Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

766 replies

brusslesprout · 07/01/2014 23:52

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 12/01/2014 17:15

I earn more which is very useful when telling older relatives to piss off when they suggest I should be at home with the kids

I love that, legoplaying.

I've come across as a traditionalist old fart on this thread. I'm not, I just think women should jointly chose whether they work or not with their partner depending on their circumstances, and fuck off everyone else with their input. They know nothing about how your relationship/family life works best.

Geckos48 · 12/01/2014 17:35

Yes bowler exactly.

Some of the scathing comments directed at folk making a valid decision for their family and harming no one have been just appalling.

JugglingBackwardsAndForwards · 12/01/2014 18:29

It's not how I'd judge a potential new partner, but finances are quite an important aspect of life and lifestyle I think.
And I think it's still often easier for men to earn well than for women, especially if the woman has the lionesses share of child rearing Smile

Between us we're just about breaking even ATM (but possibly not quite, which is a worry)

NearTheWindmill · 12/01/2014 19:46

I agree with bowlersarm and hope I haven't come acoss as too much of a cow on this thread. I think it does depoend on individual/family circs. I just think that sometimes these change and itks good to have options. I am by no stretch of the imagination a feminist - I think Hmm

Crowler · 12/01/2014 19:48

I can appreciate that if you've never been a SAHM and you're working mother juggling it all there's a temptation to judge. Who wouldn't. I have undoubtably an easier life than my husband does now on balance, but he knows me so well and understands that I'd do whatever it would take for my family should our fortunes sour.

I've been the breadwinner before. Without that, I probably wouldn't be comfortable "taking liberties" as I do today. My husband is just a nice and generous person and wants me to be home with the kids & having a nice time after having worked very hard in our early years - hence my "underemployment".

Logg1e · 12/01/2014 19:52

Near, I am by no stretch of the imagination a feminist

Heck. How do you define "feminist"?

Twinklestein · 12/01/2014 20:00

Feminism is defined as equal rights based in equality of the sexes.

So someone who is 'not a feminist' believes that women are fundamentally not equal to men, and should not have equal rights.

If a woman is not a feminist she should consider handing back all the rights feminism gained for her - the right to vote, to equal democratic representation, to education, to work, equal pay etc...

Creamycoolerwithcream · 12/01/2014 20:02

You have a bit NearTheWindmill. I've been a SAHM for a couple of years, not harming any one or relying on tax payers, just plodding along in my family unit, looking after my disabled son and the rest of my family . I thought some of your comments were not very nice. We are lucky to have choices but I don't think your decision to work is right or better than my decision not to.

JugglingBackwardsAndForwards · 12/01/2014 20:09

Yeh, a bit sad how many women are not happy to consider themselves feminists isn't it Twinkle?
It's a no-brainer surely .....

Do you think women and men are equal and should have equal rights? Of course! ..... I've been a feminist since I was about 8 and first heard the word Smile

Logg1e · 12/01/2014 20:10

Twinklestein, Feminism is defined as equal rights based in equality of the sexes

Well, perhaps Near defines it differently. I like a definition of "Equal political, social and economic rights for women". For me it's about equality of opportunity for both sexes as opposed to women are the same as men and just as good as them.

JugglingBackwardsAndForwards · 12/01/2014 20:13

Sure we don't have to be the same as but we can be both just as good as and have equality of opportunity

JugglingBackwardsAndForwards · 12/01/2014 20:13

or better Wink

NearTheWindmill · 12/01/2014 20:25

loggle has summed up what I mean. Of course there is equality. I also mamke my comments not from the position of someone who has been a SAHM for a year or two but as someone who did it for 8 years and whose DC are on the verge of leaving home ( one has) and wondering how I would cope with stretches of empty days, half the work (or less than) and grief that my main work is done. That would worry me and I am watching women around me begin to crumble because of it. I just don't want to see some of you in that position in 10/12 years time.

NearTheWindmill · 12/01/2014 20:34

This does occupy my mind and I think when my DC were 1 and 4 I never dreamt I wpuld go back to work but life, events, one's experiences change and we change with them and I think it's important to move on so one can embrace change, whatever it brings. That might mean being computer literate, keeping abreast of professional developments or pursuing new paths. Never losing sight that one's kin and home and hearth are tantamount. But sometimes for some men and women and families it's easier to keep it all afloat if one keeps a bit of self invested in the worlds beyond the children. My DH often says he got a bit of the old me; the one he married, when I went back to work.

ServicePlease · 12/01/2014 20:43

Spot on windmill with your last sentence windmill

LauraBridges · 12/01/2014 20:46

I would be very disappointed if all the women on the thread were not feminists. Feminism just means men and women have equality under the law and fairness at home. It's not a dirty word. It's what most men and women are in the UK.

In a couple (I'm single at present) the most important thing is you share a similar view about money - either both spend every penny or both wanting to save a lot. It's when attitudes differ there can be problems.

My daughter was talking about this recently (she's married) and said one factor was she wanted someone to earn about the same as her not because she wants his money but so that there is more balance and fairness and she earns quite a bit and I feel the same when I date. It's not that I want a man's money and I've always worked full time anyway but if there is a massive difference it slightly puts me off a man.

NearTheWindmill · 12/01/2014 21:01

It's very different to maintain "equal" earnings thiugh when there are children. I know two senior magic circle partners and one judge, amongst many others, and each of their husbands does a bit of consulting, largely from home now because there comes a point where the DC need more of one parent than two high flying careers allow.

I know I sound contradictory because I do work and do a professional job but I do it locally and when the chips are down I can be at school or home in a flash and that will always take priority.

Twinklestein · 12/01/2014 21:04

LauraBridges I would go so far as to say that if any woman on this thread said she was not a feminist she is not being honest.

I've only once met a genuine non feminist in my life, she was a subdued Saudi Arabian woman who seemed genuinely to believe that women were inferior to men, and that the lack of rights in Saudi were correct.

Geckos48 · 12/01/2014 21:20

I would say that anyone who considers women worth-less for the choices they have made is not a feminist.

I would say a person who decrees that home-based family duties are not as important as breadwinning, out of the house duties is not a feminist how ever much they like to think they are

lepetitchoufleur · 12/01/2014 23:10

I haven't read all the comments (most of the comments) but I think you've already hit the nail on the head actually. It's not important who earns more, but it is important that you have the same attitude to what you do with what you do have, if you follow me. For me ( and it sounds like you too) a sensible attitude to money is key. But that's me. Every couple is different, it's agreeing on what to do with the money that counts. Not who earns it / who has more. I notice problems start when one person has an irresponsible attitude to earning and/or spending money. I could go on, but you get my point I'm sure :)

goldfacegreen · 12/01/2014 23:52

Why should it matter who earns what, as long as the bills are paid and equality is resolute throughout the rest of the relationship.

What a stupid bleddy question for the 21st century.

noddyholder · 13/01/2014 07:46

There is a big difference in wanting your partner to be in a similar ballpark to you earnings wise because you want equality and a certain lifestyle together and wanting him/her to earn at a certain level so that you don't have to.

Bonsoir · 13/01/2014 08:38

Equality is about having an equal voice in the relationship as a whole, not about who is paying what percentage of the gas bill.

Offred · 13/01/2014 09:02

Yes, bonsoir. The issue with the inequality in earnings I had with xh was that there wasn't equality in voice. I had to ask him to allow me to be equal and in many ways he didn't want to make concessions to allow that. He's not a nasty man just didn't want to do things he saw as difficult for himself like asking for more flexible working because he wasn't recognising how much of a problem it was for me.

LauraBridges · 13/01/2014 09:07

I think it's a bit unfair to suggest that encouraging women to work rather than stay at home is unfeminist.

Sancitfying dirty and often boring jobs which men don't want to do to encourage women to do them ( with comments like - my wife is a saint, I could never do what she does, she does the hardest most important job in the world etc etc) is a bit of a male plot to keep women from getting promotion and doing well at work.

I certainly agree with this
"There is a big difference in wanting your partner to be in a similar ballpark to you earnings wise because you want equality and a certain lifestyle together and wanting him/her to earn at a certain level so that you don't have to."
A lot of women these days earn more than their husbands and it really isn't a problem for most men or women who love each other as long as one is not spending it and the other likes to save every penny. It is when you have different values about money and long term aims and ambitions that there are problems.

However it remains the case that plenty of women deliberately marry a man who earns more because they want not to work when children come and therefore they pick out the man with the good job when going on early dates rather than the unemployed man or man who earns very little. I wonder how many of those on the thread who do not work out of the house or only part time would have married their husband had he earned £13k a year minimum wage or not had a job.

Swipe left for the next trending thread