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Original poster

Insight needed over here regarding dp and money

69 replies

Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:28

NC!

Just had row with dp over money - initially it started over me moaning the kitchen needed doing up but then unfolded to this ..

We normally get on great - rarely argue and I'm probably the more dominate one in the relationship .

I have been with dp four four years - we have just had a beautiful ds. I'm currently on maternity and will only be going back one day a week due to staggering child care costs.

I have an older ds not to dp.

We don't receive any tax credits apart from child benefit so it's just dp money we will be really living off .

We have talked about marriage, location,what we would wear ect..but I get the impression of dp it's a while of yet.

Dp and his siblings own three houses that they rent out. We live in one of them. He mentioned the other day that ds2 will get a share of his and siblings houses if he died, I jokingly enquired " what about me?!" And he replied " oh don't worry my family would all ways let you stay" ...

I was a bit took back but at a family do so couldn't really discuss further.

It dawned on me that, I could live in this house for thirty, fourth years, help him pay the mortgage off and not be entitled to fuck all if any thing happens.

So, I've been talking to him about saving up and buying a place together so my ds would have sone kind of inheritance and I round have the security of being on the mortgage.

I have a bit of debt, not massive - few thousand but bad credit.

So argument unfolded when I said, I didn't want to stay in this house forever and help pay his mortgage off and get nothing in return. He took that to me meaning that I wanted a share in the house . And started bleeting about how hard he has worked to get it.. I actually don't want a share in this house as I fucking hate it, it's too small, it's not my forever house. He also said it was hard to get a mortgage as I had bad credit.

But I would like to save so we can buy together.

He came back with, " how can you save, your not earning any money? "

I've just hit the roof and told him " I had no money " as I was at home looking after our daughter and I will invoice him for the child care.

I'm in a shit situation now. He is right , I don't have any money , but I actually thought it was our money

If I need anything,he will give it to me but it shouldn't be like that.

I'm going to have it out with him tomorrow any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:34

No one cares Sad

OP posts:
Cheerymum · 07/01/2014 22:37

Prob not just seen yet by anyone with sage words of wisdom. Sympathies.

Lweji · 07/01/2014 22:38

It's been 6 min between posts. Calm down, dear. Wink

Lweji · 07/01/2014 22:39

Also, it takes longer than that just to read the first post. Be patient, you'll get there.

Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:40

Thanks for the acknowledgement. It is a bit meh though.

I've come down from an absolute boil to a simmer Angry

OP posts:
peopletalk · 07/01/2014 22:41

your partner needs to change his attitude or i can see this ending in seperation. you are looking after his child so you are contributing financially as you have said in saved childcare costs which he would have to contribute too. rent his house out and buy one of your own together or you will never be on equal footing.

NachoAddict · 07/01/2014 22:41

Didn't want to read and run but I have no great advice sorry. Could you go back to work more than one day and split the cost of childcare with your dp, or him reduce his hours to look after dd as he expects you to.

Hassled · 07/01/2014 22:41

Bill him for the childcare. Throw in a charge for the cleaning, the cooking, the household admin, the laundry services. Seriously. It should be your money - you're right.

You are in a very vulnerable position - but you're far from alone. The good news is that you've realised this and can start to tackle it. And you can tackle it by making it clear how much you actually do "earn".

Cheerymum · 07/01/2014 22:42

And no, it shouldn't be like that. He may not have thought about it from your point of view AT ALL (unless he is actual nasty) so maybe when you are both calm, you need to discuss it again and try to get him to image if the situation were reversed, and how vulnerable a position he is putting you in.

peopletalk · 07/01/2014 22:42

also surely you will qualify for tax credits etc cant you save this money towards a deposit for your own place?

Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:46

hasseled I was planning on doing that but he will just see it as a joke . His mother dedicated her life to her kids obsessive so he comes from a back ground if that it's only natural for women to give every thing up.

He can just about wash his plate after me pilling them up at the side of his head in bed!

people I assumed that's what we were gong to do but apparently he his happy here! why wouldn't he be?

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/01/2014 22:46

I'd be mightily pissed off too.
Hopefully he hasn't really considered these issues and will change his point of view, but be prepared for him not to change.

Normally, you should really have been clear about all of this before you had children with him and moved in, as you are now finding it is not as you thought.
But, that is already done, so how to salvage it?

Charging for the child care you do sounds good to me. Or you getting back to work FT and presenting him with the resulting child care bill.

Regarding the mortgage, and the house, I think you'll need to put your foot down and set a deadline to move to a place you like and share the mortgage, insist on marrying, or draw up legal papers where your contribution towards the mortgage is recognised and in case you split, or he dies, you get a fair part of the house.
He can also draw up a will to protect you, particularly regarding the use of the house.

ouryve · 07/01/2014 22:47

Basically, he doesn't view you as an equal partner. If he resents you giving up work and sees his money as his, still, then he needs to stump up half the child are costs for his baby, if that will help you go back.

If he is not willing to do that, then you do not want to be buying a house with him. You have other things to sort out in terms of your relationship before you can even contemplate such a big financial commitment, together.

Lweji · 07/01/2014 22:48

Oh, and presumably his mother was married?

If you are not married, there is very little protection for you. Don't fall for that.

Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:48

cheery no he hasn't got a nasty bone in his body! I don't think he looked at it that way at all, but I'm wondering if that's why he is delaying proposing to me, as he automatically assumed I wanted a share in this house .

OP posts:
inmyheadimthequeen · 07/01/2014 22:49

I haven't really got any advice on how to handle it sorry - but I'm absolutely taken aback that your DP doesn't see providing for you and his DS (and your other DS who presumably knows him as at least a step-dad) in the event of his death, as a top priority. You are right to be concerned - afaik you wouldn't be protected in the event that 'anything happens' (your DS together may be able to claim some of his estate but you wouldn't, I don't think). Needs a serious and urgent conversation I'd say. otoh some people just can't deal with the possibility that they might die and bury their heads in the sand \bout the practicalities - but it happens.

Fairylea · 07/01/2014 22:53

I'd be furious too.

So is he on the deeds now? Who owns the property? Perfectly reasonable to expect that you are both on the deeds as equals. Otherwise like you say, what kind of security do you and your ds have??

He has an awful attitude to money if he sees what should be family money as his money. You are both contributing to the household and all money should be equally shared.

His attitude stinks!

Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:54

lewji thanks that's the kind if advice I was after. Your right I have no protection at all. Shit.

It was his idea to give up work as child care was so high, but he did offer to pay child are if I wanted to go back but the child care equaled my wage so what was the point.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 07/01/2014 22:55

I think if I were you, I'd be trying to find better value childcare and going back to work full time so that I could save some money. I couldn't afford nursery, but my child minder was affordable. I used those childcare vouchers for extra tax savings.

I doubt you'll be able to discuss marriage again for a while as you both have a bit to think about, I'd be trying build a bit of security tbh.

All rent is throw away money, so it doesn't really matter if he profits, at least your DC will as well, which is better than giving to a faceless landlord.

I imagine the complexity is in having a shared investment with his DB's and where you come in. Are the DB's married? What would happen to their shares then?

mousmous · 07/01/2014 22:55
Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 22:57

inmy ds1 is 19 so hardly here or sees him as step dad. But can see your point.

I was taken aback too!

All the houses are in his name but the two siblings are invested in them too.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 07/01/2014 22:58

So it's okay for the siblings to pay in and get a share without being a named owner, but not you? Confused

Lweji · 07/01/2014 22:58

The point is that it will be your money. Let him pay for child care.

At the very least get a decent PT after going back. Or he can stay at home too.

For now keep talking and see if you can find a common ground and one where you are protected and don't end up feeling that you can't leave for lack of money, or that you effectively invested in your family and home and end up with no financial security at all.

Preciousbane · 07/01/2014 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lameduck · 07/01/2014 23:02

mous we have talked about great length about getting married and at our favourite place but I'm starting to think that he hasn't asked as I will be entitled to the lot if we split. - which I'm genuinely not arsed about.

His siblings are not married either.

OP posts: