaction is important - neither of us would want the other to slave away in an unfulfilling job for the sake of a few extra quid - but both of us would be willing to pitch in and do whatever if the finances were utterly dire.

I think we are both quite driven, but not so much by money but personal achievement I suppose.

One thing's for sure though, not having much money is pretty stressful! There have been studies that have suggested that above a certain level, more money doesn't make you happier though.

For me it does really matter but not for me to be able to stay at home but in order to have choices about education travel home etc. have always worked and have had situation where supporting my exp I lost all respect for him and I can second the post which says how hard stressful it is to be main bread winner I wouldn't do it again. I see too many posts on here where women have been left in financial poverty after their partner leaves I would nt give up my independence and my partner wdnt want me too either important to keep that because you never just never know what may happen.

Doesn't bother me at all. When we got together he earned more, though I caught up fairly quickly. He spent the better part of seven years earning absolutely nothing as a SAHD and, quite frankly, it was the best thing for both him and our family. I much prefer the chilled out happy man without work stress but with little money than the man who despised his job and felt trapped.

I earn far more than him (mainly due to my lack of a career gap) and, while he's gone back to work, he earns far less than before, but he's in a lower stress job.

I also think it's good for our DD to grow up in a household where the main income earner has swapped between both partners and where the nurturing and the earning role has been as much her father's job as her mother's.

I'm speechless at some of the replies on here!!
Liking being looked after, and earning potential meaning women cut off their own potential financial independence.... it's so sad, for the men in these relationships and the women.

I could be financially independent tomorrow if something happened in our marriage, or DH's health, or his family.... and that's all that matters really. My DH earns less than me, but is much better at all the house management stuff. He's not that ambitious - just caring.

I think in my friendships, the women that I get on with and want to be friends with have this kind of equality as well, mostly. So I'm shielded from women who think like many of the posters on here do - fortunately. For me and for them.

My mum was the main earner, and her sister. Those are my role models, and I'm very proud of them.

Bonsoir.

Where does your step children's mother fit into their upbringing?

She takes them on holiday from time to time.

Yes. My relationship is being strangled by DP's failing business, which he won't let go of. It's taken 10 years but it killed the relationship in the end.

I didn't really mind supporting him before we had DC - I earn enough to support two people quite comfortably, but not five. It's terrifying being with someone who is in his late forties and the thought of savings, pensions, etc really hasn't crossed his mind.

If we split up, the DC and I will be ok, because I am good at making money and good at managing it. I suspect he's going to get a very rude shock when the power and the phone get disconnected, because he's still dreaming that his ship will come in.

The short answer is, it depends.

It depends on how much you earn, how you feel about what you both earn, what you want to do with your lives and your life-style and ethics.

If he doesn't earn much but is working his way up and has ambition then no it doesn't matter. If he doesn't earn much because he didn't go to college/Uni and now has limited employment opportunities then yes it does.

If he earns less than you will he come to resent you? If he earns a lot more than you, will he look down on you and see you as a drain on his finances?

I've been with high earners and low earners and I have to say that life is easier with a high earner.

The point up-thread about how we would react if our roles were reversed is a good one.

I started a business on the side and it pays more than his about half the time, when I only work on it for half an hour a night and a couple of hours on the weekend. I feel that I haven't been able to grow my business - which quite clearly has a lot more potential than his - because I've had to earn the solid, dependable wage.

I am only now realising exactly how far apart our attitudes are. I would walk away from a failing business after a year at the most, probably closer to six months. I am happy to try, fail and move on. He, on the other hand, would rather walk away from a family than his business.

Sad, but there you have it.

I think my partner is good at managing money and would make an excellent SAHD as he doesn't mind staying at home (I hate it have to work or I go stir-crazy). So in that respect me earning more is a good thing.

What bothers me is he has more savings than me and seems proud of this but it's only because I've paid more of the bills than he has that he's been able to save more.

I know it's OUR money and when you're a team that's how you should approach it but it's hard to get my head around it sometimes.

No, I'd be happy with a low-earning but enthusiastic DP, or a high-earning IF he still did half the housework/childcare. I don't want a high earning absent partner. DP's job is in a sector where there are high paid long hours jobs but he instead works flexibly/locally for a more modest salary and I like this about him, both personality-wise (he's very relaxed about life) and in terms of childcare support for me. I would never want to live on a man's salary anyway, I like paid work, so the DP's earning power is less important than his family and domestic contributions.

Being financially sensible is important, not being in debt, not spending stupidly. That would be a dealbreaker, if a partner were financially incontinent.

It definitely didn't matter when DH and I got together because he had nothing. He was unemployed, staying in a relatives spare room and massively in debt. First date was a packet of crisps and an orange juice in a pub. I paid the 5% deposit needed for our first house and for most of the wedding. Fast forward nearly 20 years and I'm a SAHM and DH is a very high earner and I think it does matter to me because I love my family's lifestyle. If he were to lose his job I would be super supportive, look for a job, cut back etc but life is so much easier without money worries and being able to plan treats and have a lovely home.

It certainly makes our lives now easier that dh earns well (he's a GP).

When we got married I was teaching full time and he was a medical student. Over the years at different times we've both had time out of work (mainly by design, e.g. to study) and got by.

His earnings made it easy for me to be a sahm for a while. I became disabled 2 years ago and get HR dla, and his earnings have meant I haven't had to enter the ghastliness of ESA and job capability interviews etc. It means I can work part time in the charity sector and volunteer at a local anti-poverty project at our church. Stuff in the house takes me a lot longer these days, and my time at home is well used for the benefit of our whole family. DH works very hard and the hours are long, but the holiday allowance is great and we spend lots of time together as a family. I'm able to be home when the dc (10,11,13) get in from school and I'm really appreciating that time with them - due to after school clubs its a different mix every day.

So - our lifestyle (and we really aren't extravagant!) is more based around quality time, and that's what dh's earnings give us.

Financially incontinent... That made me chuckle.

Yes, quality time is definetely a bonus. I was glad to be there when my DCs arrived home from school, able to attend all school plays and events, lots of quality time in school holidays too, and also to a great extent able choose my part-time self employed working hours to fit around family life as thats just as important to me as paid work. DCs are late teens now - but I wouldnt have missed their growing years for the world. Thats what OHs salary enabled..security, quality, family time together. Thinking back though around 18 months after we got together he was struggling in a job he absolutely hated, and I encouraged him to leave; its not worth the emotional stress and unhappiness (which would impact on us all) going into a job you hate daily, year after year. So, he left and we just got by until he found another job.

Yes, quality time is key. Being around when the DCs are around and not having that time constantly encroached upon for mundane chores and errands is great.

We have very similar attitudes to money and ambition. DH is pretty driven, and wouldn't be happy as a SAHD. I get that - I woudn't say I was hugely ambitious, but I did spend about 3 years at home and was pretty bored.

At times I have earned nothing (retrained as a lawyer, and mat leave), and also had hugely reduced income after career change...and he has supported me. The money is in one pot! When he changed career, I supported him (although he did have a big redundancy pay off to exist on). We live within our means and are both very happy with the situation. For the record, we both earn almost the same amount at present - I have just caught up, and may well pip him if I get a bonus this year. It is friendly competition, and if I get a bonus, we will jointly decide what it goes on (as we did with his pay off).

I didn't want a "rich" DH, but I have one who does earn pretty well, but is a great Dad, good at DIY and not bad round the house. If he had decided to retire (at 45) with his Navy pension I would have been gobsmacked - neither of us would have been happy. I like my lifestyle, and our attitudes to life and finance mean we can afford it.

Equally, he wants someone who is happy, and working makes me happy!

Contrast this with my brother who earns about £110k, whose wife is financially incontinent and that is the major reason they are about to get divorced.