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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

766 replies

brusslesprout · 07/01/2014 23:52

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 09/01/2014 13:20

I found this when my DS left school 9 years ago. He's done 4 different jobs and 2 college courses. When he was doing the not so highly regarded jobs there were lots of comments especially from DH's side of the family. Then we kind of found his feet and got a different job after doing an IT course at college the comments have stopped, in fact they don't even ask how he's doing any more. All my DH and I did was offer our support and chat to him if wanted us to. I wasn't worried about him chopping and changing as I thought to myself he's a lovely boy with really good people skills and still quite young.

Custardo · 09/01/2014 13:25

it is not the money, but the lack of ambition in relation to capability which pisses me off

DH is very capable and should be more senior. he works in the public sector - shit pay, never any pay rises - not even in line with inflation.

no options for promotion

always thinking his department will suffer cuts.

I constantly pass him jobs that he is more than capable of doing, and he never fills in an application.

that I earn more than him doesn't matter practically because its all one pot of money

It would be easier if he could get a better paid job

HOWEVER, he is very happy, very well respected in his field - and what price happiness? I have been very unhappy at work and would happily take less pay to be happy appreciated and fulfilled

motherinferior · 09/01/2014 13:32

And it's my turn to agree with Levenheath. Totally agree: our choices are far more circumscribed than we think.

Logg1e · 09/01/2014 13:38

I still do not understand what bonsoir does all day, being a stay-at-home-mum to teenaged, stepchildren in full time education.

I think it's sad, bonsoir that you wouldn't encourage your stepson if he wanted to read medicine, on the basis that he wouldn't be a high earner and therefore able to keep your daughter-in-law in the manner to which you yourself are accustomed.

Lioninthesun · 09/01/2014 13:40

I caught up with a few posts but not all.
Why aren't people telling their sons they can be stay at home dads?
If you tell your daughter it is fine to be a SAHM then you should be saying similar to your sons. This might influence whether they look for a high flying career driven woman! Women who would love to return to their career and not put their baby into a nursery. It works both ways. You can't however expect your son to get the best/highly paid job in the world and then also be able to take a year off or more with his kids, just as much as high flying women struggle to do this currently. It maybe isn't fair, but it is the way it is and to not inform your sons of this choice is a little unfair.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 09/01/2014 13:42

Logg1e, she probably does Mumsnet, same as us.

AuldAlliance · 09/01/2014 13:44

Bonsoir, the Nouvel Obs article's figures are before tax but "toutes charges payées." The article itself specifies that self-employed doctors, taking all specialisations into account, earn average pre-tax income of almost 9000e/mth, after costs."

I fail to see how that makes them poverty-stricken.

The top-earning 25% of radiologists earn close to 30,000 euros/mth. Some people earn that or less in a year and are still not paupers, sensu stricto. Or even sensu lato or amplo, for that matter.

Leavenheath · 09/01/2014 13:51

Why aren't people telling their sons they can be stay at home dads?

They are.

We have.

We've also discussed other options, such as both parents working part-time, both working full-time but not long hours, freelancing and WFH options, not becoming parents at all and not choosing a partner for life.

When talking about SAH parenthood though, we've suggested they consider making financial provision for themselves if life doesn't turn out how they expected it to be, that's all.

motherinferior · 09/01/2014 13:54

My chevre aussi.

Lioninthesun · 09/01/2014 13:56

Leaven that's OK then - I saw Word's post about telling her DD and how it seemed unfair - which it would be!

wordfactory · 09/01/2014 13:56

Tax return done!

I'm sorely tempted to pin a shirt to it, with the words 'take it all' written in blood.

But I too am wondering what I'm meant to be doing about domesticity and my DC's education and all that stuff.

Both my DC left the house at 7.45. And I won't see either of them for ages. DS is going to some lecture at the LSE with his Dad after school and I have to collect DD at 7pm after a lacrosse match.

Why shouldn't I spend some of this time earning cash? Why on earth should that make me feel guilty?

Bonsoir · 09/01/2014 13:57

AA - I suspect you don't know many doctors (or families of doctors where several generations are in the profession) to have such little understanding of the position of doctors in France today.

Lazyjaney · 09/01/2014 13:57

"Why aren't people telling their sons they can be stay at home dads?"

Judging by this thread, because many women won't touch them....been quite an eye opener, this thread has!

Main reason though is the same one I wouldn't advise my daughter to aim for a life as a SAHM - puts you in a position of financial dependence and reduces freedom to choose options.

Bonsoir · 09/01/2014 14:01

If you are able to be available for your DC as and when you need to be, wordfactory (and you are, because you are able to buy expensive full-service education and domestic help as and when required and your DC are not at a critical age) there is no need to feel guilty, none at all. But please don't present your situation as typical of most women in the UK. You are disingenuous to do so.

Custardo · 09/01/2014 14:03

the SAHP v the WOHP argument gets on my nerves at it invariably misses the crucial point that the majority of people work because they have to

ergo

there is little or no choice.

if I did have a choice ( which I don't) I would choose to work as I do honestly think that being a SAHP whilst the children are at school - especially teenagers is a cop out

Custardo · 09/01/2014 14:04

Furthermore, I have not discussed the option of being a SAHP with my grown men children because I do expect them to work, I expect their partners to work also

Unless they marry into money, which is not likely as we don't move in those circles

wordfactory · 09/01/2014 14:09

Bonsoir I haver never| said my situation is typical.

My whole point is that each family is individual. I know that in France people are highly conformist and many families run to a theme, but in the UK it's not like that.

Each one skips to its own rhythm. Forges its own way.

That's why it's absurd to make statements like yours; that women should be SAHMs and feel guilty if they're not. That their families suffer if they don't stay at home.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 09/01/2014 14:10

If you expect everyone to work then what has marrying into money got to do with it?

wordfactory · 09/01/2014 14:13

custardo that's the way I figure it.

Most families have two working parents. Because they have to. Most of them have perfectly lovely DC.

Tis not rocket science.

Custardo · 09/01/2014 14:13

in the context of working for money because most people don't have a choice

a choice is supposed if there is oodles of money

hope that clarifies the situation

noddyholder · 09/01/2014 14:13

What is managing a household? Bonsoir you are giving what you do elevated status considering its what most of us do every day.

AuldAlliance · 09/01/2014 14:14

Bonsoir, I know half a dozen doctors/dentists/dermatologists, two of whom come from families with medical backgrounds stretching back several generations.
None of them are paupers and none would ever think of using such a term to describe their life.

I work in a field where, as you know, income has fallen drastically over the past decades while working conditions have got worse.
While my colleagues are all in agreement that we are grossly underpaid, none would consider themselves poverty-stricken. We earn enough to house, clothe and feed our children, own and run a car and even to go on holiday and eat out from time to time.
We are not rich, but nor are we paupers.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 09/01/2014 14:18

Custardo so is it a cop out not to work if children are teenagers and you have oodles of money or only if you don't have oodles of money?

Bonsoir · 09/01/2014 14:20

And do you know what it is like for a doctor who wishes to set up a practice today, AA? What their living and working conditions are like? Why large swathes of France are a désert médical with mairies subsidising the importation of practitioners from Eastern Europe and Africa? Or has that conveniently passed you by in your misguided belief that doctors are doing better than you?

Custardo · 09/01/2014 14:21

in the context of working for money because most people don't have a choice

a choice is supposed if there is oodles of money

hope that clarifies the situation