Insight needed over here regarding dp and money

[Lameduck]

NC!

Just had row with dp over money - initially it started over me moaning the kitchen needed doing up but then unfolded to this ..

We normally get on great - rarely argue and I'm probably the more dominate one in the relationship .

I have been with dp four four years - we have just had a beautiful ds. I'm currently on maternity and will only be going back one day a week due to staggering child care costs.

I have an older ds not to dp.

We don't receive any tax credits apart from child benefit so it's just dp money we will be really living off .

We have talked about marriage, location,what we would wear ect..but I get the impression of dp it's a while of yet.

Dp and his siblings own three houses that they rent out. We live in one of them. He mentioned the other day that ds2 will get a share of his and siblings houses if he died, I jokingly enquired " what about me?!" And he replied " oh don't worry my family would all ways let you stay" ...

I was a bit took back but at a family do so couldn't really discuss further.

It dawned on me that, I could live in this house for thirty, fourth years, help him pay the mortgage off and not be entitled to fuck all if any thing happens.

So, I've been talking to him about saving up and buying a place together so my ds would have sone kind of inheritance and I round have the security of being on the mortgage.

I have a bit of debt, not massive - few thousand but bad credit.

So argument unfolded when I said, I didn't want to stay in this house forever and help pay his mortgage off and get nothing in return. He took that to me meaning that I wanted a share in the house . And started bleeting about how hard he has worked to get it.. I actually don't want a share in this house as I fucking hate it, it's too small, it's not my forever house. He also said it was hard to get a mortgage as I had bad credit.

But I would like to save so we can buy together.

He came back with, " how can you save, your not earning any money? "

I've just hit the roof and told him " I had no money " as I was at home looking after our daughter and I will invoice him for the child care.

I'm in a shit situation now. He is right , I don't have any money , but I actually thought it was our money

If I need anything,he will give it to me but it shouldn't be like that.

I'm going to have it out with him tomorrow any advice.

Wow ola goading much?

Op make sure you get something sorted so your not left with nothing if things go tits up.

Ignore Ola, he seems to be on MN principally to play out his issues with women.

OP I hope you manage to resolve things satisfactorily with your partner.

I just don't understand why you had children with him when you weren't married - you can't be that young (sorry) as your son is an adult. Didn't it occur to you before having the baby that you were going to end up even worse off?

You say your priority is a mortgage but surely your debt should be your priority?

Obviously if you're not working you can't pay off your debt. Why not agree to staying at home with the baby until he/she's in school for the price of the debt? It's win-win in many ways. You've no other way of paying it, have you?

Then, once your child is in school, get a job and get yourself on the property ladder. Buy a house and rent it out. It'll always be yours in case anything happens.

You need to go back to work.

"his money is our money as we are a family unit."

His money is not "our money" it is HIS money and you have zero claim on it.

Giving up work when you are unmarried is incredibly foolish and leaves you extremely vulnerable.

He has no legal or financial responsibility towards you at all.

And he's just told you that you have NO MONEY, so clearly he doesn't see it as your money just the same as the law doesn't.

He has a moral responsibility to her as she risked her life to bear his child, but this does not translate into any legal obligation.

He has a moral obligation to marry her, but apparently all he's planning to do is talk about it and make her wait.

The OP should see a solicitor for advice.

"...He has a moral obligation to marry her..."

Whooooaaaa.... don't know about that.....But your earlier post is pretty much what I said, and I was accused of 'goading'. Perhaps its my style rather than my content.

Twinklestein... again. Say for the sake of argument that I do have "issues with women". Does that make what I have said wrong? I don't think your ad-hominem attack invalidates my point.

"He has a moral obligation to marry her"

Is this 2014? Or did Jools Holland do some Hootenanny voodoo that sent us back 50 years?

I was not attacking you Ola, simply making an objective observation. If you can't cope with the comments your posts attract, then I suggest a forum is not for you.

Ahhh...that'll be a 'no' answer to my question then Twinkle...

Actually it's a 'yes' if it comes to the point, but I'm sure the OP would appreciate it if her thread was not derailed further.

Good morning all! Just thought I'd give an update at this seemed to be rumbling on last .

So we had a chat and it actually brought up some further issues that need addressing with regards to wills,dp siblings and their children's share. Also changes in life insurance will be made- to the benifet of ds2 as dp .

Dp will pay my debt as it not a lot as I won't be earning a lot as I / we / he chose for me too stay at home . - with the idea of me gradually picking up extra hours as ds gets older . If push came to shove and I left , which hopefully is never on the cards. It would be too hard for me to take on more work as I can also work privately .

We are setting up a joint account this weekend. ( which I actually feel really weird about) the bills account actually in my name and dp dumps an amount in and I portion it out,but it's not actually money I can use for myself.

Dp has no obligation to marry me but he does have a obligation to make sure I am as financially as comfortable as him. We are in a partnership, we both made the decision for me to be primarily a SAHM , so it's only fair I don't financially suffer because of it - thankfully he dosnt take ola veiw on it. Again dp has no legal obligation to do this but the only other alternative would be for me to leave, as myself and ds would be better off financially , if I lived on my own and worked .

With regards to saving, realistically we can't till this time next year. But it's a time frame and starting point .

The house myself and dp would buy would be placed solely in my name - at dp suggestion.

Thanks for your suggestions , help .

ola I don't think it was your style that people don't agree with , I think it's just the nasty tone you wrap your blantently obvious advice in.

"He has a moral obligation to marry her"

Is this 2014? Or did Jools Holland do some Hootenanny voodoo that sent us back 50 years?

Apparently not.

Because 50 years ago no man would have been intentionally having children with a woman and refusing to marry her so that he could protect his property from her.

50 years ago that would have been totally socially unacceptable.

But here's a man that thinks that he is the "hunter gatherer" and his woman's job is to tend the home, who thinks that women should give up everything when children come along, who thinks that his woman should give up work and make herself completely financially dependent on him to look after his children.

But despite holding all these views from 50 years ago, he is extremely modern in his views on not bothering his hole to marry her so that she is legally protected.

I find it interesting on these threads that the old-fashioned views that suited men are still considered acceptable, while the ones that protected women are now supposedly completely laughable.

2014 is still a year when women earn less than men, own less property than men, do far more domestic work and childcare than men, are highly likely to be sexually assaulted by men, and 2 per week are killed by men they have had sexual relationships with.

It's not exactly a time of wonderful female emancipation.

Nice post Join. Wholeheartedly agree.

Ok. You have two choices.

1. Get married. Its the ONLY way to ensure you are legally bound to each other (and yes, this means that you both have financial protection etc)

2. get yourself named on property deeds, make wills etc..get a lawyer to help and advise. Again, verbal promises from your dp are just that. better get that in writing and have dp signed and witnessed.

3. go to work and earn your own money if your dp refuses 1) and 2) above.

That's the bottom line. And if you can't resolve 1 and 2 above, you need to adjust your expectations of your partnership.