Too soon??

[Messymessmess]

H and I separated in November, and we are still in the same house. He is being very generous and is continuing to pay for everything and is looking to buy himself a house near by. It is also pretty amicable.

Our relationship has been over for a while and we have not had any intimacy for 4 years, so I suppose in my head I have moved on even though the separation is recent.

Anyway, I have been on Match and been liasing by text with a lovely guy. We met last week and had such a lovely time and I am going to dinner with him at some point soon.

But, is it too soon?? I feel awful moving on so quickly, and I don't want to upset H but at the same time, we are separated.

Thoughts? Please be gentle with me. I am not a cow. Just looking for something that has been missing for so long.

Jaffa: My point is, if she feels ready, then nobody can tell her otherwise.

She's been to dinner once with this man and enjoys his company, I for one hope she sees him again.

Jan- the flaw with your opinion is- read the title of the thread.

someone who is sure they are ready or doing the right thing does not ask a bunch of virtual strangers.

I'm glad your 2nd relationship has worked out BUT I think you could try to think a little more deeply over the need - as Dahlen also put it- to process the breakdown of a relationship before moving on so swiftly.

Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it's the right way.

It's a bit like a 90 year 60-a day smoker saying smoking's not bad for anyone because they are alive and kicking.

You need to be able to look at the bigger picture and what is best for most people, based on evidence, rather than just your own single experience.

The OP clearly thinks it's ok or she wouldn't be looking forward to a 2nd date, just cos she comes on here canvassing opinions doesn't mean she'll change her mind, I certainly wouldn't just by reading replies from strangers.

On the morality scale, I think going out with a man when you are already separated is okay, remember nobody knows what the soon to be ex is getting up to in his spare time but again, that's his business, just like this is hers.

I've asked plenty advice from strangers, I've still done what I've wanted to do, we usually do as humans.

The OP has already told us there has been no relationship for 4 years so she's had plenty time to process the grief and loss that comes with that. There is no sex going on here, it's male company, she's probably not had that for years.

Not basing it just on my experience, that was merely to back up that if you are ready, you are ready and also to let the OP know that I think what she's doing is actually ok.

No point in us arguing the toss, you don't agree, I do, end of.

I wonder if you have a problem understanding some things, some of the time, Jan?

you can't really process the end of a relationship when you are still living with your DH.

read Dahlen's excellent post about why that is.

and there is no logic whatsoever to your statement that she feels she is doing the right thing because she is now looking forward to a 2nd date. Have you never had mixed emotions- looked forward to something when you knew deep down it wasn't right for you?

you've conveniently forgotten the things she wrote about feeling sick, and not wishing for people to call her a cow- both of which say rather a lot to me.

Jaffa: Oh dear, so now you are going down the personal attack route and all because I don't agree with you....

It's not a personal attack at all- it was a question based on your posts because you seem to either ignore or not understand some very good points made by other posters.

It sounded like a personal attack to me. It comes across like you were saying... 'Are you a bit thick or something?'

"I wonder if you have a problem understanding some things, some of the time, Jan?"

I think that is an extremely condescending thing to say! Just because Jan45 responds in a way that doesn't chime with your way of seeing things doesn't make her a halfwit, which your question most definitely implies.

As to the OP, it might not be ideal to be dating someone while still sharing a home with her husband, but perhaps that simply means that they need to sort out alternative living arrangements.

I don't think that continuing to share space is going to do either of them any good and it needs to be addressed.

In the meantime, OP, good luck with the new man - I hope it works out!