Abusive alcoholic mother in hospital - I am her servant. Please help.

[AdmiralData]

First of all I am sorry for posting about her again, a previous thread had helpful suggestions that I appreciate.
The situation has changed. I am 25 and Ive got a 10 month old son and a DH. My abusive alcoholic mother is in hospital on the mental health ward. She is even now demanding that I go down and deliver her 'groceries' and wants me to magically make clean clothes appear. The last 18 months she has broken up her marriage and my DF has cancelled the mortgage so she is now effectively homeless. She has spent thousands of pounds on alcoholic and speed and has not bothered to buy clothes.
I have to organise her employment and support allowance as well.
My siblings have disowned her. I don't drive and she has just played fuck on the phone because the new clothes I bought have been worn and she doesn't have more coming to her when all the other patients have DAILY visitors and clothes etc.
My DH works all week except wed and thurs, I am only visiting tomorrow because I don't want to spend my family time running around after her. I have no support in caring for her and I don't want to anymore but worry what will happen if I cut off all contact while she is in hospital, even though she treats me like scum. I am not wording this well at all but I am at my wits end. I have a severe anxiety disorder caused by what was apparently a traumatic childhood and my hair has fallen out as a result.
This weekend I have to help my dad move all the stuff from the marital home into his new house too, if my mother finds out the house is gone this week she will go batshit. If she turns up on my doorstep I have to turn her away, I can't have her toxicity around my son and husband.
I sound very 'poor me' but I am literally at my wits end. If anybody has any sage advice (again) I'd appreciate it.

Admiral, just wanted to say I read your post about how your mother treated you as a child and it made me cry. She is not fit to be your mother. You owe her nothing. You owe yourself the chance to have a calm, happy life - you clearly deserve it.

I don't have your experience and won't pretend to. But I did have a less than ideal relationship with my parents. The hardest thing was accepting that they would never be the parents I wanted them to be. That they wouldn't change. Facing up to that also meant giving up that tiny, tiny glimmer of hope that I could somehow, one day, have the loving parents I so desperately wanted. Letting go of that hope was really hard. But in the long run it freed me from staying in a relationship that didn't work. It stopped me replaying the same old story, over and over again.

You have made that break by walking away. Stay strong.

Thank you all again. I owe my son and husband ... I need to keep up the nc but I also feel a debt of gratitude to you lovely people. I know now, and feel that I may have known for a while, that I alone cannot help her. She is with the professionals now and they will take care of her. I intend to inform SS tomorrow and speak privately on the phone with the head honcho on my mothers ward about being unable to care in any way shape, or form for my mother.

As a side note, as bad as my life story may sound, it does not mean that anyone else on this thread who has had a rough time has suffered any less. I am so glad that other people have had the strength to walk away from volatile situations and I hope you continue to prosper and live happy and fulfilled lives. Peace

It's very sad. I regularly tell my children quite simply, never be an alcoholic as it takes you to the lowest level and brings only pain and degradation.
Good luck OP you can't help her it is all about her.

Admiral, I'm so pleased you have found the strength to do one of the hardest things ever. Walking away. You won't regret it. Yes you'll have days where you wonder if you've made the right decision and when you do have those thoughts look at your own family and know that you've done it for them too. You are not only protecting yourself but them too.

We have an alcoholic in the family and life at times was shit. Our family is now permanently messed up as a result. So again, you've done the right thing in putting your own health and family first.

This is a sad but heartwarming thread. I hope you get a chance soon to visit your lovely ILs, to thank them for their many kindnesses, and to tell them that their support has helped you to reach this point where you now have the realisation that you must walk away.

Admiral - for you. Well done. Now, go live your life :)

Well done Admiral, you are an inspiration to others who are in the same position :)

(If you find dealing with the years of abuse difficult & you need to talk about them in detail, then try the Stately Homes thread.)

My mother was an alcoholic too, though luckily for me nothing like as abusive as yours and as some others on the thread. For a while in my early 20s I was the only one who took any care of her, and that drained me totally and had a huge impact on my life. You have had it so much worse in all ways - congratulate yourself for what you have done; don't beat yourself up for what you can't.

Eventually I saw sense, and realised that she would always love alcohol more than she loved me, and that until she recognised she was an alcoholic there was little I could do for her. You need to do that too and give your energies to those who do love you - including yourself.

Another one cheering you along. I have a difficult decision to face with the alcoholic in my life and you are an inspiration, your strength and kindness shine through. Keep strong

I think that you are doing the right thing.

I call my MIL 'Mum', we have a fantastic relationship and she is supportive, kind and loving. Always tells me that I am her daughter etc. I may have been unlucky with my biological parents but fate gave me my MIL and stepdad. I have grandparents in law too and they love me to bits so it's not all bad!

Sounds like you have a lovely mum - just not the woman who gave birth to you.

Hello all. I thought I'd pop back to let you know that my DH was listening to my mum abusing me on the phone yesterday and marched over and began yelling down the phone at her. Absolute silence on the other end, don't think DH has ever shouted before, ever.
Every day that goes by with nc it seems to be easier. I remember more and more of her behaviour and it keeps me motivated. I am not guilty for her drink problem, I did not deserve any of the treatment I have received and my family should not have to suffer because I am a doormat anymore.
I have started a part time job and will save the money to organise a surprise cheap and cheerful holiday for my DH and DS as a thank you/I'm sorry for all the bollocks they've tolerated.

I can't thank any of you enough :)

Sounds good. It looks like you're aware of the value in going out of your way to thank those who've supported you through many difficulties.

I wish you all the best in maintaining your resolve to be NC.

Yay for MrAdmiral

MrAdmiral sounds like a keeper!

He does indeed sound lovely. As do you. Hope this is the beginning of your life (all your lives) improving. You definitely deserve a holiday!

admiral well done! I also have an alcoholic, abusive father. Grew up in squalor as my Mum couldn't really cope. I also financially supported them (sadly I have two brothers at home on illness benefit who still do). What has made me cope was that I moved over to the other side of the world. I talk to my mum once a month (I guess I blame her for keeping us in that environment when we were growing up -violence was an everyday feature, but only occasionally towards me - more my mum, my dad's 'friends' and my brothers as they got older). It feels like an enormous pressure to be lifted from my shoulders. If I ever talk to one of my siblings, I can feel dragged into it again. Frankly, my four siblings all bear the emotion scars of a fairly shitty childhood.

I always found having kids really intensified the effects of growing up in that environment. How could they possibly have been such shitty parents? How could they perpetrate acts of violence in front of us. My dad knocking my mum unconcious in front of me whenI was 7. I was hysterical. Dad continued to abuse her, I thought she was dead. My dad pretending to shoot me in the dead with a gun. I was frozen, petrified. I think that it is important to remember those singular acts to give you the strength to not communicate with them.

It's been 11 years now that I've been away from my family and while I clearly struggle with the memories of my childhood, I don't have the stress or the pressure. Seriously, you won't look back. I'm wayyyy older than you, and in my experience you can have a normal life, generally free of the stress that these relationships bring. Good luck!

I think I saw your other threads Admiral, and just want to say bloody well done. Take each day as it comes now, and try to stay strong just for each day. Look around you and love the sweet family you have created - hug them and give yourself a pat on the back. You have changed your history!

You didn't cause her problems, you can't control her or her problems, and you can't cure them.

Don't hold your breath waiting for her to see the error of her ways or to apologise or be rational or to have a nice relationship with her. Do your best with what you have try to consciously appreciate it, maybe with a gratitude journal and don't waste time waiting for something that may never materialise.

If you need specific support geared for children of alcoholics, you might like to go to Al Anon or National Association of Children of Alcoholics

imip - I am genuinely awfully sorry for all that you had endured. Nothing pisses me off quite as much as parents who fail their children in this way. I hope and pray that you don't let your childhood eat away at your happiness now. I wish you and yours the absolute best

Hello all :) I hope no one minds me posting again but I just wanted to get 'on paper' as it were the little things that have happened since I tried going NC. I did contact Social Services and told them I couldn't be my mothers carer as she is violent towards me. My 'mother' still phones me and blames me for her problems ... BUT... I am attending a 'Mindfulness' course for 3 weeks, I am learning to live here and now, not tomorrow or yesterday. My Dad has moved into a new house two doors up (I've been his carer for about 18 months following a suicide attempt) and things are looking up. My Dad has booked a weekend break for my Husband, my Son and myself for later this year to say thank you on the proviso that I leave my phone at home! I am fighting an anxiety disorder and my next challenge is to take my son to a mother and toddler group in the next town. I didn't want to leave this thread on a negative note. I genuinely appreciate all of your kindness, compassion and advice. Thanks :)

You've shown kindness in caring for your abusive mother, way beyond anything she could expect after her appalling treatment of you.

You've show strength in leaving her to it.

Now, can you change your phone number?

You have done the right thing. Kudos to you and your DH. Can you block your mother's number on your phone? If not, if I were you I'd hang up the minute you hear her voice. Don't even give her the chance to start.

Lovely Dad for arranging a holiday for you!

Stay strong and fill your life with the love of your true family (DH, DCs, Dad, & ILs).

I think I might have seen another thread. Our stories are scarily similar. (I name change). My hearts racing even now with stirred memories, the conflicting emotions....

My mother decided 3 days before christmas she never wanted to see me again. Followed by abuse. This is a familiar cycle although this time ive not crawled back to her.

Its my daughters birthday soon and I cant decide whether to invite her... or contact her.

its her birthday. Do I just send a card?

My home family is in the mess , "well you must have upset her". I spend days agonising over what I did wrong whereas really she's twisted some half truth.

Yet.. The day after my.wedingbday I spent in hospital with her as the sw didnt want police taking her there on her own. Numerous times I've gobe in with her when she's been sectioned so shes had a hand to hold.

I'm conflicted as I know shes ill and wracked with guilt. I kniw I wouldnt want to be alone...

and yet we too had grubbu house, no food, regular Busive words, strange men...

it wasnt a safe childhood and yet I'm the one blamed.

I hate that I'm 34 and unbelievably screwed up /anxious/no self esteem and still unsure how to handle her.

No answers but wanted to sit with you in some understanding and I've found the thread hard reading.

I've got depresion, I wouldnt want my children to give up on me....
...yet I've not swung back and forth hurling abuse and made their childhood a misery.

It's so hard to see my own small children and wonder what they were thinking....

admiral lovely to hear your news. Don't doubt that thigns are hard sometimes but it really sounds overall like therés lots of positives. :)

Glad to hear that, Admiral. I second what a pp said - can you change your number, or block your mother's?

Have you contacted Al Anon, Admiral? This is for the families of alcoholics. I think it might help you to realise how common your situation is, and how common your feelings of guilt and obligation towards your own abuser (whilst incomprehensible to those who haven't been there) are.