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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive alcoholic mother in hospital - I am her servant. Please help.

111 replies

AdmiralData · 07/01/2014 21:15

First of all I am sorry for posting about her again, a previous thread had helpful suggestions that I appreciate.
The situation has changed. I am 25 and Ive got a 10 month old son and a DH. My abusive alcoholic mother is in hospital on the mental health ward. She is even now demanding that I go down and deliver her 'groceries' and wants me to magically make clean clothes appear. The last 18 months she has broken up her marriage and my DF has cancelled the mortgage so she is now effectively homeless. She has spent thousands of pounds on alcoholic and speed and has not bothered to buy clothes.
I have to organise her employment and support allowance as well.
My siblings have disowned her. I don't drive and she has just played fuck on the phone because the new clothes I bought have been worn and she doesn't have more coming to her when all the other patients have DAILY visitors and clothes etc.
My DH works all week except wed and thurs, I am only visiting tomorrow because I don't want to spend my family time running around after her. I have no support in caring for her and I don't want to anymore but worry what will happen if I cut off all contact while she is in hospital, even though she treats me like scum. I am not wording this well at all but I am at my wits end. I have a severe anxiety disorder caused by what was apparently a traumatic childhood and my hair has fallen out as a result.
This weekend I have to help my dad move all the stuff from the marital home into his new house too, if my mother finds out the house is gone this week she will go batshit. If she turns up on my doorstep I have to turn her away, I can't have her toxicity around my son and husband.
I sound very 'poor me' but I am literally at my wits end. If anybody has any sage advice (again) I'd appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdmiralData · 08/01/2014 18:48

Hello all, thanks again for all the support, none of you will ever understand how much it means to me to have such kindness and support from strangers when my own family failed to show it most of my life.
I visited the hospital today (Had to, my mothers benefits go into my account as she lost her card and doesn't want to apply for a new one as its 'too difficult') From the moment I stepped foot on the ward, after having spent two hours tracking down items that she wanted from shops in the rain, she began screaming at me. Just torrents of abuse about how I should be visiting everyday with new clothes, how I put her in hospital and now refuse to help. I ruined her life etc. I told her 'I am the only person you have left' quite calmly and she screamed at me to go and never return, so I did. I walked out without a backwards look.
I took two buses to get to that hospital - I'm now pissed at having spent another £5.80 on visiting her. I won't be going back, and if asked why by anyone I shall just say 'No' because it's a complete sentence.
Please don't blame my stepdad :) he took me and my mother in when she made us lose our home and has tried to protect me from her for many years, he is on anti depressants and is in CBT because of her. (I did say the story got worse :)

Thank you all very much. I'm going to try to be a good mum and not fuck my sons life up now. Thanks for you all x

OP posts:
whitsernam · 08/01/2014 19:45

OMG! That must have been so hard for you! I am so sorry she treated you that way - again. And I am in awe of you for how you handled it. You go girl. I cannot imagine anything more difficult than to have to leave your mother in those circumstances, but she does have all the help she needs, and SS will definitely take care of her.... that is what we all pay taxes for, isn't it?

And yes, "No" is a complete sentence. I think I love you Blush

Ilovewaleswhenitrains · 08/01/2014 19:55

Well done for being so brave and not engaging with her. It will get easier every day. Concentrate on your family, the people who love you.

Biedronka · 08/01/2014 20:22

Well done!
It was a brave move to walk out of the hospital but you done it.
Fuck whatever anyone else says to you about not going back there or going NC with your toxic mother, it's really nobody elses business but yours.

Good luck Admiral ((big hugs to you))

RubyGoat · 08/01/2014 20:30

I really admire you for trying again. No-one can ever say you've not tried everything to make this work. You can't keep sacrificing everything for her. Keep strong, & remember, she has made her life the way it is now. You need to concentrate on making your life as wonderful as you can, for yourself & your own new little family now.

jayho · 08/01/2014 20:31

I heart you Admiral

Meerka · 08/01/2014 20:35

It sounds like your mum is a person who has never considered that other people are human beings too. So sorry it's been like this for you when you've poured your heart and love out to her.

Well done for standing your ground and taking this step.

Liara · 08/01/2014 20:37

Good for you. Sounds like that is the final straw you needed to see that it will never get better, and that you need to cut her out for your own good and that of your family.

It must be incredibly hard, but do keep telling yourself that you are doing what is right for your family, which is something she never did.

sittingagain · 08/01/2014 20:59

No is indeed a complete sentence. Smile

You need to be strong and stick with this now. And stop her money going into your account ASAP. Can you ask your bank to stop them?

pointythings · 08/01/2014 21:22

I really hope that this has decided it for you, Admiral. Because you have taken enough shit from her and now is the perfect moment for you to rebalance your life and enjoy the good things you have - your DH, your family. You have tried everything and now she has to live with the consequences of her actions.

You on the other hand - well, the world is your oyster. Stay strong and enjoy it.

Original poster
AdmiralData · 08/01/2014 21:22

I can give the hospital via a third person party her money and yes cancel the direct debit into my account. I have a corridor full of witnesses who heard her say to NOT let me have any access to her confidential information etc so fuck it. This is a good way to start the new year. I am now having some wine and didn't need to take any meds when I came home so I am feeling slightly proud of myself :D

OP posts:
LoveAndDeath · 08/01/2014 21:25

Well done, Admiral!

You are doing the right thing. There's a reason why you were the only one left for her and that is the same reason that you too now need to go NC.

NorksAreMessy · 08/01/2014 21:26

\o/

That is me cheering and waving pompoms!
This is a proper new start

Now, how are you going to stop yourself getting sucked back in? How can we help you?

mamadoc · 08/01/2014 21:47

As a mental health Dr can I just say that I also think you are doing the right thing and that no-one at the hospital will judge you for walking away. I have advised family members in similar situations to do just that.

In the long run you might even be making things worse by propping her up. She will have even less motivation to make any changes in her life if she knows you will bale her out of messes.

She won't be abandoned as professionals will offer her support with finances, housing etc. if she chooses to turn that support down then she will have to live with the consequences. Professionals will be much better able to support her as they will enforce boundaries in a way that you, as her daughter, will find much harder to do. It will make their job harder if she knows she can come running to you.

As long as you make it very clear that you want no further involvement and you are consistent in that ie don't visit, don't ring, don't bring clothes etc then you shouldn't be under any pressure to be involved and if you are contacted you can just say that you decline any further contact.

So walk away and don't look back and get on with living your life.

HorsePetal · 08/01/2014 21:58

My god OP - you poor poor thing. I could not imagine ever putting my children through that.

She has been abusive towards you for over 10 years now, she won't change.

You have done all you can for her and more. Now it's time for you to put yourself and your own family first.

Support your dad and walk away from her.

Take care of yourself xxx

NorksAreMessy · 08/01/2014 22:00

mamadoc your post is a shining example if why MN is such a wonderful place. Proper advice from a proper professional.
I love Mumsnet

pointythings · 08/01/2014 22:02

Great stuff, mamadoc, just what OP needs. Smile

Newyearchanger · 08/01/2014 22:10

Agree with mamadoc

Please inform or meet with the ward sister ( without your mother) to tell them you are unable to be involved in her care on discharge in any way ...that this is impossible because of her behaviour.

Original poster
AdmiralData · 08/01/2014 22:14

Thank you Mamadoc.
Norksaremessy - You lovely, lovely people have helped enough. I need to take responsibility now for myself and be sure to see this nc through no matter what. I've had police turn up at my house countless times and I've always run off to help my mother but if that happens again I shall be telling them a simple 'No'. The doctor at the hospital who had to let me out of her secure wing apologised on behalf of my mother, I told him not to be, it isn't his fault is it?
I think my MIL has had a gutsful too tbh, she has been an angel since I met her and will be glad to see me putting my mother and her destructive ways behind me.

This website really does some amazing things.

OP posts:
Newyearchanger · 08/01/2014 22:23

When I had similar situation ( not as bad as yours) , my mum was put under section in the ward , I tried to do as much as I could for her but as we all know fixing alcoholism doesn't work .

The charge nurse psych told me I could not cope with her in my house and I could not allow her to be left at any time alone with my children . Even for a moment. That's when I really realised, I couldn't fix her and I needed to look after myself and the next generation.

OP please be strong x

pointythings · 08/01/2014 22:25

Sometimes your MIL is more of a mum than your own. Sad fact. It's like that for my cousin - my aunt is a total narcissist, whereas her DP's mum is lovely. Think of it this way - having a lovely MIL when your own mum is letting you down is just karma.

Original poster
AdmiralData · 08/01/2014 22:31

I call my MIL 'Mum', we have a fantastic relationship and she is supportive, kind and loving. Always tells me that I am her daughter etc. I may have been unlucky with my biological parents but fate gave me my MIL and stepdad. I have grandparents in law too and they love me to bits so it's not all bad!

OP posts:
TheBookofRuth · 08/01/2014 22:32

Hello sweetheart. Another fellow traveller with an alcoholic parent here. I didn't have it anywhere near as hard as you by the sound of it, and I've been lucky - my mum has been sober for nearly 20 years now.

I love her very much and we have a fantastic relationship now, but here's the thing: if she ever picks up a drink again, she will be out of my life permanently. No excuses, no second chances, we are done forever, and she knows this. I spent the first 15 years caring for an alcoholic. I will not do so for a single second longer.

For your own sake, your DC's sake and your marriage's sake, please cut her out of your life. You cannot help her. I don't think that can be said enough: YOU CANNOT HELP HER. Cut her out, get on with your life, and do not blame yourself for a moment. This is not your fault and it is not your problem to solve.

Maybe - and it's a very slim chance - you doing so will the kick up the backside she needs to get sober. If so, you can decide at a (much) later date if you can forgive her and see if there's a relationship left to salvage. But as long as she's still drinking she will do nothing but hurt and use you.

Don't let her do so anymore. You are too precious.

starfishmummy · 08/01/2014 22:33

Stay strong Admiral

Queenofknickers · 08/01/2014 22:38

So full of admiration and good wishes fir you ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks