Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

[brusslesprout]

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

starballbunny

you had ambitions? so you no longer have them?

There's also a difference between choosing to be SAHP because you feel it is will benefit the family unit and actively seeking a man out to suit your lifestyle choices...if that makes sense?

I can see that if you don't have your own money it may have some meaning to you but that in itself is dangerous ground ime.

Soppy but true. Got together with dh because I fancied him then loved him. Money didnt matter, still doesnt.

I wonder what men think of this Have never heard a man say I hope I find someone who earns less and needs me forever to bankroll them

No, but you do get men who want a woman who can cook/clean/look pretty - some of this stay and home and rely on a man stuff is also inbuilt survival. Outdated but still a fair representation of what I'd say half of the men out there want. So I wouldn't be surprised if on the flip side half of women would like to be able to quit work and be funded to stay at home.

When I met DH we earnt exactly the same amount. When our first was born he earnt a small amount more than me. Over the past 10 years his salary has increased hugely and he is now classed as a very high earner and we live very well. It's important to me as it means that we can do all with the things we have come to enjoy as a family but we don't live beyond our means and could manage on far less. I have always worked, in a fairly senior role but part time and in a poorly paid sector. It has always been important to me to work for 2 reasons. Firstly because I enjoy it and working part time is a great work life balance but also because I want to know that if we ever split up I will be able to support myself and ramp up my work if necessary. I also don't feel right asking DH to fund my shopping coffee and lunch habits which he would without hesitation but doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I don't worry though about what would happen if he were too ill to work or if he died as we have insurances and he has great cover through work.

FWIW, one of my exes hated that I owned a house and earned more than him. Then his salary went up and he felt less weird about it.
Another ex was extremely happy not to have the pressure on him - seemed he had felt stress and pressure all of his life to be a high achiever, and he wanted to be himself (still high achiever mind and now is DD's dad who earns a lot more than the minimum wage CSA say he is on [anger], but hey, I digress).

Lion I think that the criticism is because you are looking down on your customers who have to remain in the lifestyle you look down on in order to pay rent to you. Not suggesting you don't pay tax.

And do none if you don't-cares really love lives that would be unaffected if your dh lost their job?

For me it would mean not being able to risk the (better paid overall) fast and famine of freelance work.

Ah, I didn't mean to sound condescending to my tenants (actually they seem to have far more interesting jobs than I did before I was a landlady!) I meant only that I do not like office work, or more specifically my old jobs, and would rather work for myself. Nothing against their jobs or careers or whatever. I happen to be an excellent landlady and am pretty sure they would confirm that, which is better job satisfaction for me, than working for a faceless company

Worrying about money saps creativity. It's easy to take creative risks when you're financially well cushioned. Plus it's generally easier to get the sort of life you want when you are in financial control. Money makes money.

I think income matters up to a point. But it's also important that you know when to stop working for filthy lucre if it's no longer enjoyable, that's v hard for most people. I would hate to be married to and parnt with a workaholic. That would be a bore.

parent

Equality in earning, like to hold my own financially, putting equal into the pot.. Hate to have to ask anyone for money or answer to them on spending.. Ambition on both sides is important.

Isn't aspiring to be 'kept' a bit 1950's?

I spend a fair amount of time supporting women in unequal relationships (informally, I'm not trained.) I'm shocked & saddened by the high proportion who are trapped by their financial dependence. This can be just as big an issue when a relationship isn't abusive but has gone down the pan - it's a rare salary that can support two households these days.

As an old-skool feminist, it bothers me that women are still merrily signing away their futures with little thought.

Admittedly, I took this a bit far in my own marriages - I earned more, and got shafted in both divorces. In the unlikely event I ever couple up again, I'll defend my independence more assertively. I should certainly be more bothered about his attitude to equality than his pay slip.

There is a saying my grandmother used 'Marry a man for money and you will earn every penny.'

I married DH because I loved him. He wasn't earning much but is now high income 5 years later and out earns me by a ratio of 8:1. I changed careers but I still work FT 2DC later. DH has done his fair share of parenting and housework (when made to by me!).

I got a good one and I know it. Keeping him is the tough part. Some of the things I have seen women do are hillarious but it is very sad when they go after a married man who has asked them to stop.

Lion I agree that many men want a housewife. I am the only working spouse in DH's peer group. It is very sad that this is the case. When socializing with the other wives all I hear about is inane drivel about their appearance, weight, clothes etc. This comes up in conversation because the wives know they are in a vunerable position. I am so happy I insisted on working. If DH left me with the DC I would be financially ok without any support from him.

This is an interesting thread to read, because yesterday I was part of a discussion that there were no major problems in being a woman in the workplace. Equal opportunities, but it was the men who had trouble reconciling family demands and jobs.

Yet, most of this thread is about being kept by working men, or men starting to earn less or the same and end up in much higher salaries.
Anyone in reverse who didn't divorce?

Oh and Jacqueline Kennedy/Onassis: "The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship"

Lweji, I have friends with tremendously high-powered jobs and lovely low-powered husbands :) It certainly does happen, and works. Despite being well into the 21st century and all, though, they still have to put up with dumb-ass remarks all the time.

Bugger, I got it wrong on number 2!

Now I'm a sahm, and dh has a well paid job, yes it matters a lot. (Not a popular view on here, but bottom line, I like being looked after.)

I get that being a stay at home parent is a valid choice and it is equally a form of work, but this isn't what is being described/aspired to: it is a desire to be 'kept' which in 2014 is rather depressing. As is the desire by some men to have a wife who is economically dependent on them.

I wonder if the genders were reversed, how long before the phrase 'cocklodger' was deployed.

I wonder if the genders were reversed, how long before the phrase 'cocklodger' was deployed.

I was wondering earlier what was the female equivalent to cocklodger.

Ok, cocklodgers don't do housework, and I'm sure such "kept" women slave around all day.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was "Money comes and goes, but a good work ethic is for life".

When I met DH, he had just finished uni, I was the one with a steady job. He looked for work every day and did all sorts of jobs until he got a position in his field. Now he out-earns me, which means I can work part time, something I greatly appreciate. He is also very good with money - I appreciate that too, I've seen the tension it can cause when a spouse is bad with money.

So, if things all went wrong, I could increase my hours and support me and DD. However equally important to me, is that if my husband lost his job, he'd do whatever work it took to bring money in, that means a lot to me.

lwejj

fanjosquatter?

With exH I ended up with a cocklodger, essentially. He seemed hard working and with a good work ethic at first, holding 2 or 3 jobs, although not earning that much.
He had the excuse of MH problems, but I think towards the end there was a lot of piss taking, with doing very little at home and getting better MH wise but still not remotely looking for jobs.
I was happy to provide for the family, though, just not taken advantage of. And couldn't think of being kept ever.

Anyway, bf after raised my eyebrows when he seemed prepared to walk out on his job, because he was annoyed, with no prospects all all of getting another. He didn't, but that lost him many points on the leading to commitment scale. No way I'd be taken in to support another man for a second time, particularly if he didn't think it was important to keep his job.
He still earned less than me, but not many people earn much more where I live. I'm fine with lower salaries, just as long as he is a hard worker, good with money and good partner (and father). But I don't think I'd marry (and support) a very low earner again. He'd really have to be a virtually perfect partner. Even so, I'm not sure I'll get over the possibility of divorce and end up having to pay maintenance.

fanjosquatter?

Just don't know about squatter.