Abusive alcoholic mother in hospital - I am her servant. Please help.

[AdmiralData]

First of all I am sorry for posting about her again, a previous thread had helpful suggestions that I appreciate.
The situation has changed. I am 25 and Ive got a 10 month old son and a DH. My abusive alcoholic mother is in hospital on the mental health ward. She is even now demanding that I go down and deliver her 'groceries' and wants me to magically make clean clothes appear. The last 18 months she has broken up her marriage and my DF has cancelled the mortgage so she is now effectively homeless. She has spent thousands of pounds on alcoholic and speed and has not bothered to buy clothes.
I have to organise her employment and support allowance as well.
My siblings have disowned her. I don't drive and she has just played fuck on the phone because the new clothes I bought have been worn and she doesn't have more coming to her when all the other patients have DAILY visitors and clothes etc.
My DH works all week except wed and thurs, I am only visiting tomorrow because I don't want to spend my family time running around after her. I have no support in caring for her and I don't want to anymore but worry what will happen if I cut off all contact while she is in hospital, even though she treats me like scum. I am not wording this well at all but I am at my wits end. I have a severe anxiety disorder caused by what was apparently a traumatic childhood and my hair has fallen out as a result.
This weekend I have to help my dad move all the stuff from the marital home into his new house too, if my mother finds out the house is gone this week she will go batshit. If she turns up on my doorstep I have to turn her away, I can't have her toxicity around my son and husband.
I sound very 'poor me' but I am literally at my wits end. If anybody has any sage advice (again) I'd appreciate it.

Admiral

Now when she is in hospital being looked after professionally, now is when you can cut the ties without worrying about her welfare. If she doesn't get new clothes and groceries in hospital she wont be allowed to be dirty or go hungry. She is being looked after and you can step back.

It sounds like there is nothing you can do that will improve your relationship with your mum or her behaviour, so now it's time to ask yourself what changes will improve things for you. Would cutting contact help you ?

I hope you're getting some support and counselling. Nobody should deal with this amount of abuse alone.

X posts.
Well bloody done Admiral.

Admiral soooooo tough but well done

Some people can find the strength to cut the tie, for others it works best to just let the tie stretch as thin as it can possibly go - you'll know best what would work for you in the long term.

There's some great advice on here about getting SS involved and removing yourself as her next of Kin. Also I would change your phone numbers or any easy contact details she has for you (moving house may be going a bit far :D), so you cut down on the abusive phone calls that you may get once she realises she's burnt her bridges with you.

You must be a strong young woman to have survived her treatment of you for so long and still have intact the kindness that shines through your posts. Hold onto that strength for the family that you are building now. Your Mum is her own woman and she alone is responsible for her actions. You are only responsible for your responses. A mums net favourite - 'no' is a complete sentence' might be useful to keep in mind. Good luck OP. Stay strong and keep your little family in your mind as you move forward into a life of positivity, not the negativity your Mum engenders.

Another one here amazed at your courage. Your mother would have destroyed you by now if you were not a strong woman. Instead of being destroyed you have built a family - and they now need you. Please don't let this damage your health any further, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

So relieved by your last post.

AdmiralData I'm so sorry, that's awful. I posted on your last thread. I'll say again what I said then. Don't keep rescuing her, she doesn't deserve it & will never start looking after herself while she knows you will keep doing it. She has absolutely forfeited all right to expect anything from you.

You are a strong woman, she messed up your childhood, don't let her destroy your present and future. You have no obligation to put up with this sort of abuse. Focus on yourself and your family xx

You're amazing Admiral! Keep strong and keep away from your toxic mother. You can't help someone like her. Have a wonderful life

Admiral you're a lovely person and a strong one as well. I'm so sorry you had to go through that abuse as a child. You don't have to let it define your life now.....you can break free by placing your needs first before your mothers. I'm glad you are going NC, it sounds like you need that break. Best wishes.

Good for you, Admiral.

So sorry you're going through this Admiral
You are so brave and doing what's best for your own family.
You already know that Alcoholics are very selfish, unreasonable, abusive, unpredictable, soul destroying to others around them - I don't need to continue YOU have survived being brought up by one.

I know it's difficult but your Dh's reaction should speak volumes to you.
Your Mother doesn't deserve you lovely, she really doesn't.

I hope you enjoy a calm and peaceful life with your own family, you deserve it so much Xx

Bloody hell. Didn't expect this response. Thank you all very very much for your help and support. x

You sound like a very sensitive woman. It might be hard for you to maintain nc. We're here if you have a wobble, or need reassurance that you're making the right decisions. Good luck Admiral. Stay strong. x

Cut her out. She has no right to call herself a mother. Come over to the Stately Homes thread (survivors of dysfunctional families) if you want to chat about any of this.

xx

I am then going nc

Good.

...until she sees that there must be a bloody reason everyone has turned away from her.

Don't let that be a motivation: most likely she will continue to make excuses for herself and will not see the light. Whether she does, or doesn't, is within her control only.

You had an appalling childhood, I could weep for the child-you, and you can be so, so proud of yourself for the way you have pulled through and built your own stable life and family.

You're a superstar Admiral.

Echo what the others said - and now you've got your own wee family to focus on.

Best thing I ever did was walk away from my abusive alcoholic poor excuse of a mother. It takes courage and bravery so well done. :)

Bloody well done Admiral.
I don't think you should be helping your dad out either - where was he when you needed his protection from your mother?

Sending you strength. She sounds like she is and has sucked all the joy out of your life.

"Emotional health bill of rights #1
You have the right not to forgive.

You may have heard the saying "forgive and forget." If you've been a victim of child abuse of any kind - be it physical, sexual, or emotional - one of the best things you can do is forgive yourself. If you want to forgive your abusers, that's your choice. But because of the monstrosity of their crimes against you, you have the right to never forgive them. Resolve not to let anyone use emotional guilt as a weapon to manipulate you into spending time with or having a relationship with an abusive family member if it is not right for you. This is a part of setting healthy boundaries with others."

This is well worry remembering in establishing healthy boundaries. You owe your mother nothing. You also do not have to feel guilt about this. She is the one who behaves badly.
Don't go. You don't have to.

You have made a very sensible decision and please ,whatever happens stick to it ,even if you end up having to get courts involved if she harasses you . My nan was an alcoholic and she literally drained my mum for years, she died when she was 80 and it was to be frank a relief . The undertaker had never met such happy people booking a funeral ,but it really was like a weight had been lifted .

I hope you keep going with the "no contact". After reading what you have suffered because of your mother you have the strength to ignore her, you certainly deserve every minute of peace and happiness away from her influence.

Admiral I think I posted on your other thread. My mum was also in hospital with cirrhosis of the liver and weighing about 7.5 stone (all alcohol abuse related).

There should be a co-ordinator from SS to assess whether your Mum is physically fit to be discharged to go and live at home. The ward sister should know about this facility.

Don't feel guilty about putting this into motion. Your immediate family is your DH and DC. She has made her choices. As others have said it is tough to throw off the FOG, but you can do this..... {HUGS}

If a non-relative treated you in this way, you wouldn't hesitate. The fact that she's your mother doesn't give her the right to treat you like shit.

Well done for stepping back. Hopefully you'll be able to gain some perspective and relief.