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Original poster

Too soon??

83 replies

Messymessmess · 07/01/2014 20:50

H and I separated in November, and we are still in the same house. He is being very generous and is continuing to pay for everything and is looking to buy himself a house near by. It is also pretty amicable.

Our relationship has been over for a while and we have not had any intimacy for 4 years, so I suppose in my head I have moved on even though the separation is recent.

Anyway, I have been on Match and been liasing by text with a lovely guy. We met last week and had such a lovely time and I am going to dinner with him at some point soon.

But, is it too soon?? I feel awful moving on so quickly, and I don't want to upset H but at the same time, we are separated.

Thoughts? Please be gentle with me. I am not a cow. Just looking for something that has been missing for so long.

OP posts:
Theresomethingaboutdairy · 07/01/2014 20:52

Go for it! Life's too short. Like you say, you are single. Enjoy.

wannabestressfree · 07/01/2014 20:54

Tbh I would wait until he leaves. If things are amicable I would want them to stay that way and regardless of what's happened I would worry it would upset the balance you have.
I know you might want some intimacy but I would bide your time

AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 20:58

Is your stbx dating ?

It would feel weird to me, tbh,, but I think if you were honest and not sneaking around then there is really no problem

Are you ?

WhoNickedMyName · 07/01/2014 20:58

I would wait until he's moved out.

And if a poster came on here to say she's met a guy on Match who was saying he was single but still lived with his wife we'd all be going Hmm.

KellyHopter · 07/01/2014 21:07

I think you're setting up a pretty tense and upsetting situation here.

I can only imagine being in your husbands position, and I think most people would be really hurt.

When I split with ex I (we?) experienced very little in the way of angst or upset - it was the right thing, we'd grown apart in a similar way you describe. But once new partners came into the equation it was very different, that's when it hurt. And I'm talking well over a year after splitting!

It's too much to expect someone to deal with that while still under the same roof, less than 2 months after separating.

Can't you wait?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 07/01/2014 21:10

I agree it's best to wait until you are not living under the same roof as your STBXH. Why risk turning an amicable split into an acrimonious one?

sparklysilversequins · 07/01/2014 21:12

You may find things not so amicable if you start a new relationship. I would wait till he moves out. It's not very respectful either is it? (Obvs this depends on why you split). But it sounds like he's doing the right thing, you should too.

Original poster
Messymessmess · 07/01/2014 22:09

Thanks all. Not the pasting I thought I might get.

No stbx is not dating, as far as I know.

I think I know in my heart that it is not very respectful. The thing is it may be another 6 months before stbx moves out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 22:13

perhaps you could talk to stbx about it, and never bring this new bloke to the house (even when stbx is not there). Would that work ?

fiftyandfab · 07/01/2014 22:16

No no no. Wait until you are physically apart. It's the respectful thing to do. You'd feel deceitful trying to cover your tacks (unless you've had a conversation about each dating others?), which, I suspect, if you had, you'd have mentioned it in your OP. How would you feel if it was the other way around?

fiftyandfab · 07/01/2014 22:16

tacks? = tracks

AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 22:23

btw, if this new bloke is really a good bloke for you, he will wait

if there is a even a sniff of pressure from him, run for the hills

Original poster
Messymessmess · 07/01/2014 22:29

Have not had a conversation with ex, but dd asked him if we was going to get a new girlfriend. I may use that as a way of talking about dating others - just test the water.

I would not bring new bloke over - it is far far far too early. I would just like to be able to go out to dinner, go the cinema that kind of thing.

I think he would wait anyfucker (love that name btw) as he is lovely - we text each other about 50 times a day!! Just lovely stuff.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 22:39

Good luck x

Original poster
Messymessmess · 11/01/2014 14:53

Went out to dinner last night and had such a lovely night. Ended up kissing passionately Grin I really like him. He is such a gentleman and we get on so well.

He drove down to near why I live today and we met for a sneaky coffee.

Its lovely, but I feel sick with the lies. He doesn't know that ex and I still share the house (I don't think he will be bothered, as when he split with his last gf they had to share for a while as they were tied to the rental). I just dread telling ex, but am getting close to wanting to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymessmess · 11/01/2014 14:55

Where not why. See, I am all a muddle!! x

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymessmess · 13/01/2014 12:36

Well, I have gone and told stbx that I have met someone (just for a coffee). He was quite shocked that it was so soon :(

I just cannot bear the lies and thought it was best to be honest.

He said he was pleased I had been honest, but I feel awful. I know everyone said wait, but....

OP posts:
SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 16:15

I definitely think you should have told the guy you are dating that you are house sharing with your husband. I can't imagine how you can keep that hidden and the longer you leave it, the stranger it will look. I think you should have been more honest to both from day 1.

If you tell your husband it may spur him on to find somehwre to live sooner

FarmerSueTickle · 13/01/2014 16:55

I'm friends with a married couple who started dating other people after 3 years of marriage while still living in the same flat. No kids involved. They both accepted the marriage was over, but thought they'd 'do the grown up thing' and still live together as friends while seeing others. She was from a non-EU country and hadn't yet got British Citizenship, so they were both worried about her legal status in the UK if they divorced and decided it would make sense to carry on living in the same place.

She met someone first, something of a FWB setup and I remember talking to him about it and he said it was bloody painful when she was out with him and didn't come back at night. Apparently he'd just get very drunk and cry a lot. Anyway, he eventually also started seeing someone, then the wife would be on the phone to me v upset, on the wine and saying how painful it was with HIM not coming home. The upshot of this was that they both eventually realised that because they were so upset, maybe they still felt something for each other and so decided to work with things. That was 15 years ago and they are still together and happy these days, with 2 children.

Not suggesting for a moment that anything like that will happen here, OP, but it's odd how people can be sometimes ;-)

Original poster
Messymessmess · 14/01/2014 14:46

Had an email from stbx saying he was actually really pleased I was so honest with him. He says I should go out for more tea or something stronger and he has said it is fine that I am moving on. He has even asked for dating website tips!

I will talk to the guy I am dating when I see him on Saturday. I want to be honest with everyone. I just didn't expect things to happen so soon.

Stbx has also said he wants to move on. He is just frustrated as he wants to buy a house we have all viewed but the lady doesn't want to move until July. He doesn't want to rent which is totally fair enough, so is talking about moving to his parents during the week and coming back at weekends.

I am incredibly lucky that he has been so kind about all this.

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 14/01/2014 15:55

Messy - I think you're doing the right thing.

It must have been a bit of a shock for stbx to realise that you'd moved on, but after thinking it over it seems like he's realised that the relationship has been over for a while, and that it is best to stay amicable.

You all sound like you're dealing with it very maturely, which is great, especially is you have DCs.

If your new guy is lovely, he will understand completely, so it is best to be honest about the situation.

Best of luck OP. :)

Original poster
Messymessmess · 14/01/2014 17:26

Thanks JaneFonda.

Everyone seems to be very understanding. I am just waiting for something to balls up!!!

Yes, new guy is lovely and I am sure he will be ok. If not, then his loss ;0) x

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymessmess · 15/01/2014 07:36

It has ballsed up.

Had an email this morning from stbx saying he cannot babysit the girls while he knows I am out with someone else. He says he feels like a mug. Asked if I would babysit if he was with someone else.

I knew this was all going to go wrong.

I know it is hard, but at the same time feel a bit cross which I know is not justified really.

OP posts:
WarmFuzzyFuture · 15/01/2014 08:16

He should not use the children as a way to stop you from moving on. What did he think the end of a relationship would entail?Confused

Yes he has ruffled feathers, however you are separated and so if you want to see someone, that is your decision and TBH you don't need his permission.

I would tell new guy the situation, not bring him to the home until STBX has left then get on with it. I would be calm and reasonable, however I would say to STBX something along the lines of: 'I understand your feelings, but they are your children too and not my sole responsibility. What I do when I am not with them is my business'

Original poster
Messymessmess · 15/01/2014 09:29

Thanks WarmFuzzy.

I kind of expected him to be up and down with things as in is heart I think he hoped we could stay together.

He says he doesn't care what I do but don't expect him to babysit.

I was never going to bring the other guy home - well I say never - I mean not for a while anyway, but I had hoped I would be able to go out for the occasional meal.

I emailed stbx back and just said I was sorry he felt that way and I would look after the children if he wanted to go out with someone else. I also suggested I get a babysitter for Saturday night if he cannot do it.

He is back from being away on business and wants to talk tonight.

I actually feel sick :(

OP posts: